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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 21

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Very funny, and beautifully animated I must say... looked like a Klasky-Csupo version of "Furi Kuri"...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Why is it so quiet here?
This post is dedicated to my old friend: PSYCHO_DAYV


Who's that riding in the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

He sleeps with a gun but he loves his son
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton
He's Psycho Dad

A little touched or so we're told
Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold
Might as well she was getting old
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad

He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done
He's Psycho Dad

Who's that riding in the sleigh?
Who's that firing along the way?
Who's roughing up bums on Christmas day?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

Who's that riding across the plain?
Who's proud 'cause his wife is slain?
Who's the man who's plumb insane?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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That's great, RRS. Where you been?

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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Two women are walking home after a girlie night out.

They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state, they find themselves desperate for a wee.

At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon.

'Just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.

Their task completed the women continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second - " We need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll never forget you - From all the lads at the Fire Station"

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Originally posted by: GundarkHunter
That's great, RRS. Where you been?

Well... I'm recently too consumed by my "labor of love" (read: will I ever gonna get my cash for it? LOL) - an aviation related project (old warbirds etc.). It started "innocent" as add-on for a PC flight simulator, but as my research goes on, I may end up in arranging an exhibit loan from British museum...

* * *

Another joke in the mood of the one posted by oojason:

A husband returns home way too late and in "not so perfect condition.. hic!". His loving and naive wife helps him to undress and go to bed:
- Oh honey... there is some red lipstick on your collar... so you remembered to take those samples for me... oh, you're so sweet...
- Oh my poor thing... your back is scratched! I'll bet you took that short cut through the bushes to be back home as soon as possible...
...suddenly she discovers that he is wearing... lacy, sexy panties! She is speechless and gapes at him in shock... understanding this awkward moment he mumbles:
- C'mon honey... think hard... focus... improvise...
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
******
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
******
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
******
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
******
Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
******
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
******
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes;
Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
******
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.
******
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
******
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
******
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."
******
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
"May the force be with you!"
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Be aware that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'.

The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Ace Pilot

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high
aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot
camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base.

All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately
to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Japanese Zero's. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more Japanese
plans and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier
and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy ,
climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.

Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!!"
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A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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An oldie, but a good 'un...



Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter has the unenviable task of deciding which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's a particular reason why she should be favoured over HRH, whereupon she takes off her blouse, undoes her bra and releases her enormous breasts.

"Look at these" Dolly says proudly, "they're the most perfect breasts that God ever created for a woman, so I should be the one to enter heaven."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into the toilet, and pulls the lever.

St. Peter bows slightly and says in a quiet voice, "OK, your Majesty, you may enter."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What the h*ll was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles, spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush always beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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Originally posted by: RRS-1980
Why is it so quiet here?
This post is dedicated to my old friend: PSYCHO_DAYV


Who's that riding in the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

He sleeps with a gun but he loves his son
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton
He's Psycho Dad

A little touched or so we're told
Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold
Might as well she was getting old
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad

He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done
He's Psycho Dad

Who's that riding in the sleigh?
Who's that firing along the way?
Who's roughing up bums on Christmas day?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

Who's that riding across the plain?
Who's proud 'cause his wife is slain?
Who's the man who's plumb insane?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad


WOW, SOMEBODY WROTE A SONG ABOUT ME.

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide

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30 things your girfriend will never say (but you wish she would)


1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper, too! I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

5. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

9. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

10. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

11. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

12. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly guy!

15. You are so much smarter than my father.

16. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

17. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

19. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

20. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

21. Let's subscribe to Hustler, my treat.

22. I'll be out painting the house.

23. I love it when you ride your muscle car; I just wish you had more time to ride.

24. Honey, our new neighbor's 18-year-old daughter is sunbathing in the nude again, come see!

25. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

26. Your mother is way better than mine.

27. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

28. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you take time off to relax?

