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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 23

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^

Always some strange goings on the tube - last week some student had a 'Make Bono History' t-shirt on - nearly spat out my coffee laughing

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My favorites are:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...."


LOL

Yoda, are you serious, do they actually speak like that at the London tube? Surely makes delays or problems more bearable, makes sense... but can they actually say the F word?!
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Yeah, this morning for example on my way to work the train driver asked the passengers on the train to try and clear the area around the door so that people could get off. Of course, nobody did. At the next station the platform was on the opposite side so the opposite doors opened. As the train approached the station the driver said 'ok ladies and gentlemen, seeing as the people on the left of the train are inconsidertae and miserable, let's see if the people on the right are any better, and just to make it interesting how about saying excuse me and thank you'. I was laughing to myself about it, but everyone else just looked glum and miserable and didn't find it at all funny. When we reached the next station the platform again switched sides and the driver said 'ok guys on the right, I we know you're selfish and incosiderate, but how about giving it a go and making way for the people getting off the train, go on, do a good deed, you might like it' Hilarious. I must admit I've never heard a driver swear though. I have heard an announcemnt that said 'would the bloody idiot who is moving between carriages while the train is moving please stop, or do us all a favour and hurry up and fall under the train'

War does not make one great.

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How can they not find it funny?! I'd love if the local subway operators said stuff like that! Would make the whole trip more enjoyable, would educate people on how to behave on the trains... It's brilliant...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, it is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, i rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." with that, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation,so he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he finishes. Still,no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

War does not make one great.

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Brilliant, but, I'm sure someone would have spoken up WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY before he had sex the first time.
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Originally posted by: Adamwankenobi
Brilliant, but, I'm sure someone would have spoken up WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY before he had sex the first time.


thats why its called a joke, cause it wouldnt have been funny if someone had spoken up earlier
Why Anakin really turned to the dark side:
"Anakin, You're father I am" - Yoda
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" - Anakin

0100111001101001011011100110101001100001

*touchy people disclaimer*
some or all of the above comments are partially exaggerated to convey a point, none of the comments are meant as personal attacks on anyone mentioned or reference in the above post
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Yeah, but that joke just plain isn't believeable. No offense.
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Originally posted by: Yoda Is Your Father
^ Dickhead


Should I remind you again of what you should do in those cases?
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Originally posted by: ricarleite
Originally posted by: Yoda Is Your Father
^ Dickhead


Should I remind you again of what you should do in those cases?


Sorry Ric, a momentary lapse.

*resumes ignore AWK policy*

War does not make one great.

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ROTFLMAO! Only 3 days left to our presidential election ...and I saw this poster:

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/7766/palpinaprez1up.th.jpg
click for bigger pic
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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A guy walks into the psychologist's office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
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Originally posted by: RRS-1980
ROTFLMAO! Only 3 days left to our presidential election ...and I saw this poster:

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/7766/palpinaprez1up.th.jpg
click for bigger pic


What does it say?
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Ric, you're a smart guy, if I said we have elections coming and I show you Palpatine's voting poster - it's already funny, no matter what is actually written.

Anyway, is says "President Palpatine", "A man ruling with a strong hand", "A man who can stop corruption", "[Voting list] No. 66" and the last is a joke from the actual party: "League of United Galaxy". Imperial seal in national colors.
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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Originally posted by: RRS-1980
Ric, you're a smart guy, if I said we have elections coming and I show you Palpatine's voting poster - it's already funny, no matter what is actually written.

Anyway, is says "President Palpatine", "A man ruling with a strong hand", "A man who can stop corruption", "[Voting list] No. 66" and the last is a joke from the actual party: "League of United Galaxy". Imperial seal in national colors.


I did find it funny, and I got the "66" joke, I was just wondering what was written... Thanks!
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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saw this one on another forum i read from time to time.

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."
Why Anakin really turned to the dark side:
"Anakin, You're father I am" - Yoda
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" - Anakin

0100111001101001011011100110101001100001

*touchy people disclaimer*
some or all of the above comments are partially exaggerated to convey a point, none of the comments are meant as personal attacks on anyone mentioned or reference in the above post
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^ lmao


"This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) Staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their
children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those
children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

"To complain about what we do - Press 3

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack
of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of
Copenhagen:-

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the
skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the
barometer will equal the height of the building."

This answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He
appealed on the grounds that his answer was
indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to
decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer
was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To
resolve the problem it wasdecided to call the
student in and allow him six minutes in which to providea verbal answer which
showed at least a minimal familiarity with the
basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied
that he had several extremely relevant
answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it
over the edge, and measure the time it takes
to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the
formula H = 0.5g x t squared.But bad luck
on the barometer.

Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set
it on end and measure the length of its shadow.
Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a
simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work
out the height of the skyscraper.

But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece
of string to the barometer and swing it like a
pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The
height is worked out by the difference in the
gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq rroot (l / g).

Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easierto
walk up it and mark off the height of the
skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use
the barometer to measure the air pressure
on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in
millibars intofeet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and
apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the
best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would
like a nice new barometer, I will give you this
one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."


Some claim that the student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

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At a world brewing convention the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, calls to the barman:

In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next:

"In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next:

"In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real king of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward:

"Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks a million."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies: "Well, if you bunch o' pansies aren't drinkin', den neither am oi."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.