Mike O

Tyrphanax said:

I’ve actually been thinking about asking Mike how he was. I’ve seen him in a couple other threads here and there lately…

Those are interesting articles, Ric. I hope something comes from them!

RicOlie_2 said:

I hope all is as well as it can be with things the way they are, Mike. It’s been a while since we’ve gotten an update from you. Have you heard about the (fairly recent) advancements in research on OCD? Let’s hope the findings turn into something concrete soon enough for you to benefit.

http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/article/S0006-3223(16)32380-0/fulltext
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/ocd-can-turned-switch-brain-8467009

I’m really moved, I hadn’t checked on this thread in a while, I’m genuinely touched that there was concern for me an interest in me.

As far as OCD, I have to admit, I’m partially extrapolating based on what’s going on, which is, I admit, something of a worry of mine: am I self-diagnosing myself? My therapist has mentioned compulsive behavior, but hasn’t really outright mentioned me having OCD. I’m sure the Internet Age has driven doctors nuts, and every asshole with a keyboard probably now claims to have condition X or Y. My current therapist has tried to push around, insisting that I focus on improvements in my life and my job, and I don’t know whether to be frustrated that he’s not “approaching the issue directly,” or if my excessive focus on it has transformed it into something larger than it is. I don’t know anymore. To be honest, I don’t much give a fuck. I just want this to stop. The past week or so of feeling better wasn’t bliss, but it was a fuck of lot better than this hell. Even winning, I still lose. It comes back. What’s the fucking point? I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting losing battles. Just fuck all of this.

KumoNin said:

Actually, they didn’t plan it to necessarily be Leia. He, IIRC, was actually gonna find another jedi who we didn’t know. Otherwise, Lucas definitely has an incest fetish.

Wasn’t the initial plan to have another character introduced (and another storyline), but once the decision was made to wrap everything up in ROTJ, they sort of retconned it to be Leia?

After a half dozen therapy sessions and several weeks of the very mild medication spike, I was finally feeling better. I managed to finish a couple of movies (sounds stupid, but under the terms of what was happening to me, it seemed to suck away my ability to enjoy pretty much anything, and it felt like a victory). For a week or two, man, I finally felt good. I felt better. Then BAM, yesterday on my lunch break at work, the compulsions fired again. I could literally feel them starting again. I cannot fucking do this shit a second time. I barely made it through it once. No disrespect to my therapist, who’s advice about reevaluating my job situation was sound, but I just want this part under control right now. It’s like a sudden, completely random relapse. I barely survived this once, I cannot fucking do this shit a second time. Please God, not again. No, for the fucking love of God, no more. I just slept for 14 hours and forgot to eat. I guess it’s back the drawing board and either go back to my therapist sometime next week, or start hunting for a new one, and while I like this guy, the thought has occurred to me. I guess on some level, I knew this wasn’t just something I could cure and move on with, but given that it seemed to show up completely randomly a few months ago, I guess that’s starting to sink in now more than ever. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t know if I can. I can’t do this again.

captainsolo said:

Best overall: Warner standalone 2 disc release.

Are these the same ones on the big BD boxed set?

WB remastered from highest generation available and includes extras. Sadly there are some audio glitches that were still not addressed for this second release.

I think they own the 35mm masters, though I can’t imagine that restoring them is high priority.

Bosko Diamond collection: second best for PQ, generated from 35mm prints. Great overall with no errors but each feature has the release date stupidly superimposed on its opening.
Image DVD: early release that merely reissues their laserdisc transfer. The good news is that the mono is in PCM.

I’ve never seen a DVD with PCM audio.

Currently there’s an old tread about working with these in the other preservation forums.

Link 😉?

Best advice is go for the WB set which is dirt cheap on eBay. Then if so inclined get the Bosko. Also the WB transfer is on all the Superman film sets from 2006 onwards but lack the handful of fixes hey applied for the standalone reissue.

There is no word yet of an official HD release, and the folks at Warner Archive confirmed this for me.

So they haven’t done any real HD masters, and the ones out there are just upscales?

suspiciouscoffee said:

I didn’t know they were on blu, honestly. I have some old “Goodtimes” DVDs (which I later discovered to have altered sound effects) and I downloaded them all from Internet Archive because I have a flash drive that looks like Superman, so I figured it’d be poetic to have them there. The Internet archive versions are pretty low quality, but unaltered AFAIK.

Are there actual HD masters? Or are the ones on the Blu-rays just upscale SD?

Damn, I thought for sure someone here would know 😉.

There are umpteen versions, and sadly, I hear that he Blu-Ray is not as definitive as one might hope.

Please God, make it fucking stop. Fucking make it stop. Please.

It happened again. Please God, make it stop. I want to throw up.

Tyrphanax said:

You really do need to talk to your psychiatrist about this one.

This is important.

