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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 3

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Yes that link is definitely you. I could not agree more. I'm sure that anyone who uses it will agree. It goes hand in hand with your typing. Don't bother with a second check.
gtfo
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Watch Those Baked Beans

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the smell of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he as about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
"May the force be with you!"
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Originally posted by: RRS-1980
Yeah, my first thought was "this must be some kind of ad".
Using the extremely rough translation capabilities of Babelfish, the large words read "only with cheap glue fastens". It could be a glue advertisement, I suppose.

I have something funny. Do a Google search for "Trunk Monkey". Watch the videos.
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Originally posted by: Shimraa
THIS IS INDIA IN ITS PUREST FORM. THIS IS ME!!!


Link dosent work.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Yeah, I noticed it didn't work, too. Just never posted.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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It didn't work for me, either.
"May the force be with you!"
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Testimonials

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back . . . or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.


FIRST TESTIMONIAL:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word-he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONIAL:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONIAL:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONIAL:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now," she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONIAL:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONIAL:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story . . . We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too-they were laughing so hard!
"May the force be with you!"
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LOL!!!!! some of those were on snopes like the 4th and last
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Superman was flying over Metropolis when he see Wonder Woman naked on a roof,so he swoops down does her quick then leaves,and Wonder woman says *What was that*....and the Invisible Man replies *I don't know,but my ass hurts*
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LOL i've seen a variation of that on i love the 1980's strikes back
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LMFAO @ the testimonials...
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you.."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,
and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three months' vacation and five good leads".

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside this refrigerator...."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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A few joke about superheroes,i've posted on nov-net.

Silver Surfer:..DAMMIT i'm a lifesize Ken doll

Wolverine to his girlfriend:...Let me scratch your back *SNIKT* Oh crap

Batman & catwoman:...Batman HA change your name to StickBoy
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

One muffin says to the other, "Hot day today huh?"

To which the other muffin replies,

"HOLY FUCK a talking muffin!"

"Never. I'll never turn to the darkside. You've failed your highness. I am a jedi, like my father before me."
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Married Life



You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

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During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

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My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
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How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"May the force be with you!"
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two frogs are crossing the railroad tracks, when one frog says to the other:

watch out for the train
SQUISH
where?
SQUISH
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."
Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
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JUST FRED

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he is in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for the last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After awhile I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
"May the force be with you!"
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This stuff is actually true, but funny nonetheless.


Andy Rooney's TIPS FOR TELEMARKETERS


Andy Rooney's TIPS FOR TELEMARKETERS Three Little Words That Work !! The three little words are: "Hold on, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real"
sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.

THIS IS THE BEST ONE Another Good Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around
50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes)
ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work!

THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS.

LET'S SEE HOW FAST THIS ONE GETS FROM COAST TO COAST!
"May the force be with you!"