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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 28

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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL AD'S:-


40'ISH - 49

ADVENTUROUS - SLEPT WITH EVERYONE

ATHLETIC - NO BREASTS

FEMINIST - FAT

VOLUPTUOUS - VERY FAT

AVERAGE LOOKING - MOOOO !

BEAUTIFUL - PATHELOGICAL LIAR

EMOTIONALLY SECURE - ON MEDICATION

OUTGOING - EMBARASSINGLY LOUD

FREE SPIRIT - JUNKIE

FRIENDSHIP FIRST - FORMER SLUT

OLD FASHIONED - NO BLOWJOBS

NEW AGE - BODY HAIR IN WRONG PLACES

PROFESSIONAL - BITCH

OPEN MINDED - DESPERATE

LOOKING FOR SOULMATE - STALKER

---------------------------------------------------------------


DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH ---

YES - NO

NO - YES

MAYBE - NO

WE NEED - I WANT

I AM SORRY - YOU'LL BE SORRY

WE NEED TO TALK - YOU'RE IN TROUBLE

SURE, GO AHEAD - YOU BETTER NOT

DO WHAT YOU WANT - YOU WILL PAY FOR IT LATER

I AM NOT UPSET - OF COURSE I'M UPSET, YOU MORON

YOU'RE VERY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT - IS SEX ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?

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This woman goes to a multi-story department store called "Husbands." She enters one the first level and sees a sign which reads:
THIS LEVEL: PLAIN MEN.
CUSTOMERS ARE ALLOWED TO ASCEND TO THE NEXT LEVEL, HOWEVER PLEASE NOTE THAT ONCE YOU HAVE GONE UP, YOU CANNOT GO BACK DOWN...
Well, the woman was curious so she went up to the next floor. This floor was labeled:
THIS LEVEL: ATTRACTIVE MEN
The woman was impressed but she figured she'd see the next floor. The sign read:
THIS LEVEL: ATTRACTIVE MEN WITH MONEY
She was getting excited now, so she decided to go up another floor. The next sign read:
THIS LEVEL: ATTRRACTIVE MEN WITH MONEY WHO LOVE CHILDREN
She went up to the next level where the sign read:
THIS LEVEL: ATTRACTIVE MEN WITH MONEY WHO LOVE CHILDREN AND ARE GREAT IN BED AND WHO ARE WELL EDUCATED
The woman decided she'd go up another level. The floor was empty and the sign read:
YOU ARE THE 3,043,939 CUSTOMER WHO HAS COME THIS FAR. THERE ARE NO MEN UP HERE FOR NO ONE IS THAT PERFECT.
This just goes to prove, men, that women are NEVER satisfied.
There was a similar store across the street, called "Wives." The first floor was labeled "WOMEN" and the second "ATTRACTIVE WOMEN." No one ever went up to the third floor...

I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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Ouch! Not for the faint-hearted men (but probably good for male-hating women)
A man in Denmark is suing his hospital for...
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
That could be motti!


How?
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
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Originally posted by: oojason
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL AD'S:-

DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH ---

YES - NO

NO - NO

MAYBE - NO

WE NEED - I WANT

I AM SORRY - YOU'LL BE SORRY

WE NEED TO TALK - YOU'RE IN TROUBLE

SURE, GO AHEAD - YOU BETTER NOT

DO WHAT YOU WANT - YOU WILL PAY FOR IT LATER

I AM NOT UPSET - OF COURSE I'M UPSET, YOU MORON

YOU'RE VERY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT - IS SEX ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?



I fixed it for you

-Darth Simon
Why Anakin really turned to the dark side:
"Anakin, You're father I am" - Yoda
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" - Anakin

0100111001101001011011100110101001100001

*touchy people disclaimer*
some or all of the above comments are partially exaggerated to convey a point, none of the comments are meant as personal attacks on anyone mentioned or reference in the above post
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#^ cheers m8 - you've obviously met my missus

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Here's a website I found, not sure if this is where it belongs. But some may find it funny lol....

Build your own lightsber!!!


