My five-year-old son told me what he believes to be the plot of A New Hope, so I wrote it down as he was telling me. For context, he has never seen A New Hope.
A NEW HOPE
A pair of bounty hunters named Jango and Boba Fett destroyed a couple of boxes of lightsabers and stole some of them, including Qui-Gon Jinn’s. The Jedi Council sent Anakin and Obi-Wan to track them down, and to figure out who was behind the theft.
Anakin went to buy “a little gun” from the shops, so he could camouflage himself and sneak up on the bounty hunter and then shoot him. While camouflaged, Anakin and Obi-Wan could see each other, but all anyone else could see were two pairs of eyes floating in the air. Boba Fett saw the eyes, but the Jedi tickled both bounty hunters to incapacitate them. Then they flew off in their ships to the Death Star, to bring Boba and Jango Fett to Chancellor Palpatine.
On the Death Star, Boba Fett escaped using his rockets before the Chancellor’s ship could arrive. But he collided with the Chancellor’s ship in midair and they both crashed to the planet below, a sandy planet named White Basket. Palpatine’s ship sank into the sand, and Boba was eaten by a pair of lava monsters. Jango Fett also escaped; he flew into space and accidentally flew into a different story called “Tickle Monster”, written by someone named Odger Kaijoll.
Meanwhile, two Jedi named Bob and Jee arrived on White Basket, where they got stuck in the sand too. Bob was a giant beetle, and Jee was a giant cicada; they both used their extra limbs to hold more lightsabers. They cut their way out of the sand with their lightsabers, where they found Palpatine’s ship had sunk down into another story by Odger Kaijoll, called “Jar Jar Jadgie”.
In “Jar Jar Jadgie”, alternate versions of Bob and Jee were escaping from a watertower on the planet Booboo. They flew down to the bottom of a giant sinkhole, where the two different stories converged. They ran into the Bob and Jee from our story, and asked why they weren’t defeating the Emperor at the moment.
“You will lose… when you are defeated,” Palpatine hissed at Bob and Jee, his true identity now exposed.
He defeated all four of them and went to escape back to the main story, but found he was now stuck on Booboo because too much sand had piled up against the ship’s door, and the sand squealing underfoot sounded too unpleasant for him to approach it while wearing his gumboots.
Anakin and Obi-Wan arrived to rescue him. They jumped high enough to cut a hole in the roof of the ship, but Palpatine was too hot and he fainted. All three of them flew back to the main story, where Palpatine was immediately kidnapped by Moogarn, a Jedi woman.
As a result, Anakin and Obi-Wan must now attack the Darth Maul Death Star, a Death Star coloured like Darth Maul, where Moogarn had taken Palpatine. It was shaped like a toilet and they had to throw a rock down the u-bend to blow it up. They rescued Chancellor Palpatine and went to the Second Darth Maul Death Star, which was also another toilet. They had to throw two rocks down the u-bend, and race their starships away from the ensuing explosion.
Back on the regular Death Star, Anakin and Obi-Wan realised Palpatine was actually Darth Sidious when they noticed he had Qui-Gon’s stolen lightsaber. They used their camouflage to sneak up on him; Anakin tickled him, and Obi-Wan dropped a cage on top of him. They confiscated his stolen lightsaber.
Bob and Jee returned, having actually escaped from Palpatine in “Jar Jar Jadgie”, and proceeded to sting Obi-Wan and Anakin, making them immune to the coronavirus. They then sing a song called “Sting The People,” as they fly around the Galaxy stinging everybody.
My friend read this and made the following:
UPDATE: He has now told me the plot of The Empire Strikes Back, which he has also never seen.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Crobot, a Jedi master who is half crab and half robot, is disarmed by a mystery Sith assassin on Hoth. This unsettling event prompts the Jedi Council, who live on the Death Star, to send their Jedi to search for any other Jedi scattered across the galaxy to help them. Obi-Wan is told to go and get Anakin from Mustafar, after first checking that Darth Sidious is still safely imprisoned.
Darth Sidious is still held captive in the cage on the Death Star, but when Obi-Wan goes to check on him, he steals Obi-Wan’s lightsaber and escapes. Obi-Wan grabs a Sith lightsaber that was confiscated and fights him, but Darth Sidious cuts the end off the lightsaber and the blade spills everywhere. Darth Maul appears and announces that he is Darth Sidious’ new apprentice, and the two escape together.
In response to this, the Jedi Council hires a bounty hunter named Sebel Dave to find an ancient magic lightsaber, to help them fight Maul and Sidious. Sebel Dave wears a pink and beige outfit with a purple cloak, and Boba Fett’s old helmet. He sets off to locate the magic lightsaber.
Bob and Jee, who are a giant beetle and a giant cicada, are a pair of Jedi. Jee, however, can run faster than Bob. The two are on Dagobah, fighting all the bats there, when they receive their orders from the Jedi Council. Jee is told to look for Yoda, while Bob is told to change stories to Episode I: The Phantom Menace to find out how Maul survived his fall. Bob gets into his ship and flies to that story instead.
“Bye bye, world!” Bob announces, and taps his watch with his lightsaber to be sent to the different story.