I’ll try. Maybe I’ll try writing it an handing it to him or something? I don’t even want to think about it. Like I said, I’ve seen it on video store covers before, it’s not like it’s the nastiest thing out there or new. But my OCD is like “look again!” And I’m like “Uh, no.”

Tyrphanax said:

You should bring it up regardless.

Religious sites tend to serve up more porn and viruses than other sites, it seems.

It makes me sick just thinking about it. It’s not something I didn’t know about or hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t a religious site, I forget where I was, but it was fucking unpleasant. I know I have to be honest, but this is making me sick to my stomach.

It’s still kind of manifesting as this weird desire to double check. I feel horrific shame. This is way worse. I actually went back to some anti-religion stuff to try to swing it back to a less disturbing thing. This is scaring me to death.

This is so disgusting that I’m uncomfortable thinking about it, much less talking to my therapist about it. I’m tired of this fucking shit. I want my mind back. I feel sick to my stomach. I give up. This is horrible. At least the religion stuff made sense to me. This is insane.

NeverarGreat said:

Mike O, I just wanted to let you know that you’re still in my thoughts. I can scarcely imagine what you’re going through, but it’s important to know that all things pass. I believe that you are not your thoughts, attitudes, or actions. You are not broken. You cannot be diminished - not by your thoughts, not by anything. Think of the bravest, strongest, most loving people you know. All that made them truly great is also within you. You can do this. Best wishes, my friend.

Thank you, man. That’s very kind.

Some website I was on tried to give me some sort of gross pornographic pop-up. I’ve been sick to my stomach all day. I preferred my religious OCD, at least I could make sense of that. I’ve tired to have pop-up blockers, but I guess some stuff slips through. God, it was not pleasant. Wish I could just forget it. Fuck you, Internet. Can’t you let an obsessive person not have to see a bunch of crap.

A healthy person has many wishes, but a sick person has only one.

Why not ask a doctor? There’s always the possibility that there’s some medical reason for it.

Called my therapist. He had some family issues, which is why he was MIA last week. Set up another appointment for Thursday. I’ve also been looking for specialists on the International OCD Foundation’s website in my area. Don’t know if this is what’s going on, but I figure it can’t hurt. Unfortunately, as specialists, it looks like it’s hard to find one that takes my BCBS insurance. I’ll keep checking. I hope this isn’t something that severe, but if I can get it looked into for a reasonable price, I figure hey, it can’t hurt. Went to see my grandfather last night with the family for his 82nd birthday. God willing, he still has a few more, but it was nice, and we all got along well. My mother noticed I was behaving a little bit oddly though. I’m still pretty functional at work, although the compulsions largely kick in on my breaks and I haven’t had any customers comment on me being "off.

Wound up down the Internet rabbit hole a while ago regarding circumcision (something related to one the shrieking religious discussions), and further down the many activists, horror stories, etc. An obsessive personality is fun when you’re using it to find out about Mario Bava movies. In this case, decidedly less. Probably TMI, but I was as a baby, not for any religious reasons, but for the health benefits. I’ve honestly never thought about it a day in my life before this OCD fiasco; never had any health issues whatsoever, and I believe it was done by a pediatric surgeon rather than as any kind of religious ceremony or anything. Like I said, I never thought about it a day in my life before. Also wound up on a Hitchens video about gay rights (I’m a big supporter of gay rights, having always voted in their favor, though I personally don’t have any LBGT friends), Catholics, etc. Luckly, my particular brand of religion never really had a lot to say on the subject, and fortunately was never too negative with any of the “AIDS is God’s punishment nonsense” or any such garbage. Social issues are worth thinking about, and I admire those who campaign for social justice, but really, I don’t need it in a constant loop in my head, this endless, interminable, obsessive, circular behavior. I tried to watch a goddamn 20-minute Samurai Jack episode yesterday and the anxiety, compulsions, and depression started interfering and I only made it about halfway through. I’m sick this interfering in my life, I want to enjoy things again! It’s so fucking frustrating. I’m thinking about looking at a second opinion just to get more data. The therapist I currently have is a nice guy, kind and compassionate, and I like him, I just think that maybe getting more perspective wouldn’t hurt. I feel like the raging anxiety that was interfering with my ability to function at work may have burned down slightly, but on the whole, I feel like progress has been hard and slow, and I just feel more and more and more frustrated. I’m not blaming anybody; my family and friends have tried to help (my uncle called me and told me that depression runs in my family and to call if I ever needed him), my parents have of course been supportive, and my new therapist is a good-hearted guy who certainly seems to have my better interests at heart and strong desire to help. I just feel like I’m never going to be back to where I was. I guess I’m going to have to learn how to live with this, and I’m going to have to live with it from now on. Maybe I’ll never be “OK” like I was before again. Maybe I’m just going to have always fight this every day. Maybe that’s just the way it’s going to be. I don’t know anymore. Fuck. I hope this wasn’t gross or TMI or self-Pity or anything. This was another day in retail during the holidays, it’s hard enough without all of this. The compulsions are still firing every damn time I wake up, it’s that or the depression pinning me to the bed for literally half of a day. It’s just tiresome. I feel like I’m trying to swim up a waterfall. It’s just so hard.

