Mike O

Fucking hell. Didn’t get an appointment with my new therapist this week because of a weird scheduling mixup at work. Another holiday weekend in retail, man, tomorrow, is going to be hell. I’m almost at the three-week mark for my increased medication. If I’m objective, I’ll admit that it does seem to be helping a little bit. I’m thinking about asking her about increasing it more, but I’m a bit worried both she and my new doc might think I’m leaning too heavily on it or looking to it as a magic cure-all. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve looked at the bottle and thought about taking more, but I know how dangerous that is. My mother opined today that she thought I seemed a bit better, but sadly, I slept through half of the day again, so I doubt it. I’m tired of this. Even if I surrender to it, I can’t even lose. It’s so hard. I went a nearly hour-long binge last night and tonight. If I’m better, it’s only a little bit, and the number of Dan Barker/Christopher Hitchens videos and Iron Chariots Wiki articles I’ve had compulsions towards has decidedly not gone done as much as I hope. I wasn’t even able to get through a 20-minute Samurai Jack episode today. I slept in until 1:00, then crashed again a few hours later until nearly 8:00. The compulsions and anxiety are now mingling with the depression. It’s just even more fun! I’m sort of starting to conclude that I’m never going to get back to where I was a few weeks ago, a comfortable intellectual equilibrium. I’m never going to “beat” this, and I’m going to have accept that every day for the rest of my life I’m going to have to deal with the flood of hormones in the morning alone that cause all of this, and always be fighting it. I guess that’s just life. I hope not. But I think so. I’ve paged over several times just writing this to look at stuff. I just can’t beat this. It’s not a question of how hard I try, it’s just too strong. It’s crippling me, binding me my bed. I think I’m going to have to just accept that. I’d love to be wrong, but it’s sure hard to feel differently at this long. Scored a minor victory a few nights ago when I went out with friends and had some Fun, but dammit if it didn’t come on again. I can’t distract myself all the time. Over at the AV Club today, there was a very minor discussion about religion. My participation was minimal, but damned if it still didn’t set me off.

I can’t get away from this. I can’t stop people wearing crosses around their necks, I can’t stop driving past churches. The guy over there asked his therapist about anyone in this area, and she didn’t know anybody, but he showed me a list of nearby OCD specialists, particularly those specializing in ERP therapy. I’m going to have to start seriously considering this possibility, and the possibility that maybe I have suddenly manifested adult OCD. The terrifying horror stories he tells about losing a job, locking himself in his apartment for weeks, etc. should put my problems into better perspective than they do and show how minor my problems should be. I’m just so tired of this. I want to think about something else. I want my mind back. Fuck. I want to enjoy things again, to catch up on my DVR, my Arrow episodes on Netflix. I want this to stop. Sorry for more whining. I just feel like the minor victory I scored made the sting of falling back all the more harsh. I just don’t feel like I can beat this, I don’t feel like it’s even possible. God, help me. And another retail holiday weekend tomorrow. At least I can stress about that, I suppose.

Tyrphanax said:

Work has probably thrown a bit or a wrench in things. Make a real effort to try to get out and do stuff on work days as well, even if it’s just a walk. It’s so much easier to give into compulsions when you’re tired, so doing your best to get out and away from things until it’s bed time might help.

When’s your next appointment?

Well, unfortunately, management, in their infinite wisdom, messed up the schedule this week, so I wound up with a Saturday off, which unfortunately he doesn’t work. I’m trying to work around my schedule, but he probably only got my message a short time ago. A guy I know another forum who’s had some severe OCD issues offered to ask his therapist if she knows anyone in my area, which I told him I appreciate. We’ll see if he remembers. I’m still going, of course, but it just feels pointless. I mean, he confronted me directly with the heart of this issue: why does it bother you when you know your own beliefs? I was unable to answer, then as now. This just isn’t a rational enough thing for me to fight with that way. I don’t mean that in any way to disrespect what he’s trying to do, and he clearly wants to help, I just wonder if I can be helped given my giant mental block. The compulsions laid low in exchange for depression for most of today (yesterday I slept for about 18 hours), but when they came back, man, they wanted interest. I was hoping it meant the medicine was finally doing some good, but damn, when these came back, they wanted interest. Since they’re so impossible to reason with, I don’t think there’s any way to win against them. I mean, I can sit here and tell you they’re irrational just like I did him, but can’t fight them. Even if I surrender, I can’t be left along. It feels to defeating.

