Mike O

Chewtobacca said:

Mike O said:
I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity…
…I feel like a relapsing drug addict.

That is indeed an effective analogy. What you are going through has the hallmarks of anxiety, depression, and obsession, but it’s also in some ways like addiction. Addicts have to be mindful of people, places, and paraphernalia.

Well, that’s humiliating, but given how I just had another slip-up again a few minutes ago, I might be forced to conclude that you have a point. I more or less fought one off last night when I went to bed, but getting up again brought them all on again. I just feel so weak now. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. And I have to get up at 5:00 tomorrow to go back to work. Just great.

EDIT: Put the phone upstairs to eat. When my parents left for church, I slipped with the computer. God.

I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity. I went out with my friends again today and had a couple more episodes when I ducked into the bathroom. I feel like a relapsing drug addict. I wish I knew why this was happening and that I could control it, or when understand it. It’s my birthday tomorrow, what a lovely present. God, this is hellish. I go back to work the next day. This feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a bottle of Ice Mountain. It’s just so frustrating, it feels like it’s not worth fighting. I don’t know anymore.

moviefreakedmind said:

Mike O said:

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

Get rid of your computer and smartphone.

The computer belongs to my parents with whom I live. As for the phone, in spite of the compulsions, I use it for all kinds of things besides the compulsions: this, lots of stuff that I read, checking online for various things, some related to my Job, etc. Even then, with how late I’m staying up, I could probably play with my dad’s at night anyway.

I had more attacks this morning. It’s just endless. I’ve been raising my medicine, getting tested, having intense therapy, excercising, but it just feels like all of my work is for naught, like I can’t win. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so defeated.

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

The compulsions finally fired up again a few minutes ago. Man, I took my meds today, ate more than usual, saw my therapist, even went for a long walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sunlight, but in the end, I couldn’t fight. God, it’s discouraging. I know, I resisted longer this time, that’s a victory, but it can’t help but feel hollow in light of this. I have to go back to work in a few days. This is not how I wanted to spend my vacation.

I want to thank everyone here for all of your continued kindness and support. This may be an odd way of getting things out or seeking some kind of help, but everyone here has been willing to listen, offer honest advice, and keep believing in me and reminding me how important it is to keep fighting no matter how hard it is, and no matter how pointless it sometimes feels. I should offer up a lot more than Just thanks, which I sadly cannot, but I do offer them all the same. So thanks.

Saw my new therapist again today. He’s very kind, experienced, and obviously smart. I gave a journal of sorts that I’ve been keeping of some things I actually typed out during my worst episodes. Not pleasant, but he’s a therapist, I’m sure he’s seen plenty worse. I know, it’s his job, I have to be honest. It was a nice talk, and he did a good job of pointing out some things about the nature of the attacks, about the logical conclusions of some circular thoughts (EG If these thoughts led me to any hard-line atheism, which as I’ve pointed out, is not my own viewpoint, since I’ve already decided not only my own views, but that I would never be a fighter against religion, that even if I watched these things for 72 hours straight without sleeping, it wouldn’t matter since I’ve already outlined my own philosophy, and even if I came to different beliefs, I still have to go on with my own life. It made sense, but as I pointed out to him, it’s hard to reason with thoughts and behaviors you know to be irrational and unhealthy. It’s impossible to stop the circle.). Got some blood work done yesterday to look at thyroid, medical possibilities, etc. (and I’m here to tell you, I do not like needles. Gah.), and it’s been a little over a week since the medication got bumped. He pointed out that it’s two weeks at minimum before I’m likely to see those effects. He is trying hard to get to the root of these problems: <b>why</b> does his bother me, why am I afraid of these thoughts, why can’t I direct these worries towards energizing myself towards things which clearly do make me happy, enrich my life, etc. Why not worry about not liking my job, doing more fulfilling things, as opposed to the problem of evil, etc. I told him he wasn’t wrong, but that I couldn’t find a way out of the irrational feedback loop. Does knowing you’re insane make you less insane? It’s such a gorgeous day. So beautiful. A gorgeous sun, a cool breeze. I wish I could appreciate it more. I’ve starts trying to take my medicine with food, but this is such havoc on my appetite that I’m eating less, and less healthy when I do, and I didn’t eat healthy to being with. Oh, and this my be gross TMI, but why is my libido up? Aren’t SSRIs supposed to push it down and decrease it? Being horny is getting kind of annoying.

