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MTHaslett

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13-Apr-2005
Last activity
4-Sep-2024
Posts
524

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Post
#174130
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/174130/action/topic#174130
Time
DP --

Glad you can take up the slack -- good ideas!

I am not around to flesh out my own right now-- but many of them are peppered through the thread already so don't toss them out without reading them first (or whatever)

For my money, this sequence is exactly as you said -- the first real slow part. The reason is, I believe, there is no threat, no sense of where we're going, or how it connects. That's why I want to bring in Maul as soon as possible and let him begin his threatening hunt.

I too want to get to dinner asap. Cut the threepio meeting until after dinner. Then have Maul arrive-- using the darkness in his shots to match with the sandstorm.

That allows us to pepper in his probe droids earlier and raise tension.

I also want to cut out the talk to Shmi before the race and cannibalize it in the farewell. Let that talk (about half of it) occur as Anakin is collecting his stuff to leave.

The idea is to let the race be the place where Qui Gon decides how special Anakin is -- not before.

I know that sounds radical and I have lots of notes on how to make it work that I haven't got time to flesh out-- do you think you can run with that much? Or is that too crazy for you?

The beats would go something more like:

dinner
maul
deal with watto
probe droid
night(first to see all the stars)
morning
brief Q and Watto talk over Sebulba (cut dice, cut idea that Q is betting for Anakin -- save that as a surprise to the audience-- cut the arrival of Anakin and the pod -- get to the race!)
probe droid
Race

Post
#171821
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171821/action/topic#171821
Time
Whoa--

First, I owe TJ an apology for not getting back to him faster -- I've been tremendously busy, but I posted here without contacting him and that must have felt vexing.

Second -- that cut is very rough and there are fixes for the concerns that I have which I think will much better reflect the script's intentions.

As to the "Force Talking," that ship has sailed. We are going to make it work because the entire climax rests upon it. Reaching out to Padme in this scene accomplishes enormous amounts. People's reactions to a rough cut are so unpredictable as to be almost, well, very little help.

I know there's no putting the cat back into the bag, but let me say that I find this sequence is great in this admittedly rough form.
Post
#171521
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171521/action/topic#171521
Time
Sounds like we're all on the same page -- it has to be a use of the Force that's consistent with convincing Qui Gonn that Anakin is the Chosen One. I totally get it now.

The way of doing it has to be specific and cinematic as well as consitent -- so maybe we'll watch the race with this in mind and come up with the way to do it.

As for the bullying -- I see what you mean InfoDroid. I like the take that is mostly there in TPM which is that Anakin lets all that roll off his back. But in the heat of the race, with the right motive and opportunity (in terms of footage we can use) I think a "Force Moment" would be perfect for cementing Qui GOnn's opinion of hte boy.

Post
#171498
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171498/action/topic#171498
Time
Yeah, give us notes from BotF as a start for the race -- I will too.

As to Force Pushing -- I'd have to be shown how Anakin comes off as bullied or angry or anything but happy to be racing again. Giving him Force Pushes in the race diminishes his piloting ability -- someone good enough to win without Force Pushes is better than someone who lashes out and stuff.

We'd need to look for a place to do it -- like if he used the force instead of that magnet hammer to get his loose hose back or something. Using the Force to cheat in a race would turn Qui Gonn off; but maybe using the Force to fend off an attack so he can win fair and square might work. I mean, we're looking to see if this guy is the CHOSEN ONE, not just some gifted kid. It's like if we saw the Bhudda or Jesus using special powers to win at cards or something -- you'd just know in an instant: this guy may be powerful, but he ain't the Chosen One.
Post
#171488
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171488/action/topic#171488
Time
Another brief shout out--

InfoDroid, do you have a problem with the BotF podrace? Because I love it already -- I just want to refocus the attention on Qui Gonn's watching the race -- that's the important thing: our Main Character.

As for Force Pushing others out of the way -- maybe Vader would do it, but the point of the PT is that Anakin and Vader are totally different. You really prefer Anakin being too lame a driver to out race these other guys, so he Force Pushes them aside so he can win? I prefer seeing the "best star pilot in the galaxy" strut his stuff. That's Anakin and not Vader. We want to see hints that Anakin can become Vader, but keep it clear that he is not on the Dark Side in any way yet.

At least, that's my interpretation.
Post
#171453
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171453/action/topic#171453
Time
Don't have long to reply -- but Darth Preston gets my vote for new resident genius. I love all those ideas. I had a different approach to the coming sandstorm/receiving message beat -- but otherwise I'm going to work with these ideas as I hadn't figured out anything. Now I'm excited!

I also agree about Magfan's great work on the dinner and podrace. I think we have one more wrinkle to add to the pod-race as that will be where QG gets the final confirmation that Anakin is THE ONE. But we'll build from BotF and not TPM.

Great WOrk!

Post
#171277
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171277/action/topic#171277
Time
Good point, Erikstormtrooper. I felt it naturally was the first time he'd used the power and that Padme struck him as an angel, so he "reached out" to her. There's nothing to tell us this, but I'm counting on it feeling as natural to everyone else as it does to me.

The weight on my side is that this energizes the scene and allows this "chosen one" to act chosen.

I'm glad the changes mostly sound so exciting to people -- they aren't easy to come up with or to execute, so they're taking some time.

Plus, the contractor just started tearing apart my kitchen today!

I'll do my best to get more script asap!
Post
#171036
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/171036/action/topic#171036
Time
The next bit of script-- sorry for the long delay.

This is the scene where we meet Anakin. I want it to contain more drama between Anakin and Padme. One thing is to make their interaction more jagged -- less understanding politeness. Another is to introduce a trick that Anakin can use: he "Force talks" to Padme when he first speaks to her. She is impressed, but doesn't know what to make of it, and being with a couple Jedi -- she's not as freaked out by it as one of us would be, and I think her reaction looks appropriate. Suprised, impressed, interested, but confused and ultimately more concerned with other things.

Anyway, here goes. I think it works better with a longer build up of Padme and Jar Jar getting the lay of the land before Anakin jumps in to talk.

INT. WATTO'S GARAGE

Watto hums the Cantina theme from ANH -- the door "pings" and Qui Gonn enters, asking for J-Type parts. -- keep everything up to Q telling JJ not to touch anything -- then cut JJ's tongue gag. (a la "BotF")

Padme looks around -- use the shot where Anakin says "Are you an angel" -- but CUT this line. Cut off the shot before Anakin's lip flap becomes too noticable. Leave the shot with out dialogue -- she's looking around, lost, interested...

CUT TO: JJ inspecting the junk (the "handheld" shot -- probably the best Jar Jar effects shot in the movie)

Then to the 2 shot of Padme and Anakin watching JJ

Then JJ leans in and turns on a droid -- it runs around.

Back to Anakin and Padme "Hey, hit the nose!"

JJ catches the droid "what?"

Back to Anakin "Hit the nose."

JJ does it and the droid folds up.

CUT TO: Close up of Anakin -- looking serious, staring at Padme (for this, use the last part of the shot where he says "I'm a person and my name is Anakin" -- he's staring hard at Padme). His voice comes over the shot -- "Force talking" accompanied by appropriate harp/Force music cue

Anakin (V.O.) "Are you..."

Padme turns to Anakin in shock -- "...an angel?" She stares and answers: "What?"

Cut to Anakin: "An angel, I hear the deep space pilots talk about them. ..."

CUT TO Padme's awed reaction: "... They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe."

CUT TO Reverse angle; Padme says "How do you know so much."

He answers her. Does his best acting in the movie. Use this shot all the way up to Anakin saying "mm-hmm. All my life." Padme's confused -- he's a pilot? But...

CUT TO: Padme's skeptical close up: "You're a slave?"

CUT TO: Anakin: "I'm a person, and my name is Anakin!"

Whoa. Easy there-- but before we get any calming down, we...

CUT TO: Qui Gonn dealing with Watto. Use the entire scene as is -- except the last shot is the close up of him pretending to smile to Watto -- no need to see him walking toward the shop again.

CUT TO: Back to Anakin "...I wouldn't have lasted so long anyway, if I wasn't so good at building things." He's calmed down. Q enters. Etc. Use the whole scene -- except cut the "Yippee!" We'll adjust Watto's dialogue to be meaner, a la BotF.