Sorry for the pity party. Just…God, it was rough.

Well, went back to work. The compulsions subsided somewhat, and were replaced by depression. I’ve been sleep 18 hours some days. Then the compulsions came back on my last break at work today. Just fun. Serously, please God, make this stop.

Tyrphanax said:

I know it sucks, but the good (and important) thing is you’re doing the work now rather than next year, or five years from now. Don’t beat yourself up about posting here, either. Nobody’s forcing us to be here, haha.

Just as an aside for consideration: See if you can get a referral to an OCD specialist from your current therapist, perhaps? Or maybe do some research and see if you can find one near you (unless your current therapist is!). I would personally bring up the possibility of some Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, because in this modern world it is awfully hard to escape information (as you yourself have found), so it’s best to learn how to deal with triggers as they come up rather than deny them. It’s a very effective treatment in my experience.

If this is OCD. I’m not sure anymore. Just got through a hell of a rough workday in many, many ways, and I was pretty functional (I guess one kind of stress can push the other around), though the compulsions still came on on breaks, and it was such a rough day that my temper started to fray. Overall, though, I’m rather proud of myself for how I handled it. I gave me therapist the journal I’ve been keeping, so we’ll see what he says about that. I’m on the autism spectrum, so while I’ve been previously disagnosed with anxiety and depression, and while I’ve had OCD tendencies, it’s never seemed to manifest as anything like this. It’s certainly possible it developed later in life, much as I’d rather think not. I will ask him about that next session (there’s an issue with my schedule this week, so I have to straighten that out before I set up with him again), and I’m coming up on the two-week mark for th increase in my medicine. I’m going out with the family again tonight, so at least I’m not locked in my bedroom tapping away at my phone.

Seriously though, they came on again on the drive home! This is ridiculously defeatist! Fighting against it is hard, giving in to it hurts! What’s the fucking point? God, help me. I can’t win, and can’t even lose. It just hurts so fucking much.

EDIT: Went out with my brother. At least I got out of the house and some socializing done.

EDIT 2: Didn’t work. Somehow wound up on a video of Christopher Hitchens ranting about circumcision. That was about as mess up as could be.

Oh, and Independence Day: Resurgence is terrible.

Went out for my b-day with the family. They, particularly my mother, noticed how off I was. I’d deliberately left the phone in the car so I wouldn’t indulge my compulsions when I stepped away to go the restroom (and I know, TMI, but whatever the hell is going on with my medication and my appetite, I’ve been spending more time there). It worked, and I made the drive home, but they came on so fucking strong that I did it again. This feels like a Catch 22 in hell: either expend anxiety and depression to fight the compulsions, or indulge the compulsions. And fighting them makes them worse! It’s like damned if you, damned if you don’t! If it weren’t both frightening and sad, it might be darkly funny. But it’s not funny. It’s scary.

Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes. This is not how I wanted to end my vacation of celebrate my birthday, but I guess it is what it is. God, help me. At this point, I feel like even if I were to manage to reclaim my mind, with all of this stuff rattling around in there, the damage has been done so badly that I can never be back to where I was.

Sorry for all of the drama. It’s just frustrating that I fought-and hard-only to face an enemy twice as big. It just makes fighting feel pointless.

Chewtobacca said:

Mike O said:
I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity…
…I feel like a relapsing drug addict.

That is indeed an effective analogy. What you are going through has the hallmarks of anxiety, depression, and obsession, but it’s also in some ways like addiction. Addicts have to be mindful of people, places, and paraphernalia.

Well, that’s humiliating, but given how I just had another slip-up again a few minutes ago, I might be forced to conclude that you have a point. I more or less fought one off last night when I went to bed, but getting up again brought them all on again. I just feel so weak now. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. And I have to get up at 5:00 tomorrow to go back to work. Just great.

EDIT: Put the phone upstairs to eat. When my parents left for church, I slipped with the computer. God.

