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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 18

Author
Time
Say Something Good

Harvey and Gladys Williams are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
I like that one. Here's one I recently reminded myself of,

----------------------------------------------

Two men are out exploring the deep, deep jungle. They are suddenly surrounded by a tribe of wild natives. The men are tied up, and the tribal chief walks up to them.

He looks to both of them and says, "You have violated our territory. There are two punishments for this crime - death, or Bonga!"

The two men look at each other nervously, and one of them speaks. "I don't want to die, so I will choose Bonga!"

The tribal chief smiles, turns to his people, and shouts, "Bonga!" The whole tribe raises their hands, screams, "Bonga!", and start whooping and dancing. They take the first man and tie him face-down, bent over a large boulder. One by one, everyone in the tribe takes their turn sodomizing him. The men use their penises, and the women use whatever is within arm's reach. After a few hours, when everyone has had their turn and are so tired they can't even stand, the chief walks over and unties the man, who then falls to the ground. He manages to turn and look at the second man with glazed-over eyes, mutters something incoherent, and slowly drags himself away from the rock, back to the forest to hide.

Now, the second man has been watching this entire ordeal, horrified at what his friend has had to go through. He can't imagine having to endure such pain in order to save his own life.

The tribal chief walks up to the second man, and repeats the same question. "Death, or Bonga!" After a long pause, the man makes the hardest decision that he's ever had to make in his life. He can barely even say the word......"death". He drops his head in defeat.

The tribal chief watches him, and then turns back to his people. A big smile stretches across his face, and he shouts aloud, "Death by Bonga!"

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
Church Upgrades

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell," just can't stay on the church roof!"
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
Lights Out


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastage," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids"
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
^ LMFAO


For the youth of UK - born before 1975:-

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because
our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which
was
promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent
'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no
seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the
same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in
it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scrap and then went top
speed
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into
stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one
minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no
personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played tig or bulldog and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played chap-the-door-run-away (knock-door-run) and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or
daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They
actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!



Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before
lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read
about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile
on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called 'youth'.

They have never heard of Led Zepellin, and most of the music today are covers or samples.
They have never heard of The Clash, Madness or Blondie.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were
born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from
last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous
Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will
never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.



Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.


2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.


3. Your friends are getting married/already married.


4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.


5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.


6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.


7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good
Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced
together.


8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too... Yes, you're
getting old!!

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Author
Time
oojason that was perfect...

And let's see...

1. Yes...
2. Not really.
3. Oh yes.
4. Not really.
5. Yep.
6. I... don't know what that is...
7. Yes.
8. Sure.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
Author
Time
I'm a teenager and I shake my head when I see *anyone* with a mobile phone talking while they are driving or in a public place.
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
Author
Time
And now for something completely different:

PC-oriented haiku
Error Messages

1. A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

2. The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist.

3. Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

4. ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

5. Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

6. First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

7. With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

8. The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

9. Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

10. Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.

11. A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

12. Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

13. You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

14. Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

15. Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time
LOL

I was born in '70, but I don't know about these things:

"fluorescent'spokey dokey's' on our wheels."

"chap-the-door-run-away (knock-door-run)"
- We called it Ding-dong-ditch. (some called it "nig*** knocking" )

"RedHand Gang or the Famous Five."

"Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around."

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.


I used to have this one as a signature on another board.

Hey. I have an idea... I'll create a thread about it.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
Author
Time
Originally posted by: MeBeJedi
LOL

I was born in '70, but I don't know about these things:

"fluorescent'spokey dokey's' on our wheels."

"chap-the-door-run-away (knock-door-run)"
- We called it Ding-dong-ditch. (some called it "nig*** knocking" )

"RedHand Gang or the Famous Five."

"Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around."

A lot of this stuff comes from English popular culture, which would explain why you don't know about it. 'Chap-the-door-run-away' was known as 'Nikki-Nikki-Nine-Doors' where I 'm from; spokey-dokeys were little plastic beads you could attach to the wheels of your bike;and Famous Five was a series of books by English children's author Enid Blyton, which was turned into a TV series in the late 70s. I'm not familiar with the RedHand Gang, though.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author
Time
Gundark got most of the refercnes - the RedHand Gang was a US production (I think) - it got played endlessly here in the UK throughout the 6 week Summer holidays, Easter hols etc. Had a really catchy theme tune and intro titles. It actually had story arcs!!! lol

RedHand Gang info:-

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0173592/

http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/ShowMainServlet/showid-28862/

http://www.70slivekidvid.com/rhg.htm

http://www.tv.cream.org/ - for all our kid tv yesterdays...






Dirty Den in EastEnders - a lowlife dodgy pub landlord (with possible Mob links) in a once popular UK London-based soap opera. His character was written out (had him shot and falling into a canal) around 1987. In 2004 desperate for viewers they brought him back from the dead. (a bit like Bobby Ewing from Dallas).



A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Author
Time
ATTENTION! MILITARY JOKES!


***

Little son to his dad:
- Daddy, Daddy please make the elephants run!
- No, Sonny, elephants are tired now...
- But Daddy, Daddy, please, please make the elephants run again!
- Son, elephants are really sleepy now... they were running all day long because you wanted them to do so.
- Dad, please! One more time... please...
- OK, kid, but this is the last time today, elephants are almost falling... ...plaaatooooon! put yer gaaasmaaaasks - on! Run and circle the drill-ground , on the double!!!


