RogueLeader

For the brain worms duology you could go with something pulpy, like, Terror of the Brain Invaders!

Something more subtle could be Hive Mind. Perhaps some double meaning could be interpreted from that.

Lol, yeah, I checked again and he asks “The Battle of Chyron Belt Admiral Holdo?”

Haha, I have never heard someone interpret that line that way. 😂

EDIT: There might be some value for the alien calling Holdo a war hero. Since there’s a theme about being a hero vs being a leader, it might be interesting to emphasize that she used to be a hero just like Poe. Which might be why she sort of likes Poe despite his flaws.

Potentially. You would just have to think of words/lines that match the length of what he says. His first line is just two syllables, and then he says “Poe”, which you could potentially change to “No”, “Don’t” I guess.

For the context of the situation, it would probably need to be something about Holdo.

Like, Poe says, “That’s Admiral Holdo? The Battle of Chiron Belt Admiral Holdo?”

The alien could reply with something short, like, “Republic hero”.

Though maybe you could put his lines somewhere else in the scene too, if you wanted it to be more spy-plot relevant.

Poe asks if that’s really Admiral Holdo, then the alien says something, and he sort of shrugs his shoulders. Poe gets up and the alien says “Poe”.

Here’s another idea:

When D’Arcy is updating the crew about what has happened, after she says all their leadership except for Leia is gone, the crew moans and groans a little. During this time, we could add a new voice line or two from random crew members asking questions like:

“How did they find us?”
“There must be a spy!”
“What are we going to do?”

Then cut back to D’Arcy, continuing with, “To that end, the chain of command is clear…”

At the very least, something like this can illustrate that the Resistance fear that there might be a spy leaking information to the First Order. Now, Holdo is going to take charge and handle the situation.

Instead of Holdo explicitly mentioning a spy, we might be able to piece together a line like, “The plan, is need to know” or “It’s a need to know plan.” I’m pretty sure she says these words in some shape or from in this scene and throughout the movie, so maybe we could get something that sounds passable. This would also work well because later, when 3PO suggests to Poe that they tell Holdo about their plan, he says, “It’s a need to know plan, and she doesn’t.” So that might help him seem impetuous.

When Leia speaks to Poe, maybe she could just say something like, “Holdo was protecting the light.” You could piece this together from that sentence she says. While it isn’t as clear as what you were suggesting, it might at least remind the audience that she was just trying to protect the Resistance by being cautious about the plan.

I don’t think anyone else has looked into finding new sources of ADR lines for Dern or Fisher, at least in this particular way. Even if you can, you run into the problem of if the line will actually fit the tone and inflection that would be appropriate for the sentence you’re trying to construct.

Hmm. I wonder if one of the AI voice generators could be used to make a simple sentence. Understanding how to use that tech is beyond me, though.

It might not work as well, but Commander D’Arcy could be redubbed by another actress, since she is present in both scenes. In her speech she could say something about their possibly being a spy, so their plan must remain top secret. Then, in the transport, she could say how Holdo didn’t know about the hyperspace tracking.

Damn, this sounds good Eddie. You’ve really put some thought into this. I’ve loved all your episodes so far, but these are the kind of episodes I really love to see come out of your project!

Damn, Nev, you’ve basically writing a novel.

To be honest I have only skimmed the Word document, but you’re saying this is a more expanded version of the treatment you wrote here, but in that process it has changed drastically.

But, now you’re saying it has changed even more, and you’re going to write this out from scratch again?

What made you decide to take out Thrawn? I have to say it was cool to see him, but I at the same time I can see how the story could be served well to focus more on the characters that already exist in the story.

Sherlock, are you working in mono or stereo? Just curious if those Finn lines you moved are separate from the other tracks where you pulled it from. I’m assuming it was, but the music just kind of bleeds into the track with the dialogue sometimes. I do think the lines need to be cleaned up a little.

I don’t necessarily have a preference between the versions. I do see what you mean by Poe’s line about the landing gear leading right into the scene of the ship crashing. I do like the way you’re showing Rey kind of distracted. Though I think it would be better to have it to where she only hears the whispers when she is holding the blade.

