Went out for a car trip or significant length to get something from the library. Wound up firing up some videos and listening to them while I drove. 30 minutes or so. I still have a ways to go before I get home, I’m parked in a lot right now. The days of fighting anything are gone. I see my new doc again tomorrow, and I’ll tell him about this, but I think that I’m fucked. I’m actually crying in the parking spot. I feel like everything is in shambles now, and irreparable. I haven’t eaten since last night. I have to go back to work in a few days. I don’t know what to do. I can’t control this. I can’t. It controls me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I…I feel like it’s all too much to even think about. I just want to think about something else. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy something, to entertain myself, to feel happy, to have some sort of comfort back. God, I’m still crying. And I’m writing all of this for strangers on the Internet, because I don’t know what else to do if I can’t get it out. Why can’t I just stay asleep? Why? Waking up is becoming a horror show. God, please, help me. I made my peace with all of this long ago. I don’t need this. I don’t deserve this. Please, make it stop. The compulsions are still there. Make them fucking stop. After all that’s happened her rattling in my mind, I can’t imagine I can ever be fixed. I have to go home and eat and take my medicine, I had to fast for the blood Test. But I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel much of anything besides these compulsions, anxiety, and depression. I want food to taste good again.

Went in for some blood and urine work today. They tested for the thyroid too, which is good. Who knows how long it’ll take before They send the results to my NP and what she’ll say. Can’t imagine it’s anything out of the ordinary, but can’t hurt.