***

- Hey, buddy, long time no see! What do you do now?
- Changed my work...
- So...? where do you work now?
- Can't say, that's top secret, national security and so on...
- OK, so at least tell me how much do they pay?
- Not much... $5 for grenade, $15 per bomb made...


***

- Why can't you form a straight row, maggots? - yells the sergeant at his soldiers standing in a line
- Because ... Earth is round - whispers one of them
- What?? Who said that?!?!
- Copernicus, sir.
- Copernicus?!?! Copernicus step forward, you assh0le!


***

Corporal examines a private:
- Private! What material is rifle's barrel made of?
- It's made of steel, sir.
- Good... now, what material is rifle's lock made of?
- It's made of steel, sir.
- Wrong! Check the manual text again, you maggot! See? The answer is "...and the lock is made of the same material"!


***

Guerrillas got a tip that enemy troops are heading to the village. Unable to run, they hid in the well. Enemy soldiers marched soon after, searching for the partisan forces.
- Look everywhere, don't let them to escape - yells the commander - maybe they hid themselves in the barn?
The "echo" from the well repeats: "....maybe they hid themselves in the barn?"
- Or maybe they run to the woods?
The "echo" from the well repeats: "....or maybe they run to the woods?
- Hey! Maybe they are sitting in the well?
The "echo" from the well says: "....or maybe they run to the woods?

***


Train. In the same compartment travels mother with busty daughter, private and a sergeant. The train enters a tunnel and suddenly we hear SLAP!
Now, what do the passengers think?
Mother: one of the soldiers must have tried to pinch my daughter, but she slapped him.
Daughter: wow! Mommy is still popular among men - one of them must have tried to pinch her, but she slapped him.
Sergeant: Darn! The private "got lucky" and I got slapped!
Private: heh, when we enter another tunnel I'm gonna slap the sergeant in the face one more time!



***


Excerpts from the military manuals:

PUDDLE
A small body of water with no strategical importance. Can be crossed without pontoon bridge.

SPOON
The spoon is composed of A) a handle B) a soup tank.

WATCHDOG
The watchdog is composed of A) a leash B) an actual dog.

BIKINI
A prototype beach camouflage for female soldiers.

INCH
An imperial unit of measurement, twice as long as the caliber of heavy machine gun.

BUSH (do not confuse with Mr Dubya)
A natural element of the battlefield with increased camouflage capabilities.

CHAIR
A metal/woode/plastic device supporting the rear end of the soldier.

RIVER
A strategically important terrain obstacle with 100% humidity.

WINDOW
A rectangular hole in a building allowing for firing machine gun.

TOWEL
A rectangular piece of cloth used for reducing the wetness level of a soldier.

SOCKS
Short range chemical weapon, its use is not forbidden by Geneva Convention.

SUN
Light source allowing for daytime military operations.

NEEDLE
A small, point tipped melee weapon.


- What all soldiers should have in their footlockers?
- Orderliness


I hope that my translation didn't kill them
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time
Have you ever tried to read a joke backwards? Reading the last sentence first, and so on, until the punchline finally makes sense? It's an interesting experience.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
Author
Time


DR. DAVE...

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...






...you're a vet.

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Author
Time
Not sure if this is a joke or not - but certainly interesting...

http://www.hitman.us/main.html

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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"HITMAN is a cruelty-free organization. None of our services have been tested on animals."


LOL.

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
I just ran across this website. There's simply tooooo much good stuff there to post here, so go see for yourself.

High Tech Redneck - Go to the Email Hall Of Fame.

[EDIT]

Okay, I HAVE to post this one.

http://www.htrdnck.com/HallOFame/pics/Bombsquad.jpg

It stopped working.

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
OK folks since the Pope is this month's hot subject, I'll share with you a joke that was actually written by Albino Luciani, Pope Jonh Paul the First, whose papacy only lasted 33 days. I must warn you, Popes are not good with comedy, so...

"A man was in the desert, almost dying of thirst. Suddenly, he sees someone standing in the desert. He runs towards that person, and it's a tie salesman. Although the man begs him for water, the tie salesman only wants to sell him a tie.

'Why would I want to buy a tie in the middle of the desert?', said the thirsty man, who abandoned the salesman and continued to walk through the desert. It gets dark, and he sees something that looks like a mirage: it's a fancy restaurant, filled with elegant, rich people who are getting there by limousines and helicopters. He runs to the door, and begs on his knees to the doorman:

'Please, sir, a glass of water!'

'I'm sorry, but the dress code here demands wearing a tie.' "

I've read other 2 jokes written by him, but they were all not very funny, they were supposed to be tales with morale and stuff...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
Author
Time
^ I liked it m8


A housewife took a lover during the day, while her husband was at work, not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside. I really think you should buy it..."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happened again that the boy and the mom's lover were in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."


A few days later, the father said to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy said, "I can't. I sold them."

The dad asked, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son replied, "$1000."

The father said, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They went to church and the father alerted the priest and made the little boy sit in the confession booth and he then closed the door.

The boy said, "Dark in here..."


The priest said, "Don't start that shit again."

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Author
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ROTFL! I've heard that one a looooong time ago, but it still makes me laugh.

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.

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LOL!!!
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Dunno if it's been posted already, but here goes...

Where are you if you're surrounded by 18,000 sheep and one blonde?


(wait for it)


(it's coming)


A Britney Spears concert.


Sorry, that was pretty ba-a-a-a-a-ad.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
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