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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 32

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A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
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A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.
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A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
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A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next.
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A man walks into a pub and goes up to the bar.
"Pint please" says the man.
"F*ck me" says the barman "you've got half your head the shape of an orange!"
"Yes thats right" says the man "i've got a story to tell about that..."
"I was walking home the other day from work and i spotted a lamp on the pavement. I rubbed it and out popped this wonderous genie , who granted me 3 wishes" said the man
"No sh!t" said the barman
"T'is true" said the man
"So what did you wish for?" said the barman
"Well" said the man "My first wish was for all my family and closest friends to live a long and healthy life"
"Fair Enough" said the barman
"My second wish was to have an endless supply of money , so i'd never be poor and could buy whatever i liked whenever i liked" said the man
"Understandable and a very good wish" said the barman "And what was you third wish?"

"To have half my head the shape of an orange" replied the man





Also found this funny:-


http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/73/barrelroll2qs9gs1.gif

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Originally posted by: sean wookie
"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The Wall behind him"


That was in bad taste.

"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape

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Originally posted by: C3PX
Originally posted by: sean wookie
"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The Wall behind him"


That was in bad taste.


Oh and the Marvin Gaye one wasn't?
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Originally posted by: sean wookie

Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He did the mash. The Monster Mash. It was a graveyard smash. They did the mash. The Monster Mash.

REPOST THIS IF YOU LOVE THE MASH.


...wow.
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
Originally posted by: C3PX
Originally posted by: sean wookie
"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The Wall behind him"


That was in bad taste.


Oh and the Marvin Gaye one wasn't?


Oh, I missed the Marvin Gaye one. I found the Cobain joke funny, I laughed at it even. But now I feel really guilty about. I haven't been able to sleep at night. I think I'll take a trip to his grave an apologise in person. Maybe leave some cigarettes on his stone. Then maybe I will be able to sleep again at night.

"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape

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i like my women like i like my coffee...


...tied up in a burlap sack by a sweaty colombian & slung over the back of a mule
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Originally posted by: C3PX
Originally posted by: sean wookie
Originally posted by: C3PX
Originally posted by: sean wookie
"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The Wall behind him"


That was in bad taste.


Oh and the Marvin Gaye one wasn't?


Oh, I missed the Marvin Gaye one. I found the Cobain joke funny, I laughed at it even. But now I feel really guilty about. I haven't been able to sleep at night. I think I'll take a trip to his grave an apologise in person. Maybe leave some cigarettes on his stone. Then maybe I will be able to sleep again at night.


I don't feel guilty over jokes. If you are sorry just say sorry and move on.
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My Two Dicks
words by Don Geronimo
Sung to the theme to BEWITCHED

They're my two Dicks, oh yes they're my two Dicks

First there was York, such a dick
Then I changed to Sergeant, hey what a trick

I love two Dicks, they're great to have around
I'm always smiling -- with two Dicks why frown?

I'm the witch with the most fun -- can't you see
Just one more Dick--and I'd have three

They're my two Dicks, oh yes they're my two Dicks
And come what may, I'm proud to tell you this
I'd pass on a love-filled night with the New York Knicks
'Cause I am the witch with two dicks!
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little father-son fireside chat...

He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Mike, thinking that might be a good thing to try.
On his wedding night, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on."
She does and says, "These are too big, they don't fit me."
Mike replies "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and don't you forget it. Alright?"

Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."
He slips them over his feet but struggles to pull them up much further. Mike says, "It's no good, love. I can't get into your pants."

"Exactly" says Karen. "And if you don't stop being a f*cking dickhead, you never will."

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IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.
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Twenty Responses To Use With Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
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^ "12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.




A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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Superb Mr T in Snickers bar tv advert:-

Quit Your Jibba-Jabba, Fool!

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
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Brand New Member

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ..."Look at this, still in the CRATE!"
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Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't use the search function?
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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Originally posted by: ADigitalMan
Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't use the search function?

Where was it hidden?

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Under customize you can enter:
"I would like to see the last [...] days of threads when I enter a category."
It was probably too old if you searched for it.
Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: Fezzy, man, it's Star Wars.
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A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won' tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really f*ck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”

“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.

“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”
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Tom & Mal went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, Tom said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mal shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

Tom says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"