I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity. I went out with my friends again today and had a couple more episodes when I ducked into the bathroom. I feel like a relapsing drug addict. I wish I knew why this was happening and that I could control it, or when understand it. It’s my birthday tomorrow, what a lovely present. God, this is hellish. I go back to work the next day. This feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a bottle of Ice Mountain. It’s just so frustrating, it feels like it’s not worth fighting. I don’t know anymore.

moviefreakedmind said:

Mike O said:

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

Get rid of your computer and smartphone.

The computer belongs to my parents with whom I live. As for the phone, in spite of the compulsions, I use it for all kinds of things besides the compulsions: this, lots of stuff that I read, checking online for various things, some related to my Job, etc. Even then, with how late I’m staying up, I could probably play with my dad’s at night anyway.

I had more attacks this morning. It’s just endless. I’ve been raising my medicine, getting tested, having intense therapy, excercising, but it just feels like all of my work is for naught, like I can’t win. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so defeated.

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

The compulsions finally fired up again a few minutes ago. Man, I took my meds today, ate more than usual, saw my therapist, even went for a long walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sunlight, but in the end, I couldn’t fight. God, it’s discouraging. I know, I resisted longer this time, that’s a victory, but it can’t help but feel hollow in light of this. I have to go back to work in a few days. This is not how I wanted to spend my vacation.

I want to thank everyone here for all of your continued kindness and support. This may be an odd way of getting things out or seeking some kind of help, but everyone here has been willing to listen, offer honest advice, and keep believing in me and reminding me how important it is to keep fighting no matter how hard it is, and no matter how pointless it sometimes feels. I should offer up a lot more than Just thanks, which I sadly cannot, but I do offer them all the same. So thanks.

Saw my new therapist again today. He’s very kind, experienced, and obviously smart. I gave a journal of sorts that I’ve been keeping of some things I actually typed out during my worst episodes. Not pleasant, but he’s a therapist, I’m sure he’s seen plenty worse. I know, it’s his job, I have to be honest. It was a nice talk, and he did a good job of pointing out some things about the nature of the attacks, about the logical conclusions of some circular thoughts (EG If these thoughts led me to any hard-line atheism, which as I’ve pointed out, is not my own viewpoint, since I’ve already decided not only my own views, but that I would never be a fighter against religion, that even if I watched these things for 72 hours straight without sleeping, it wouldn’t matter since I’ve already outlined my own philosophy, and even if I came to different beliefs, I still have to go on with my own life. It made sense, but as I pointed out to him, it’s hard to reason with thoughts and behaviors you know to be irrational and unhealthy. It’s impossible to stop the circle.). Got some blood work done yesterday to look at thyroid, medical possibilities, etc. (and I’m here to tell you, I do not like needles. Gah.), and it’s been a little over a week since the medication got bumped. He pointed out that it’s two weeks at minimum before I’m likely to see those effects. He is trying hard to get to the root of these problems: <b>why</b> does his bother me, why am I afraid of these thoughts, why can’t I direct these worries towards energizing myself towards things which clearly do make me happy, enrich my life, etc. Why not worry about not liking my job, doing more fulfilling things, as opposed to the problem of evil, etc. I told him he wasn’t wrong, but that I couldn’t find a way out of the irrational feedback loop. Does knowing you’re insane make you less insane? It’s such a gorgeous day. So beautiful. A gorgeous sun, a cool breeze. I wish I could appreciate it more. I’ve starts trying to take my medicine with food, but this is such havoc on my appetite that I’m eating less, and less healthy when I do, and I didn’t eat healthy to being with. Oh, and this my be gross TMI, but why is my libido up? Aren’t SSRIs supposed to push it down and decrease it? Being horny is getting kind of annoying.

Bingowings said:

I for one am glad you are writing this. It must be very difficult and bizarre for you fathom let alone explain. On the surface an addiction to watching anything would sound silly compared to a substance abuse problem.

It’s unbelievably silly, or it would be if it was so fucking scary.

Addiction to porn would be easier to fathom. That it is an addiction to theological discussion videos and it’s clearly having such a debilitating effect on you would be something I would find difficult to explain to a stranger.

Hell, I can barely explain it to myself. It’s so insane.

That you are and so eloquently is an astounding testament to the human capacity to survive even the strangest of maladies.

Thank you. I am quite flattered.

I would recommend you transfer your phone sim to a dumb phone.

Can I do that with a smartphone? How could I transfer it back? I’ll be honest, I use my phone for a lot, starting with this kind of stuff. It might be hard to be without it. And even then, given that I have access to all of this stuff when I get home, it seems self-defeating.

