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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 12

Author
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Radio Erewan
good old political jokes from USSR

***

- Is that true that letters are censored in Soviet Union?
- Generally, no... but letters with anti-soviet content are not delivered.

***

- I hate the Communistic Party, I hate the First Secretary and our other leaders! What I am supposed to do?
- Please provide us with your full name and address...

***

- I've heard great news: is that true that they give cars for free in Leningrad?
- Generally, yes! ...well, not in Leningrad, but in Moscow... not cars, but bicycles... and they don't give it for free, they steal them.

***

- Is that true that life in those remote camps in Siberia is good?
- Yes! One of our reporters wanted to confirm this and he liked the new place so much that he stayed there - forever.

***

- How far are we from the real communism?
- 8 kilometers.
- What? How did calculated that?
- Comrade Lenin once said: "Each 5-year plan is a step forward in our way to communism!"

***

- Is that true that Soviet people may freely leave Soviet Union and travel around the globe?
- Yes, especially the astronauts.

***

- Is that true that maize grows in Soviet Union like telephone poles?
- Yes! Well, in some of our farms it's even more dense...

***

- I need an explanation. They said on TV yesterday that we will soon catch up with America's economy, but in the news paper I read that America's economy is on the verge of a collapse? What gives?
- ............... err... our station's power will be down for a while.... stand by...

***

- Is that true that Soviet Navy submarines hold the world record of submergence time?
- Yes. Two subs are still sumberged, since 1957.

***

- What is the difference between capitalism and communism?
- In capitalism a man persecutes another man. Fortunately, in communism it's the other way around!
or
- In capitalism there is a discipline in production and chaos in consumption. In communism it's vice versa.
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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Those are hilarious, RRS.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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A thread solely about Chia pets? What is this world coming to.
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
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Are you sure you want to ask that, Sessler? I'd be afraid. Very afraid.

I haven't decided if I want to resurrect it or not.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Ya gotta do it, Bossk. The world needs more KAKAPEEPEE!

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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Oh, we can have kakapeepee without the horror that was the Chias.

It's as simple as...

KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE! KAKAPEEPEE!

Damn that felt good!
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
Yes, but the horror needs to be unleashed on the world again; makes a nice diversion from all the political talk.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author
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oh-kay...

"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
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If you had joined a year earlier, it would all make sense. You're young (to this site). We forgive you.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
I beg for mercy, teach me the ways of the Chia!
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
Author
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I'm of the opinion that you'll regret having made that request.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
Only time will tell.
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
Author
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Okay, here's one my brother sent me. Granted it was originally written from the point of view of Colin Farrell, I have adapted it for this forum...

How to Cook a Turkey
from the motti_soL Culinary Institute

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
That was pretty good, Bossk! You almost had me thinking you were drunk.
"May the force be with you!"
Author
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An instant classic!
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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Originally posted by: Jedi Master
That was pretty good, Bossk! You almost had me thinking you were drunk.


he almost had me drinking I was thunk
Why Anakin really turned to the dark side:
"Anakin, You're father I am" - Yoda
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" - Anakin

0100111001101001011011100110101001100001

*touchy people disclaimer*
some or all of the above comments are partially exaggerated to convey a point, none of the comments are meant as personal attacks on anyone mentioned or reference in the above post
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When I first read to Step 5, I was about to send my brother a proofread version of it and then I realized what was going on.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
Since this IS the joke thread, here's a little joke for you. I'll try to write it as well as I can remember it:

WISHES OF MEN ACROSS THEIR LIFETIME

0 to 5 years old: To be able to walk straight, eat without making a mess and not urinating on his pants
6 to 15 years old: ----- To have friends
16 to 18 years old:----------- To keep his driving license
19 to 30 years old: --------------- To have sex with 20 year old girls
31 to 40 years old: -------------------- Make money
41 to 50 years old: -------------------- Make money
51 to 60 years old: --------------- To have sex with 20 year old girls
61 to 70 years old:----------- To keep his driving license
71 to 75 years old: ----- To have friends
80+ years old: To be able to walk straight, eat without making a mess and not urinating on his pants


“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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^ lol




I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole 'Women from Venus and Men from Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do".

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up... and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??..What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man!" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, where she picked up a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you....she was soooo excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all I'd like, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it". Her face just went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while...........You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either...

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A man at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge, ignoring the outbust continues... "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The man in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the man in the back of the courtroom "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you - or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b'stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die".

I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout for help"...

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
I've heard that first one of yours before, Jason, it's a goodie. The other three I hadn't heard before and I love 'em!
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
Author
Time
Those are all great, Jason.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.