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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 25

Author
Time
Woodpecker Knowledge...


A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees... The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they
had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the
tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck
a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker
expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the
Tree with no problem.


The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the
tree in their own country?
After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
"May the force be with you!"
Author
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American
churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line
to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American
thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this
was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby
nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you,"
said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston,
and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to
see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Montreal, and again,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it
read "10 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local
call".
Author
Time
The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
CHUCK NORRIS FACTS

•Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
•Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
•Sliced bread is the best thing since Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris recieves mail on Sundays.
•Chuck Norris can simply walk into Mordor.
•Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
•Chuck Norris shaves with a chainsaw.
•When Chuck Norris told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.
•Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
•Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
•Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
•Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
•A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
•Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
•To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
•The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
•Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
•Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
•Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
•If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
•Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

War does not make one great.

Author
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Originally posted by: Adamwankenobi
•Chuck Norris was the fifth beatle.
LOL

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
Originally posted by: Adamwankenobi
•Chuck Norris was the fifth beatle.


Wouldn't Chuck end up being the only Beatle?
Author
Time
A golden oldie...


A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then
come back and tell me what you learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."
"The father replied, "That's my boy."

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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A festive one...


Two snowmen in a garden one says to the other "can you smell carrots?"

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A lad has just copped off with some bird after a night out and takes her back to his new flat, as he showing here round he takes her to his bedroom and shows her his big brass gong...

'whats that' the girl asks
'its me new talking clock' says the man
'talking clock? how does that work?'

And with that the man grabs a sledgehammer and twats this big brass bong as hard as he could
'listen'

then a few seconds later he hears a cry from next door
'its quarter past 3 in the fuckin morning!'









Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
‘It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you bastard, you're shitting in the bed"

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Learn Chinese in 5 minutes! Think about your future
(read them aloud):

1) That's not right ................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Din
3) See me ASAP..................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ........................ Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .......... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah Kin
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Whan Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ............................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time
Originally posted by: oojason
A lad has just copped off with some bird after a night out and takes her back to his new flat, as he showing here round he takes her to his bedroom and shows her his big brass gong...

'whats that' the girl asks
'its me new talking clock' says the man
'talking clock? how does that work?'

And with that the man grabs a sledgehammer and twats this big brass bong as hard as he could
'listen'

then a few seconds later he hears a cry from next door
'its quarter past 3 in the fuckin morning!'









Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
‘It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you bastard, you're shitting in the bed"


ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author
Time
Originally posted by: RRS-1980
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes! Think about your future
(read them aloud):

1) That's not right ................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Din
3) See me ASAP..................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ........................ Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .......... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah Kin
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Whan Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ............................................... Fa Kin Su Pah



I have an hilarious list of japanese names, some not real but sounding real, that make up a whole story of a gang of japanese people who robbed a bank (the names of the people arrested IS the story of the bank robber), it's a well known joke here, unfortunally it's absolutely untranslatable. My favorite is Fujiro Nakombi, which can be phonetically read in portuguese as "they ran away in the van".
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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ok - so the Chuck Norris jokes were alright, but these are a LOT better...


23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

When the end of the world comes, it won't be referred to as "Judgment Day".
Rather, it shall be called "T-Day", when Mr. T ends the world by simultaneously pitying all six billion fools on this planet to death.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T rejoiced as President George W. Bush was elected to office, as the coming administration would assure that he would never run out of fools to pity.

When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.

The Manhattan Project really did not create the atom bomb, but instead put the pity Mr. T distributes, in a bottle and then dropped it on Japan.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

Osama Bin Laden isn't hiding from the US, he's hiding from Mr. T

Mr. T invented cryogenics for the sole purpose of turning fools into Pity Pops, which he then sells to buy more gold chains.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

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There are only 4 horsemen of the apolalypse because Mr.T and Chuck Norris are going to walk.

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
^ lol



Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls..... I'd say you must either be a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Did someone say the magical words "Chuck Norris"?
Here's another trick:

An anagram to the words:

WALKER TEXAS RANGER

..are the following words:

KARATE WRANGLER SEX


Another way to convince those people of little faith, who don't believe in the powers of Chuck Norris
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time
That is truly amazing. I am now convinced that Chuck Norris is, in fact, some kind of God.

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
Originally posted by: Yoda Is Your Father
That is truly amazing. I am now convinced that Chuck Norris is, in fact, some kind of God.


Why is everybody talking about hime lately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author
Time
Originally posted by: sean wookie
Originally posted by: Yoda Is Your Father
That is truly amazing. I am now convinced that Chuck Norris is, in fact, some kind of God.


Why is everybody talking about hime lately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Because he's Chuck Norris!
Author
Time
A man is walking down the street and on his way, he meets a friend who just happens to have only one arm.

"So, what are you up to?", says the man.

"I'm going to change a light bulb."

"Won't that be difficult, with just the one arm?"

"I shouldn't think so, I've still got the receipt."

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