Having easy access to these films is leaving you open to indulge these impulses on the go. I am concerned that your emotional state in these circumstances coupled with use of a car could end in possible tragedy. If your phone has no video capabilities you will have to come home to abide your urge to watch these films and you will not be emotionally vulnerable in a public place.

My therapist has actually talked a little about this, in the information, there is literal access to millions of videos, books, etc, and he talked about how important it can be to be selective or unplug. Being a therapist in this day and age must be frightening, and he pointed out, it’s only going to get worse. I wish I could heed his advice.

Chewtobacca said:

Bingowings is right. You have to change your telephone. Get your family, friends, and colleagues to help you restrict your access to these videos. I mentioned this early in the thread and feel it’s a step that you should really try to take at this stage.

That sounds possible, but hard. The compulsions are strong that I don’t know what I’d do during a nine-hour shift at work if I couldn’t indulge them, the effect could be unpleasant.

And we may be strangers on the internet, but that doesn’t stop us from genuinely caring about your welfare or from being here for you as much as we can be. Stay in touch.

Thanks. It’s odd, but I like the kindness, and you guys are appreciative and kind.

Bingowings said:

Mike O said:

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

I’m not trying to undermine your confidence but distress is distracting, it alters your brain chemistry. It’s not as dangerous as drink driving but it will lower your usual levels of decision making by heightening the fight or flight response. It’s the adrenaline. So seriously consider moving to a dumb phone and if things are really tense leave the car parked over night and use public transport. Even if you feel you can drive.

No worthwhile public transit where I reside, unfortunately. This has never happened this badly before, so I am more than a little frightened.

Tyrphanax said:

I do definitely second the above posts.

Bring your access to these videos up with your therapist, see what they recommend about your phone and computer. You should definitely bring up this post with them in that context.

I copied that post and put it in the journal he’s telling me to keep. Can’t imagine what he’ll think when he reads it.

You’re going through a darker time than usual right now. They will happen, but the important thing to remember is that you’ll make it through them. We’re all here for you!

Shit, many, I know. But I’ve been working hard to try to stop this: exercise, blood work, medicine, therapy, socializing. And it feels worse instead of better. It’s so goddamn frustrating.

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

Went out for a car trip or significant length to get something from the library. Wound up firing up some videos and listening to them while I drove. 30 minutes or so. I still have a ways to go before I get home, I’m parked in a lot right now. The days of fighting anything are gone. I see my new doc again tomorrow, and I’ll tell him about this, but I think that I’m fucked. I’m actually crying in the parking spot. I feel like everything is in shambles now, and irreparable. I haven’t eaten since last night. I have to go back to work in a few days. I don’t know what to do. I can’t control this. I can’t. It controls me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I…I feel like it’s all too much to even think about. I just want to think about something else. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy something, to entertain myself, to feel happy, to have some sort of comfort back. God, I’m still crying. And I’m writing all of this for strangers on the Internet, because I don’t know what else to do if I can’t get it out. Why can’t I just stay asleep? Why? Waking up is becoming a horror show. God, please, help me. I made my peace with all of this long ago. I don’t need this. I don’t deserve this. Please, make it stop. The compulsions are still there. Make them fucking stop. After all that’s happened her rattling in my mind, I can’t imagine I can ever be fixed. I have to go home and eat and take my medicine, I had to fast for the blood Test. But I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel much of anything besides these compulsions, anxiety, and depression. I want food to taste good again.

Went in for some blood and urine work today. They tested for the thyroid too, which is good. Who knows how long it’ll take before They send the results to my NP and what she’ll say. Can’t imagine it’s anything out of the ordinary, but can’t hurt.

Watched the video several more times. This compulsiveness is getting insane. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, but God only knows at this point. It’s like Groundhog Day in hell.

EDIT: First thing when I woke up this morning, the compulsions came on.

He’ll sure see some unpleasantness, but hopefully it’ll give him a picture. Not a picture I like, but he’s a therapist, so at least he’ll see the truth. I know, I know, therapists have seen worse, I get it. That’s his job.

Actually, I have been copying, pasting, and dating many of my posts here (editing the language a little) as the journal he’s been telling me to keep. Don’t know if it’s what he had in mind or not, but I’m going to show it to him.

