Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace — Page 17

EddieDean said:

Firstly, that initial transition. I agree that ideally you’d open on the Jedi going underwater, but this being Star Wars, we really should begin in space. We could follow the ambassador’s ship (now just anyone’s ship) into the Trade Federation ship, but then we should really have some scene on the ship itself, perhaps implying that the two Neimoidians have just arrived to oversee the situation. The invasion trigger shouldn’t happen until after the Gungan negotiations, but there is one scene of the two Neimoidians walking (away from the monitor) which might be usable with a zoomed shot and some alternate lines.

Secondly, context. Whatever the first scene with the Jedi is, it needs to carry some of the exposition we’d otherwise cut, setting them up as negotiators and mystics. I’ve had a bit of a play with this on top of Peter Pan’s ideas but haven’t finalised my thoughts yet, and you can’t do too much voice work without it becoming “fan-edity”. And while we don’t need the underwater fish stuff, some of the dialogue on the bongo can be a bit useful in emphasising what the Force is (“The force will guide us”, “maxi big the force.”)

Maybe use the original opening shot with the ambassadors ship going past the blockade and use the „I have a bad feeling about this“ scene, but replace the lines about the negotiations with the Federation with some remark about them already filling their supplies with war machinery. Ideally I‘d like to characterize the Federation as vultures that observe the situation from above, waiting for their turn to cannibalize upon the situation, but I can’t think of a good line that works in this context.

EddieDean said:

It’d also be nice to have them account for the failiure of the negotiations - probably using the line “Well you were right about one thing master; the negotiations were short.” But again you’re wrestling with voice lines there.

Maybe we could add the bongo speeding away from otoh gunga? Shouldn’t be too hard to find a shot of Obi-Wan talking in the bongo that fits his mouth movement closely enough for an edit.

I think it’d be great to have an edit that just has the gungans speak in an alien language instead. Their speech is just so annoying and hard to understand. And besides when you have them have an alien language and then subtitle them you can make them say whatever you want.

The problem with that is that Jar Jar also appears in AOTC, ROTS, and TCW, which adds some burden if you’re looking to cover all your bases, and it also means that a viewer of such a TPM edit is left with less choice of fanedits for the other prequel movies.

EddieDean said:

The problem with that is that Jar Jar also appears in AOTC, ROTS, and TCW, which adds some burden if you’re looking to cover all your bases, and it also means that a viewer of such a TPM edit is left with less choice of fanedits for the other prequel movies.

Ideally you’d have AOTC and ROTS edits that do the same thing.

SpenceEdit said:

G&G-Fan said:

I think it’d be great to have an edit that just has the gungans speak in an alien language instead. Their speech is just so annoying and hard to understand. And besides when you have them have an alien language and then subtitle them you can make them say whatever you want.

Is there a language that the movie has been dubbed in that isn’t immediately identifiable? Because that could work. But if they obviously are speaking Russian or French it kind of falls apart.

What did the Anti-Cheese Edit do and how was that achieved? I haven’t watched that fanedit since like 2015 but I remember it redubbing Jar Jar really well somehow.

I’ve no idea why I came back to this today, but I’ve been mulling over TPM again recently and decided to take another crack at the crawl.

The earlier version had a little too much exposition, and a bit too much complex language. It also hinged on a few experiments for changes I had wanted to try which ultimately didn’t work out - so this version could now serve as an alternative for an unedited movie. I wanted this to work as your very first (chronological) Star Wars crawl, your introduction to the franchise, and set up the galaxy for some of the plot points which will happen in later movies. I also tried to emphasise the elements which pay off in this movie, and cut out a few things which were covered by dialogue in the first few scenes.

The galaxy is growing unstable. As the
Galactic Republic’s protection of its
planets diminishes, QUEEN AMIDALA of
Naboo stands as a vocal champion against
corruption.

Sensing an opportunity, the greedy TRADE
FEDERATION have sent a mighty warship
to her home world, in an attempt to
make her appear weak.

The Jedi Order, mystical defenders of
the Republic, have dispatched Jedi Knight
QUI-GON JINN and his apprentice to
maintain the peace and protect the Queen.

I feel like planetary protection should be ‘diminishing’ which is neither too hot nor too cold, and I also don’t want to overtly call the Republic corrupt, but I’d still like to show that both of those things are happening (because it’s the best reason for the Trade Federation wanting to silence her), while also avoiding the words ‘bureaucracy’ or ‘complacency’ because they are boring.