(I also appreciate the Inigo Montoya reference! Haha)

I appreciate your breakdown of it, Burbin. Although the dagger change was initially because I didn’t like the logic of how the dagger worked, I think the replacement is worth the effort, because it actually contributes to challenging Rey’s character in a way that it didn’t before. It is actually relevant to Rey’s main conflict, where the original wasn’t.

I think there was some confusion as to when Rey would first see a vision, or hear whispers, of the Wayfinder’s location, but that wouldn’t be until she at least picks it up on Ren’s Star Destroyer. But like I said, the main benefit isn’t really simplifying plot conveniences, it is showing Rey confronting the darkness within her.

But, I didn’t make this suggestion for Ascendant, originally, so if people don’t like it it doesn’t have to be included. I can try to work out the kinks and then a decision can be made about it.

That is an interesting idea jarbear. It makes the dagger less of a way finder for the Wayfinder, and more of an independent tool. Though it might raise questions of why he didn’t use it to find Rey before leaving Jakku.

EDIT: Maybe she could hear whispers of “Endor” and “Death Star” rather than literally seeing it. And Rey didn’t know how to use it when she first picked it up, but I can see the fear of that not being explicit.

Going with the idea that the dagger doesn’t explicitly say the Wayfinder’s location, you would have to cut two lines already:

1. The location of the Wayfinder has been inscribed upon this dagger.
2. I know exactly where the Wayfinder is.

So I think it works better that 3PO knows exactly what it says, and knows it’s the clue to find the Wayfinder that Luke was looking for. But, they’re instructions, not a precise location, so 3PO can’t just punch it into the navcomputer himself.

EDIT: And I see your point Jar Jar. To be fair, Rey doesn’t really hold it long enough to know how it works, so I don’t think the whole journey is undermined by the change.

All the conversation about the dagger is good to see! Forgive me if I skimmed over something, but like Sherlock said, the inscription will be more like instructions for how to use the dagger to find the Wayfinder, rather than telling Rey exactly where it is. It was designed by the Sith to find the Wayfinder regardless of where it is. So the inscription can’t talk about Endor, the southern shore, or the Emperor. It predates the Emperor by a lot.

Faraday is working on something that I think works well and sounds cool.

I really love that image of Mustafar, Cinefy. It feels spooky and matches the environment we see in the movie. Something like that would be cool to see in motion.

Hal 9000 said:

Interesting idea; I guess we could remove the dagger as (necessarily) the murder weapon of her parents. It would add focus on communicating that the dagger is whispering to her to be used to find the Wayfinder, but it would no longer set up the reveal about her parents tucking her away and being killed. But it’s probably worth it.

I don’t think you necessarily have to not make the dagger the weapon that killed her parents, we would just be making it unimportant that Ochi killed her parents with the dagger, which it wasn’t to begin with. The connection between Ochi and her parents is already set up by her recognizing Ochi’s ship from the day her parents left. Her hearing her mother’s screams from the blade doesn’t really contribute a lot to that revelation.

Not making the dagger the murder weapon, or Ochi the murderer, opens up a can of worms that could have drastic changes to the story. On the other hand, I’m all for drastic changes when it comes to this movie…

Hmm, Faraday, you make a convincing argument for keeping it. I do like sherlock’s idea, where his last line could alternatively be a little egotistical (“I wonder if they’ll make a statue of me?”). It kind of shows off one of his other character flaws. I don’t mind keeping it once I see it from your perspective, but I think an alternate line that displays either his cowardice or his ego could still be fun to play with.

I’m glad you like some of those ideas, sherlock! The idea of Zori’s crew saying, “Jedi!” is an idea I got from the Duel of the Fates script. When Rey pulls out her saber on Kuat, the laborers all start saying, “Jedi! Jedi!” This wouldn’t necessarily have the same impact, but I did like that moment in the script.

bbghost’s test for Poe “Not a Spice-Runner” is pretty good! I think for an edit that went that route, I think it would be good to make Zori say “I’m still digging myself out of the hole you put me in when I left the Resistance”. Now that Poe isn’t a spice-runner, this would be the new way we could explain how Poe and Zori have history.