Bingowings said:

I for one am glad you are writing this. It must be very difficult and bizarre for you fathom let alone explain. On the surface an addiction to watching anything would sound silly compared to a substance abuse problem.

It’s unbelievably silly, or it would be if it was so fucking scary.

Addiction to porn would be easier to fathom. That it is an addiction to theological discussion videos and it’s clearly having such a debilitating effect on you would be something I would find difficult to explain to a stranger.

Hell, I can barely explain it to myself. It’s so insane.

That you are and so eloquently is an astounding testament to the human capacity to survive even the strangest of maladies.

Thank you. I am quite flattered.

I would recommend you transfer your phone sim to a dumb phone.

Can I do that with a smartphone? How could I transfer it back? I’ll be honest, I use my phone for a lot, starting with this kind of stuff. It might be hard to be without it. And even then, given that I have access to all of this stuff when I get home, it seems self-defeating.

Having easy access to these films is leaving you open to indulge these impulses on the go. I am concerned that your emotional state in these circumstances coupled with use of a car could end in possible tragedy. If your phone has no video capabilities you will have to come home to abide your urge to watch these films and you will not be emotionally vulnerable in a public place.

My therapist has actually talked a little about this, in the information, there is literal access to millions of videos, books, etc, and he talked about how important it can be to be selective or unplug. Being a therapist in this day and age must be frightening, and he pointed out, it’s only going to get worse. I wish I could heed his advice.

Chewtobacca said:

Bingowings is right. You have to change your telephone. Get your family, friends, and colleagues to help you restrict your access to these videos. I mentioned this early in the thread and feel it’s a step that you should really try to take at this stage.

That sounds possible, but hard. The compulsions are strong that I don’t know what I’d do during a nine-hour shift at work if I couldn’t indulge them, the effect could be unpleasant.

And we may be strangers on the internet, but that doesn’t stop us from genuinely caring about your welfare or from being here for you as much as we can be. Stay in touch.

Thanks. It’s odd, but I like the kindness, and you guys are appreciative and kind.

Bingowings said:

Mike O said:

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

I’m not trying to undermine your confidence but distress is distracting, it alters your brain chemistry. It’s not as dangerous as drink driving but it will lower your usual levels of decision making by heightening the fight or flight response. It’s the adrenaline. So seriously consider moving to a dumb phone and if things are really tense leave the car parked over night and use public transport. Even if you feel you can drive.

No worthwhile public transit where I reside, unfortunately. This has never happened this badly before, so I am more than a little frightened.

Tyrphanax said:

I do definitely second the above posts.

Bring your access to these videos up with your therapist, see what they recommend about your phone and computer. You should definitely bring up this post with them in that context.

I copied that post and put it in the journal he’s telling me to keep. Can’t imagine what he’ll think when he reads it.

You’re going through a darker time than usual right now. They will happen, but the important thing to remember is that you’ll make it through them. We’re all here for you!

Shit, many, I know. But I’ve been working hard to try to stop this: exercise, blood work, medicine, therapy, socializing. And it feels worse instead of better. It’s so goddamn frustrating.

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

Went out for a car trip or significant length to get something from the library. Wound up firing up some videos and listening to them while I drove. 30 minutes or so. I still have a ways to go before I get home, I’m parked in a lot right now. The days of fighting anything are gone. I see my new doc again tomorrow, and I’ll tell him about this, but I think that I’m fucked. I’m actually crying in the parking spot. I feel like everything is in shambles now, and irreparable. I haven’t eaten since last night. I have to go back to work in a few days. I don’t know what to do. I can’t control this. I can’t. It controls me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I…I feel like it’s all too much to even think about. I just want to think about something else. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy something, to entertain myself, to feel happy, to have some sort of comfort back. God, I’m still crying. And I’m writing all of this for strangers on the Internet, because I don’t know what else to do if I can’t get it out. Why can’t I just stay asleep? Why? Waking up is becoming a horror show. God, please, help me. I made my peace with all of this long ago. I don’t need this. I don’t deserve this. Please, make it stop. The compulsions are still there. Make them fucking stop. After all that’s happened her rattling in my mind, I can’t imagine I can ever be fixed. I have to go home and eat and take my medicine, I had to fast for the blood Test. But I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel much of anything besides these compulsions, anxiety, and depression. I want food to taste good again.