The weakest part of this is “in an attempt to make her appear weak”. I’m trying to convey that they’re wanting to silence her voice or reduce her political power, but I don’t want to use the word ‘voice’ as I think the phrase ‘vocal champion’ carries a lot of weight, and I think mentioning the word ‘politics’ is only going to remind people that they don’t like all the politics in the prequel trilogy. Perhaps “in a direct challenge to her growing power”, or “to challenge her growing popularity”, or “in a direct challenge to the threat she poses”? But we also need to contend with the idea that keeps coming up in the plot, that somehow they can get her to “sign a treaty” which makes this all OK? Perhaps “in an attempt to force her submission”? “In an attempt to force her to sign a treaty of submission” feels too fanedity.

We need more exciting action words!

It is the end of a golden age. The Galactic Republic, once under the wise rule of the Senate, has been engulfed in corruption.

While their allies in congress turn a blind eye, the greedy Trade Federation seeks to exploit the wealthy planet of Naboo with a blockade of deadly warships.

Fearing for the safety of her people, the newly-elected Queen Amidala has requested the aid of the legendary Jedi Knights, hoping that they will restore peace and justice to her kingdom….

This is a wonderful crawl. But if I may…

A golden age has ended. The senate of the Galactic Republic, once a beacon of democracy, has fallen into a state of corruption and decay.

Seeking to profit from this corruption, the greedy Trade Federation has surrounded the prosperous world of Naboo with a blockade of deadly warships.

Fearing for the safety of her people, the newly-elected Queen Amidala has requested the aid of the legendary Jedi Knights, hoping that they will restore peace and justice to her kingdom….

Or to take some of both crawls:

A golden age is ending. The Galactic Republic, under the faltering leadership of Chancellor Valorum, has been corrupted by agents of the Trade Federation.

With the Senate under their control, the greedy Trade Federation has surrounded the peaceful world of Naboo, home to Valorum’s last remaining ally, with a blockade of deadly warships.

Fearing for the safety of her people, the newly-elected Queen Amidala has requested that Valorum send his greatest ambassadors to restore peace and justice to her kingdom…

Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to tie the conflict over Naboo into something bigger without getting into the actual Palpatine takeover plot. It’s a shame that Valorum isn’t more prominent in the story since he’s really the last thing remaining between the villains and their goal, but bringing him in does feel like a bit of a red herring.

I think Eddie has a point that there needs to be some reason why Naboo is important, rather than just a small-scale victim of the Republic’s failures, but I don’t think anyone’s cracked that yet.

I really like Nev’s second paragraph (in his first version) and RogueLeader’s third. Having Padmé call on the Jedi streamlines things. I still think she should be mentioned as part of the solution to the Republic’s complacency though, tying her back to the idea that she’s this movie’s Death Star plans, which gives the plot a very clear macguffin.

A golden age is ending.
As corruption spreads in the
Galactic Republic, Queen Amidala
of Naboo stands as a vocal
champion of democracy.

Sensing an opportunity for
profit and power, the greedy
Trade Federation has surrounded
her prosperous homeworld with
a blockade of deadly warships.

At the Queen’s request, the
mystical Jedi Knights have
dispatched Qui-Gon Jinn and his
apprentice to the planet,
seeking to preserve the peace
and ensure the safety of her
people…

I feel like these are key points worth achieving in the crawl:

• Setting: A galaxy, whose dominant power is a Galactic Republic and which features ‘mystical’ peace-preserving Jedi. (‘Legendary’ is good but for an introduction to the franchise I think we need to make it clear that the Jedi are magical.)
• Context for setting / broad stakes: Galactic golden age is ending, because democracy is declining, and corruption is growing.
• Macguffin: Queen Amidala resists this decline. (This cements her as of interest to all parties.)
• Triggering events: Trade Federation presence, Queen’s request for aid. (Gives Queen more agency and character. Valorum and the structure of the Republic aren’t important enough to the actual plot we see onscreen to be mentioned. The pace we’re fed this information in the movie is more comfortable.)
• Tangible threat: Blockade/warships. (Which will be defeated at the end to resolve the plot.)
• Humanised stakes / motivation for goodies: Safety of Naboo’s people. (Also serves to emphasise a key element otherwise only lightly touched on.)
• Protagonist / agent of change: Qui-Gon Jinn. (Named because he isn’t named early in the movie, whereas Obi-Wan should not be named so as to not draw attention from Qui-Gon, and because he is far more passive in this movie.)

As for the Trade Federation’s motivations, which were never super clear, you at least have Naboo’s prosperity matched to the Trade Federation seeking profit, which is more explicit, and then more implicitly you can link them seeking power to the fact that the Queen has been linked to anti-corruption. But they’re at least all interesting words this way. Mentioning their opportunism also goes some way to implying that they’re possibly overreaching, which can serve to explain some of their worries about whether or not they’re going to get away with this, and why it escalates.

Looking at the other official crawls, they do like their exciting language. So you could maybe have the Queen’s request be “urgent” and/or the Jedi being dispatched “swiftly” or “urgently”. You could also do something to imply the Trade Federation have arrived in a “stunning” or “bold” fashion. So here’s an example adding a bit more fruit to the language. (I’m also not quite sold on painting the Republic’s history as a golden age, so trying something I feel is a little tighter and more exciting.)