Damn. Sorry, everybody. Just needed to vent a bit.

Fucking hell. Didn’t get an appointment with my new therapist this week because of a weird scheduling mixup at work. Another holiday weekend in retail, man, tomorrow, is going to be hell. I’m almost at the three-week mark for my increased medication. If I’m objective, I’ll admit that it does seem to be helping a little bit. I’m thinking about asking her about increasing it more, but I’m a bit worried both she and my new doc might think I’m leaning too heavily on it or looking to it as a magic cure-all. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve looked at the bottle and thought about taking more, but I know how dangerous that is. My mother opined today that she thought I seemed a bit better, but sadly, I slept through half of the day again, so I doubt it. I’m tired of this. Even if I surrender to it, I can’t even lose. It’s so hard. I went a nearly hour-long binge last night and tonight. If I’m better, it’s only a little bit, and the number of Dan Barker/Christopher Hitchens videos and Iron Chariots Wiki articles I’ve had compulsions towards has decidedly not gone done as much as I hope. I wasn’t even able to get through a 20-minute Samurai Jack episode today. I slept in until 1:00, then crashed again a few hours later until nearly 8:00. The compulsions and anxiety are now mingling with the depression. It’s just even more fun! I’m sort of starting to conclude that I’m never going to get back to where I was a few weeks ago, a comfortable intellectual equilibrium. I’m never going to “beat” this, and I’m going to have accept that every day for the rest of my life I’m going to have to deal with the flood of hormones in the morning alone that cause all of this, and always be fighting it. I guess that’s just life. I hope not. But I think so. I’ve paged over several times just writing this to look at stuff. I just can’t beat this. It’s not a question of how hard I try, it’s just too strong. It’s crippling me, binding me my bed. I think I’m going to have to just accept that. I’d love to be wrong, but it’s sure hard to feel differently at this long. Scored a minor victory a few nights ago when I went out with friends and had some Fun, but dammit if it didn’t come on again. I can’t distract myself all the time. Over at the AV Club today, there was a very minor discussion about religion. My participation was minimal, but damned if it still didn’t set me off.

I can’t get away from this. I can’t stop people wearing crosses around their necks, I can’t stop driving past churches. The guy over there asked his therapist about anyone in this area, and she didn’t know anybody, but he showed me a list of nearby OCD specialists, particularly those specializing in ERP therapy. I’m going to have to start seriously considering this possibility, and the possibility that maybe I have suddenly manifested adult OCD. The terrifying horror stories he tells about losing a job, locking himself in his apartment for weeks, etc. should put my problems into better perspective than they do and show how minor my problems should be. I’m just so tired of this. I want to think about something else. I want my mind back. Fuck. I want to enjoy things again, to catch up on my DVR, my Arrow episodes on Netflix. I want this to stop. Sorry for more whining. I just feel like the minor victory I scored made the sting of falling back all the more harsh. I just don’t feel like I can beat this, I don’t feel like it’s even possible. God, help me. And another retail holiday weekend tomorrow. At least I can stress about that, I suppose.

Tyrphanax said:

Work has probably thrown a bit or a wrench in things. Make a real effort to try to get out and do stuff on work days as well, even if it’s just a walk. It’s so much easier to give into compulsions when you’re tired, so doing your best to get out and away from things until it’s bed time might help.

When’s your next appointment?

Well, unfortunately, management, in their infinite wisdom, messed up the schedule this week, so I wound up with a Saturday off, which unfortunately he doesn’t work. I’m trying to work around my schedule, but he probably only got my message a short time ago. A guy I know another forum who’s had some severe OCD issues offered to ask his therapist if she knows anyone in my area, which I told him I appreciate. We’ll see if he remembers. I’m still going, of course, but it just feels pointless. I mean, he confronted me directly with the heart of this issue: why does it bother you when you know your own beliefs? I was unable to answer, then as now. This just isn’t a rational enough thing for me to fight with that way. I don’t mean that in any way to disrespect what he’s trying to do, and he clearly wants to help, I just wonder if I can be helped given my giant mental block. The compulsions laid low in exchange for depression for most of today (yesterday I slept for about 18 hours), but when they came back, man, they wanted interest. I was hoping it meant the medicine was finally doing some good, but damn, when these came back, they wanted interest. Since they’re so impossible to reason with, I don’t think there’s any way to win against them. I mean, I can sit here and tell you they’re irrational just like I did him, but can’t fight them. Even if I surrender, I can’t be left along. It feels to defeating.

Sorry for the pity party. Just…God, it was rough.

Well, went back to work. The compulsions subsided somewhat, and were replaced by depression. I’ve been sleep 18 hours some days. Then the compulsions came back on my last break at work today. Just fun. Serously, please God, make this stop.

Tyrphanax said:

I know it sucks, but the good (and important) thing is you’re doing the work now rather than next year, or five years from now. Don’t beat yourself up about posting here, either. Nobody’s forcing us to be here, haha.

Just as an aside for consideration: See if you can get a referral to an OCD specialist from your current therapist, perhaps? Or maybe do some research and see if you can find one near you (unless your current therapist is!). I would personally bring up the possibility of some Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, because in this modern world it is awfully hard to escape information (as you yourself have found), so it’s best to learn how to deal with triggers as they come up rather than deny them. It’s a very effective treatment in my experience.

If this is OCD. I’m not sure anymore. Just got through a hell of a rough workday in many, many ways, and I was pretty functional (I guess one kind of stress can push the other around), though the compulsions still came on on breaks, and it was such a rough day that my temper started to fray. Overall, though, I’m rather proud of myself for how I handled it. I gave me therapist the journal I’ve been keeping, so we’ll see what he says about that. I’m on the autism spectrum, so while I’ve been previously disagnosed with anxiety and depression, and while I’ve had OCD tendencies, it’s never seemed to manifest as anything like this. It’s certainly possible it developed later in life, much as I’d rather think not. I will ask him about that next session (there’s an issue with my schedule this week, so I have to straighten that out before I set up with him again), and I’m coming up on the two-week mark for th increase in my medicine. I’m going out with the family again tonight, so at least I’m not locked in my bedroom tapping away at my phone.

Seriously though, they came on again on the drive home! This is ridiculously defeatist! Fighting against it is hard, giving in to it hurts! What’s the fucking point? God, help me. I can’t win, and can’t even lose. It just hurts so fucking much.

EDIT: Went out with my brother. At least I got out of the house and some socializing done.

EDIT 2: Didn’t work. Somehow wound up on a video of Christopher Hitchens ranting about circumcision. That was about as mess up as could be.

Oh, and Independence Day: Resurgence is terrible.

Went out for my b-day with the family. They, particularly my mother, noticed how off I was. I’d deliberately left the phone in the car so I wouldn’t indulge my compulsions when I stepped away to go the restroom (and I know, TMI, but whatever the hell is going on with my medication and my appetite, I’ve been spending more time there). It worked, and I made the drive home, but they came on so fucking strong that I did it again. This feels like a Catch 22 in hell: either expend anxiety and depression to fight the compulsions, or indulge the compulsions. And fighting them makes them worse! It’s like damned if you, damned if you don’t! If it weren’t both frightening and sad, it might be darkly funny. But it’s not funny. It’s scary.

Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes. This is not how I wanted to end my vacation of celebrate my birthday, but I guess it is what it is. God, help me. At this point, I feel like even if I were to manage to reclaim my mind, with all of this stuff rattling around in there, the damage has been done so badly that I can never be back to where I was.

Sorry for all of the drama. It’s just frustrating that I fought-and hard-only to face an enemy twice as big. It just makes fighting feel pointless.

Chewtobacca said:

Mike O said:
I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity…
…I feel like a relapsing drug addict.

That is indeed an effective analogy. What you are going through has the hallmarks of anxiety, depression, and obsession, but it’s also in some ways like addiction. Addicts have to be mindful of people, places, and paraphernalia.

Well, that’s humiliating, but given how I just had another slip-up again a few minutes ago, I might be forced to conclude that you have a point. I more or less fought one off last night when I went to bed, but getting up again brought them all on again. I just feel so weak now. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. And I have to get up at 5:00 tomorrow to go back to work. Just great.

EDIT: Put the phone upstairs to eat. When my parents left for church, I slipped with the computer. God.

I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity. I went out with my friends again today and had a couple more episodes when I ducked into the bathroom. I feel like a relapsing drug addict. I wish I knew why this was happening and that I could control it, or when understand it. It’s my birthday tomorrow, what a lovely present. God, this is hellish. I go back to work the next day. This feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a bottle of Ice Mountain. It’s just so frustrating, it feels like it’s not worth fighting. I don’t know anymore.

moviefreakedmind said:

Mike O said:

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

Get rid of your computer and smartphone.

The computer belongs to my parents with whom I live. As for the phone, in spite of the compulsions, I use it for all kinds of things besides the compulsions: this, lots of stuff that I read, checking online for various things, some related to my Job, etc. Even then, with how late I’m staying up, I could probably play with my dad’s at night anyway.

I had more attacks this morning. It’s just endless. I’ve been raising my medicine, getting tested, having intense therapy, excercising, but it just feels like all of my work is for naught, like I can’t win. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so defeated.

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.