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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 16

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."





A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
;stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

I'm sorry;, says the pharmacist, we don't have any

But I always buy it here,says the blonde.

Do you have the container that it came in?; asks the pharmacist

YES, said the blonde, I'll go home and get it;

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at ;it and says to her;This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container, TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.







A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

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"A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant."

Here's one for you.

A blonde walks into the pharmacy and says she needs some deodorant for her boyfriend.

"What kind do you need? Does he have a preference?"

The blonde replies, "I don't know. He just said he needed some deodorant. What kinds are there?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, this brand right here is the ball type."

The blonde smiles. "Oh no, silly. He needs it for his armpits."

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

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A Baptist Bra

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the sales lady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?" He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted. "Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.

Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?" They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
"May the force be with you!"
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Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs. (B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! (D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. (G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
"May the force be with you!"
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
"May the force be with you!"
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LMAO

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"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
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1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green, Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I cut off your arms!"

16. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
"May the force be with you!"
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The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.



My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.



Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?



My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.



A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.



My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.



You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "S**t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"



The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.



Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.



I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".



I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...



Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.



Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.



The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears



My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.



Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.



A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".



Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.



I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"



It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.



I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.



If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.



I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

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LOL very good, but some of it sounds like stand-up material. Whose is it?

From some north american stand-up comediants I've seen (whose names I cannot remember, but the first 3 ones are frmo a comediant you might be able to know the name of):

* I don't have a car anymore, I have an helicopter. To park it, I just throw an anchor and leave the engine running.

* I once put instant coffe on a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

* I have this full scale map of the world extremly well folded. It says "1 mile = 1 mile"

* This is a good one if you have a baby and want to have a laugh. Dress the baby as bad as you can, and go to the supermarket with the baby and your wife. Fill up the shopping cart with booze, and at the end put just one pack of diapers on the top. When you get to the register, pretend you don't have enough money, and remove the diapers.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Originally posted by: oojason
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.


Who's Dando? I was thinking Evan Dando of the Lemonheads, but he's still alive, isn't he?
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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I guess for some of those you have to be a Brit to get it, huh?
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
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All in my last post from the Edinburgh Fringe comedy Festival - or so I was told in the email a m8 sent me, so a little Brit based in it's humour

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Originally posted by: TheSessler
I guess for some of those you have to be a Brit to get it, huh?


Well, I know all of them except Dando. So do I get an explanation or what?

Oh, and here is a new joke...

All the women I know must have gone to the same school to learn the definition of these words, as they are universal in their specific meaning with all of them.

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Bossk - Dando (Jill Dando) was a BBC reporter/presenter who was murdered a couple of years ago.


A golden oldie:-


THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not
really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of
the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"


The moral of this story is:















Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Too True To Be Funny...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.--but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyster suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said O. K., grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS." ..
"May the force be with you!"
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I didn't want to start a whole new thread for this. So I figured this thread was as good as any for it.

These are some MP3s for Silence! The Musical. Yes, as in Silence of the Lambs. Particularly check out "Put the Fucking Lotion in the Basket"... cracked me up.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Like the movie "Cannibal the Musical"?
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Couldn't tell you for sure.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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LOL!! fucking lotion in the basket... Very funny.

Yes sounds like an amateur version of Trey Parker's and Matt Stone's Cannibal the Musical, their first feature film distributed by Troma.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house
yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!



All £10,000,000...."


"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" she replies.


"Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"


Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?"



she blurts,



"What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies,
"Gold, Silver and Bronze".



What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily."



Gold of course", says the man proudly.



The wife responds," Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you
came second for a change!"


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A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He
says
to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I
ask
how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was
a
tongue twister accident.



See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the



most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, 'I'd
like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to



Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one."



The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to
say
to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I
accidentally
said, 'you ruined my life you evil bitch'...

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