Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 17

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 3-Mar-2005 9:51 AM
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Those jokes remind me of others...

A middle-aged woman is sitting by a public pool. A young, beautiful girl gets out of the pool after swimming a few laps.

The middle-aged woman watches as the young girl walks to a lounge chair next to her, pulls out a cigarette from nowhere, and asks the woman for a light.

After lighting her up, the woman asks the girl, "Where did your cigarette come from?"

"Oh, it's a new trick I learned. I put the cigarette in a condom, and hide it underneath my swimsuit. It stays nice and dry, so I don't have to carry it around in my purse when I go swimming."

The woman thinks this is a neat trick, and decides to give it a try. She leaves to go to the nearest drug store. She cannot find the condoms, so she goes to the counter for assistance. Finding a pharmacist, she asks for help finding a condom.

The pharmacist smiles and says, "Well, there's quite a variety of those nowadays. What, exactly, were you looking for in a condom?"

The woman thinks about it and says, "I need one big enough to fit a camel."

------

Two friends run into each other coming out of a movie theater. One of the friends has two black eyes.

The first friend asks the second, "Dude, what happened to your face? How'd you get those black eyes?"

The second guy explains. "I was sitting in the theater, waiting for the lights to go down, when this gorgeous woman comes over to sit in the seat in front of mine. She was standing there waiting for something, when I noticed her dress was getting wedged in her butt crack. She had such a nice ass, that I reached over and pulled the dress out, so I could get a feel. Well, what I didn't know was that she was one of those body-building women, and after she screamed, she turned around and slugged me in the face."

The first friend laughs and says, "Okay, that explains the first black eye. How did you get the second?

The second friend admits, "Heh, well...it was stupid of me, but I was kinda pissed, and couldn't help myself. I tried to explain to her what I was doing, and she said, "I don't need your help fixing my dress!" I figured that that's how she wanted it, so I pushed it back in....

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: oojason
Time: 3-Mar-2005 3:17 PM
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A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 9-Mar-2005 2:18 AM
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Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming in to work today."

"May the force be with you!"

Author: ricarleite
Time: 9-Mar-2005 9:42 AM
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I heard this one today, and I'll try to adapt it to international audiences:

Six crazy men are in a nut house, strapped and locked in a cell. Suddenly, a cat appears at the window.

"Hey, let's have sex with that cat!" - said one of them, the sex maniac.

"Let's have sex with that cat and torture it!" - said the sex maniac psychopath.

"Let's have sex with that cat, torture it and kill it!" - said the sex maniac psychopath murder.

"Let's have sex with that cat, torture it, kill it, and have sex again with the corpse!" - said the sex maniac psychopath murder necrophile.

"Let's have sex with that cat, torture it, kill it, have sex again with the corpse and then burn it!" - said the sex maniac psychopath murder necrophile pyromaniac.

Then they all look at the last man, the sex maniac psychopath murder necrophile pyromaniac masochist. He just stared for a while, smile, and said:
"Meow."

“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 9-Mar-2005 4:50 PM
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Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" –

She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" –

She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" –

She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" –

She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" –

She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" –

She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" –

She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" –

She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you –

She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" –

She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" –

She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" –

She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" –

He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" –

He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" –

He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" –

He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" –

He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" –

He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" –

He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" –

He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" –

He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" –

He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants –

It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

"May the force be with you!"

Author: oojason
Time: 10-Mar-2005 10:02 AM
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This
must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. NEVER mess with them.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: Bossk
Time: 10-Mar-2005 10:11 AM
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I like that one Jason. Good stuff.

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 11-Mar-2005 5:22 PM
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I'm almost embarrased to type this one up, and will apologize ahead of time if it offends.

Did you hear about the Transylvanian hooker?

Her name is Cunt Forenta.

Sorry.....

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: ricarleite
Time: 11-Mar-2005 9:04 PM
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What did the lesbian vampire said to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month."

Author: oojason
Time: 11-Mar-2005 10:32 PM
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Fella goes the pub and as he walks in he notices a piece of meat stuck to the ceiling so he says to the barman

'why is there a piece of meat stuck to the ceiling?'

'its a challenge' said the barman 'if you can jump up and grab the meat with your teeth you get free ale all night, if you miss you buy everyones ale, do you fancy it?' said the barman

'Nar' said the man

'why not?' says the barman

'the steaks are too high...'

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 15-Mar-2005 10:34 PM
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Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't
have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained
twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for
four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

"May the force be with you!"

Author: PSYCHO_DAYV
Time: 16-Mar-2005 5:38 PM
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TOO FUNNY !!!

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 17-Mar-2005 6:41 PM
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A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I
don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my
mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and
tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!!

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and
takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it,
and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: oojason
Time: 17-Mar-2005 7:05 PM
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^ LMAO

The difference between men and women... how true??

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will Call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each Throw in £20, even though it's only for £47.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A
Man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in Two people remembering the same thing.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 18-Mar-2005 12:20 PM
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Not a joke, but it's pretty funny.

http://www.muchosucko.com/video-snowdriftjump.html

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 18-Mar-2005 10:33 PM
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THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside of a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said:

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

"May the force be with you!"

Author: sean wookie
Time: 18-Mar-2005 10:41 PM
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LOL JM.

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 19-Mar-2005 12:54 AM
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That's pretty funny. I wonder if someone would get arrested if they did that?

[EDIT] I just ran across this "lost scene" from Star Wars. You can forget all about your crush on the green twilek.

*** ADULT WARNING: Kids should not look at this. Hey, you! Underage Star Wars geek in your parent's basement. Don't even think of looking at this! ***

(Yeah, right....)

http://www.muchosucko.com/video-theloststarwarsscene.html

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: PSYCHO_DAYV
Time: 19-Mar-2005 1:21 PM
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AN ADULT CONTENT WARNING WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide

Author: HotRod
Time: 19-Mar-2005 2:10 PM
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Originally posted by: ricarleite
What did the lesbian vampire said to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month."

Fucking funny man....Fucking funny!!

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Also very true

http://www.facebook.com/DirtyWookie

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 19-Mar-2005 2:12 PM
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"AN ADULT CONTENT WARNING WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE."

Apologize to your mom for me, okay?

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: ricarleite
Time: 19-Mar-2005 4:09 PM
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Adult content? You call that adult content? That was nothing... You have no idea what real adult content is...

Author: MeBeJedi
Time: 19-Mar-2005 4:49 PM
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Well, I'm glad someone else sees that. Hell, most of the jokes in this thread are "adult content".

MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.

MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.

JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.

Author: Trooperman
Time: 20-Mar-2005 5:54 PM
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Here's a clean one:

How many Vermonters does it take to eat a moose?

Two. One to eat it and one to watch for traffic.

Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side

“Back when we made Star Wars, we just couldn’t make Palpatine as evil as we intended. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, it is finally possible. Finally, I’ve created the movies that I originally imagined.” -George Lucas on the 2007 Extra Extra Special HD-DVD Edition

Author: PSYCHO_DAYV
Time: 20-Mar-2005 7:22 PM
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Originally posted by: MeBeJedi
"AN ADULT CONTENT WARNING WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE."

Apologize to your mom for me, okay?

IT WASN'T THE VIDEO FILE THAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. IT WAS THE ACTUAL SITE THAT THE FILE WAS ON THAT HAD THE ADULT CONTENT.

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide