Somedays it really becomes noticeable. I sincerely empathize with anyone that finds themselves in these shoes.
Christ, fighting this stuff is physically exhausting. I feel like I’ve run a mile every work shift. I’m six days away from the psychiatrist after the previous foul-up. Frankly, unless he can can tell me that God exists or erase my memories of all the Matt Dillahunty hate-theists videos which have become my nasty obsession and cycling thoughts, I’m not sure if there’s any point. I’m sick of pills and shrinks. Why can I talk to you guys more comfortably than I can to actual people? I’m just exhausted, physically, spiritually, mentally, and every other fucking way. God, I feel broken. And I’m so fucking selfish as a result of this. And I’m scared to death about my grandfather. And I have half a shift to go.
Sorry for bitching, just wanted to vent. I just want to enjoy ANYTHING again. Life’s too short for this shit. I don’t want to think about Matt Dillahunty anymore. Or ever again. ENOUGH. FUCKING HELL. Sorry. Just wanted to get some of this out. I hope to God the drugs will help somewhat. I’m so broken.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
If you ever want to talk about the whole God/religion thing, shoot me a PM. I also went through a period of extreme doubt, including a few months of (secretly) identifying as agnostic. During that time I really dug into the meatier questions, which eventually convinced me to become fully Catholic again.
I wish I could give you a quick run-down in one forum post, but I’m afraid there’s too much to talk about for that to really help…
I was recently promoted to be the interim director of the behavioral health department of my hospital! 😮
Congrads!/Sorry!/Oh my Gosh! ?
I was recently promoted to be the interim director of the behavioral health department of my hospital! 😮
Somebody needs to ban this spambot.
Somedays it really becomes noticeable. I sincerely empathize with anyone that finds themselves in these shoes.
In this modern surveillance state, there is a bright side to invisibility.
If you ever want to talk about the whole God/religion thing, shoot me a PM. I also went through a period of extreme doubt, including a few months of (secretly) identifying as agnostic. During that time I really dug into the meatier questions, which eventually convinced me to become fully Catholic again.
I wish I could give you a quick run-down in one forum post, but I’m afraid there’s too much to talk about for that to really help…
Thanks, man. I think maybe I will soon.
Sorry for the tantrum, everybody. Just wanted to get some stuff out.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
If you ever want to talk about the whole God/religion thing, shoot me a PM. I also went through a period of extreme doubt, including a few months of (secretly) identifying as agnostic. During that time I really dug into the meatier questions, which eventually convinced me to become fully Catholic again.
I wish I could give you a quick run-down in one forum post, but I’m afraid there’s too much to talk about for that to really help…
Thanks, man. I think maybe I will soon.
Sorry for the tantrum, everybody. Just wanted to get some stuff out.
Stick with what works and if it helps to vent then you go right ahead. I fully support you.
Family dinner was nice. My brother is getting married!! He’s getting married in a church, so that triggered me and now the attacs have made me sick to my stomach so instead of thinking about my brother’s wedding I’m running over my usual atheism/Dillahunty obsession and thinning about how their wedding will be in a church and Oh God I’m so obsessive and anxious. How about being happy for your brother and his sweetheart girlfriend, you piece of shit? My mother, meanwhile “You’re going to worry yourself into an early grave” is worried about me and I’m all “Oh, she’s Catholic!” She’s doing nothing which affects me in any way, shape, form, or fashion, and I’m thinking about a Dillahunty rant about how the church is “evil and full of child molesters and fvck you for saying there’s anything good about it, it’s poison to its core!” (she’s good friends with several priests, good people all) and is a criminal organization and blah blah blah. I feel like a piece of shit. The anxiety and the compulsions are spiking up again, and they’re making me sick to my stomach. I hate myself right now.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
If your brother and his fiance are happy and excited, maybe sharing in their excitement would help focus you some. We don’t get to choose our family but we can choose our level of interaction with them based on our own place in it. Maybe spending some time visiting with them or just talking with them about their plan for the future will inspire you to reconsider which path you feel is best for you to take.
It couldn’t hurt anyways.
^ what Fo says makes a lot of sense - spending some time with them, sharing in their happiness may give you extra information, insight and empathy with the path they have chosen. And to be there for your brother in time of a big decision from him will hopefully bring you even closer together too - as well as his fiance.
Best wishes to you and your family Mike O 😃
A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…
Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com - includes info on how to ask for a fan project and how to search for projects and threads on OT•com.
A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)
Take your time to look around this site before posting… Do NOT just lazily make yet another ‘link request’ post - or a new thread asking for projects.
^ what Fo says makes a lot of sense - spending some time with them, sharing in their happiness may give you extra information, insight and empathy with the path they have chosen. And to be there for your brother in time of a big decision from him will hopefully bring you even closer together too - as well as his fiance.