Well, today was one of my worst ever. The compulsions got so bad that I was repeatedly checking an infamous video of Dan Barker getting kicked off of Fox News for being critical of a nativity scene and strongly criticizing Christianity. I’ve seen it at least a dozen times, and the compulsion to keep returning to it worsens every time. He whole point of OCD is that satiating the compulsions makes you temporarily relieved! What is happening?! Yes, I found the wording unpleasant and strong, but who cares? I also made the mistake of looking at the FFRF’s many lawsuits. Which again, is fine. It doesn’t effect me. I’m a firm believer in free speech, and he’s entitled to say those things. Moreover, as I’ve outlined, I’m much more sympathetic with the politics on the opposite side and am not deeply religious. I just don’t get why this is happening to my mind. I’ve outlined my own views on thee issues in previous pages at length. These other viewpoints need to be allowed to be out there, need to be allowed to be said, and I have repeatedly voted in favor of people being allowed to say these things. Yep. I heard that. Why can’t I move on with my life, think about something else, enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I still feel the compulsions even now. It’s insane. It literally controls me. What the hell is happening? My God, I feel like I’m going insane! I can STILL feel the compulsion, even now.

The Making of a Legend: Gone With the Wind- Tremendously enjoyable documentary about the production on David Selznick’s famous Hollywood epic, covering lots of behind-the scenes stories about the excessive budget, the shifting directors, the pig casting process, the public response, the cultural climate, and a marvelous look at Hollywood’s golden age. Very interesting, though unfortunately the version on the Blu-ray seems to have been taken from a very bad SD master.

Went to get a blood test today, but apparently you’re supposed to fast beforehand. Oops. I still have the info I need, I guess I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m going to see if they’ll check my thyroid too, can’t figure they’ll say no. It’s worth a shot. My family are really hurt from not being able to help, my mother says she’d take it from me if she could. I’m out with a friend again today for a few hours. I’m trying. I really am.

EDIT: Well, had foood for the first time since last night, only to find out that I have to fast before the test. I know, should be obvious. When I went into the restroom at my buddy’s house, I started to watch some anti-religion videos in the fucking bathroom. I think this is way past the point of being uncontrollable.

EDIT 2: Obsessively started reading about the freedom from religion foundation’s many lawsuits and battles. Man, the compulsions are not only more numerous, but they’re stronger. When things feel like they’re getting worse, it’s hard to imagine that they’ll ever get better. Now I’m on “the damage is done, I can never unread this” feedback loop. It’s just like every time I try to move out of the quicksand, I sink deeper.

Bingowings said:

How is your physical health? Is your blood pressure being measured? You have been finding food unenjoyable but are you still forcing yourself to eat healthy food and drink enough fluids?

I’m going in for a physical examination today. I do drink a lot of fluids (it’s hot where I am), but this is hell on my appetite, and I am eating a lot less and spending a ton of time in bed crippled by it, frequently sleeping through giant chunks of the day. God only knows what I’ll do when I have to go back to wood next week. TMI, but what I do eat has tended to be bad for my stomach and I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom. Hopefully that wasn’t vulgar.

I am fighting. I had a rather strong fight with my compulsion earlier. I don’t know how long I fought it before I indulged it-it felt like an hour-but it was pretty defeating. Even if I can fight them off, they come back. It just makes it feel like it’s not a winnable or worthwhile fight.

Today has been rough. Lots of attacks, and getting harder to fight. I’m going in for a physical exam tomorrow for blood work, etc. to see if there’s any physical cause. I doubt it, but at this point, it’s hard to think anything could make it worse.

My shrink left a message for me, he had something come up and had to reschedule for later in the week. So it goes, I suppose. Not thrilled, but he could be sick, have a family issue, any number of problems. It’s not like seeing him would be a cure-all or anything either, but I’m so frustrated. I had another attack. Why can’t I just sleep? Had another had meltdown. Good God.

I wish I could offer a comment or depth or insight about the unfair cruelty of the world, but I cannot, so I’ll just say this was a sad tragedy, and that he will be missed. I hope for the best for those who knew him, though I can’t imagine any thigh which could ease their pain. RIP, man. I sure hope there’s a better place, but if there’s not, then thanks for what you have us in this one.