Mike O

Tyrphanax said:

Yeah, it’s never fun when life shits on you all at once.

It’s good to vent, believe me. I’m a big venter, and it always helps me to not suffer in silence. Don’t apologize!

Hey, man, you’re a good listener, and seem altogether compassionate with the plights of others even here on this forum. That’s a good, kind perspective that the world could use a lot more of. I wish good luck to him as well, and hope he can find support both financial and emotional for his suffering, and that he comes out of it with that. We can all offer minor emotional support, but he requires more than that in his own life, and hopefully

On my end, I’ve only been on my very mildly adjusted meds for two days and I feel worse rather than better. I know that it’s probably not even scientifically possible for my body’s biochemistry to be that affected by a minor mediation adjustment in such a short space of time. But damned if it doesn’t feel that way, and it’s just fucking frustrating. I think my compulsions have worsened recently too. I have another appointment with my new therapist Monday. I tried the breathing excercise he gave to me, but it didn’t help when the compulsions hit, unfortunately. I have a lockable notebook coming in the mail that I’m going to try to write in and give to him next session. I have put in a lot of effort: some excercise, a new therapist, and adjustment to my medication, these breathing excercises. And I know that it’s important not to have unreasonable expectations and that this is a long process, and the fact that I have at least had some progress shows that this is not only worth fighting for, but it’s just so goddamned hard. As I’ve said, I was never a hard-liner on any of these theological issues, so I don’t understand why this sudden obsessiveness has become so powerful and all-consuming. My therapist said this to me excellently: “You have clearly formulated your own philosophical and spiritual beliefs compatible with your own worldview which doesn’t seem to impinge on any others. I think that in reading and watching all of these things, you’ve taken what you’re going to take from all of this, and further examination doesn’t seem to be in any way benefiting you.”

This is eloquent and excellently said, but I think that it’s just not penetrating me. I mean yes, it makes sense to me, to the point that I can articulate it here, but the constant desire to obsess and check, to obsess and obsess and obsess seems to have stuck itself to me. I want to enjoy life again! I want to love the things I used to love passionately again, to not fear waking up or constantly have to think about fighting this. It’s just so frustrating. Then man, I look at someone here, struggling with real financial problems, actual cancer, so many real-world problems that show mine for just how petty and foolish they are, how small, and frustrates me so much that I simply can’t fight them and kick them. I’m sorry, man. And I hope that you deal with your real-life issues, and they sure put mine in perspective. I wish I could.

I’m on line at the DMV. Only there more hours! And I haven’t eaten!

I’m on line at the DMV. Only there more hours! And I haven’t eaten!

I’m playing the GBA remake of Final Fantasy VI, one of my favorite things ever. I never get tired of it, and the changes for the GBA version actually improve it.

Saw the prescribing doc today. She gave me a mild boost to my meds (obviously you have to do it slowly, I learned the hard way when I was first being prescribed it that too much can be horrifically bad too), and I only ingested them a few hours ago. She gave me some info so I can look into having some medical examinations done too, which I’m not against considering that it’s been a long, long time since I have. Sadly, the twitchy compulsions still came on strong when I got home, but my therapist is having me look at breathing exercises and some sort of “homework” regarding my own writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. It’s a reminder that I’m going to have to put in some effort. A lot of effort. When you’re hurting, it is frustrating to think how much time it takes to heal, and how much effort you have to put in. It’s not the kind of thing where you simply are able to solve the issue, I know. It’s a constant fight, and it’s one that you have to fight personally in your own mind (and dare I say soul) every day. And man, that sounds grandiose, but it sure is hard. The slip-ups when I got home weren’t encouraging, but let’s hope the tweaking of the meds will have some positive effects. How long will that take? I’m not sure. But longer than a few hours, Mike.

EDIT: A few hours later. Oh, not good. Not good. I hope the medicine isn’t making things worse. Oh, not good.

EDIT 2: Fucking hell. Another attack. I tried the breathing technique my doc taught me to ride out the brunt of it, but didn’t work, airplanes indulged it. God dammit. I know, I know, let the biochemistry balance, takes days, but good God, I’m so tired of this. This is not how I want to spend my vacation.

EDIT 3: And again. It just feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight trying to fight this.

EDIT 4: So much for it getting better at night…

And again…

And again…

I see a pattern here…

Does anyone know of a site which would do retro video game repairs? I have an old NDS with a broken hinge. It’s not a huge deal, but if the price is small, I’d like to fix it as opposed to spend a fortune on a new one.

PS: I wish the DS or GBA had a turbo mode for RPG play through.