Anakin is on Mustafar, with a small fairy that flies after him. She’s been assigned to him by the Jedi Council to rein him in, but he doesn’t listen to her. She surprises him all the time because he forgets she’s there and it makes him jump, which he doesn’t like. He puts on a pair of crocs to protect his feet and goes outside, to retrieve a Water Potion that will turn all of the lava on Mustafar into rock when splashed on it.
Crobot is sent by the Jedi Council to find a Jedi who is a regular-sized ant. The ant Jedi is also named Mustafar, which he goes by because he’s embarrassed by his real name, which is McFoofart.
Jee finally gets all the bats on Dagobah, and starts looking for Yoda. When he is unable to find him in his hut or any of his hiding spots, he checks all the way back through the other stories for him, eventually checking all the way back to The Phantom Menace where he meets up with Bob.
Back on Mustafar, Anakin has become so annoyed with the fairy that he has fallen to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan arrives to bring him back to the Jedi Council, and the two friends start fighting with their lightsabers.
Sebel Dave goes to the wreckage of the Darth Maul Death Star, in search of the magic lightsaber. It was lost one hundred years ago, and is considered the most powerful lightsaber of all time. Sebel Dave finds it on the floor because one hundred years ago someone put it down on the ground and forgot. When you point it at someone it fires bullets like a machine gun. Sebel Dave puts it in his pocket, but the lightsaber activates accidentally and starts firing machine gun bullets and makes a lot of little holes in his pocket.
Anakin and Obi-Wan fight across the rocks that used to be lava. They disarm each other and their lightsabers bounce away, forcing Anakin to fight with a flute and Obi-Wan with a guitar. They stop fighting and start playing a song called “The First Death Star (Paw Paw)” together. There is a tense moment when Obi-Wan loses his guitar, and Anakin slips back towards the Dark Side while Obi-Wan spins in a circle looking for it, but he sees it on the ground and pulls it back to him with the Force and the song continues.
Crobot arrives at the Death Star with Mustafar/McFoofart, Jee arrives with Yoda, and Obi-Wan arrives with Anakin and the fairy. Bob arrives and explains that Darth Maul escaped the ending of Episode I: The Phantom Menace and was the mysterious Sith assassin who attacked Crobot on Hoth. Crobot says he has an announcement to make, so all of the Jedi go into the Death Star’s concert hall and sit in front of the stage to listen.
Crobot locks the doors and reveals he is actually Darth Sidious in disguise. He had the real Crobot held captive the whole time, and it was all a trap to get the Jedi in one place at the same time. He attacks them all, with Darth Maul’s help.
Darth Sidious and Darth Maul are too powerful, and the Jedi are losing. Just when things look completely hopeless, Sebel Dave arrives with the real Crobot. Sebel Dave steals Darth Maul’s lightsaber and the blades change to blue, allowing him to join the fight alongside the Jedi. Crobot takes the magic lightsaber and uses it to shoot Darth Sidious with machine gun bullets.
Darth Sidious is defeated, but Darth Maul escapes again, vowing vengeance on the Jedi. Everyone turns into Lego. The End.
UPDATE: Now we have the complete trilogy.
RETURN OF THE JEDI
Darth Sidious has secretly survived and hidden himself on the Death Star. He builds a third Darth Maul Death Star next to it from Lego. Darth Maul is on the Lego Darth Maul Death Star, but he has no ship to get to Darth Sidious on the regular Death Star, so Darth Sidious uses the Force to pull the Lego Darth Maul Death Star towards the Death Star and builds a bridge between the two.
“Yes, I have my space suit on, so I’m ready to go to the next Death Star,” says Darth Maul. “I’m a sneaky man!”
On the planet Mustafar, Anakin gets frozen in carbonite by the evil Queen of Darkness, and loses the ability to use the Force. The Queen of Darkness is even badder than Darth Sidious, and must be hit one million two hundred thousand one hundred times in a day to be defeated.
Sebel Dave has taken the magic lightsaber to an ocean planet to hide it, but he falls asleep in the water and someone knocks it out of his hand.
“Goodbye, chunkies!” says Sebel Dave as he sinks beneath the waves.
Meanwhile, Jee is missing. Bob and McFoofart are looking for him. They split up to search, Bob flying off to check a jungle planet and McFoofart traveling into the future.
Darth Maul and Darth Sidious begin collecting every bad guy from across all of time to make an unstoppable army. They search for bad guys all the way to the planet Earth.
“A new world never seen before!” hisses Darth Sidious.
They hear a whistling sound and look over to see a tiny ant like McFoofart, laying with his hands on his hips and whistling at them. His name is McGoocoogoogoo, and he agrees to help them collect all the bad guys since the beginning of time.
In the future, McFoofart finds the Death Star abandoned, to his confusion. He peeks up a ladder, but because he is the size of an ant, he has to jump between the rungs.
“Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!” he says, twenty times. “Finally, I’m up!”
He reaches the top of the ladder and does a double backflip that lasts thirty seconds.
The ladder goes all the way out of the top of the Death Star. From the top of the ladder, McFoofart is shocked to see that almost all of the planets in the Galaxy are gone.