The Galactic Republic is failing.
As corruption spreads, Queen
Amidala of Naboo stands as a
vocal champion of democracy.

Sensing an opportunity to sieze
profit and power, the greedy
Trade Federation has boldly
surrounded her wealthy home
planet with a fleet of deadly
warships.

At the Queen’s urgent request,
the mystical Jedi Knights have
swiftly dispatched Qui-Gon Jinn
and his apprentice to the planet,
seeking to protect the peace
and ensure the safety of her
people…

EddieDean said:

Looking at the other official crawls, they do like their exciting language. So you could maybe have the Queen’s request be “urgent” and/or the Jedi being dispatched “swiftly” or “urgently”. You could also do something to imply the Trade Federation have arrived in a “stunning” or “bold” fashion. So here’s an example adding a bit more fruit to the language. (I’m also not quite sold on painting the Republic’s history as a golden age, so trying something I feel is a little tighter and more exciting.)

The Galactic Republic is failing.
As corruption spreads, Queen
Amidala of Naboo stands as a
vocal champion of democracy.

Sensing an opportunity to sieze
profit and power, the greedy
Trade Federation has boldly
surrounded her wealthy home
planet with a fleet of deadly
warships.

At the Queen’s urgent request,
the mystical Jedi Knights have
swiftly dispatched Qui-Gon Jinn
and his apprentice to the planet,
seeking to protect the peace
and ensure the safety of her
people…

The one issue I have with this is that the film keeps reminding us that Chancellor Valorum sent out the two jedi, not the Jedi knights (even though I like the idea of the Jedi sending them out more). I know this because I tried to get rid of that connection myself, and couldn’t, because there were too many mentions and lines to cut out.

I really love opening with “A golden age is ending.” It perfectly sums up the entire tone and background noise of the trilogy right from the start in a very evocative way; it puts all the events that follow into a much more interesting context. Succinct, evocative, poetry.

I also personally like ending with the Jedi restoring peace to Amidala’s “kingdom,” because I like the fairy-tale evocation, though I agree there are good reasons to go with other third paragraphs.

So, confined to my bed by illness, I thought about this movie again. Precisely I once again though about splitting up Amidala’s role, making Padmé and the Queen two separate people. To convincingly achieve this, I would age the Queen up considerably with a deep fake and remove her double from the final battle. Additionally I would record new dialogue for her and maybe something new for Gunray as well.

At this point it should be noted that though my train of though started with an edit, which I myself could actually make, it quickly shot off to the distant lands of the unfeasible. At least without a lot of help.

So, back to the meat. These changes would allow to alter the narrative substantially. In this version, the Trade Federation would initially side with the Queen, due to rising tension between the Gungan and the Naboo. They would garrison the land in the promise to aid the Naboo in case of an attack, but in reality, they would already be fighting and enslaving the Gungans. Gunray in particular would play a role akin to Grima Wormtongue, poisoning the aging regent with ill advice, thus turning her into the perfect personification of the fading Republic. Conceptionally this story should betide around her sitting quietly in the centre. In the decisive moments it comes down to her actions, but the story is about the people around her that shape her decisions.

Now, about the crawl, it should put emphasis on complacent state that the republic is in and like Faraday I fancy the wording of “a golden age is ending”, so that should make the first paragraph. The second should focus on the tensions on Naboo and the third should elaborate on the Federations part in all of it and mention the republic ambassadors.

Then, pan down to the evergreen Planet surrounded by war ships. Federation dropships descend to the surface. The holographic image of Gunray and his advisor appears and orders the droid commander of this landing force to search the swamps for Otoh Gunga and capture any Gungan alive.
Transition to Theed, accompanied by their closest advisors, Gunray and the Queen descend the stairs in conversation. The Queen stresses her intend to find a peaceful solution and Gunray describes thart a Gungan army is gathering in the marshes, expressing that the time of diplomacy has passed. However the Queen places faith in the republic ambassadors. At the bottom of the stairs a battle droid informs the Viceroy that his ship has arrived.
Then follows the original opening sequence, minus any mention of Sidious. After the Jedi spot the invasion army and decide to go and warn the Naboo, we cut to Battledroids taking a number of Gungans prisoner and see Jar Jar hiding under a cart, while observing the scene.
Back onboard the federation commandship, the Queen contacts Gunray to inquire about the ambassadors. Subsequently the communication is disrupted and Sio Bibble suspects an attack.
Cut back to the Jedi, who meet up with Jar Jar and make for Otoh Gunga with haste. A few dialogue tweaks here and there, indicating that Jar Jar is a deserter. Shorten the under water sequence and cut the Sidious hologram. The invasion of Theed replaces his scene.
After that the Jedi arrive in the city, free the Queen, persuade her to go to coruscant and the plot proceeds normally until after they escaped the blockade. Again, I would drop the Sidious scene and also cut the Queen thanking R2 as well. If we replace R2 with Anakin, this scene could be reused to a better purpose after their departure from Tatooine.
The Tatooine portion of the movie would mostly stay the same. Maybe I’d pitch Anakin’s voice down a little and Amidala’s up and change Anakin’s introduction as suggested on here before. The bet should definitely be simplified though.Maybe Anakin helping Jar Jar could be worked into a small character moment that encourages Jar Jar to stand up for himself.