Tyrphanax said:

It’s funny, because you come back here and tell us how you feel like you’re losing this fight, but every time you report your progress I’m always surprised and delighted at how much better you seem to be doing.

You even fought off an “attack” tonight by going out and leaving your phone! That’s great news! Try to focus on that victory than the fact that you didn’t do so well later.

You really do seem to be doing much better, and it sounds like your therapist is decent as well. Keep it up!

Thanks, man. To you and others. I appreciate your confidence and kindness, all of you.

Tyrphanax said:

Mike O said:

Fucking Hulu took Voltron down! Motherfucker.

Probably because of the new Voltron series on Netflix.

Almost certainly, but you’d think that Netflix would’ve put the old series to hype it.

While we’re whining about first world problems, the only way to get English-subtitled Dragon Ball Z in the right ratio is this fucking Dragon Boxes that cost more than a Corvette on the aftermarket.

Fucking Hulu took Voltron down! Motherfucker.

SilverWook said:

Smithers said:

Batman: The Movie ?/10

I don’t know how to rate it and I don’t know why I watched it. Check it out if you like weird hammy movies I guess but otherwise skip it.

It’s called camp. And it was all the rage in the 60’s. Also, Adam West is the dogdamn Batman. To me anyway. 😉

As a child of the Bruce Timm Post-Crisis era, I have to admit that I prefer my Batman dark, noir, and brooding, but I’ve met tons of Batfans who love Adam West and who cite him as their favorite rendition of the Caped Crusader. He may not be my preferred rendition, but I don’t think that devalues him, and for many, he’s the best Batman of all. Me, there’s a limit to how much camp I can take 😉.

Standing the Shadows of Motown- Yeah, I’m from Detroit, so I’m biased, but seriously, watch this. It’s an absolutely wonderful documentary about the Motown Records Sound’s house band the Funk Brothers. A fascinating look at the cultural intersection where Motown existed, the sad but exuberant story of the musicians who crafted such masterful music, and a celebration of their art. Watch this. Now. It’s on Amazon Instant Video and Hulu. Watch it.

Had another session today. They guy is definitely putting in all of the effort to help me, no question about that. He tried again (I think quite wisely) to steer the session towards a much more intelligent points about my personal dissatisfactions and how I should look towards practical things: my friendships, where I want to go in life, how to apply my passions and intelligence, attempts at becoming more communal (he talked about joining a local rec center), seeing what options are available related to my education. He pointed out that in my OCD episodes, I’m obsessively watching various debates about topics I’ve already mined pretty throughly and formulated my own personal and spiritual beliefs towards. He articulated it well saying that I’ve basically taken what I can take-good, bad, and otherwise-from these things, so why continue to obsess. He also gave me this diaphragm breathing technique which is supposed to serve to calm the anxiety. He says to practice it, and maybe a little writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. I’ll give both a shot. I have an early appointment with my NP tomorrow too, hopefully the dosage adjustment won’t be to complex.

Unfortunately, the attacks just won’t let up. I came home and spent some kind time with my father, and when I felt the compulsion coming on, I even literally left the house for a hopefully endorphin-releasing walking and left my phone here! I was gone a while, came Home to my dad for more conversation, but I still just felt like I wasn’t strong enough. The compulsion came, and I still started with it when he went to bed. I’ve watched all of these things endlessly, and having outlined my own personal philosophy in the previous pages, as well as the real problems I should be focusing on, it’s just so frustrating to continue to have this keep hijacking my brain and keep having to fight this. Every time I do, it seems to come back even stronger. It just feels like it always defeats me. I’ve been retreating back into one of my all-time favorite old video games and mixing it with some Enjoyable audiobooks in an attempt I curb it, but it’s so brutal sometimes. I’m better than I was, I know, but it’s hard to feel pride in progress when these relapses are so strong. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m kicking and screaming against this thing: I got about halfway through a TV episode and part of the way through a movie, but the compulsions came biting before I could finish. They can put a broken leg in a cast, they can give you antibiotics for a sickness, but this is different. It’s a hard battle. I’m trying, but dammit, it feels like I’m shooting blanks sometimes.

The Conjuring 2- Wan continues to have little flair for dialogue (“This is as close to hell as I ever want to be!”) or characterization, but he sure has a way with jump scares, stunning digital cinematography, and sound design. Too long, derivative, and sometimes cheesy, but moody, kinetic, and exciting.

Fuck me, I’m tired of this. The compulsions are back again. I did manage to start up on a movie, but didn’t get far. I’m sick of these fucking things controlling my brain. I am on vacation for these two weeks, which is nice. I see my new therapist tomorrow and my prescribing doc Tuesday morning to look into my changing meds. Gotta keep fighting, I know, but it’s frustrating.

The Donner cut feels too incomplete (both have a rath weak ending), but I like the more serious tone and the elimination of a lot of the outright silliness from the Lester cut. I don’t think either one is ideal though.

Fuck me, another strong-ass episode. I’m so tired of these. Good news is my prescribing doc called, and she’s going to look into raising my meds, she’ll contact me again tomorrow. I’m on vacation now, so there’s time to work with it, at least. It’s hard to feel like I’ll ever kick this, especially since as soon as I hung up, I went back to the compulsions. But man, I am giving it some effort.

But fuck, these compulsions came back like a relapse, like all the ones I’ve fought came rushing back at once.

Thanks to everyone for their kindness and support. When I think about people fighting addiction or physically disability or trauma or loss, my problems seem to petty. But all the same, they’re what I have. There have been a few ups, and with 14 days of vacation due to me now, hopefully I’ll make progress. I’m calling my prescribing NP and hopefully she’ll be able to adjust my dosage. I hope I’m not looking that as an idealized cure-all, but it’s helped before and hopefully, it’ll help again.

Made it through a work shift today, went out with my friend the other day, took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing, seeing a shrink, calling about my meds, I am trying. Had another theology OCD slip up, and I’m so tired of it. God, it’s just hard. I am better sometimes, but it’s hard to stay that way. I’ll keep fighting though. And now I can get some rest. But God, it’s hard. Sitting with my dad now though. Family and love sure are nice.

Edit: my dad left, I immediately slipped up. I thought I was finally making progress with this.

The depression finally ebbed, then the “look at theological stuff” OCD came spiking up again. God in heaven, it’s like disability roulette: want to be depressed, obsessive, or anxious? My new therapist told me that having Aspergers means that my brain is very prone to this kind of overactivity, I just wish I could control it. I hope my faith in adjusting my medication isn’t groundless. Unfortunately, I found out that the lady who prescribes for me is only in on Tuesdays and Thursday, and it’s another damn weekend. I have one more workday tomorrow, the I’m off for two weeks. This is so not how I want to spend my vacation.

PS: The Counjuring 2 is way too long.

I wondered why it lessens at night?

Just took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sun. I still feel like my whole life is weighed down by the depression, I suppose it trades off with the anxiety. But I really am trying. It’s frustrating when it comes back. It’s so hard to fight. The walk didn’t give the endorphin buzz I was hoping for. It’s just frustrating to do something to fight it and still not feel like you’ve won a battle. I know, one day at a time.

Had another pretty good night last night, then crashed again this morning. Unfortunately, apparently my prescribing doctor only works Tuesday and Thursday. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon, but I left a message a number of hours ago. I’m kind of hoping she doesn’t have an answering machine and get this stuff through mobile, but who knows? I’m also hoping that like last time, raising the medicine will be helpful and I haven’t manifested this as some kind of idealized solution. But I just want to know either way, and in this state, waiting a few days seems like a long time.

It did seem like an improvement, but I did keep slipping again and again when I got home. God, this is hard. Hopefully my prescription will get tweaked tomorrow, God willing. I know one step at a time, but Lord, is it hard.

Had another terrific session with my new shrink today. The guy was amazingly warm and kind, and told me that even though he’s retired, he still works many hours every week because he loves what he does. We got around to some real discussion about my life-sexual dissatisfaction, how miserable my job makes me, my many limitations in my comfortable but small sphere of life and desire for more, how this likely reflect nuts and bolts problems with my own life, I outline for him my philosophy towards religion and life much like I did in the previous pages, how I kept having anxiety attacks just seeing churches. He talked about how I should shift my focus towards these real-life issues and the classic “where do you want to be a year from now.” He talked about how found his passion in his 40s and about current neurological research he was looking into, and about the satisfaction in such personal actualization. This was very satisfying. He’s a good listener and his experience clearly showed and he seems to have a genuine kindness and desire to help. I finally went out socially with my friend to go to a movie, spent some time with him. As his friend recently took his own life (I can’t even begin to imagine his pain), he was rather worried about me, but was a good listener too, and served as a nice reminder of the many good things I have and what I SHOULD be looking to.

Unfortunately, the compulsions started firing up again halfway through the screening (The Conjuring 2 is way too long, incidentally), and though I managed to resist indulging them in my car, I succumbed to them h the timer I got home. Again. It’s just so frustrating to know something in your mind but somehow not be able to control it. It just don’t get how my brain can literally feel like it’s betraying me. God, it’s frustrating. Still, God dammit, I put in some effort today. I head from my prescribing MD, and she said she’d call me back the following day to set up a meeting, hopefully tomorrow, about adjusting the dosage of my medication. I’ve had to work very, very hard to resist the temptation to take more, but I know that would be both dangerous and stupid. But goddammit, it’s just so hard to keep fighting like this and waiting through all of this, and it doesn’t feel like it’s a winnable battle. But I’m fighting all the same. I want my life back so goddamn badly.

Bingowings said:

Having good and bad days during the early stages of a new round of medicines is expected. I can say don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it (<see😉). You will worry but you don’t need to and knowing that might take the edge of it.

Don’t have the new meds yet. My prescribing doc called today and says she’ll check my chart and call back tomorrow about spiking up the dosage.

Man, I was a rock star last night. I felt way better. At least for a few hours. Then this came back, and worse than ever. And I woke up this morning and it’s still buzzing. I contacted my prescribing doc to see if she can spike up my medicine. This is truly torture inside of my head. God, please, make it stop. Hopefully she’ll call back soon.

Just randomly went on Google and found a guy who’d lost his faith because he was suffering with disease. What a happy story. Why can I stop reading this? Why can’t I stay off these goddamn websites?!

EDIT: And again. And again. And again.

I sure don’t feel strong enough. I’ve been spending so much time indulging these compulsions today alone that it’s hard to believe. I am trying though. I wouldn’t be here and in therapy if I had another choice, so I guess that I’ve accepted that this is something beyond my control. But will I ever reconcile my beliefs? Will I ever be able to watch TV again and see something related to religion without it sending me further down the hole. Spiritual pain is different than physical pain because there’s no pill you can take.

Of course my whole premise is flawed: if I’m not, as I’ve said I’m not, a hardcore theist And I don’t define myself that ways I’d never bregudge a person who suffered evil and loss for not believing, I rarely every even discuss these things with anyone because I prefer to keep them private, and I certainly don’t believe that the views I was taught were the only ones, and I’m full capable of thinking that an atheist can be a moral person, or that various other spiritual or religious beliefs constitute a path to some sort of enlightenment or transcendence. I can hear the sneering atheists telling me that it’s cognitive dissonance as I come to “the truth,” but as mentioned, I’d reconciled that long ago with the fact that I’d mutated my beliefs into something more deistic, spiritual, and broad, and have never claimed to have all of the answers.

I’m not a Bible-reader, an every-Sunday churchgoer, or deeply religious. It was a personal cultural and spiritual thing to me which I rarely ever ventured too deeply into not because I didn’t care, but because I’d simply achieved a sort of happy medium in my own personal beliefs. I liked having personal faith. I didn’t look to it for EVERYTHING by any means (And certainly not politics, God knows!), but I liked seeing “God” in a gorgeous sunset or a beautiful baby with chubby cheeks. That comforted me. It sustained me. I don’t want to be an atheist.

Besides that, I don’t like simply sneering at “zombie Jesus bullshit.” My mother or my friend are people of deep faith. It sustains them. It makes them strong. It makes them hopeful. It gives them purpose. I don’t sneer at that. I envy it. I have no interest in being an anti-theist or fighting religion, and liked my more liberal religion. Of course I don’t literally believe that Noah’s Ark happened, by having the knowledge of theology was cool and interesting in stories. Yeah, I picked and chose. But I liked keeping the things which promoted compassion and enriched my life amd throwing out the parts that were in any way hatful or archaic. I had my own views. If this is all it takes to make them collapse, they must not have been very strong.

I’m tired of it. I want to be able to watch a TV show with a priest or an angel in it without going down this hole. I like superheroe comics and mythology, is it too much to ask thay I be allowed to enjoy it without this happening. I want to be able to focus on what’s actually wrong in my life, in my REAL life, without this inane problem. Fuck me, I’m tired of this. I don’t want to feel this bizarre compulsion to watch Dan Barker and William Lane Craig and these countless videos and debates. I want to stop reading about problems of evil and ontological arguments and fine-tuning and gaps and all of the endless arguments that run in circles. Why isn’t what I personally had good enough for me anymore? Why can’t I play Link’s Awakening and watch Agents of SHIELD and go out with my friends and have my appetite and libido back. I want to be able to think what I want to think instead of what my OCD wants me to think. Where does it begin and where do I end? Am I really depressed, or just selfish? How long will it take to adjust the medication? Can I? God, this is torture. All day, every day, this endless circular insanity. Why do I feel these urges? Why can I control them? This isn’t like wanting to check locks or something. This is more serious. That’s what really scares me. I’m sor tired of this shit.

I apologize for the ranting. I thank everyone for listening and for their kindness. I just needed to get some more of this out.