Maybe cut the JJ "double spin" as he leaves -- but everything else is good (after we adjust the music -- InfoDroid).


More later. Thoughts?
Post
#170477
Topic
Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side (the TM edit) (Released)
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/170477/action/topic#170477
Time
TROOPERMAN!!!

Those clips are tantalizing in the extreme. First, the speeder race is outstanding. What an improvement! I can easily see it as a highlight of the movie now with the new sounds, cooler dialogue, better pace, color, and that THEME! I think this is how the Saga should work -- musical themes should recur in appropriate places much more often. I think connecting this sequence to the asteroids is a great idea -- essentially showing how Anakin could effortlessly fly ways that Solo found challenging.

Second, the Raiders music fit the Zam scene perfectly to me (sorry again to disagree with another post). There are inevitable moments for everyone to have to "unlearn" previous associations with any cannibalized material. I vote that if it works, use it and let us get used to seeing a better version even if it takes us aback the first time we see it. I seriously doubt that most fans know the Indiana Jones music as well as they do Star Wars. I certainly do not.

Lastly, the bug threatening Obi Wan is perfect and inspired and the sunset change is ESSENTIAL. I nearly jumped when I saw the sunset colors disappear in the last frame -- a close up of Clieg -- it looked so lame compared to the new sunset stuff. Also, music was doing major work for us -- and the cut "eulogy" made the scene actually poignant.

I can not wait to see this thing.

I have other comments -- first, I see a missed opportunity if you simply cut the elevator scene when we intro Anakin and Obi Wan. THe dialogue in there has Anakin feeling antsy and Obi Wan saying "calm down!" I believe using the establishing footage of this scene and restricting the action to just that interchange will do lots of good. It won't be clear what Obi Wan is coming down on Anakin for. It establishes that Obi Wan is a hard-ass, all over Anakin. It establishes that Anakin is not comfortable in his skin yet. It puts their relationship in the foreground for the next sequence which, as rewritten, is about Obi Wan taking point and making Anakin follow his lead. Just starting upstairs leaves all these opportunities behind and focuses things on Padme (about whom, we really don't care yet and we never get into her head here).

Lastly, I have to speak up once more about how short sighted I believe it would be to cut the bedroom scene. This is a romance movie without romance. That scene is a functional, important chance to see Padme reveal herself to Anakin. What other scene does that? None. When a girl takes you to her bedroom, even if it's just to pack a couple things, she's taking you into her confidence. She didn't tell him "wait in the living room, I'll be right back." The scene has subtext, if it's placed properly. That's what this movie sorely lacks.

More later. Love what's been happening. Take care!
Post
#168707
Topic
Complete Trilogy Edits (Released)
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/168707/action/topic#168707
Time
Originally posted by: Rec1aimer

I'm glad you liked my edits. You really hit on one of my goals of these edits, which was to be able to watch the major events of the entire saga in a shorter amount of time. I did originally want to leave a shortened Hoth segment in, but in order to get each trilogy down to about the equivilent of the length of a single movie, I had to make a lot of tough choices. Sorry about all of the crc errors, guys. This was my first attempt at DVD authoring, so you can probably chalk that up to my lack of expirience. That also covers the music and scene transitions, too. As for the opening crawls, initially I wanted to edit the whole saga onto a single disc and only use the opening crawl from episode I, which would have made a little more sense. So for now, you just kind of have to ignore the numbering. I'll try your suggestion on burning, and see if that makes any improvement. I hope everybody was able to get their copies to work in some way though.


Rec1aimer, I received my edits and enjoyed the hell out of them. It succeeds where you wanted -- the Saga in an afternoon -- and some major things work better to maintain what the story was supposed to be about all along (like no Pod Race, gutting TPM keeps the focus on moving the story forward. Weird). I understand the bold choice to cut Hoth and Jabba-- and Jabba I do not miss. Well done, I will watch this many times! THANK YOU
Post
#168528
Topic
Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side (the TM edit) (Released)
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/168528/action/topic#168528
Time
Commander Courage: I think the order of Padme's family scene should be: Arrival, Dinner, Kitchen, Room. Maybe even delete the room scene all together. Portman's delivery is especially flat there, and there's no real appeal to the scene. The "you die if you're unable to adapt" message of course, but still I think it might be best if it was jettisoned. Also putting it before the dinner scene makes little sense as that's when they first talk to the family (at dinner). Surely they would have done so previously on the way to her room. I hope I'm making sense.
----

Reading your notes, Commander, I had to reiterate my suggestions for this sequence -- the problem with this movie is how forced an unnatural the romance feels. Any chance to create a sense of maturity and adult connection between these two needs to be taken advantage of.

The bedroom scene coming after the family stuff feels unnatural-- what are they doing? Packing. Why? To move on to the next sequence-- it's just convenient business for their dialogue -- which, coming after dinner, has no story value since the family sequence is already over.

But when you return home to pick something up, do you wait until you're about to leave to get it? Or do you pick it up first? Make sure you don't forget? It's more natural and mature for Padme to show Anakin around by herself-- revealing things about herself BEFORE he meets her family. Then the dinner scene can have subtext: he knows her better now, he knows something about her family life now. Now meeting the parents has weight.

The appeal of the scene is that it's a window into Padme. Unfortunately it has no subtext on its own. It cannot work after dinner. But, looking at real human behavior, it works fine before dinner and adds subtext to the otherwise flat dinner scene.



Post
#168346
Topic
Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side (the TM edit) (Released)
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/168346/action/topic#168346
Time
Originally posted by: Commander Courage
Trooperman: I've read over your notes, very interesting and I'll be sure to put together an organized response when I get the time. For now though, I've been wondering how do you change the key of all those music tracks? I assume it's with some type of music orchestration program but I could be way off. Such knowledge would be beneficial to us over at Starkiller Ranch.


But THIS is Starkiller Ranch
Post
#168345
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/168345/action/topic#168345
Time
Originally posted by: Trooperman
I thought about this, and came up with this possibility:

Episode I: The Rise to Power.

I wouldn't mind this title- it seems more elegant than the others. That is, if we're insisting on giving this one a subtitle.


But can I assume that title refers to Palpatine? He's just a bit player in this movie -- there's no Sidious so there's no context provided in the movie to assume his "rise" is overly significant. He's just another Chancellor at this point. "A New Hope" refers to the discovery of Luke Skywalker's ability with the Force. The title of Episode I as we're cutting it should refer to the main story too, I think -- the awakening of the Council or the discovery of Anakin -- or perhaps the self-sacrificing courage of Qui Gonn as he tries to wake up the Council to the importance of Anakin. Anyway, no one in the center of this movie rises to power -- not even Jar Jar

You're the boss, TM, but I'm holding out for all it's worth until we get a "gotta have it" title-- You came up with the idea of just Star Wars and you converted me to the bone.
Post
#167817
Topic
Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side (the TM edit) (Released)
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/167817/action/topic#167817
Time
TM: "Question: You often have competing versions of the same scene clipped together -- how do we know which one you're going with?"

Sorry...it's either because I've decided on one (but didn't go back to specifiy) or I simply haven't decided yet.

"P:I do not like this idea of hiding
A: Sometimes we must let go of our pride and do what is requested of us
P: Anakin, you’ve grown up"

Well, I was having second thoughts on this; you had made me see earlier how poor the lines and the performances are in this scene. My main concern would be that it seems to be a little bit short. I'll try it, though- either way, I'm going with a hard cut out of this scene to the departure scene, simply because of its brevity.

---

Okay, I'm still going through the notes, but it's all great so far.

I know what it's like to have something sound good in text, but not work in the editing. If the scene above is too short, so be it. I thought it kind of had length since it stretches right off the back of the "handing power to Jar jar" scene. It is a romantic beat (as reduced here -- seeing Padme recognize for the first time that Anakin is more than taller-- he's wiser too) -- I think I wanted to suggest keeping this since we could probably use all the romantic beats that reveal themselves.

Glad to see you pop up now and again! We're counting on you for not only SOTD, but as you suggested, for a quality control pass on the Ep I edit.

