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^^
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War does not make one great.
Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 22
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--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
^^
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Hey, my emoticon worked!!! (although I had to type the symbols)
Now I can be clear when my comments are meant jokingly.
War does not make one great.
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Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said, "I don't
care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't undertand. I've had Sex
since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog
ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking
around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I
should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday...
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
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If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only premium numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL of your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98/2000/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
******* And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone.
By the way, if you are a blonde, this is a joke.
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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I want the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
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, JM, A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
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‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:-
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!!!"
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.
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Originally posted by: oojason
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said, "I don't
care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't undertand. I've had Sex
since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog
ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking
around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I
should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday...
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said, "I don't
care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't undertand. I've had Sex
since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog
ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking
around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I
should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday...
GOOD ONE, OOJASON !!!
"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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The Stellas' are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the
Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United
States.
THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:
5TH PLACE (TIED):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
toddler was Ms. Robertson's Son.
5TH PLACE (TIED):
A man, 19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500--and medical
expenses--after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award was less than sought for because the jury felt the dog might have
been a little provoked. At the time, Mr. Williams, who had climbed over
the fence into the yard, had been shooting it repeatedly with a pellet
gun.
3RD PLACE:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was
trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1ST PLACE:
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On his
trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set
the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into
the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left
the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him in the owner's manual that he could not
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago
Motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this
suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their
recreational vehicles!
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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These are 'double enente sytle' clips from council complaint letters...
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. >
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure the headaches you've had for 20 years. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new under wear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
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‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
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The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to be with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he's absolutely shattered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damn hole!"
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
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‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.
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Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the
window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both
surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two
sons, both judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United
States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons both Admirals.
***
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."
***
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his
new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman
to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him
this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank
you for your good wishes, Sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up
your telephone."
***
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
***
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French
Customs he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before,
monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans always 'ave to show your passports on arrival
in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in'44, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
...and my fave:
***
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with an ink blot test.
He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by doctors...
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for more than one year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
The patient has been depressed ever since she started seeing me in 1983
Patient was released to out patient department without dressing
I have suggested that he loosen his pants without standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully
Patient has left his white blood cells in another hospital
The patient's past medical history has been remarkabley insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airoplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up
She is numb from her toes down
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Coming from Manchester, this man has no children
Patient was alert and unresponsive
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.
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"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.
- Time
- Post link
"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
- Time
- Post link
A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.
- Time
- Post link
- Time
- Post link
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
backside and elbow syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the
door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors(Pause...) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the
man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie
down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I
come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage"
War does not make one great.