Went in for some blood and urine work today. They tested for the thyroid too, which is good. Who knows how long it’ll take before They send the results to my NP and what she’ll say. Can’t imagine it’s anything out of the ordinary, but can’t hurt.

Watched the video several more times. This compulsiveness is getting insane. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, but God only knows at this point. It’s like Groundhog Day in hell.

EDIT: First thing when I woke up this morning, the compulsions came on.

He’ll sure see some unpleasantness, but hopefully it’ll give him a picture. Not a picture I like, but he’s a therapist, so at least he’ll see the truth. I know, I know, therapists have seen worse, I get it. That’s his job.

Actually, I have been copying, pasting, and dating many of my posts here (editing the language a little) as the journal he’s been telling me to keep. Don’t know if it’s what he had in mind or not, but I’m going to show it to him.

Well, today was one of my worst ever. The compulsions got so bad that I was repeatedly checking an infamous video of Dan Barker getting kicked off of Fox News for being critical of a nativity scene and strongly criticizing Christianity. I’ve seen it at least a dozen times, and the compulsion to keep returning to it worsens every time. He whole point of OCD is that satiating the compulsions makes you temporarily relieved! What is happening?! Yes, I found the wording unpleasant and strong, but who cares? I also made the mistake of looking at the FFRF’s many lawsuits. Which again, is fine. It doesn’t effect me. I’m a firm believer in free speech, and he’s entitled to say those things. Moreover, as I’ve outlined, I’m much more sympathetic with the politics on the opposite side and am not deeply religious. I just don’t get why this is happening to my mind. I’ve outlined my own views on thee issues in previous pages at length. These other viewpoints need to be allowed to be out there, need to be allowed to be said, and I have repeatedly voted in favor of people being allowed to say these things. Yep. I heard that. Why can’t I move on with my life, think about something else, enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I still feel the compulsions even now. It’s insane. It literally controls me. What the hell is happening? My God, I feel like I’m going insane! I can STILL feel the compulsion, even now.

The Making of a Legend: Gone With the Wind- Tremendously enjoyable documentary about the production on David Selznick’s famous Hollywood epic, covering lots of behind-the scenes stories about the excessive budget, the shifting directors, the pig casting process, the public response, the cultural climate, and a marvelous look at Hollywood’s golden age. Very interesting, though unfortunately the version on the Blu-ray seems to have been taken from a very bad SD master.

Went to get a blood test today, but apparently you’re supposed to fast beforehand. Oops. I still have the info I need, I guess I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m going to see if they’ll check my thyroid too, can’t figure they’ll say no. It’s worth a shot. My family are really hurt from not being able to help, my mother says she’d take it from me if she could. I’m out with a friend again today for a few hours. I’m trying. I really am.

EDIT: Well, had foood for the first time since last night, only to find out that I have to fast before the test. I know, should be obvious. When I went into the restroom at my buddy’s house, I started to watch some anti-religion videos in the fucking bathroom. I think this is way past the point of being uncontrollable.

EDIT 2: Obsessively started reading about the freedom from religion foundation’s many lawsuits and battles. Man, the compulsions are not only more numerous, but they’re stronger. When things feel like they’re getting worse, it’s hard to imagine that they’ll ever get better. Now I’m on “the damage is done, I can never unread this” feedback loop. It’s just like every time I try to move out of the quicksand, I sink deeper.

Bingowings said:

How is your physical health? Is your blood pressure being measured? You have been finding food unenjoyable but are you still forcing yourself to eat healthy food and drink enough fluids?

I’m going in for a physical examination today. I do drink a lot of fluids (it’s hot where I am), but this is hell on my appetite, and I am eating a lot less and spending a ton of time in bed crippled by it, frequently sleeping through giant chunks of the day. God only knows what I’ll do when I have to go back to wood next week. TMI, but what I do eat has tended to be bad for my stomach and I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom. Hopefully that wasn’t vulgar.

I am fighting. I had a rather strong fight with my compulsion earlier. I don’t know how long I fought it before I indulged it-it felt like an hour-but it was pretty defeating. Even if I can fight them off, they come back. It just makes it feel like it’s not a winnable or worthwhile fight.