Best wishes to you and your family Mike O 😃
I actually made sense? LOL Didn’t know I had it in me.
😉
Saw the new psychiatrist, finally. My doctor has an odd definition of “real nice guy.” He’s a little brittle and distant. I don’t necessarily mean that in an unpleasant, and being detached from emotions is part of his job, but it felt like I was in a movie or something; getting dry questions, having him write everything down. I know, I know, it takes multiple sessions. I was pretty disappointed not to be prescribed any new medications or dosage increases, but he did recommend some psychological. I’ll be honest, the experience wasn’t particularly pleasant or helpful, at least not yet. I know, I need to be patient, and hurting takes a long time to heal. I just wish I was a little better than I’d been before the appointment.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Saw the new psychiatrist, finally. My doctor has an odd definition of “real nice guy.” He’s a little brittle and distant. I don’t necessarily mean that in an unpleasant, and being detached from emotions is part of his job, but it felt like I was in a movie or something; getting dry questions, having him write everything down. I know, I know, it takes multiple sessions. I was pretty disappointed not to be prescribed any new medications or dosage increases, but he did recommend some psychological. I’ll be honest, the experience wasn’t particularly pleasant or helpful, at least not yet. I know, I need to be patient, and hurting takes a long time to heal. I just wish I was a little better than I’d been before the appointment.
Part of healing is participating. It is a conscious effort to do so but it’s probably not something you’d do normally which can make it difficult to start. There are some good suggestions in this thread but you have to be vigilant if you want to get better. It can be hard work but I promise you, it’s worth every moment. I am proud and happy for you, that you’ve come this far, you can overcome.
I am rooting for you Mike.
Saw the new psychiatrist, finally. My doctor has an odd definition of “real nice guy.” He’s a little brittle and distant. I don’t necessarily mean that in an unpleasant, and being detached from emotions is part of his job, but it felt like I was in a movie or something; getting dry questions, having him write everything down. I know, I know, it takes multiple sessions. I was pretty disappointed not to be prescribed any new medications or dosage increases, but he did recommend some psychological. I’ll be honest, the experience wasn’t particularly pleasant or helpful, at least not yet. I know, I need to be patient, and hurting takes a long time to heal. I just wish I was a little better than I’d been before the appointment.
Part of healing is participating. It is a conscious effort to do so but it’s probably not something you’d do normally which can make it difficult to start. There are some good suggestions in this thread but you have to be vigilant if you want to get better. It can be hard work but I promise you, it’s worth every moment. I am proud and happy for you, that you’ve come this far, you can overcome.
I am routing for you Mike.
+1
Everyone keeps telling me this, and they’re right. It just so fucking hard. I’m spending a lot of time saying I want to get better, but I’m sure not spending much in action pushing to get better? And why? Because it’s too hard. That’s not fair of me to others. And I know that. But Christ, is it fucking hard, and even the smallest steps are hard. So this kick in the ass is probably necessary. I just wish I could make SOME progress. If I did, I’d see how it was possible and feel more hopeful. But enough of my pity party. And thanks, you guys. You’re good to have around to talk to, and hopefully I haven’t been driving everyone nuts with my whining about all of this.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
You haven’t been driving anyone nuts. All you’ve done is use this thread for it’s intended purpose. There is nothing wrong with that. Hang in there and keep fighting.
Everyone keeps telling me this, and they’re right. It just so fucking hard. I’m spending a lot of time saying I want to get better, but I’m sure not spending much in action pushing to get better? And why? Because it’s too hard. That’s not fair of me to others. And I know that. But Christ, is it fucking hard, and even the smallest steps are hard. So this kick in the ass is probably necessary. I just wish I could make SOME progress. If I did, I’d see how it was possible and feel more hopeful. But enough of my pity party. And thanks, you guys. You’re good to have around to talk to, and hopefully I haven’t been driving everyone nuts with my whining about all of this.
You ARE making progress because you are STILL with us. Don’t underestimate the power or importance of survival. Without discussing it too much, I suffer something similar, and everyday is a battle. Now, I have a daughter and she is my rock, but it doesn’t win the battle. I do. I force myself to be aware and to take what measures I think will best help me fight. I am always exhausted but I am alive. I am learning to move forward and I won’t look back.
Keep coming here … we’ll be here to help you along.
