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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 14

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This is a famous one:

The scientific inquiry into Santa Claus

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and gens, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once ever 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214, 200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353, 430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353, 000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder --and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What
about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand newjet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends..."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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http://smilies.jeeptalk.org/cwm/cwm/laugh.gif
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
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Male Date Rape Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
"May the force be with you!"
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JM, while your "Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas" was really very cute, I just feel the need to point out that Macs don't have a "C" drive. Sorry, hate to be picky.

Still very funny, though. I'd love to meet that Santa.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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HERE'S OF THAT'S RATED PG-13...

(ONE OF MY OLD CLUSTER MANAGERS WHO IS GAY TOLD ME THIS ONE)

THREE GAY MEN ARE AT A FUNERAL. THEY WERE ALL AT ONE TIME LOVERS OF THE MAN WHO WAS NOW ASHES IN AN URN. THE THREE MEN BEGAN TO ARGUE AS TO WHOM WOULD GET THE ASHES. THEY FINALLY DECIDE THAT WHOMEVER COULD COME UP WITH THE BEST WAY TO RELEASE THE ASHES BACK INTO THE EARTH WOULD BE THE WINNER.

THE FIRST MAN, "I'LL TAKE HIS ASHES UP TO THE HIGHEST PEAK OF THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN AND RELEASE HIS ASHES OUT INTO THE WIND GIVING HIM BACK TO MOTHER NATURE."

THE SECOND MAN, "I'M GOING TO DUMP HIS ASHES ALL OVER MY BODY AND RUN INTO THE OCEAN GIVING HIM BACK TO MOTHER EARTH."

THE THIRD MAN SAID, "I'M GOING TO MAKE A PIECE OF TOAST AND POUR TABASCO SAUCE, JALAPINO JUICE, CAYENNE PEPPERS, AND HIS ASHES ONTO IT THEN EAT IT ALL UP.

THE FIRST AND SECOND MAN IN UNISON EXCLAIMED, "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT ???"

THE THIRD MAN, "BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO TEAR UP THIS @$$ ONE MORE TIME."

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide

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Originally posted by: Bossk
JM, while your "Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas" was really very cute, I just feel the need to point out that Macs don't have a "C" drive. Sorry, hate to be picky.

Still very funny, though. I'd love to meet that Santa.


If they don't have a C drive, what do they have?
"May the force be with you!"
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The History Of Teaching Math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I
pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood
there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the
screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me
two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood
there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?

Please read more about the "history of teaching math":

Teaching Math In 1950
************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is
his profit?


Teaching Math In 1960
************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1970
************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


Teaching Math In 1980
***********************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math In 1990
************************
By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Math In 2005

************************

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de
production es.............
"May the force be with you!"
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^ funny - because it's true

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
Why is the 2005 one in spanish? I don't get it.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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That's the punchline. For every decade before, it was taught in different ways in English. But since there's a vast amount of Mexicans here that don't speak English.... Do you get it now?
"May the force be with you!"
Author
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Yes, but what I got from the joke is that the question was getting "dumber" every decade, very funny, but then it ends with one in (incorrect written) spanish... But yes I kinda get it now.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Time
Originally posted by: Jedi Master
If they don't have a C drive, what do they have?


It's just known simply as "Macintosh HD". No drive letters are assigned on Macs. You can install as many peripherals and drives as you want (so long as you have the plugs) without having to worry about the alphabet assignment system.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Oh Holly Land...

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can either have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 plus funeral expenses to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00 total?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
"May the force be with you!"
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That's great! Thanks.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Memo To The Family Dog & Cat




1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball. So it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to u se the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years.. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's my child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
"May the force be with you!"
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Originally posted by: Jedi Master
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.


And yet, if your kids die, you don't toss them on the dumpster, or flush them down the toilet...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Time
I've never known a person to throw a dog or cat in the dumpster upon death and I've never seen a toilet big enough to fit a dog or cat (except for maybe that rat-dog from "Meet the Fockers").
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Time
That's not a dog. A dog has to be @ least 18" tall @ the shoulder. Anything else is a genetically modified rat.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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Hence why I called it a rat-dog. I had a friend when I was in high school that had this tiny little dog that, when you looked at it, had the same snout as a fruit bat. I used to call it a bat-dog and kept teasing about when it would finally spread its wings and fly.

As they say in a commercial from this past year, if it's smaller than a football, it's not a dog.

I like beagles and they're not 18" and I dig Jack Russell Terriers as well. They're dogs in my book (bigger than footballs).

But my fave is a chocolate lab. A dog in both our books.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
Originally posted by: Bossk
I've never known a person to throw a dog or cat in the dumpster upon death and I've never seen a toilet big enough to fit a dog or cat (except for maybe that rat-dog from "Meet the Fockers").


I know a vet, and she told me that some people just don't care about their pets. There was once this woman at her office, and her dog was very sick and old, and wouldn't live much longer. This wonan asked her (the vet) to sacrifice the dog now, because they were going to move soon and wanted to get this out of the way right now.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Time
I buried the pets I had as a kid. However, two of the cats I grew up with that died after I moved out of my parents' house were cremated by them upon their death. The vet offered cremation services. Kinda weird. I just kept the collar from one of the two cats. My brother has the other collar.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
If my dog died, I would stuff it and use it to create my latest case mod.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering