Mike O

Saw my new therapist again today. He’s very kind, experienced, and obviously smart. I gave a journal of sorts that I’ve been keeping of some things I actually typed out during my worst episodes. Not pleasant, but he’s a therapist, I’m sure he’s seen plenty worse. I know, it’s his job, I have to be honest. It was a nice talk, and he did a good job of pointing out some things about the nature of the attacks, about the logical conclusions of some circular thoughts (EG If these thoughts led me to any hard-line atheism, which as I’ve pointed out, is not my own viewpoint, since I’ve already decided not only my own views, but that I would never be a fighter against religion, that even if I watched these things for 72 hours straight without sleeping, it wouldn’t matter since I’ve already outlined my own philosophy, and even if I came to different beliefs, I still have to go on with my own life. It made sense, but as I pointed out to him, it’s hard to reason with thoughts and behaviors you know to be irrational and unhealthy. It’s impossible to stop the circle.). Got some blood work done yesterday to look at thyroid, medical possibilities, etc. (and I’m here to tell you, I do not like needles. Gah.), and it’s been a little over a week since the medication got bumped. He pointed out that it’s two weeks at minimum before I’m likely to see those effects. He is trying hard to get to the root of these problems: <b>why</b> does his bother me, why am I afraid of these thoughts, why can’t I direct these worries towards energizing myself towards things which clearly do make me happy, enrich my life, etc. Why not worry about not liking my job, doing more fulfilling things, as opposed to the problem of evil, etc. I told him he wasn’t wrong, but that I couldn’t find a way out of the irrational feedback loop. Does knowing you’re insane make you less insane? It’s such a gorgeous day. So beautiful. A gorgeous sun, a cool breeze. I wish I could appreciate it more. I’ve starts trying to take my medicine with food, but this is such havoc on my appetite that I’m eating less, and less healthy when I do, and I didn’t eat healthy to being with. Oh, and this my be gross TMI, but why is my libido up? Aren’t SSRIs supposed to push it down and decrease it? Being horny is getting kind of annoying.

Bingowings said:

I for one am glad you are writing this. It must be very difficult and bizarre for you fathom let alone explain. On the surface an addiction to watching anything would sound silly compared to a substance abuse problem.

It’s unbelievably silly, or it would be if it was so fucking scary.

Addiction to porn would be easier to fathom. That it is an addiction to theological discussion videos and it’s clearly having such a debilitating effect on you would be something I would find difficult to explain to a stranger.

Hell, I can barely explain it to myself. It’s so insane.

That you are and so eloquently is an astounding testament to the human capacity to survive even the strangest of maladies.

Thank you. I am quite flattered.

I would recommend you transfer your phone sim to a dumb phone.

Can I do that with a smartphone? How could I transfer it back? I’ll be honest, I use my phone for a lot, starting with this kind of stuff. It might be hard to be without it. And even then, given that I have access to all of this stuff when I get home, it seems self-defeating.

Having easy access to these films is leaving you open to indulge these impulses on the go. I am concerned that your emotional state in these circumstances coupled with use of a car could end in possible tragedy. If your phone has no video capabilities you will have to come home to abide your urge to watch these films and you will not be emotionally vulnerable in a public place.

My therapist has actually talked a little about this, in the information, there is literal access to millions of videos, books, etc, and he talked about how important it can be to be selective or unplug. Being a therapist in this day and age must be frightening, and he pointed out, it’s only going to get worse. I wish I could heed his advice.

Chewtobacca said:

Bingowings is right. You have to change your telephone. Get your family, friends, and colleagues to help you restrict your access to these videos. I mentioned this early in the thread and feel it’s a step that you should really try to take at this stage.

That sounds possible, but hard. The compulsions are strong that I don’t know what I’d do during a nine-hour shift at work if I couldn’t indulge them, the effect could be unpleasant.

And we may be strangers on the internet, but that doesn’t stop us from genuinely caring about your welfare or from being here for you as much as we can be. Stay in touch.

Thanks. It’s odd, but I like the kindness, and you guys are appreciative and kind.

Bingowings said:

Mike O said:

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

I’m not trying to undermine your confidence but distress is distracting, it alters your brain chemistry. It’s not as dangerous as drink driving but it will lower your usual levels of decision making by heightening the fight or flight response. It’s the adrenaline. So seriously consider moving to a dumb phone and if things are really tense leave the car parked over night and use public transport. Even if you feel you can drive.

No worthwhile public transit where I reside, unfortunately. This has never happened this badly before, so I am more than a little frightened.

Tyrphanax said:

I do definitely second the above posts.

Bring your access to these videos up with your therapist, see what they recommend about your phone and computer. You should definitely bring up this post with them in that context.

I copied that post and put it in the journal he’s telling me to keep. Can’t imagine what he’ll think when he reads it.

You’re going through a darker time than usual right now. They will happen, but the important thing to remember is that you’ll make it through them. We’re all here for you!

Shit, many, I know. But I’ve been working hard to try to stop this: exercise, blood work, medicine, therapy, socializing. And it feels worse instead of better. It’s so goddamn frustrating.

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

Went out for a car trip or significant length to get something from the library. Wound up firing up some videos and listening to them while I drove. 30 minutes or so. I still have a ways to go before I get home, I’m parked in a lot right now. The days of fighting anything are gone. I see my new doc again tomorrow, and I’ll tell him about this, but I think that I’m fucked. I’m actually crying in the parking spot. I feel like everything is in shambles now, and irreparable. I haven’t eaten since last night. I have to go back to work in a few days. I don’t know what to do. I can’t control this. I can’t. It controls me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I…I feel like it’s all too much to even think about. I just want to think about something else. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy something, to entertain myself, to feel happy, to have some sort of comfort back. God, I’m still crying. And I’m writing all of this for strangers on the Internet, because I don’t know what else to do if I can’t get it out. Why can’t I just stay asleep? Why? Waking up is becoming a horror show. God, please, help me. I made my peace with all of this long ago. I don’t need this. I don’t deserve this. Please, make it stop. The compulsions are still there. Make them fucking stop. After all that’s happened her rattling in my mind, I can’t imagine I can ever be fixed. I have to go home and eat and take my medicine, I had to fast for the blood Test. But I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel much of anything besides these compulsions, anxiety, and depression. I want food to taste good again.

Went in for some blood and urine work today. They tested for the thyroid too, which is good. Who knows how long it’ll take before They send the results to my NP and what she’ll say. Can’t imagine it’s anything out of the ordinary, but can’t hurt.

Watched the video several more times. This compulsiveness is getting insane. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, but God only knows at this point. It’s like Groundhog Day in hell.

EDIT: First thing when I woke up this morning, the compulsions came on.

He’ll sure see some unpleasantness, but hopefully it’ll give him a picture. Not a picture I like, but he’s a therapist, so at least he’ll see the truth. I know, I know, therapists have seen worse, I get it. That’s his job.

Actually, I have been copying, pasting, and dating many of my posts here (editing the language a little) as the journal he’s been telling me to keep. Don’t know if it’s what he had in mind or not, but I’m going to show it to him.

Well, today was one of my worst ever. The compulsions got so bad that I was repeatedly checking an infamous video of Dan Barker getting kicked off of Fox News for being critical of a nativity scene and strongly criticizing Christianity. I’ve seen it at least a dozen times, and the compulsion to keep returning to it worsens every time. He whole point of OCD is that satiating the compulsions makes you temporarily relieved! What is happening?! Yes, I found the wording unpleasant and strong, but who cares? I also made the mistake of looking at the FFRF’s many lawsuits. Which again, is fine. It doesn’t effect me. I’m a firm believer in free speech, and he’s entitled to say those things. Moreover, as I’ve outlined, I’m much more sympathetic with the politics on the opposite side and am not deeply religious. I just don’t get why this is happening to my mind. I’ve outlined my own views on thee issues in previous pages at length. These other viewpoints need to be allowed to be out there, need to be allowed to be said, and I have repeatedly voted in favor of people being allowed to say these things. Yep. I heard that. Why can’t I move on with my life, think about something else, enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I still feel the compulsions even now. It’s insane. It literally controls me. What the hell is happening? My God, I feel like I’m going insane! I can STILL feel the compulsion, even now.

The Making of a Legend: Gone With the Wind- Tremendously enjoyable documentary about the production on David Selznick’s famous Hollywood epic, covering lots of behind-the scenes stories about the excessive budget, the shifting directors, the pig casting process, the public response, the cultural climate, and a marvelous look at Hollywood’s golden age. Very interesting, though unfortunately the version on the Blu-ray seems to have been taken from a very bad SD master.

Went to get a blood test today, but apparently you’re supposed to fast beforehand. Oops. I still have the info I need, I guess I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m going to see if they’ll check my thyroid too, can’t figure they’ll say no. It’s worth a shot. My family are really hurt from not being able to help, my mother says she’d take it from me if she could. I’m out with a friend again today for a few hours. I’m trying. I really am.

EDIT: Well, had foood for the first time since last night, only to find out that I have to fast before the test. I know, should be obvious. When I went into the restroom at my buddy’s house, I started to watch some anti-religion videos in the fucking bathroom. I think this is way past the point of being uncontrollable.

EDIT 2: Obsessively started reading about the freedom from religion foundation’s many lawsuits and battles. Man, the compulsions are not only more numerous, but they’re stronger. When things feel like they’re getting worse, it’s hard to imagine that they’ll ever get better. Now I’m on “the damage is done, I can never unread this” feedback loop. It’s just like every time I try to move out of the quicksand, I sink deeper.

Bingowings said:

How is your physical health? Is your blood pressure being measured? You have been finding food unenjoyable but are you still forcing yourself to eat healthy food and drink enough fluids?

I’m going in for a physical examination today. I do drink a lot of fluids (it’s hot where I am), but this is hell on my appetite, and I am eating a lot less and spending a ton of time in bed crippled by it, frequently sleeping through giant chunks of the day. God only knows what I’ll do when I have to go back to wood next week. TMI, but what I do eat has tended to be bad for my stomach and I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom. Hopefully that wasn’t vulgar.

I am fighting. I had a rather strong fight with my compulsion earlier. I don’t know how long I fought it before I indulged it-it felt like an hour-but it was pretty defeating. Even if I can fight them off, they come back. It just makes it feel like it’s not a winnable or worthwhile fight.

Today has been rough. Lots of attacks, and getting harder to fight. I’m going in for a physical exam tomorrow for blood work, etc. to see if there’s any physical cause. I doubt it, but at this point, it’s hard to think anything could make it worse.

My shrink left a message for me, he had something come up and had to reschedule for later in the week. So it goes, I suppose. Not thrilled, but he could be sick, have a family issue, any number of problems. It’s not like seeing him would be a cure-all or anything either, but I’m so frustrated. I had another attack. Why can’t I just sleep? Had another had meltdown. Good God.

I wish I could offer a comment or depth or insight about the unfair cruelty of the world, but I cannot, so I’ll just say this was a sad tragedy, and that he will be missed. I hope for the best for those who knew him, though I can’t imagine any thigh which could ease their pain. RIP, man. I sure hope there’s a better place, but if there’s not, then thanks for what you have us in this one.

Got another appointment with my new shrink tomorrow. Have been on the new dosage for four or five days now, I’m sure it’ll take longer if it does anything. I went out with the family for Father’s Day, ate out with them, did some talking, and then when I got home, decided to talk a walk. The compulsions came on like a storm while I was on my walk, so still not much luck. I don’t even know what to think anymore, much less what to do. I’m going to tell him the truth tomorrow: that even with the effort I’m putting in, I don’t feel like I’m getting any better. I don’t know how he’ll react or how I’ll tell him. I copied some of the stuff I’ve been writing here to show him as sort of journal pages, I’ll print it out before my session tomorrow. I know I’ve barely even been at the therapy for two weeks. I know I haven’t even been on the new meds for a week. I get that. I do. And I get that the time I spend in bed with mind in a feedback loop, curled up with a Gameboy game and some audiobooks thay used to be familiar ways to comfort myself don’t constitute the best way of facing this problem. I do know that. But I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been trying. I’ve gone out several times, walked several times, tried to get some stuff out several times, even watched a few TV episodes and a movie to try to push against this thing. But I just don’t feel like I’m making progress. The times I have felt any better eventually waned and were outnumbered by the times I felt worse. I’ll see what he says after tomorrow’s session. I even tried the breathing excercises he gave me and the massage excercises my mother’s friend’s therapist taught her that she showed me. I just feel like it’s like trying to fight a forest fire with a water bottle. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so goddamn frustrated.

Edit: see, I feel better for like five minutes after I do this, then it’s back to hell.

Depression so bad that I slept through literally most of the day. This is fucking fun. I’m going to try and eat something. Hopefully it’ll give my metabolism a little kick.

Edit 06/19: Managed to watch some TV last night/this morning, then the compulsions came back in the morning and more slip-ups. Sleeping more and more. Have another session with my new shrink tomorrow. I wish I could tell him I was better. I very sincerely wish I could.

Got up this morning, took my meds, then went back to bed. Head has been buzzing pretty much nonstop. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep with my constant obsessiveness running before finally reindulgin gone compulsions again. I want to fucking cry. I’m tired of this shit, man. I want to feel a LITTLE better, why can’t I?

Tyrphanax said:

It’s very important when you’re writing stuff to show your therapist that you catch yourself in the moment when it’s at its worst, that way they can accurately understand how you’re being affected and how you feel in the moment and all of that.

I think that’s the most frustrating part. I can stand back and look at it and not feel that way when I’m more lucid, but then when I’m not so much, it’s like the frightening stuff above.

Also, maybe you should get into writing movie reviews? Your posts in the review thread are always interesting and well-written with what seems like a decent amount of insight. Just a random thought.

Hell, I’ve wanted to do that for years! Hell, it’s something my family have all repeatedly. I hope I’m not being arrogant when I say that I can do it pretty well. But every asshole with a blog wants to now, and every pro I’ve asked has to me that it’s not the kind of thing I’m likely to get paid for nowadays.

Tyrphanax said:

I hope you’re writing this down to show the therapist!

Hang in there, buddy. It’ll get easier as time and work go on.

You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Copy and paste this stuff and make it a little more coherent and show it to him. Thay can’t hurt. Opening the first page of the AV Club, where I usually like hanging out, was probably the worst thing I could’ve done given the article and comments.

joefavs said:

Just got out of Lawrence and it might have been my favorite theater experience ever. The crowd was so much more into it than they were four years ago at the Regal. Highlight was the applause on the “and introducing Peter O’Toole as T.E. Lawrence” title card.

I’d give my eye teeth to see that in true 70mm.

The Hateful Eight- A second viewing has confirmed to me that this is Tarantino’s best film since Jackie Brown. A twisted stage play from hell shot on gorgeous Ultra Panavision 70mm, it find the director actually teaching for political and social subtext. It’s a knotty, meaty script, and though long, it moves with a tightness that the self-indulgences of Django Unchained and Death Proof needed. Sam Jackson continues his incredible partnership with QT, and the uniformly excellent cast, Robert Richardson’s gorgeous 70mm cinematography, and the Ennio Morricone’s score are all top-notch. Those expecting Tarantino’s usual grindhouse brutality may walk away disappointed-there’s vomited blood and exploding heads, but not as much as some exploitation-hungry viewers may be expecting. It’s a super-tense series of the director’s trademark dialogue set-piece verbal standoffs, indulgences, and ferociously incendiary language. I’m waiting to see if the roadshow cut comes out for Christmas, but damn, since this is likely to be the last major release on celluloid, it was privilege to see it, and at least 70mm is going out in fuckijg style. And John, when you get to hell? Tell them Daisy sent you. Jennifer Jason Leigh is almost demonic and feral. It may not have the scope of Fury Road, but there’s an apocalyptic undertone as it journeys headlong into hell.

I’m sorry, I have to get this out again. I don’t know what else to do. I had a cry in my car today, but the compulsions came back all the same. It’s them or the obsessive anxiety. Again, watching vitriolic anti-religion videos which articulate something wholly separate from my own viewpoint. Christopher Hitchens, Dan Barker, etc. I can name you all of these names. “This is all silly, a homeless man is insane saying the same as a preacher, I can’t believe grown adults believe this, we as as species should outgrow this from the infancy of our evolution, it’s poisonous, it devalues people, it leads to theocracy, it allows us to abdicate morality and responsibility, people wouldn’t believe it if they weren’t taught it as children, the problem of evil,” the list goes on and on. It’s always the same arguments, I’ve heard all of this before. But I can’t stop. Indulging the compulsions makes the compulsions stronger. I even returned to the thread that started this whole mess at DVD Talk. I can’t stop. I physically and psychologically feel like I cannot fucking stop. It’s a twisted paradox. This isn’t altogether new. Back in my high school years, a single bad review of a film I liked could torpedo my whole day, as I’d obsessively search through message boards, reviews, etc. One person disagreed with me! Everything I believe is a lie!

What I can’t get over is the fact that these obsessions, frustrations, and anxiety attacks are attached to something different from my own personal philosophy. As someone who isn’t a hardcore theist anyway, why does this bother me? Why didn’t it bother me when I heard it on House, Bones, or True Detective for years? As previously outlined, I have never attempted to participate in any discussion regarding my own personal beliefs, nor do I believe that my own Catholic upbringing (and broad beliefs) constitute the “true” answer. In metaphysical and philosophical terms, I believe there are many paths to spiritual understanding, religion and faith being powerful ones for many, but by no means the only ones. My mother, another guy I know, their faith is powerful, giving them strength and purpose. I don’t describe it as “silly,” or mock it. I don’t believe the Bible has the answer to everything in life, so why am I upset with people criticizing those who do? As I’ve outlined, I have no patience for bigotry or homophobia inherent in many nasty aspects of this, and my own views are much more progressive, but it doesn’t constitute reason for me to wish to fight against it. It gave me community, love, family, morality, education. No, of course I don’t believe that without it, I wouldn’t have those things. I could. No, of course I don’t believe that atheism equals immorality. It doesn’t. Nor do I believe in many of the social or political positions of the church, or defend many of its immoral actions throughout history. All the same, neither do I feel the need to focus only on this when there are positives as well. I see an inherent complexity to much of this without easy answers. Beyond all of this, it’s an important part of my own cultural upbringing, and I’m not interested in chucking it all out. Nor do I use it as a condemnation of other people for sexual and personal reasons, etc. I remain fairly non-judgmental in these regards. I don’t need to become Christopher Hitchens, nor do I have to take his own ideas as mine. But I can stop repeating what I heard in my head, over and over, like a CD on repeat, racking through my mind. As my therapist pointed out, people with other viewpoints will always be out there. These videos are always going to be accessible on the Internet. The kind of activists are always going to be active. I have to learn to live with this, because there isn’t Any way to simply forget it or push it away. I prefer to focus on the morality and kindness of a person’s actions than whether they offered them in the name of religion, humanism, or any other philosophy. As outlined in previous pages, my own is very compatible and fairly even. I am not interested in fighting against religion. I would never judge a person for belief or disbelief, of loss of faith in the face of loss of the problem of evil. That’s fine. I both respect and understand that, and I used to be comfortable with allowing it to coexist with own personal philosophy.

I just can’t understand why someone criticizing something different from my own beliefs, and only partially since I agree with some of the criticisms, constitutes a reason to for me to become so upset. It’s nonsensical to me. Why can’t I just go into my mind, put this on a shelf, and move on with my own life? Why must I have anxiety attacks seeing crosses around peoples’ necks or hearing religious references in X-Men films? I’m tired of this. It was such a beautiful day today. Just gorgeous. Stunning. The sun was shining, it was warm, I got to spend time with my loving family, I’m on paid vacation, I have an air-conditioned, comfortable home, supportive mental health professionals. Why can’t I concentrate on that? Why must I instead bear this burden?

I know that it’s important to have realistic expectations. I do understand this. I have only had a few sessions with my new therapist, and only been on my mildly adjusted medication for a few days. But I’m trying. I really feel like I’m trying. I tried to resist the compulsions with the breathing excercises he gave me, but they didn’t work. Even when they did, the compulsion came back stronger. I tried going out with a friend the other night. I tired going to a movie. I tried watching a show on my DVR. I tried watching my Redbox disc. But it feels like it’s all for nothing. It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.

What in my mind is even my own anymore? What do I really think? If these compulsions, depression, anxiety, Aspergers can be this all-consuming, this powerful, this controlling, where is Mike in all of this? What’s left of me? How can I trust my own mind? If these things can control me, what even defines me? This is so stupid. So silly. Why can’t I just stop? Why am I drawn to these things which never bothered me before? Can the medicine even help? Can the therapy? Why can’t I focus my attention on the aforementioned real-life issues? Why can I refocus my obsessions towards happier times when I could instead obsessively read the Final Fantasy Wiki or behind-the-scenes stories about kaiju films? Why can’t I enjoy the things I used to love, the things which brought me passion and happiness? What in God’s name is happening to me?

Here come the compulsions again. It’s like having my mind hijacked. I can’t fight. This is effecting everything: what little virginal libido I have, my appetite, my sleep Schedule, God only knows how I’m going to function when I have to go back to work. I just can’t keep fighting this pointless, losing fight. I don’t know what the fuck to do. As I’ve said, I’m not a praying, Bible-reading kind anyway. Why does this bother me? Why can’t I stop? What’s happening to me?!

I a health feel better after I do this for like five minutes. Same after therapy sessions. Isiah I could make it last.

Fucking hell, it’s 2:00 in the morning and the compulsion came on strong as hell, and damn did I indulge it. As outlined above, I know that as “problems” go, I shouldn’t be attaching so much to this one, but I hate this crap. I feel like it’s fucking destroying me, and it’s literally controlling me. I’m going to try to sleep again. It’s just so frustrating to feel this happening. I’m so tired of this, it’s hard to feel like I’ll ever be better.

Darth Lucas said:

Mike O said:

I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.

Don’t even think like that man. I’ve dealt with my fair share of mental problems that I won’t share here, I’m mostly better and it’s not important, but one of my best friends suffers from many mental disabilities, OCD being the main one and (not that cancer isn’t serious, but) OCD and other mental illnesses are in my experience much more debilitating and hard to deal with.

Knowing as much as I do about the many conditions I have, I definitely know that I got off fairly lightly. Aspergers, OCD, anxiety, and depression can have effects to horrific to think about for some people. Man, do a quick Google search, you’ll see it destroy lives, families, relationships, and lots of other things. I got off lightly. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating, but I have to admit, it doesn’t exactly make me feel great when I think about how operatic I’ve made my own lesser problems.

I understand how it feels to feel like your problems aren’t really important when compared to other people’s issues. Skin cancer, when compared to other cancers, is really not that serious and is much easier to live with and treat, so I always feel a bit of guilt putting myself in the same category as those dealing with lung cancer, or breast cancer, or something more serious.

Hey, man, I want to say the same thing to you that you did to me, and that’s not to worry about that. Cancer is about as scary a thing as I’d like to imagine, so do whatever you can to fight, and fight like hell. I sure hope that you’re strong enough to beat it and that you get the help you need.

What you need to remember though, is that even if you feel other people have it worse, that doesn’t devalue your own struggles or invalidate them. Your life is valuable and if something, anything, is getting in the way of living your life, it should be taken extremely seriously.

Hell, thanks, man. I went out again with a buddy tonight to pizza and the movies. X-Men: Apocalypse deals with a lot of these themes in a very genre way (gods, Angels, mythology), so it wasn’t thrilling to have this stuff put so blatantly, but all the same, I did try. My mind did start a lot of buzzing: “It says BCE! I remember all of this ‘religion is dying’ talk! Look how this stuff ties into all of these important cultural aspects though! Blah, blah, blah.”

I have such a small social circle that it’s hard to do this kind of stuff. That’s not a criticism of my friends or anything, hell, far from it. But I do at least recognize that staying at home alone isn’t the best thing for this. The compulsions started spiking again when I got home, and that wasn’t exactly fun. I slept in until almost 2:00 today. Damn, man, this stuff messes with my appetite, what little libido my virginal self has, and my life in general. I used to think that well, if I did stuff to get away from it, I was just running from it, but more broadly, I think that it’s healthy too. OCD by definition isn’t rational, so doing something that can force my attention away from it is probably positive. I’ve reacquainted myself with Final Fantasy VI too, one of my all-time favorite things, and that repetition does give me a little comfort and structure. One of the things I’ve come to realize on a more personal level is that when I was in school-and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I was a damn good student, and diligent-I had very specific structure. I guess it made my life purposeful: study for this exam, think about this class, get an A. I guess I naively thought that once I got out of school, there’d be some sort of reward. Obviously, life doesn’t fucking work that way, and I think it got me directionless after that. I don’t know where to start looking for anything new at this point, I’ve been stag an and stuck so long. My grandfather just turned 82, I live in fear of losing him. You can bet I’ll be spending some of my vacation time with him. God willing he still has a few more years at least. No one thinking about an afterlife scares the hell out of me.

I know it’s fiction, but you can only see so many stories about adolescent sexual awakening before you think you missed a major part of life. Fuck, I’ll be 29 next week. “I want to lose my virginity, I’m questioning my religion, I’m awakening to different politics than my family’s, maybe I could be an activist, I should move out of my parents’ house, maybe I should learn to play an instrument, maybe I could write a book,” this shit is supposed to happen when you’re 18 so you fucking know where you want your life to go, not when you’re over a quarter of the way through it! I’m a fucking Lena Dunham millennial cliche. Pissed away so much of my youth now that it almost feels hard to think I could move forward.

Why can’t I focus on this instead of being upset and obsessive about atheists and such who have no bearing on my life or my own views? Shit, there’s a place for existnstial crises, but I think my therapist is 100% right to try to shift the focus towards these things. I think it’s true that many “existential problems” are a mask for nuts-and-bolts issues that people make operatic because they can’t solve them. I mean God, I’m telling them to strangers on the Internet (Incidentally, I’m supposed to be hanshotfirst1138. I don’t know how I wound up as Mike O to this day.). My doc is right about how I have to learn, especially with my overactive mind, about the overstimulation of the Information Age. Man, I can only imagine how hard it makes his job. Shrinks these days must have an insane job.

Sorry for all of this. It’s rambling, I know, but it feels good to unscramble sometimes. At least it gets all of this down, and some of it out. Sorry, everybody. I guess at least I’ve organized this a bit. I hope my ramblings aren’t too irritating. I feel a little better, at least temporarily. Not a lot, but it did feel good to get that out. Goddamn. That did feel good. Won’t last, but it felt good.

EDIT: Didn’t last. The compulsion struck again while lying in bed. God Almighty.

Tyrphanax said:

As I’ve said before, your “worst day” is still your worst day, even if someone else has had an even worse day than you ever have. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel like other people have it worse (not to belittle your problems, Darth Lucas).

I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.

Your meds won’t start kicking in for a few weeks, so you’re probably just having a rough day or two. That’ll always happen. It happens to all of us! You could be experiencing some reverse-placebo effect where your anxiety about the new dosage makes you feel like its not helping, too. Just stick out the next few weeks until it has a chance to actually take hold.

Like I said, it’s a very small increase, so it’s odd that it should be having an effect. I’m inclined to believe this is something psychosomatic at most, the idea that a very small spike in medication could have an effect after 48 hours just doesn’t seem scientifically feasible. Obviously, you have to go slowly (this increase may not do anything at all), and it takes time, but fuck, that’s hard when you’re suffering.

The thing about OCD is that it’s an irrational thing. You know the truth, you know you don’t actually need to go through your rituals, you know where you stand on theology and your opinions are concrete and you don’t need to keep debating it, but you can’t help yourself. That’s just the way OCD works. Just try to avoid the situations where you’re obsessing and if you find yourself in one, do your best to get out of it. But don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, because you can cause hopelessness doing that, and that’ll make it worse. Just try again next time.

I do keep trying, but with little success. I even tried the breathing stuff he told me about, with no success. I’m supposed to control my mind. I’m supposed to make decisions. I’m supposed to decide what I think and what I’m thinking about. It’s not supposed to control me. It’s scary.

Writing always helps me, and so keeping a journal is a great idea, especially because you can record your thoughts in the moment and show them to your therapist without forgetting details and whatnot. Great idea!

Yeah, shame it was his and not mine 😉, But I’ll do it and show it to him.

You’re fighting hard, and you’re doing a good job of it. Keep it up.

I know. I just had another episode. It’s just fucking frustrating as hell. I want to enjoy life again, enjoy movies again, be able to watch stuff, read stuff, not have anxiety attacks when I pass churches. I wish I had a more eloquent or articulate way of phrasing it than saying that it “hijacks my brain,” but I don’t. I don’t mind this obsessive curiosity, I just prefer it when it’s directed at comics or movies or other things besides this. At least that was fun.

I’ve had several slips in the last few hours. It just feels like I can’t fucking stop, and it’s driving me crazy!!