He puts on a tiny spacesuit and swims through space to the Lego Darth Maul Death Star, where he finds a baby named Anita Bubu. McFoofart realises that Anita Bubu accidentally switched off the power to the Death Star, and bad guys got in and shot all the Jedi, and that’s why it was abandoned.
On the jungle planet of Jinglebell, Bob meets a bird Jedi. She asks him to describe McFoofart.
“He is as small as… a tiny person who is the size of an ant,” Bob answers.
The bird Jedi only agrees to help if Bob can guess her name.
“It’s Mulu,” says Bob, and he’s right, so Mulu flies around in circles looking for Jee.
Back on Mustafar, Anakin is close to the lava and he defrosts. Obi-Wan arrives with a magic wand.
“Anakin, you must go to the Unworld,” he explains. “It’s the opposite of a planet, for everybody who has died.”
Anakin jumps in the lava and dies to get to Unworld.
McFoofart returns to the present with Anita Bubu. He meets up with Bob and Mulu, and they find Jee on the grease planet Utapau. It turns out that Jee was missing because when he and Bob were on Utapau together, Jee got lost. Bob had thought Jee had gone to Mustafar, and left without him, saying “Bye bye, planet!” as he flew away.
Jee is covered in grease from Utapau, and slips over and goes bump-bump on his bottom. Bob and McFoofart laugh, but they also slip on the grease, and go bump-bump on their bottoms too.
“Well, I guess that’s what I get for being a little ant person Jedi,” says McFoofart.
Sebel Dave swims out of the water, and lands on a beach with bricks instead of sand.
“Whuh-oh!” he yells, and rolls out of the way on an oncoming car.
A wall starts vibrating where no story was happening before, and Crobot – who can travel at 25 million runs per time – jumps out. They find the mural that Bob and Jee originally came to life from, and discover that’s where the baby Anita Bubu also came from.
Bob and Jee travel to Earth, but they don’t like it because there are too many cars and they worry about getting run over. They leave.
Anakin and Obi-Wan arrive at the anti-planet Unworld and round up all the Jedi who have ever died. To escape, Anakin plans to pour Water Potion on the lava to make steps out. But instead of Water Potion, it’s accidentally fire, and he burns down the whole planet.
“We have to go to a different planet!” says Obi-Wan hurriedly.
They return to Mustafar, where Obi-Wan finds a very old straw sombrero. He puts it on and declares himself to be the Hat Jedi.
Bob and Jee return to the Death Star with their friends, but they see the Lego Darth Maul Death Star and go inside. They catch an elevator to the top level.
“I don’t think this is the right place,” says Bob.
They go back down again. McFoofart changes into his good outfit.
They catch the right elevator and find Darth Sidious and Darth Maul. Bob, Jee, McFoofart, Mulu, Crobot, Sebel Dave, and Link from The Legend of Zelda team up to fight them and protect Anita Bubu.
Jee throws a ring that hits Darth Sidious and Darth Maul and knocks them both over.
“Arrgg! That wasn’t a good thing!” says Darth Sidious.
Jee throws it again and again and knocks them over every single time.
“Ah, that’s not good for our backs!” says Darth Maul.
Darth Maul starts complaining because his lower back hurts so much. The ring hits Darth Sidious’ foot and he trips over and bangs his nose. He has to go to the bad guy hospital, and Darth Maul takes over as Darth Sidious.
“Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh!” complains Darth Maul. “Actually, that’s quite a good thing.”
Anakin and Obi-Wan jump into the bad guy hospital and slice Darth Maul in half.
“You’re quite stupid, your bottomness,” Obi-Wan taunts Darth Sidious.
They use the Bad Guy Force to take Anakin’s Force back from Darth Sidious. Obi-Wan gives Anakin the ring, and Anakin throws it at Darth Sidious, who dies.
McFoofart almost falls over, but doesn’t.
The army of past Jedi fight the entire bad guy army, including the Queen of Darkness, and force them all back into the Lego Darth Maul Death Star. They lock them in, and the door closes on the Queen of Darkness’ hips. They spin the Lego Darth Maul Death Star around really fast until it blows up with all of the bad guys inside.
The baby Anita Bubu coos and gurgles through the entire battle, then says, “goo goo bah bah go to the igloo found right on the snowy planet.”
They all go to Hoth and she sings a song called ‘Macluekoo (Go to the Fight)’, which goes like this:
“Go to the igloo, go to the snowy planet,
Break up the ice wall, break it into rectangles,
Break it into rectangles, the ice into rectangles,
Then build them up, build them up,
Build them up, build them up,
Stack them up into a dome shape,
Build them up, build them up,
Build them up, build them up,
Stack them up into a dome shape,
Then talk in the igloo.”
They all go inside the cozy igloo and celebrate because it’s Bob’s birthday, Jee’s birthday, and Obi-Wan’s birthday. Bob is 81, Jee is 61, and Obi-Wan is 109.
“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas
The Rise of Skywalker Expanded Edition by Rae Carson: The Faraday Edit, Revenge of the Sith: The Faraday Nudge, ROTS Ultracut: Order 66, The Light Rises, Faraday Junior’s Star Wars