EDIT: It's not clear, but the instuctions are on the right, those little dash marks.
http://www.my-musik.com/uploads/zidane006.gif
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A RUGGED COWBOY FROM BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN GOES INTO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
AND HAS SOME TESTS RUN............

THE DOCTOR COMES BACK AND SAYS " I AM NOT GOING TO BEAT AROUND THE
BUSH. YOU HAVE AIDS !!!!"

THE COWBOY TUGS AT HIS STETSON AND SETS HIS JAW, AND SAYS "DOC. WHAT
CAN I DO ???"

THE DOCTOR SAYS " I WANT YOU TO GO HOME AND EAT 5 POUNDS OF SPICY
SAUSAGE,
A HEAD OF CABBAGE,20 UNPEELED CARROTS DRENCHED IN HOT SAUCE , 10
JALOPENO PEPPERS, 40 WALNUTS AND 40 PEANUTS, 1/2 HALF BOX OF GRAPENUT
CEREAL,
AND TOP IT OFF WITH A GALLON OF PRUNE JUICE."

THE COWBOY SQUARES HIS RUGGED SHOULDERS AND ASKS, "WILL THAT CURE ME DOC
????

"NO, BUT IT SHOULD LEAVE YOU WITH A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOUR
ASS IS FOR" ...
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase...
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year"

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A man enters his tenth floor flat certain he'd find a man in bed with his wife... he searches all over the flat and finds only his wife... alone and naked... he looks over the balcony and sees a guy leaving the building.

he charges into the kitchen...picks up the fridge and launches it off the balcony...

the next day... 2 men wake up in hospital, next to each other covered head to toe in bandages... one says the the other... what happened to you?

i was just walking out from my block of flats when suddenly a large fridge crashed down on me... what about you?

you are not going to believe this said the other guy.....i was in the fridge!!

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:-


Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (it gives off heat) or endothermic (it absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some similar variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa - a classmate - during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

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Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her

http://i.imgur.com/7N84TM8.jpg

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How To Beat A Speeding Ticket


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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Okay, so this kid walks into a whorehouse, dragging a dead frog on a string. He's maybe 12 years old, tops. He says to the Madame, "I want a girl. One with a disease."
Well the Madame, you can understand, is a bit shocked. "What're you, kid, 10?"
"I'm 12!", he says, and before she can interrupt he adds, "and I got money!"
The kid throws a huge chunk of cash on the counter.
"Well," she says, "far be it from me to deny a paying customer, even one your age, but I gotta ask....why do you want a girl with a disease?"
"It's like this," says the kid, "I figure she'll give me whatever she's got, then I'll go home and give it to the babysitter."
The Madame smiles.
"The babysitter, she'll give it to my dad, and my dad'll give it to my mom. My mom," says the kid, "she'll give it to the mailman...
"AND THAT'S THE SONAFABITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!"
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This is one my biology teacher told the class a few days ago... as we just finished studying human anatomy:






All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
Don't forget: with Lacuna, you can forget.
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A man breaks down on the motorway in his 3-wheeled Reliant Robin. Just then a fella in a Lamborghini passes and stops to help. "I'll give you a tow to the next garage" says the man, "but if i'm going too fast for you, just flash your lights and I'll slow down"

So off they go, the Reliant in tow.

They're driving along, when a Ferrari whizzes past, doing 150mph.

The Lamborghini driver decides to pose, and race the Ferrari, and proceeds to put his foot down.

A mile down the road, a policeman on his motorbike radio's through to his colleague. "You won't believe what I've just seen. A Ferrari doing 150mph and a Lamborghini racing beside him also doing 150mph.

Whats so great bout that?" asks the colleague

"Well," says the copper "There's a Reliant Robin also doing 150mph, flashing his lights, trying to overtake..."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve! ," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?"
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Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Owned!! Stickin' it to the woman!

Ooh I just got an idea...
http://www.my-musik.com/uploads/zidane006.gif
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

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Those were awesome. Here's some jokes about blind people:

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dog.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
http://www.my-musik.com/uploads/zidane006.gif