Today has been rough. Lots of attacks, and getting harder to fight. I’m going in for a physical exam tomorrow for blood work, etc. to see if there’s any physical cause. I doubt it, but at this point, it’s hard to think anything could make it worse.

My shrink left a message for me, he had something come up and had to reschedule for later in the week. So it goes, I suppose. Not thrilled, but he could be sick, have a family issue, any number of problems. It’s not like seeing him would be a cure-all or anything either, but I’m so frustrated. I had another attack. Why can’t I just sleep? Had another had meltdown. Good God.

I wish I could offer a comment or depth or insight about the unfair cruelty of the world, but I cannot, so I’ll just say this was a sad tragedy, and that he will be missed. I hope for the best for those who knew him, though I can’t imagine any thigh which could ease their pain. RIP, man. I sure hope there’s a better place, but if there’s not, then thanks for what you have us in this one.

Got another appointment with my new shrink tomorrow. Have been on the new dosage for four or five days now, I’m sure it’ll take longer if it does anything. I went out with the family for Father’s Day, ate out with them, did some talking, and then when I got home, decided to talk a walk. The compulsions came on like a storm while I was on my walk, so still not much luck. I don’t even know what to think anymore, much less what to do. I’m going to tell him the truth tomorrow: that even with the effort I’m putting in, I don’t feel like I’m getting any better. I don’t know how he’ll react or how I’ll tell him. I copied some of the stuff I’ve been writing here to show him as sort of journal pages, I’ll print it out before my session tomorrow. I know I’ve barely even been at the therapy for two weeks. I know I haven’t even been on the new meds for a week. I get that. I do. And I get that the time I spend in bed with mind in a feedback loop, curled up with a Gameboy game and some audiobooks thay used to be familiar ways to comfort myself don’t constitute the best way of facing this problem. I do know that. But I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been trying. I’ve gone out several times, walked several times, tried to get some stuff out several times, even watched a few TV episodes and a movie to try to push against this thing. But I just don’t feel like I’m making progress. The times I have felt any better eventually waned and were outnumbered by the times I felt worse. I’ll see what he says after tomorrow’s session. I even tried the breathing excercises he gave me and the massage excercises my mother’s friend’s therapist taught her that she showed me. I just feel like it’s like trying to fight a forest fire with a water bottle. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so goddamn frustrated.

Edit: see, I feel better for like five minutes after I do this, then it’s back to hell.

Depression so bad that I slept through literally most of the day. This is fucking fun. I’m going to try and eat something. Hopefully it’ll give my metabolism a little kick.

Edit 06/19: Managed to watch some TV last night/this morning, then the compulsions came back in the morning and more slip-ups. Sleeping more and more. Have another session with my new shrink tomorrow. I wish I could tell him I was better. I very sincerely wish I could.

Got up this morning, took my meds, then went back to bed. Head has been buzzing pretty much nonstop. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep with my constant obsessiveness running before finally reindulgin gone compulsions again. I want to fucking cry. I’m tired of this shit, man. I want to feel a LITTLE better, why can’t I?

Tyrphanax said:

It’s very important when you’re writing stuff to show your therapist that you catch yourself in the moment when it’s at its worst, that way they can accurately understand how you’re being affected and how you feel in the moment and all of that.

I think that’s the most frustrating part. I can stand back and look at it and not feel that way when I’m more lucid, but then when I’m not so much, it’s like the frightening stuff above.

Also, maybe you should get into writing movie reviews? Your posts in the review thread are always interesting and well-written with what seems like a decent amount of insight. Just a random thought.

Hell, I’ve wanted to do that for years! Hell, it’s something my family have all repeatedly. I hope I’m not being arrogant when I say that I can do it pretty well. But every asshole with a blog wants to now, and every pro I’ve asked has to me that it’s not the kind of thing I’m likely to get paid for nowadays.

Tyrphanax said:

I hope you’re writing this down to show the therapist!

Hang in there, buddy. It’ll get easier as time and work go on.

You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Copy and paste this stuff and make it a little more coherent and show it to him. Thay can’t hurt. Opening the first page of the AV Club, where I usually like hanging out, was probably the worst thing I could’ve done given the article and comments.