😃
I managed to watch some TV. Still would like to derive more pleasure from what I do, I’m still numb to it, but at least I did. My mother has one of her oldest friends over-a couple, actually. Nice, good people.She mentioned the priest who married her and my father when they were all reminiscing, and I immediately went into an attack memory of Dillahunty: “Clergy are leeches on society! And pedophiles!” They’re talking about Easter with her (adorable) triplet grandkids, and I’m thinking “Brainwashing.” I see I still have a long way to go if I’m ever back to normal. I don’t think I ever will be, I think I’m going to have to find a way to live with this. I still kind of feel like a piece of shit during things like this. I’ve been trying. I’ve going out with my friends several times. and we’ve planned a whole day for Monday. I’ll have to see my dad’s doctor the following week. Kind of hoping he’ll raise the Abilify again. I’ll tell him the honest truth; it’s tenuously working a little. I looked up the “Neurobehavioral consultant” he’s recommenced for psychological testing; presumably that’s a fancy way of saying “psychologist.” One rather nasty review, and two pretty solid ones. I guess I’ll find out in a few weeks.God, I fucking hate my brain. Sorry, just wanted a little mind-dump. Anyway, as always, love you guys and thanks for your support.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
.
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I’m not good at giving advice – probably worse at giving comfort – but all I can say is that you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Your sexuality isn’t evil and isn’t harmful; the fundamentalist strain of Christianity you’ve been reared in is.
If you aren’t already, do some research on other strains of Christianity – moderate, progressive, and liberal. Read their blogs/literature and, if you can, correspond with mod/prog/lib Christians; learn what their interpretations of the Bible and its teachings are. Get a robust understanding of Christianity; don’t default to the fundies’ narrow POV.
There’s no way God could create someone who is attracted to the opposite sex, and them send them to hell for it. It just doesn’t make sense, and it’d be incredibly sadistic. It certainly sounds to me like you’re bi, so at least you can still have a romantic relationship with a girl, and not have to just pretend to like girls for your parents’ sake or get in a fight with them over liking guys (unless, of course, you do want them to know at some point, which is fine too)…
Long story ahead. I may fall asleep soon after posting it, so if anyone replies, I may not see it for a while. Not that anyone should really pay attention to the ramblings of a random teenager, but… idk. Whatever. Here goes…
This story begins about two weeks ago when I went to a sort of camp thing for a few days. It was fun and all and things were going well, and suddenly things got even better for me. I met a girl who actually seemed to enjoy my company. Hell, at one point she even seemed to get adorably giddy to see me. We talked for a long time and she actually seemed like she enjoyed talking to me. ‘Holy ****, she might actually like me!’ I thought. It was a first. Suddenly, I began to delude myself into thinking I was completely straight, and so that night I was happy, happier than I’d been in a long time.
The next night was a “dance,” a raucous affair that I didn’t want any part of. For the most part, it was miserable. I stood around anxiously hoping to not be noticed by anyone (except her) and stared into the colorful lights (which in a strange way was somewhat calming, even if undoubtedly bad for my eyes). Eventually, the girl found me and we spent most of the night sitting against the wall in the back and talking, but it was getting late and my anxiety kicked in hard as usual, so I kept asking her if I was bothering her, but she kept insisting that I wasn’t. Then, my hopes jumped up way too high and I stuttered out a stupid question. Upon my asking, she sighed and admitted that she had a boyfriend. She did give me her phone number though, which is more than anyone ever has before really.
Anyway, the camp ends and we part ways. We text each other for a while but eventually I realize that she in fact did not purge my faggotry and I’m still bi at best, but then I felt guilty. I felt like I was somehow lying to her, or to myself, or to someone. I haven’t texted her in a few days because I figured it was pointless to make myself feel even more miserable. So now it’s all back; the intense fear of God, the feeling that I’m some kind of fraud, the suicidal thoughts accompanied by the fear that I’d go to hell, so killing myself would make things worse. Last night it was really bad and I couldn’t bear it, so I just dumped it all on a friend of mine late at night (having no prior knowledge of my faggotry, but he seemed pretty chill about it). It made me feel a little better, but I still have no idea what to do about any of it. There’s no way I could tell my parents about any of this lest they expidiate my inevitable trip to hell, and any time I try to talk to my mom about any of my other problems it doesn’t go well (like a month or so ago when I brought up the frequent beatings I took in middle school locker rooms a few years back and she denied ever knowing about it despite me having brought it up several times). I can’t tell my father any of my problems lest he become even more disappointed in me. I’m still not the Super Star Athlete Son™ he always wanted and I have nothing but contempt for mindless, barbaric athletic competition. He treats that as a personal failing on his part so he continually forces me to partake in mindless, barbaric athletic competition. If I told him any of my problems, he’d probably treat those as woeful failings of his as a parent and as a person, and he’s so fundamentalist that I wouldn’t be surprised if he took me to he edge of town and stoned me if he found out about my faggotry.I don’t even know what I’m trying to say at this point. I’m just tired of feeling guilty any time I have any kind of affection for anyone, tired of being a lousy son, tired of wanting to die and being too afraid to, tired of being afraid of God, and just tired in general.
Feel free to ignore this post, I’m a mess and I just needed to vent.
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