I'll post final thoughts when I finish your notes.
Post
#167797
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/167797/action/topic#167797
Time
Dp -- I'm glad you like so much of what you're reading here -- and I don't mind the title debate, but I get a little urked when someone uses "that would just be silly" as an argument. Especially if it's to rebuke something I believe in ;-)

If we do a good enough version of this edit, I hope we can earn the title "Star Wars". If it falls short of expectations, I'll be more than happy to support someone else's "Episode I: XX of the XXX" title.
Post
#167765
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/167765/action/topic#167765
Time
None of them were called "Episode I"

Edited to add: The idea of "Star Wars" came from Trooperman, and now I'm in love with it. The simple reason is that it helps establish "Episode I" as a stand alone movie. Calling the first movie "Episode I" demands sequels. Those movies in your example, InfoDroid, come from book series. And they aren't "Episodes". Star Wars came out as a rollicking sci-fi adventure -- that's what the real "Episode I" should be. Not a bunch of exposition and set-ups which is what TPM turned out to be.

Unless someone comes up with a "gotta have it" title, using "Star Wars" with no "Episode" has charm and is the only place such a "reinstituting" of the first release crawl can happen.

If a "gotta have it" title comes up -- okay. But Episode ONE the CHosen ONE or The Phantom Menace sure don't cut it for me. Call me stubborn, but I like Trooperman's idea.
Post
#167758
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/167758/action/topic#167758
Time
Originally posted by: olzen
Originally posted by: InfoDroid
Because it's unforgettably, unalterably, unforgiveably interwoven with one of the biggest hack-job disappointments ever committed to film.


It's not exactly a hack-job. I watched it recently and apart from Jar-Jar and the poop-jokes, I actually enjoyed it. It's a decent piece of fun escapism and that's what Star Wars is all about. Besides, the original title is probably the best thing about it! But if you're looking for an alternative, I'd suggest "Episode I: Duel of The Fates" myself.


I agree, it wasn't a hack job. It was the third sequel to a movie that didn't need sequels, however. It plays like it was filmed from the notes for a real movie, rather than from a finished script.

Anyone remember "Remo Williams: the Adventure Begins"? "Episode I" is marketing talk -- the first movie of a saga should not be called "Episode I" unless (as with TPM) it comes out fourth. In this imaginary reworking -- we're making the PT feel more OT so the whole saga holds together. This version goes 1-6 ironing out all the reasons that didn't really feel right in the Lucas releases.

Star Wars -- without "Episode ONE the Chosen ONE" or anything like it -- is how the series started in '77. I find it fitting and lovely to have the Starkiller Saga hold onto that and incorporate it.

If we are successful, this version of Episode I should play as a stand-alone film. TPM has a lot of tied up ends-- but none of them feel tied up because Sidious is more powerful than ever, Anakin's story has only begun without any development or conclusion, Qui Gonn's death amounted to nothing (unless it's as a postumous favor to him that the Council trains Anakin), and the Trade Federation isn't even really defeated. Doing it right means getting to an ending that feels like an ending -- not a beginning.

Making the walk to Mos Espa echo the droid hike will never make it a copy-- anymore than the Death Star run in ROTJ is a copy of the one in ANH. In ANH, the droids wander aimlessly, in TPM, Qui Gonn walks with purpose. Why can't we get a sense of how desolate this planet is while he walks? That's what the droid hike accomplished that TPM took for granted.
Post
#167569
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/167569/action/topic#167569
Time
Not a lot, but here's the next snippet of script --

CUT TO:

INT COCKPIT
Seeing the same Tatooine matte painting through the windshield
Qui Gonn instructs them to land near outskirts NOT

CHANGE: Qui Gonn dialogue replace: "Space ports like this one are havens for people who don't wish to be found." Use instead of "land near the outskirts."

EXT. TATOOINE
The ship lands

INT. QUEEN"S THRONE ROOM
(It will take good dialogue mixing to make this scene work, but it will save us so much dead weight and activate a pretty dead scene, check it out Jedi, Artoo and Panaka stand before Queen. (I know the R2 damage has already been repaired, so let's not see him as much as possible) Use master shot first, but instead of hearing the Queen talk, we hear Qui Gonn dialogue as if his report is in progress--

"...Tatooine, [cut] Your highness. It's..."

Med shot of Qui GOnn: "...in a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation."