29. You need your sleep, you big silly guy, now stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.

30. Look! My ass is fatter than yours!

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

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Circle Flies

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy
feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out
the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are
ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law
enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."
"May the force be with you!"
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I heard that on the opening day of Disneyland Paris, when the fireworks went off, everyone in the general vicinity raised their arms in surrender.

http://i.imgur.com/7N84TM8.jpg

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Doug Benson:

"I just got TiVo a few weeks ago, and it's amazing because it'll record stuff without you even telling it to, it just figures out what you like and then records it for you. Well, the other day I came home, and it had recorded "Touched by and Angel". Then I slowly realized that it had figured out that I like crap...

Which reminds me, I was on the toilet for SO long the other day....that eventually I said "I'm getting too old for THIS shit."

I used to have a pet dingo, but then the most ironic thing happened: a baby ate my dingo.

You know, in Seattle they have a saying: If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes, and then shoot yourself in the face."

http://i.imgur.com/7N84TM8.jpg

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Originally posted by: oojason

24. Honey, our new neighbor's 18-year-old daughter is sunbathing in the nude again, come see!


I heard that one before.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
Why Anakin really turned to the dark side:
"Anakin, You're father I am" - Yoda
"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!" - Anakin

0100111001101001011011100110101001100001

*touchy people disclaimer*
some or all of the above comments are partially exaggerated to convey a point, none of the comments are meant as personal attacks on anyone mentioned or reference in the above post
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Originally posted by: RRS-1980
Why is it so quiet here?
This post is dedicated to my old friend: PSYCHO_DAYV


Who's that riding in the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

He sleeps with a gun but he loves his son
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton
He's Psycho Dad

A little touched or so we're told
Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold
Might as well she was getting old
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad

He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done
He's Psycho Dad

Who's that riding in the sleigh?
Who's that firing along the way?
Who's roughing up bums on Christmas day?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

Who's that riding across the plain?
Who's proud 'cause his wife is slain?
Who's the man who's plumb insane?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad


THANK YOU , RRS.

"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide

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Man who walks in front of car gets tired.
Man who walks behing car gets exhausted.

War does not make one great.

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Football Analysis By A Blonde

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
"May the force be with you!"
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, pulls back the trigger, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
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… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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My comic instincts tell me this joke would be funnier if a foreign language interpreter was used instead of a hand-sign one. Perhaps an italian one, in order to keep the whole italian-mobster cliche working for the joke.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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The Italian Tomato Garden...


An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able

to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love ,

Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning,

Special Agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

A little patience goes a long way on this old-school Rebel base. If you are having issues finding what you are looking for, these will be of some help…

Welcome to the OriginalTrilogy.com | Introduce yourself in here | Useful info within : About : Help : Site Rules : Fan Project Rules : Announcements
‘How do I do this?’ on the OriginalTrilogy.com; some info & answers + FAQs - includes info on how to search for projects and threads on the OT•com

A Project Index for Star Wars Preservations (Harmy’s Despecialized & 4K77/80/83 etc) : A Project Index for Star Wars Fan Edits (adywan & Hal 9000 etc)

… and take your time to look around this site before posting - to get a feel for this place. Don’t just lazily make yet another thread asking for projects.

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Here's one I heard awhile ago:

A man gets pulled over for speeding, and when the cop comes to his car he begins begging the cop not to write him the ticket and let him off with a warning.
The cop smiles and says, "Alright, I'll give you a test. If you get a question right, I'll let you off. Here's the question: you see two lights coming down the road. What is it?"
The man responds, "It's a car!"
"Yeah, I know, but is it a Honda, a Ford, or an Audi?"
"I don't know... Give me another chance, please?"
"Alright. You see one light coming down the road, what is it?"
"A motorcycle."
"Yeah, but is it a Suzuki, a BMW, or a Harley?"
"I don't know..."
"Then I have no choice..."
The cop starts to write the ticket, and the man stares for a moment, thinking, then turns to the cop and asks him, "Hey, I got a question for you. You see a girl walking down the side of the road wearing a mini-skirt, a low-cut shirt, and a ton of makeup, who is it?"
The cop responds, "A prostitute."
"Yeah, I know, but is it your wife, your sister, or your daughter?"