Mike O

joefavs said:

Just got out of Lawrence and it might have been my favorite theater experience ever. The crowd was so much more into it than they were four years ago at the Regal. Highlight was the applause on the “and introducing Peter O’Toole as T.E. Lawrence” title card.

I’d give my eye teeth to see that in true 70mm.

The Hateful Eight- A second viewing has confirmed to me that this is Tarantino’s best film since Jackie Brown. A twisted stage play from hell shot on gorgeous Ultra Panavision 70mm, it find the director actually teaching for political and social subtext. It’s a knotty, meaty script, and though long, it moves with a tightness that the self-indulgences of Django Unchained and Death Proof needed. Sam Jackson continues his incredible partnership with QT, and the uniformly excellent cast, Robert Richardson’s gorgeous 70mm cinematography, and the Ennio Morricone’s score are all top-notch. Those expecting Tarantino’s usual grindhouse brutality may walk away disappointed-there’s vomited blood and exploding heads, but not as much as some exploitation-hungry viewers may be expecting. It’s a super-tense series of the director’s trademark dialogue set-piece verbal standoffs, indulgences, and ferociously incendiary language. I’m waiting to see if the roadshow cut comes out for Christmas, but damn, since this is likely to be the last major release on celluloid, it was privilege to see it, and at least 70mm is going out in fuckijg style. And John, when you get to hell? Tell them Daisy sent you. Jennifer Jason Leigh is almost demonic and feral. It may not have the scope of Fury Road, but there’s an apocalyptic undertone as it journeys headlong into hell.

I’m sorry, I have to get this out again. I don’t know what else to do. I had a cry in my car today, but the compulsions came back all the same. It’s them or the obsessive anxiety. Again, watching vitriolic anti-religion videos which articulate something wholly separate from my own viewpoint. Christopher Hitchens, Dan Barker, etc. I can name you all of these names. “This is all silly, a homeless man is insane saying the same as a preacher, I can’t believe grown adults believe this, we as as species should outgrow this from the infancy of our evolution, it’s poisonous, it devalues people, it leads to theocracy, it allows us to abdicate morality and responsibility, people wouldn’t believe it if they weren’t taught it as children, the problem of evil,” the list goes on and on. It’s always the same arguments, I’ve heard all of this before. But I can’t stop. Indulging the compulsions makes the compulsions stronger. I even returned to the thread that started this whole mess at DVD Talk. I can’t stop. I physically and psychologically feel like I cannot fucking stop. It’s a twisted paradox. This isn’t altogether new. Back in my high school years, a single bad review of a film I liked could torpedo my whole day, as I’d obsessively search through message boards, reviews, etc. One person disagreed with me! Everything I believe is a lie!

What I can’t get over is the fact that these obsessions, frustrations, and anxiety attacks are attached to something different from my own personal philosophy. As someone who isn’t a hardcore theist anyway, why does this bother me? Why didn’t it bother me when I heard it on House, Bones, or True Detective for years? As previously outlined, I have never attempted to participate in any discussion regarding my own personal beliefs, nor do I believe that my own Catholic upbringing (and broad beliefs) constitute the “true” answer. In metaphysical and philosophical terms, I believe there are many paths to spiritual understanding, religion and faith being powerful ones for many, but by no means the only ones. My mother, another guy I know, their faith is powerful, giving them strength and purpose. I don’t describe it as “silly,” or mock it. I don’t believe the Bible has the answer to everything in life, so why am I upset with people criticizing those who do? As I’ve outlined, I have no patience for bigotry or homophobia inherent in many nasty aspects of this, and my own views are much more progressive, but it doesn’t constitute reason for me to wish to fight against it. It gave me community, love, family, morality, education. No, of course I don’t believe that without it, I wouldn’t have those things. I could. No, of course I don’t believe that atheism equals immorality. It doesn’t. Nor do I believe in many of the social or political positions of the church, or defend many of its immoral actions throughout history. All the same, neither do I feel the need to focus only on this when there are positives as well. I see an inherent complexity to much of this without easy answers. Beyond all of this, it’s an important part of my own cultural upbringing, and I’m not interested in chucking it all out. Nor do I use it as a condemnation of other people for sexual and personal reasons, etc. I remain fairly non-judgmental in these regards. I don’t need to become Christopher Hitchens, nor do I have to take his own ideas as mine. But I can stop repeating what I heard in my head, over and over, like a CD on repeat, racking through my mind. As my therapist pointed out, people with other viewpoints will always be out there. These videos are always going to be accessible on the Internet. The kind of activists are always going to be active. I have to learn to live with this, because there isn’t Any way to simply forget it or push it away. I prefer to focus on the morality and kindness of a person’s actions than whether they offered them in the name of religion, humanism, or any other philosophy. As outlined in previous pages, my own is very compatible and fairly even. I am not interested in fighting against religion. I would never judge a person for belief or disbelief, of loss of faith in the face of loss of the problem of evil. That’s fine. I both respect and understand that, and I used to be comfortable with allowing it to coexist with own personal philosophy.