DominicCobb said:

The Zorii stuff is interesting. I’m all for cutting the spice runner backstory as I’m sure many are, but I wonder if there’s some way we could replace it with something else? Feels like there’d be some obviously missing info about Poe’s connection without that there. Zorii being a part of the Resistance seems like a nice solution but I’m not sure the connection is obvious as to what Poe did to make her mad.

This would be the one hiccup. There’s definitely some bad blood between them, and the line “I’m still digging myself out of the hole you put me in when I left the Resistance” wouldn’t really explain what Poe did that left Zori in the hole (I’m guessing a financial hole). There’s definitely a story there (in this version of events), but it’s not explained. But to be fair, she never really explains how Poe leaving the crew put her in a hole, either. In my head, I picture Poe and Zorii we’re on a mission together on Kijimi, Zorri decided to abandon the cause. Things went south, and she blames Poe for the consequences.

And yeah, like sherlock said, more power to the people who want to keep this stuff! Just trying to figure something out for those who do want to cut it. But I think trimming the line, "“I’m still digging myself out of the hole you put me in” would still be an improvement for both camps, at the very least.

To be honest I didn’t realize the Sith voice was still Anthony Daniels. At the very least, I think it sounds distinct that if we were to replace it, it wouldn’t be super noticeable. Also, since we’ve never seen Red-Eye 3PO before, we don’t really know the rules for this situation. Perhaps it could be a more baseline robotic voice, devoid of any humanity, before the 3PO personality is reinstalled.

Awesome, Faraday! Faraday can try copying the Sith voice as close as possible, and if that doesn’t work, maybe we could just go with a more robotic filter or AI generated voice. I’ll try to write something up and send it to you, Faraday. Though if others have some ideas feel free to shout it out.

sherlock, could you see about moving Finn’s line about Endor to the part where Finn and Rey are working on the Falcon? If anything, maybe we could hear the beginning of Finn’s like while the camera is still in the cockpit with Poe and Chewie, like we’re doing a J-cut. The whole line doesn’t have to be used. Just whatever fits and still makes sense.

So redub Kijimi characters to use more offensive language?

I would love that! It would be fun to get some kind of scene where a clone (Maybe Cody) is in charge of new non-clone recruits. And him dealing with their incompetencies and prejudices regarding clones.

CaptainFaraday said:

These are all interesting ideas. Kijimi being in revolt is a really good addition in my opinion, and I especially like the Rebel graffiti one, referencing the movie poster. The Dagger changes would really improve things as well, I reckon.

Thanks. I think not only the dagger changes make it more mysterious, but I think it is interesting from a character perspective too, since Rey has to sort of embrace the dark side in order for her to find the Wayfinder. Any additions that make us doubt Rey’s ability to resist the darkness would be nice, I think.

I personally like 3PO having a comedic line right as he’s deactivated; the contrast works for me. It’s a funny line, but also, it reminds us that 3PO is this unintentionally funny bumbling droid we like, and now he’s gone. I’m realising I like C-3PO being comedic in TROS than most people do, though, so your mileage may vary.

I like comedic 3PO too! Maybe another funny line could be played around with? I’m just iffy on this one because it make it seem like 3PO is going back on his decision to make this sacrifice.

Also

• Add details to Kijimi to establish that it is revolting.

Digitally insert trash all over the streets, open sewage lines, add insert shots of people pinching their noses when they go outdoors.

Lol, isn’t the English language awful?

You’re right. Sorry, just having some fun!

(Just to make fun of myself a little)

Three days from now, on the Rise of Skywalker: Rey’s Fourth Line Removal discussion thread.

RogueLeader: Guys, this discussion about removing Rey’s FIFTH line is interesting and all, but it is not really relevant to discussion on the fourth line, so I think we should move this discussion to the Rise of Skywalker: Rey’s Fifth Line Removal Discussion thread.

Haha, I was waiting for your response, Test. That’s fair. I don’t think it hurts to add more to it though.

Bad idea. Rey’s fourth line is essential to the-

Here are some of the ideas I had written down.

Some thoughts on the Kijimi sequence: Kijimi in Revolt, 3PO’s Irreversible Sacrifice, and Poe’s Past.

