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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 24

Author
Time

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After
3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Janet, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Janet said.

The next day, Janet ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Janet."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £300, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now
get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said. She reached
in and grabbed it with both hands ....

Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ...

"Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, ....

..tentatively said ....



"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"



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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & have sex for the 1st time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insisted on the family size pack - telling the pharmacist he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his 1st time & all.

That night the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I am so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still in deep prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


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> > Snappy Answer #1
> >
> >A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
> >to check tickets.
> >As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
> >ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed
> >her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to
> >see your ticket, not your stub."
> >
> > Snappy Answer #2
> >
> >A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
> >grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
> >her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys
> >get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
> >they're dead."
> >
> >Snappy Answer #3
> >
> >When the cop got out of his car, the kid who was
> >stopped for speedingrolled down his window. "I've been
> >waiting for you all day," said the cop. The kid
> >replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
> >When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
> >on his way without a ticket.
> >
> > Snappy Answer #4
> >
> >A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
> >sign comes up thatreads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he
> >knows it his truck gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
> >are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
> >up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the
> >truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
> >"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was
> >delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
> >
> >Snappy Answer #5
> >
> >A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
> >single agent was re-booking a long line of
> >inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
> >pushed his way to the counter. He slapped his ticket
> >down onthe counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
> >flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent
> >replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
> >you, but I've got to help these folks who are ahead of
> >you in linefirst. I'm sure we'll be able to work
> >something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He
> >responded loudly, so that the passengers behind him
> >could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without
> >missing a beat, the agent smiled and grabbed her
> >public address microphone. "May I have your attention
> >please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout
> >the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
> >who doesnot know who he is. If anyone can help him
> >find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
> > With the folks behind him in line laughing
> >hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
> >gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!" Without so
> >much as a flinch, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
> >sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
> >
> >And that brings us to Snappy Answer #6, the best of
> >2005...
> >
> >A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's
> >final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
> >for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
> >nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> >illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
> >that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass
> >guy in the back of the room raised hishand and asked,
> >"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
> >sufferingfrom complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
> >The entire class did its best to stifle their
> >laughter and snickering. When silence was restored,
> >the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student,
> >shook herhead, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd
> >have to write the exam with your other hand."

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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough
of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

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an oldie, but a goodie...



A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take
a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and proceeded to walk out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"

Scroll Down :-
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies.."

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OK, I had to modify this one a bit while translating, but now it may be even better

- Microsoft Call Center, how can I help you?
- I've got a problem!
- Well, can you describe the problem, Ma'am?
- I have a file in .txt format and I need one in .doc format! How to do this?
- The format you say... yeah... good. Please type "format" at the prompt... where is your file located? "C" drive?
- Yes, it's on C drive.
- Good, then add "C:" after "format".
- Are you sure this will help?
- Definitely. I guarantee you that your problem will vanish.


I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads ,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:

"You're next fatty".



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An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longerduring the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

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F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng
diz txt r00lz!!!1!1
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies,
"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,

"What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over
there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass
in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line.

The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous
and they're going to be well-liked as they travel the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm
putting next to them."
Author
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Not actually a joke, but just received this e-mail from a friend and thought I would post it:

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

"A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for
12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a
passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier,
called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in
Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they
thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer
they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all
fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to
him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened
by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and
Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it
if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The
dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol
problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act
which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his
drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time
at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who
voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public
highway.

Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely
disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
**Possibly offensive humor ahead, with apologies in advance, and yes I can relate**





A man is walking on the beach, and sees a woman with no arms or legs lying on the sand crying.

He says to her "Why are you crying?"

She looks at him and says "Well, because of my handicap I've never been screwed"

So the man looks at her, picks her up and tosses her into the ocean and says "Well, you are now"
Nemo me impune lacessit

http://ttrim.blogspot.com
Author
Time
I've heard that one a little differently - the man looks at the ocean and sees the tide is coming in and says 'don't worry. you will be'.

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
Originally posted by: oojason
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of
Copenhagen:-

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the
skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the
barometer will equal the height of the building."

This answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He
appealed on the grounds that his answer was
indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to
decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer
was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To
resolve the problem it wasdecided to call the
student in and allow him six minutes in which to providea verbal answer which
showed at least a minimal familiarity with the
basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied
that he had several extremely relevant
answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it
over the edge, and measure the time it takes
to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the
formula H = 0.5g x t squared.But bad luck
on the barometer.

Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set
it on end and measure the length of its shadow.
Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a
simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work
out the height of the skyscraper.

But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece
of string to the barometer and swing it like a
pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The
height is worked out by the difference in the
gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq rroot (l / g).

Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easierto
walk up it and mark off the height of the
skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use
the barometer to measure the air pressure
on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in
millibars intofeet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and
apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the
best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would
like a nice new barometer, I will give you this
one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."


Some claim that the student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.


ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author
Time
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, " I want to have sex with you right now. I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I will have sex with you from behind, and then be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the £500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That son-of-a-bitch had £500 in 20p coins!!!"

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

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… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and
generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a pleasant view of her anatomy. It had to be
deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister
called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted
to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me." I was stunned
and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached
the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my
entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his
eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter, welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the
abdomen.


Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy
daughters and a son.


They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
in tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay
and explains what happened 16 years ago.


About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells
her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.


A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says
the mother, "I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet
came out."


"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

Author
Time
Basic Rules For Driving In Montreal


1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Montreal driver
never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
going with the flow.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects
it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want
your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete
stop at all stop signs.

6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before
hitting the orange construction barrels.

7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Quebec is a no-fault insurance province and the other guy doesn't have
anything to lose.

8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
your legs.

9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.

10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
are apparently not enforceable in the Montreal area during rush hour.

11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a Montreal driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in Montreal.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire.

14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Montreal is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to the SAAQ, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

15. It is traditional in Montreal to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.

16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.

17. Remember that the goal of every Montreal driver is to get there
first, by whatever means necessary.

18. Real Montreal women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye
makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

19. Real Montreal men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and
bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

20. In the Montreal area, flipping someone the bird is considered a
Quebec salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Author
Time
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.


The dealers starred at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.