Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 13

Author: PSYCHO_DAYV
Time: 2-Dec-2004 5:25 PM
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Originally posted by: Bossk
Are you sure you want to ask that, Sessler? I'd be afraid. Very afraid.

I haven't decided if I want to resurrect it or not.

THAT COULD BE YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO OT.COM.

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide

Author: RRS-1980
Time: 2-Dec-2004 6:11 PM
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Russian president, Vladimir Putin, wanted to have some fun on a Saturday night.
As his armored limousine was going through the red light district in Moscow, he was disguising himself to hide his well known identity. Finally the car reached the best brothel in Russian capital. Putin went inside... and got back only a couple minutes later!
- What happened, chief? - asked his driver and bodyguards - was the girl ugly?
- No, I ordered the prettiest and the most expensive girl, Tatiana, who always deals with foreign businessmen...
- So...?
- My cover was blown, that's it! She recognized me even with this wig and moustache!
- How come?
- I don't know... she recognized me somehow - when we were about to start, she spreaded her legs, smiled and said "Come on, put in!"

I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...

Author: Bossk
Time: 3-Dec-2004 9:25 AM
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One word, RRS, "ugh".

Dayv, I'm not sure the world is ready for the Chias again, are you?

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com

Author: GundarkHunter
Time: 5-Dec-2004 5:28 PM
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The world is ready for the Chias; stuff like that is just too good to keep under wraps.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author: Bossk
Time: 6-Dec-2004 10:19 AM
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OK, you guys asked for it.

Author: oojason
Time: 6-Dec-2004 10:54 AM
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another oldie, but goodie...

Thought for the day .......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by the year 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Author: oojason
Time: 6-Dec-2004 11:02 AM
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:-

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Have a piss.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: Bossk
Time: 6-Dec-2004 12:16 PM
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Jason, that Alzheimer's one is great.

Author: oojason
Time: 8-Dec-2004 9:06 AM
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Glad you're liking 'em...

Here's one doing the email rounds, that you Americans may not be so keen on

:-

BRITAIN HAS REVOKED AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE!

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an acceptable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who
have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
with correct pronunciation.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" eg.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should
instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2006. You should stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game, which is not played outside of America.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler.

8. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

9. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine".

12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon
- get used to it).

13. You will hand over Mel Gibson to face charges of treason, and recently making bad films.

14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: Bossk
Time: 8-Dec-2004 10:45 AM
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Originally posted by: oojason
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

AMEN!

I have seen something similar to this but not in quite so much detail. Cracks me the hell up. But I think it would be better if Britain's PM weren't such a supporter of the U.S. Make it something like France or Germany or both working to upend our independence and it becomes that much funnier.

Author: RRS-1980
Time: 8-Dec-2004 12:48 PM
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97.85%... Texasshire.... kevlar body armour .... ROTFL!

I just hope this joke won't be seen by many Americans or I'll start to worry about Britons visiting US... meeting aggressive "colonials"

I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...

Author: Bossk
Time: 8-Dec-2004 3:39 PM
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Nah, as a rule, Americans only assault German tourists.

Usually in Miami.

Author: Bossk
Time: 8-Dec-2004 3:52 PM
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11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".

If I already drink Killian's, Guinness, Bass, and Harp as a rule, am I already set?

I'm all for renaming the World Series. I always did find that rather odd even if we do have two teams (well, now it's just one) that are from outside the U.S.

But I must admit that I will never give up on American Football. Sorry, ain't happenin'. I would pit the Chicago Bears linebacking crew against rugby toughs you have. Even without gear. Brian Urlacher is one scary mofo.

Author: oojason
Time: 8-Dec-2004 9:16 PM
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Bossk, you'll be fine with the Killians and Guiness - though Harp is a little weak. Carlsberg or Carling is the 'norm' here - of course cider (preferably scumpy) is the ultimate drink

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.

Author: Bossk
Time: 9-Dec-2004 9:37 AM
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True that Harp is weak by comparison to the others. But it makes for a mean Black and Tan.