• Add details to Kijimi to establish that it is revolting.
• Add graffiti to one of the walls of the Kijimi streets. Rebel symbol, crossed-out stormtrooper helmet, or Luke posing like the original Star Wars poster, with lightsaber overhead.
• While they’re sneaking around, add civilian protest shouts in the distance, maybe something like, “For Skywalker!” Maybe then we could hear blaster shots or an explosion.
• When Zori says, “I’m still digging myself out of the whole you put me in when you left to join the Resistance”, cut “-to join the Resistance”, or “-when you left to join the Resistance”. This gives us more ambiguity so people can interpret the situation in different ways. 1) The canon explanation, where Poe left to join the New Republic, which he was a part of before he joined the Resistance. 2) Maybe Poe only worked as a spice runner undercover as a Republic operative, and messed up their operations during his mission.
• Or, have Zori say, “I’m still digging myself out of the whole you put me in when I left the Resistance”, which would help explain why Zori knows the “more of us” phrase that Lando uses later, implying it is some kind of Rebel phrase, and why she flies a Y-Wing at the battle of Exegol. It would also nicely parallel Finn bringing in ex-stormtroopers into the fight. Doesn’t explain why Poe used to be a spice runner, but those references could potentially be cut.
• When Rey whips out her lightsaber, add offscreen dialogue of Zori’s awestruck crew saying, “Jedi!”, or “The Jedi!” Maybe Zori and her crew just thought she was a “scavenger” at first. But when they realize she’s a Jedi, Zori becomes more willing to work with them. It gives more of a reason as to why she thinks Rey is “okay”, and why she goes from pointing a gun at Poe’s head, to helping him, in 30 seconds flat.
• If C3PO’s memory is permanently deleted, cut Finn asking if R2 backs up 3PO’s memory, and 3PO’s response, but replace 3PO’s line, “Artoo’s storage unit is notoriously unreliable” with a different line so we can keep the shot of Rey contemplating. Maybe we can push C3PO’s line, “There must be some other way” to that shot, and completely cut the shot where Finn asks about R2 backing up his memory.
• Cut 3PO saying, “I just had an idea of something else-“ before Babu turns him off. It kind of takes away a little bit from 3PO making this sacrifice. So maybe 3PO could say something like, “Tell R2 I-“ or “I have a bad feeling about-“
• Cut Poe’s line’s about no one coming at the Battle of Crait, and everyone giving up. Maybe he could just say, “I can’t turn my back on this war. Not till it’s over. Maybe it is. Everyone’s so afraid(?). They’ve given up(?).” This might take some work to get the shots and music to still flow appropriately. I’m thinking cut everything after “Maybe it is” and put that line over the shot of Zori say, “No, I don’t believe you believe that”, but either cut “No” or change her line to just “You don’t believe that.”

Making the Dagger an Ancient Artifact

• In order to make the dagger distinctly ancient, redub Red-Eyed 3PO to give a new translation of the dagger. Instead of giving the exact coordinates, the new translation instructs the wielder to hold the dagger and embrace the darkness it holds. If they accept this “test”, the dagger will show them the way.
• Cut Finn saying, “The Endor system? Isn’t that where the last war ended?” This will be pushed to later. They don’t have time to react to the translation, because the First Order shows up.
• After Rey senses the dagger on the ship, cut Poe asking why they need it, and Rey saying, “A feeling.” The new translation makes it clear that they need the dagger to find the Wayfinder.
• When Rey picks up the dagger and stares at it, she begins hearing whispers/screams and eventually sees a quick glimpse of the Death Star ruins. Kylo Ren interrupts her right after this moment. (This would tie in well to the whispers guiding her to vault on the Death Star, as Ascendant currently has it.)
• At the beginning of the scene with Rey and Finn fixing the Falcon, add a part of Finn’s earlier line, “The Endor system? Where the last war ended?” (Either sentence, both likely won’t fit). Rey continues “All that matters is finding the Wayfinder. Finding Exegol.” Adding the line here helps clarify that Rey told them about her vision of the Death Star after they regrouped, and now they are heading there.

You could also potentially cut away before he walks off camera. That way we don’t see him leaving the helmet.