On Queen, her placid reaction: "Padme" she says. Padme crosses out from behind her...

Close on Qui Gonn, observing silently

On Queen: "Continue, Captain." Panaka turns to Qui Gonn : "Her highness...

On Panaka (shot as he says "I do not agree..." etc. sync as well as possible): "...commands you to take her handmaiden with you." [ Cut away when the non-sync gets too obvious]

Back to Master using this angle to cover the rest of Panaka's dialogue as he finishes

Close on Qui Gonn (from when he says "trust me") his reaction is not defiant, but not happy -- "This is not a good idea..." he says. Try it a couple different ways to get the most resigned, but pessimistic reaction on his face. CUT TO (eliminate wipe)

INT. SHIP
Qui Gonn passes Obi Wan working on the hyperdrive. Use scene as is -- a disturbance in the Force. No communications. QG leaves and we a NEW THEME begins to play as we WIPE TO

EXT. TATOOINE

...It's the "TATOOINE THEME" for Ep 1. InfoDroid, give us good Tatooine music like the droid hike in ANH -- maybe the same theme -- as this whole sequence all the way into Watto's shop is without dialogue and played for musical intro to Tatooine.

Crop all shots so we can't see the city in the distance.

Long Shot of QG, JJ, and R2

Med shot of same as they turn, reacting to someone behind them

Long shot of Panaka leading Padme -- crop out the ship behind them

CU Shot of Qui Gonn's face emoting "this is not a good idea"

Med Shot of QG starting to walk again and Padme following as Panaka stays (crop out ship again)

Long shot of QG, JJ, P and R2 walking toward distance (crop out city)

Dissolve to same shot cropped different: this time shot is jus the horizon with the city, no figures walking in the foreground. WIPE TO

QG leading group into town -- up to a point where two figures cross dramatically in the foreground (right before JJ steps in dog doo) -- CUT To

QG et al walking straight toward camera, QG stops before us and looks screen left. CUT to

The flipped/reversed second half of this shot (minus a little movement at the head) so that QG leads the group screen left toward some buildings -- CUT TO

The Long Shot rising second half of the "walking into town shot" -- picking up where it feels natural in terms of how close JJ is to the troup. We pull up and back, seeing the whole city swallow them -- CUT TO

INT. WATTO'S GARAGE

Watto hums the Cantina theme from ANH -- the door "pings" and Qui Gonn enters...

A more adventerous intro to Mos Espa -- more majestic, especially if you imagine that haunting theme from ANH -- Is there a good reason we can't use the same music?

Anyway -- that's all for now. More soon.
Post
#166518
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/166518/action/topic#166518
Time
Darth Preston -- Love the Droid sound suggestion -- didn't know InfoDroid was already on top of it

---

Here's the next bit of script:

---

EXT. NABOO CITY

Establishing shot -- cut away before Bongo surfaces

INT. PALACE

Nute marches Queen down stairs and hands them over to droids

EXT. PALACE
They march down the steps
Out across the quad
Seen from a balcony, they march from right to left
Seen again from the balcony, a silhouette passes before camera (Qui Gonn -- shave this shot as much as possible while still feeling natural)
Ground level shot as Queen marches through alley
Reverse shot as Jedi leap off gangway--
Jedi dispatch droids and lead Queen away - talk to Governor; Panaka leads them to the Hanger

INT. HANGER
Establish hanger
Panaka looks in (cut his line -- leave some of his lip movement if you need to, but he looks in and then looks at QG) CUT TO
QG turning from having looked (no "That won't be a problem") he talks to the Queen
Play the rest out -- except OMIT the lines where Amidala consults Padme -- Go from Governor saying "Senator Palpatine will need your help" to Amidala saying "Then I will plead our case to the Senate."

They march into the hanger and OW says he'll take care of the pilots
QG marches up to the yellow droid -- before it says "halt" CUT TO
The yellow droid close up as he leans forward to say "You're under arrest"

QG cuts loose as does OW and they get everyone on the ship

INT QUEEN'S SHIP COCKPIT
Shave the shot of the pilot sitting to just the movement of him sitting -- no walking and no button pushing -- enough to feel natural, but at least half of this shot can go

EXT. PALACE
The ship flies off

INT QUEEN SHIP DROID STORAGE
OW leaves JJ with droids -- keep it all

INT COCKPIT
QG arrives (shave shot by half) As soon as he arrives, the pilot says (CUT TO Close up) "There's-..." CUT TO:

Shot out the windshield
"...the blockade!" Lasers pour at us

CU of QG as OW arrives behind him
More out windshield

EXT. SHOT as ship flies up -- taking fire. CLOSE UP of shield generator hit

INT. SHOT -- display of ship on dashboard; alarms; Pilot's Voice starts immediately OVER this image: "Shield..." CUT TO
Close up of Pilot: "...generator's been..." CUT TO
Alarm on the wall, (voice continues): "...hit!" Alarm continues--

INT DROID STAGING
Droids pour out and start leaving. Artoo bumps JJ and leaves. (Shorten JJ's reaction shot, try to keep him from looking like he's talking)

EXT. SHIP
Droids work, get blown up

INT COCKPIT
OW says 'We're losing droids fast" Move Panaka's line to play out over QG's close up "If we don't get the generator up we'll be sitting ducks!"
Pilot: shields are gone
Artoo plugs in the bypass
The display powers up.
The Pilot notices -- but cut his line (he doesn't say "the power's back!")-- let his face talk
Artoo welds the connection
The pilot (seen from behind) "That little droid did it!"
Over the Qui Gonn close up: "Deflector shields up at maximum"--

EXT DROID CONTROL SHIP
The Queen's ship flies past the guns
Artoo heads inside
ADD A SHOT -- Droid fighters fly over the Control Ship toward camera (reverse shot from the battle at the end -- right after Padme gets captured and before Anakin says "We're hit artoo!")

INT COCKPIT
ADD SOUNDS OF BLASTS HITTING SHIELDS
Display shows the hyperdrive -- pilot's voice says "not enough power, etc."
Shot of pilot: 'The hyperdrive is leaking!"
The rest of the shots play out -- WITH LOTS OF BOOMS AND BLASTS TO PUNCTUATE
(They're calm attitude will now play like courage and confidence in the face of the enemy, instead of a strange dramatic lull.)
QG says "that gives us the advantage..." CUT TO

EXT QUEEN'S SHIP
As it flies off fast enough to disappear from view-- outrunning any droid fighters behind it. CUT TO:

INT. NUTE'S DROID SHIP

Nute stands on the bridge with his flunkies (a "hologram removal" shot-- the first shot of the Nemoidian leaders talking to Sidious with Sidious removed -- like they're looking out the window CUT TO

Close up of Nute
Dialogue is more or less -- "I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. This had better work" -- No, wait... I mean Flunky: "The Jedi must have helped her. If she reaches the Senate..."
Nute: "It makes no difference, we have already won. And I have made a deal so that she can never escape my reach..."

WIPE TO:

EXT SPACE
The Queen's ship zooms by

INT QUEEN'S SHIP
Padme cleans Artoo and meets Jar Jar (we'll adjust JJ's dialogue to juice this up, but Amidala is SHOWING her gratitude to Artoo rather than TELLING us about it -- and she's meeting JJ which makes this a valuable scene) WIPE TO:

A star field -- then we pan UP and see Tatooine. A flipped version of the opening shot of ANH -- a much more fitting intro of the planet than the little pea we see the ship flying toward in TPM .

Pilot Voice Over: "That's it, Tatooine"

CUT TO:

INT COCKPIT
Seeing the same matte painting through the windshield
Qui Gonn instructs them to land near outskirts

---

Post
#166273
Topic
The legendary "Starkiller Ranch" Thread
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/166273/action/topic#166273
Time
Well, he won't be a BOMBA GENERAL in this version -- and we'll barely see him in the battle, so that's not an issue.

I agree with TJ that we can only go so far -- but let's say he was clumsy when he allowed the crystal to be stolen -- would it make the least bit of sense to explain it to someone in this fashion: "I was banished because... I'm clumsy." ?? No, you were banished because you lost the crystal. So if we can take out OW's line "...because you're clumsy?" it will improve things in a couple ways -- making sense and being less pseudo-comical.