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War does not make one great.
Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 20
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War does not make one great.
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War does not make one great.
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(from the superb http://ter.air0day.com/?script=revengeofthesith website)
STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED
SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be
like a life support system being in
a box on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck Natalie
Portman. That's insanity. Did you
see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from
dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the best
acted scene between us is the one in
which we are in separate buildings
and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling how to save Natalie real
quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
EXT. UTAPAU
IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troop)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.
CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.
They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
of course.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.
KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot at less than
when the Jedi had to fight all of
the droids at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, they are
overpowering me, though!
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy.
Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the
separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is not one of them.
INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT
EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and
apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! I know you're not really
evil - you try to look evil by
glowering everywhere, but you really
just wind up looking confused all
the time! Come back to the Jedi
order!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
From my point of view, the Jedi are
stupid! I mean, really stupid! They
didn't know I was married to
Natalie, which Ian figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
Sith. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Christopher Lee because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Jedi survived this long.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. If you jump over
to me, I will cut your shit off.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Motherfucker!
EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.
IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.
JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
have delivered the twins, that would
be more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
doesn't.
YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Vader
killed his father.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
YODA
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
END
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the heck and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
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Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"
The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy".
"The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up. "
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The Bloke's Prayer:-
Our beer...
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as I am in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen
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I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says,
"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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Originally posted by: oojason
The Bloke's Prayer:-
Our beer...
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as I am in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen
The Bloke's Prayer:-
Our beer...
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as I am in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen
That would be great to say with some friends at a pub, and after it everyone takes their beer.
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she ! wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....... (You'll love this.)
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on
the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them world-wide at a fantastic profit.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100
years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where
they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again
and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
Western suburbs style....
You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows you die the first
time you try and milk them.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
Who cares, The EU really owns them now and the pub is still serving.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. You don't know what they are used for as they
aren't sheep. You shag them anyway.
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BRAZIL
You have two cows. You invested time and money creating a brand new technology to better milk them, but the government wants you to give them 60% of the milk as taxes. You give them 50% and manage to hide the other 10%. The government drinks the milk instead of giving it to hungry children. Some 15 year old kid on drugs shoots you and takes one of your cows. The cops take the other cow and illegaly sell it to a farmer in Paraguay.
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Imperial Mints. (laughter)
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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
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The Amazing Claude...
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. Hundreds of people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . ."
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre
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Originally posted by: oojason
ric - I'd laugh m8, but what what we get in the media about Brazil that seems about right
ric - I'd laugh m8, but what what we get in the media about Brazil that seems about right
Well, those were the negative aspects. Let me try a more positive approach: BRAZIL: You have two cows. You develop ways to better take their milk and sell the technology to north america and europe, where they claim to be the creators of it. You don't care, and keep selling high quality milk to other countries. Canada and Russia claim your good and cheap milk is hurting their economy and start calling you names. You move your cows to a small town to avoid taxes, and live happily until you die.
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Le Building (it's in French - but you don't need to understand the language for the video to be funny as all hell).
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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