Author: Darth Simon
Time: 9-Dec-2004 10:25 AM
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Originally posted by: Bossk
True that Harp is weak by comparison to the others. But it makes for a mean Black and Tan.

A Black and Tan is Guinness and Bass not Guiness and Harp, i believe thats called a half and half.

But i agree about "American beer" or lager or whatever you want to call it. When i drink beer i do so for the taste, so i want to actually taste the beer (and i dont want that taste to be watered down urine)

-Darth Simon

Why Anakin really turned to the dark side:
"Anakin, You're father I am" - Yoda
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" - Anakin

0100111001101001011011100110101001100001

*touchy people disclaimer*
some or all of the above comments are partially exaggerated to convey a point, none of the comments are meant as personal attacks on anyone mentioned or reference in the above post

Author: Bossk
Time: 9-Dec-2004 11:28 AM
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Depends on how you look at it, Simon. Found this online...

What is a Black and Tan?

The answer depends on who you ask. The all-Guinness Black & Tan is Harp's Lager and Guinness. (Harp's is brewed by Guinness at Dundalk). Many consider the classic Black & Tan to be Bass Pale Ale and Guinness. (To some Irish, they appreciate the fact that the Irish comes out on top!) However, Bass Ale is not as available in Ireland as it used to be, and either Harp or Smithwicks is generally used. However, there are many variations involving a stout or porter and another lighter coloured beer, either lager or ale.

A half-and-half is often just another name for a Black & Tan. However, in many North American Irish pubs, the Bass/Guinness combination is called a Black & Tan, while the Harp/Guinness combination is called a Half-and-Half.

I use Harp because of how light it is. Haven't tried Bass Pale, though. Didn't know it existed. Plus, I have a glass I stole from a pub that says Black and Tan on it with the logos for Guinness and Harp. Now that I know that Harp is brewed by Guinness, the conflicting reports make more sense; Guinness wants to sell all their own brands so they'll shill Harp as the tan on their own glasses.

Author: RRS-1980
Time: 9-Dec-2004 12:22 PM
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Looks like some people here need a separate "beer thread"

I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...

Author: Bossk
Time: 9-Dec-2004 12:31 PM
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Didn't we have a beer thread at one point?

Author: GundarkHunter
Time: 9-Dec-2004 3:09 PM
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Looks like we do now.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author: ricarleite
Time: 9-Dec-2004 5:37 PM
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OK folks here comes another joke. This one's rated NC-17, so if you're not in the mood for this, or not old enough, please skip this post. I'll try to do my best at translating this one - it sounds better in portuguese.

There was this guy who worked in a sausage factory, and every day when he got back home his wife felt that there was something wrong with him, he seemed depressed. One day his wife asked him what was wrong, and he replied:

"Well, honey, the thing is... I didn't want to tell you this, but everyday at the factory I feel this gigantic urge to insert my penis in the sausage cutter...."

"What?! What are you saying?!", replied his wife, horrified, "You need professional help at once. You'll start seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow."

And he did seek professional help, and after a while he seemed to have overcome his urge, and, for his wife releaf, he was back to normal. But some months later he came home really, really depressed.

"What happened, dear?", asked his wife.

"I got fired today...", he said.

"Why?!"

"Well... I couldn't control myself... and I inserted my penis on the sausage cutter."

"WHAT?! But... are you ok?! What did the sausage cutter do to you?!"

"Oh they fired him too, but he was very gentle to me."

(laugh track here)

“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 18-Dec-2004 4:24 PM
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Okay, time for some Christmas jokes.

Chet The Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked excitedly. Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a match under Chet's left foot and Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night ... Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing!!!" Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!... " The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:"Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

"May the force be with you!"

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 18-Dec-2004 4:29 PM
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'Twas The Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

"May the force be with you!"

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 18-Dec-2004 4:30 PM
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A Letter From Santa

Dear Friends.

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird @#%$.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your butts down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Santa

"May the force be with you!"

Author: Jedi Master
Time: 18-Dec-2004 4:45 PM
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Maxine's Bah! Humbug!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!
But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes.
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a 'Get Lost!'"
But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
("I'll get you next year!")
THE END

"May the force be with you!"