It would create a nice arc for his character. He goes from being a coward that is being pushed around by droids half his height. Then he learns to stand up for himself and in turn encourages the Queen to do the same for her people. And finally he himself would lead his people against this very same enemy.

Anyway back to Tatooine. During the dinner scene and the conversation about slavery, Jar Jar should add a small remark like “Gungans get pasty too, eh?”, to tie the grim fate awaiting the Gungans to Anakin’s reality, forming a strong motivation for him to help.
I think I would skip Maul and Sidious talking on Coruscant, I’d like to keep Sidious out of the picture for as long as possible. Instead Maul should be sent by Gunray, building him up to a Tarkin like villain.
After the pod race is won and we have left Tatooine, the Queen thanks Anakin for his help. Maybe she could even promise him to help his mother.
On coruscant things proceed similar the original. Obviously Palpatine introducing the Queen to the senate would need to be altered. We would need to use a new name for the Queen, it should be a name that McDiarmid uses in some other movie he’s in and it should still sounds nabooish, but I don’t know if there is anything usable.
The biggest challenge might lie in the meeting of the Queen and Boss Nass. Ideally she should unintentionally anger Boss Nass, almost spoiling her plan to forge an alliance with the Gungans. This is the moment that Padmé should step in, essentially saving their only hope of freeing their people.
The finale plays out as usual, although I would cut most of the Gungan battle, Jar Jar has to look heroic in this and there isn’t that much footage to support that.
Lastly I would like to add a line of dialogue to palpatines arrival. After he addressed Anakin, he should promise him that the republic will free the slaves on Tatooine.

That’s basically the brought outline of the changes I have in mind. Surely there are still many small tidbits of dialogue that would need some attention to sell this new plot, but nothing too serious, unless I forgot about a major scene.
Besides that I am struggling when to introduce Palpatine as the shadow figure. I would like to tie it somehow to Qui-Gon’s feeling that something else is behind the federations move, but I have no idea how to implement this into the story.

I hope this wall of text is somewhat comprehensive, I had to take a few brakes form writing to rest a little.
Anyways I would like to hear your thought’s.

I can’t speak to the feasibility of some of your more radical ideas, but I really like opening on invasion, the droid/neimoidian hologram scene on the planet, and into the Jedi. That’s probably our most bombastic and interesting opening for this movie and saga.

Droid and neimoidian dialogue is editable enough, so we could likely do something with that scene to flow naturally into the Jedis’ appearance.

I think the holy grail for me would be a transition shot from space down to the planet (or from space to neimoidian base ships launching landing craft), to give editors that alternative opening to build around.

Here’s a title crawl,

The Republic is in decay. Despite the guidance of the JEDI ORDER causing centuries of peace, an ancient evil is returning to the galaxy.

Close to the OUTER RIM and far from the Core Worlds, deadly warships of the ever greedy Trade Federation surround the prosperous planet of Naboo.

With the newly crowned Queen Amidala desperate for help, the Jedi Council and Supreme Chancellor secretly dispatch Jedi Knights Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi to settle the conflict…

Here’s a little idea, I don’t know how valuable it would be, but it might be worth thinking about:

You could potentially move Padmé’s early conversation by video with the Neimoidians on their bridge to when she’s on Tattooine.

During the “The death toll is catastrophic”/“It’s a trap, send no reply” segment, you could follow that up a short time later with Padmé’s “The Trade Federation have gone too far this time” - and then follow that with the launch of the probe droids and eventual attack by Maul.

Does that make for an interesting throughline?

EddieDean said:

Here’s a little idea, I don’t know how valuable it would be, but it might be worth thinking about:

You could potentially move Padmé’s early conversation by video with the Neimoidians on their bridge to when she’s on Tattooine.

During the “The death toll is catastrophic”/“It’s a trap, send no reply” segment, you could follow that up a short time later with Padmé’s “The Trade Federation have gone too far this time” - and then follow that with the launch of the probe droids and eventual attack by Maul.

Does that make for an interesting throughline?

That is a nice idea indeed, however Padmé isn’t onboard her ship when they receive Sio Bibble’s transition.