I just can’t understand why someone criticizing something different from my own beliefs, and only partially since I agree with some of the criticisms, constitutes a reason to for me to become so upset. It’s nonsensical to me. Why can’t I just go into my mind, put this on a shelf, and move on with my own life? Why must I have anxiety attacks seeing crosses around peoples’ necks or hearing religious references in X-Men films? I’m tired of this. It was such a beautiful day today. Just gorgeous. Stunning. The sun was shining, it was warm, I got to spend time with my loving family, I’m on paid vacation, I have an air-conditioned, comfortable home, supportive mental health professionals. Why can’t I concentrate on that? Why must I instead bear this burden?

I know that it’s important to have realistic expectations. I do understand this. I have only had a few sessions with my new therapist, and only been on my mildly adjusted medication for a few days. But I’m trying. I really feel like I’m trying. I tried to resist the compulsions with the breathing excercises he gave me, but they didn’t work. Even when they did, the compulsion came back stronger. I tried going out with a friend the other night. I tired going to a movie. I tried watching a show on my DVR. I tried watching my Redbox disc. But it feels like it’s all for nothing. It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.

What in my mind is even my own anymore? What do I really think? If these compulsions, depression, anxiety, Aspergers can be this all-consuming, this powerful, this controlling, where is Mike in all of this? What’s left of me? How can I trust my own mind? If these things can control me, what even defines me? This is so stupid. So silly. Why can’t I just stop? Why am I drawn to these things which never bothered me before? Can the medicine even help? Can the therapy? Why can’t I focus my attention on the aforementioned real-life issues? Why can I refocus my obsessions towards happier times when I could instead obsessively read the Final Fantasy Wiki or behind-the-scenes stories about kaiju films? Why can’t I enjoy the things I used to love, the things which brought me passion and happiness? What in God’s name is happening to me?

Here come the compulsions again. It’s like having my mind hijacked. I can’t fight. This is effecting everything: what little virginal libido I have, my appetite, my sleep Schedule, God only knows how I’m going to function when I have to go back to work. I just can’t keep fighting this pointless, losing fight. I don’t know what the fuck to do. As I’ve said, I’m not a praying, Bible-reading kind anyway. Why does this bother me? Why can’t I stop? What’s happening to me?!

I a health feel better after I do this for like five minutes. Same after therapy sessions. Isiah I could make it last.

Fucking hell, it’s 2:00 in the morning and the compulsion came on strong as hell, and damn did I indulge it. As outlined above, I know that as “problems” go, I shouldn’t be attaching so much to this one, but I hate this crap. I feel like it’s fucking destroying me, and it’s literally controlling me. I’m going to try to sleep again. It’s just so frustrating to feel this happening. I’m so tired of this, it’s hard to feel like I’ll ever be better.

Darth Lucas said:

Mike O said:

I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.

Don’t even think like that man. I’ve dealt with my fair share of mental problems that I won’t share here, I’m mostly better and it’s not important, but one of my best friends suffers from many mental disabilities, OCD being the main one and (not that cancer isn’t serious, but) OCD and other mental illnesses are in my experience much more debilitating and hard to deal with.

Knowing as much as I do about the many conditions I have, I definitely know that I got off fairly lightly. Aspergers, OCD, anxiety, and depression can have effects to horrific to think about for some people. Man, do a quick Google search, you’ll see it destroy lives, families, relationships, and lots of other things. I got off lightly. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating, but I have to admit, it doesn’t exactly make me feel great when I think about how operatic I’ve made my own lesser problems.

I understand how it feels to feel like your problems aren’t really important when compared to other people’s issues. Skin cancer, when compared to other cancers, is really not that serious and is much easier to live with and treat, so I always feel a bit of guilt putting myself in the same category as those dealing with lung cancer, or breast cancer, or something more serious.

Hey, man, I want to say the same thing to you that you did to me, and that’s not to worry about that. Cancer is about as scary a thing as I’d like to imagine, so do whatever you can to fight, and fight like hell. I sure hope that you’re strong enough to beat it and that you get the help you need.

What you need to remember though, is that even if you feel other people have it worse, that doesn’t devalue your own struggles or invalidate them. Your life is valuable and if something, anything, is getting in the way of living your life, it should be taken extremely seriously.

Hell, thanks, man. I went out again with a buddy tonight to pizza and the movies. X-Men: Apocalypse deals with a lot of these themes in a very genre way (gods, Angels, mythology), so it wasn’t thrilling to have this stuff put so blatantly, but all the same, I did try. My mind did start a lot of buzzing: “It says BCE! I remember all of this ‘religion is dying’ talk! Look how this stuff ties into all of these important cultural aspects though! Blah, blah, blah.”

I have such a small social circle that it’s hard to do this kind of stuff. That’s not a criticism of my friends or anything, hell, far from it. But I do at least recognize that staying at home alone isn’t the best thing for this. The compulsions started spiking again when I got home, and that wasn’t exactly fun. I slept in until almost 2:00 today. Damn, man, this stuff messes with my appetite, what little libido my virginal self has, and my life in general. I used to think that well, if I did stuff to get away from it, I was just running from it, but more broadly, I think that it’s healthy too. OCD by definition isn’t rational, so doing something that can force my attention away from it is probably positive. I’ve reacquainted myself with Final Fantasy VI too, one of my all-time favorite things, and that repetition does give me a little comfort and structure. One of the things I’ve come to realize on a more personal level is that when I was in school-and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I was a damn good student, and diligent-I had very specific structure. I guess it made my life purposeful: study for this exam, think about this class, get an A. I guess I naively thought that once I got out of school, there’d be some sort of reward. Obviously, life doesn’t fucking work that way, and I think it got me directionless after that. I don’t know where to start looking for anything new at this point, I’ve been stag an and stuck so long. My grandfather just turned 82, I live in fear of losing him. You can bet I’ll be spending some of my vacation time with him. God willing he still has a few more years at least. No one thinking about an afterlife scares the hell out of me.

I know it’s fiction, but you can only see so many stories about adolescent sexual awakening before you think you missed a major part of life. Fuck, I’ll be 29 next week. “I want to lose my virginity, I’m questioning my religion, I’m awakening to different politics than my family’s, maybe I could be an activist, I should move out of my parents’ house, maybe I should learn to play an instrument, maybe I could write a book,” this shit is supposed to happen when you’re 18 so you fucking know where you want your life to go, not when you’re over a quarter of the way through it! I’m a fucking Lena Dunham millennial cliche. Pissed away so much of my youth now that it almost feels hard to think I could move forward.

Why can’t I focus on this instead of being upset and obsessive about atheists and such who have no bearing on my life or my own views? Shit, there’s a place for existnstial crises, but I think my therapist is 100% right to try to shift the focus towards these things. I think it’s true that many “existential problems” are a mask for nuts-and-bolts issues that people make operatic because they can’t solve them. I mean God, I’m telling them to strangers on the Internet (Incidentally, I’m supposed to be hanshotfirst1138. I don’t know how I wound up as Mike O to this day.). My doc is right about how I have to learn, especially with my overactive mind, about the overstimulation of the Information Age. Man, I can only imagine how hard it makes his job. Shrinks these days must have an insane job.

Sorry for all of this. It’s rambling, I know, but it feels good to unscramble sometimes. At least it gets all of this down, and some of it out. Sorry, everybody. I guess at least I’ve organized this a bit. I hope my ramblings aren’t too irritating. I feel a little better, at least temporarily. Not a lot, but it did feel good to get that out. Goddamn. That did feel good. Won’t last, but it felt good.

EDIT: Didn’t last. The compulsion struck again while lying in bed. God Almighty.

Tyrphanax said:

As I’ve said before, your “worst day” is still your worst day, even if someone else has had an even worse day than you ever have. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel like other people have it worse (not to belittle your problems, Darth Lucas).

I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.

Your meds won’t start kicking in for a few weeks, so you’re probably just having a rough day or two. That’ll always happen. It happens to all of us! You could be experiencing some reverse-placebo effect where your anxiety about the new dosage makes you feel like its not helping, too. Just stick out the next few weeks until it has a chance to actually take hold.

Like I said, it’s a very small increase, so it’s odd that it should be having an effect. I’m inclined to believe this is something psychosomatic at most, the idea that a very small spike in medication could have an effect after 48 hours just doesn’t seem scientifically feasible. Obviously, you have to go slowly (this increase may not do anything at all), and it takes time, but fuck, that’s hard when you’re suffering.

The thing about OCD is that it’s an irrational thing. You know the truth, you know you don’t actually need to go through your rituals, you know where you stand on theology and your opinions are concrete and you don’t need to keep debating it, but you can’t help yourself. That’s just the way OCD works. Just try to avoid the situations where you’re obsessing and if you find yourself in one, do your best to get out of it. But don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, because you can cause hopelessness doing that, and that’ll make it worse. Just try again next time.

I do keep trying, but with little success. I even tried the breathing stuff he told me about, with no success. I’m supposed to control my mind. I’m supposed to make decisions. I’m supposed to decide what I think and what I’m thinking about. It’s not supposed to control me. It’s scary.

Writing always helps me, and so keeping a journal is a great idea, especially because you can record your thoughts in the moment and show them to your therapist without forgetting details and whatnot. Great idea!

Yeah, shame it was his and not mine 😉, But I’ll do it and show it to him.

You’re fighting hard, and you’re doing a good job of it. Keep it up.

I know. I just had another episode. It’s just fucking frustrating as hell. I want to enjoy life again, enjoy movies again, be able to watch stuff, read stuff, not have anxiety attacks when I pass churches. I wish I had a more eloquent or articulate way of phrasing it than saying that it “hijacks my brain,” but I don’t. I don’t mind this obsessive curiosity, I just prefer it when it’s directed at comics or movies or other things besides this. At least that was fun.

I’ve had several slips in the last few hours. It just feels like I can’t fucking stop, and it’s driving me crazy!!

Tyrphanax said:

Yeah, it’s never fun when life shits on you all at once.

It’s good to vent, believe me. I’m a big venter, and it always helps me to not suffer in silence. Don’t apologize!

Hey, man, you’re a good listener, and seem altogether compassionate with the plights of others even here on this forum. That’s a good, kind perspective that the world could use a lot more of. I wish good luck to him as well, and hope he can find support both financial and emotional for his suffering, and that he comes out of it with that. We can all offer minor emotional support, but he requires more than that in his own life, and hopefully

On my end, I’ve only been on my very mildly adjusted meds for two days and I feel worse rather than better. I know that it’s probably not even scientifically possible for my body’s biochemistry to be that affected by a minor mediation adjustment in such a short space of time. But damned if it doesn’t feel that way, and it’s just fucking frustrating. I think my compulsions have worsened recently too. I have another appointment with my new therapist Monday. I tried the breathing excercise he gave to me, but it didn’t help when the compulsions hit, unfortunately. I have a lockable notebook coming in the mail that I’m going to try to write in and give to him next session. I have put in a lot of effort: some excercise, a new therapist, and adjustment to my medication, these breathing excercises. And I know that it’s important not to have unreasonable expectations and that this is a long process, and the fact that I have at least had some progress shows that this is not only worth fighting for, but it’s just so goddamned hard. As I’ve said, I was never a hard-liner on any of these theological issues, so I don’t understand why this sudden obsessiveness has become so powerful and all-consuming. My therapist said this to me excellently: “You have clearly formulated your own philosophical and spiritual beliefs compatible with your own worldview which doesn’t seem to impinge on any others. I think that in reading and watching all of these things, you’ve taken what you’re going to take from all of this, and further examination doesn’t seem to be in any way benefiting you.”

This is eloquent and excellently said, but I think that it’s just not penetrating me. I mean yes, it makes sense to me, to the point that I can articulate it here, but the constant desire to obsess and check, to obsess and obsess and obsess seems to have stuck itself to me. I want to enjoy life again! I want to love the things I used to love passionately again, to not fear waking up or constantly have to think about fighting this. It’s just so frustrating. Then man, I look at someone here, struggling with real financial problems, actual cancer, so many real-world problems that show mine for just how petty and foolish they are, how small, and frustrates me so much that I simply can’t fight them and kick them. I’m sorry, man. And I hope that you deal with your real-life issues, and they sure put mine in perspective. I wish I could.

I’m on line at the DMV. Only there more hours! And I haven’t eaten!

I’m on line at the DMV. Only there more hours! And I haven’t eaten!

I’m playing the GBA remake of Final Fantasy VI, one of my favorite things ever. I never get tired of it, and the changes for the GBA version actually improve it.

Saw the prescribing doc today. She gave me a mild boost to my meds (obviously you have to do it slowly, I learned the hard way when I was first being prescribed it that too much can be horrifically bad too), and I only ingested them a few hours ago. She gave me some info so I can look into having some medical examinations done too, which I’m not against considering that it’s been a long, long time since I have. Sadly, the twitchy compulsions still came on strong when I got home, but my therapist is having me look at breathing exercises and some sort of “homework” regarding my own writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. It’s a reminder that I’m going to have to put in some effort. A lot of effort. When you’re hurting, it is frustrating to think how much time it takes to heal, and how much effort you have to put in. It’s not the kind of thing where you simply are able to solve the issue, I know. It’s a constant fight, and it’s one that you have to fight personally in your own mind (and dare I say soul) every day. And man, that sounds grandiose, but it sure is hard. The slip-ups when I got home weren’t encouraging, but let’s hope the tweaking of the meds will have some positive effects. How long will that take? I’m not sure. But longer than a few hours, Mike.

EDIT: A few hours later. Oh, not good. Not good. I hope the medicine isn’t making things worse. Oh, not good.

EDIT 2: Fucking hell. Another attack. I tried the breathing technique my doc taught me to ride out the brunt of it, but didn’t work, airplanes indulged it. God dammit. I know, I know, let the biochemistry balance, takes days, but good God, I’m so tired of this. This is not how I want to spend my vacation.

EDIT 3: And again. It just feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight trying to fight this.

EDIT 4: So much for it getting better at night…

And again…

And again…

I see a pattern here…

Does anyone know of a site which would do retro video game repairs? I have an old NDS with a broken hinge. It’s not a huge deal, but if the price is small, I’d like to fix it as opposed to spend a fortune on a new one.

PS: I wish the DS or GBA had a turbo mode for RPG play through.

Tyrphanax said:

It’s funny, because you come back here and tell us how you feel like you’re losing this fight, but every time you report your progress I’m always surprised and delighted at how much better you seem to be doing.

You even fought off an “attack” tonight by going out and leaving your phone! That’s great news! Try to focus on that victory than the fact that you didn’t do so well later.

You really do seem to be doing much better, and it sounds like your therapist is decent as well. Keep it up!

Thanks, man. To you and others. I appreciate your confidence and kindness, all of you.

Tyrphanax said:

Mike O said:

Fucking Hulu took Voltron down! Motherfucker.

Probably because of the new Voltron series on Netflix.

Almost certainly, but you’d think that Netflix would’ve put the old series to hype it.

While we’re whining about first world problems, the only way to get English-subtitled Dragon Ball Z in the right ratio is this fucking Dragon Boxes that cost more than a Corvette on the aftermarket.

Fucking Hulu took Voltron down! Motherfucker.

SilverWook said:

Smithers said:

Batman: The Movie ?/10

I don’t know how to rate it and I don’t know why I watched it. Check it out if you like weird hammy movies I guess but otherwise skip it.

It’s called camp. And it was all the rage in the 60’s. Also, Adam West is the dogdamn Batman. To me anyway. 😉

As a child of the Bruce Timm Post-Crisis era, I have to admit that I prefer my Batman dark, noir, and brooding, but I’ve met tons of Batfans who love Adam West and who cite him as their favorite rendition of the Caped Crusader. He may not be my preferred rendition, but I don’t think that devalues him, and for many, he’s the best Batman of all. Me, there’s a limit to how much camp I can take 😉.

Standing the Shadows of Motown- Yeah, I’m from Detroit, so I’m biased, but seriously, watch this. It’s an absolutely wonderful documentary about the Motown Records Sound’s house band the Funk Brothers. A fascinating look at the cultural intersection where Motown existed, the sad but exuberant story of the musicians who crafted such masterful music, and a celebration of their art. Watch this. Now. It’s on Amazon Instant Video and Hulu. Watch it.

Had another session today. They guy is definitely putting in all of the effort to help me, no question about that. He tried again (I think quite wisely) to steer the session towards a much more intelligent points about my personal dissatisfactions and how I should look towards practical things: my friendships, where I want to go in life, how to apply my passions and intelligence, attempts at becoming more communal (he talked about joining a local rec center), seeing what options are available related to my education. He pointed out that in my OCD episodes, I’m obsessively watching various debates about topics I’ve already mined pretty throughly and formulated my own personal and spiritual beliefs towards. He articulated it well saying that I’ve basically taken what I can take-good, bad, and otherwise-from these things, so why continue to obsess. He also gave me this diaphragm breathing technique which is supposed to serve to calm the anxiety. He says to practice it, and maybe a little writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. I’ll give both a shot. I have an early appointment with my NP tomorrow too, hopefully the dosage adjustment won’t be to complex.

Unfortunately, the attacks just won’t let up. I came home and spent some kind time with my father, and when I felt the compulsion coming on, I even literally left the house for a hopefully endorphin-releasing walking and left my phone here! I was gone a while, came Home to my dad for more conversation, but I still just felt like I wasn’t strong enough. The compulsion came, and I still started with it when he went to bed. I’ve watched all of these things endlessly, and having outlined my own personal philosophy in the previous pages, as well as the real problems I should be focusing on, it’s just so frustrating to continue to have this keep hijacking my brain and keep having to fight this. Every time I do, it seems to come back even stronger. It just feels like it always defeats me. I’ve been retreating back into one of my all-time favorite old video games and mixing it with some Enjoyable audiobooks in an attempt I curb it, but it’s so brutal sometimes. I’m better than I was, I know, but it’s hard to feel pride in progress when these relapses are so strong. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m kicking and screaming against this thing: I got about halfway through a TV episode and part of the way through a movie, but the compulsions came biting before I could finish. They can put a broken leg in a cast, they can give you antibiotics for a sickness, but this is different. It’s a hard battle. I’m trying, but dammit, it feels like I’m shooting blanks sometimes.

The Conjuring 2- Wan continues to have little flair for dialogue (“This is as close to hell as I ever want to be!”) or characterization, but he sure has a way with jump scares, stunning digital cinematography, and sound design. Too long, derivative, and sometimes cheesy, but moody, kinetic, and exciting.

Fuck me, I’m tired of this. The compulsions are back again. I did manage to start up on a movie, but didn’t get far. I’m sick of these fucking things controlling my brain. I am on vacation for these two weeks, which is nice. I see my new therapist tomorrow and my prescribing doc Tuesday morning to look into my changing meds. Gotta keep fighting, I know, but it’s frustrating.

The Donner cut feels too incomplete (both have a rath weak ending), but I like the more serious tone and the elimination of a lot of the outright silliness from the Lester cut. I don’t think either one is ideal though.

Fuck me, another strong-ass episode. I’m so tired of these. Good news is my prescribing doc called, and she’s going to look into raising my meds, she’ll contact me again tomorrow. I’m on vacation now, so there’s time to work with it, at least. It’s hard to feel like I’ll ever kick this, especially since as soon as I hung up, I went back to the compulsions. But man, I am giving it some effort.

But fuck, these compulsions came back like a relapse, like all the ones I’ve fought came rushing back at once.

Thanks to everyone for their kindness and support. When I think about people fighting addiction or physically disability or trauma or loss, my problems seem to petty. But all the same, they’re what I have. There have been a few ups, and with 14 days of vacation due to me now, hopefully I’ll make progress. I’m calling my prescribing NP and hopefully she’ll be able to adjust my dosage. I hope I’m not looking that as an idealized cure-all, but it’s helped before and hopefully, it’ll help again.

Made it through a work shift today, went out with my friend the other day, took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing, seeing a shrink, calling about my meds, I am trying. Had another theology OCD slip up, and I’m so tired of it. God, it’s just hard. I am better sometimes, but it’s hard to stay that way. I’ll keep fighting though. And now I can get some rest. But God, it’s hard. Sitting with my dad now though. Family and love sure are nice.

Edit: my dad left, I immediately slipped up. I thought I was finally making progress with this.

The depression finally ebbed, then the “look at theological stuff” OCD came spiking up again. God in heaven, it’s like disability roulette: want to be depressed, obsessive, or anxious? My new therapist told me that having Aspergers means that my brain is very prone to this kind of overactivity, I just wish I could control it. I hope my faith in adjusting my medication isn’t groundless. Unfortunately, I found out that the lady who prescribes for me is only in on Tuesdays and Thursday, and it’s another damn weekend. I have one more workday tomorrow, the I’m off for two weeks. This is so not how I want to spend my vacation.

PS: The Counjuring 2 is way too long.

I wondered why it lessens at night?

Just took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sun. I still feel like my whole life is weighed down by the depression, I suppose it trades off with the anxiety. But I really am trying. It’s frustrating when it comes back. It’s so hard to fight. The walk didn’t give the endorphin buzz I was hoping for. It’s just frustrating to do something to fight it and still not feel like you’ve won a battle. I know, one day at a time.

Had another pretty good night last night, then crashed again this morning. Unfortunately, apparently my prescribing doctor only works Tuesday and Thursday. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon, but I left a message a number of hours ago. I’m kind of hoping she doesn’t have an answering machine and get this stuff through mobile, but who knows? I’m also hoping that like last time, raising the medicine will be helpful and I haven’t manifested this as some kind of idealized solution. But I just want to know either way, and in this state, waiting a few days seems like a long time.

It did seem like an improvement, but I did keep slipping again and again when I got home. God, this is hard. Hopefully my prescription will get tweaked tomorrow, God willing. I know one step at a time, but Lord, is it hard.