BillionaireHobo287

HansiG said:

Episode VII

The Fiery Fall of Kylo Ren and his Knight Battle

Kylo Ren: If only I had

out of ideas, come to this section later

Rey kneeled down and choked on Kylo Ren’s lightsaber.

Kylo Ren: Now you know the power of dark side!

Kylo Ren smiled as Rey took off her robes, only for Luke to pop up from them.

Luke Skywalker: Why Ben, why? Why did you go to dark Sid?

Kylo Ben: DARK SID IS WAY COOLER YOU TWAT

epic lightsaber battle ensues

Luke strikes but is has win

Kylo Ren: nooo why

Luke Skywalker: This is what you get for killing Han Solo (OMG I STILL DONT BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY KILELD HAN D: 1 like 1 respect for han)

Shivered Kylo Ren cried on the floor like a baby

Luke takes a sip from Kylo Ren’s foutain and becomes young again

Luke: So, Rey, how about we go to Coruscant?

Luke grabbed Rey and they ran away on in a in Millenia Fall

Snoke: But you dont not winning (dun dun dun!!!)

roll credits

Type your criticism BUT IF YOUR’RE A HEATER THEN DONT’T WRITE NOTHING ITS MY STZORY I YO DONT LIKE DONT READ! Constructive criticism Compliments only plox 😉 :^* :^* :^* :^* □

I liked when it ended.

I know this is all seems trivial to you, but I want to see if I have writing talent. I want to know if the last months of my life thinking about stories were wasted. I mean, come on, I don’t mean to be annoying. I’ll look at as many alligator pictures as you want if you just give the third draft a quick read and a 1-10 rating.

ray_afraid said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

Density said:

Putting on my serious face for a second, I have actually seen no anime, except maybe a couple episodes of Pokemon years ago if that counts. But I have less than zero interest in it, so… Knock yourselves out if you like it.

Watch the first 3 minutes of this, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qd0i5KR4hIM , and if you aren’t hooked, anime doesn’t fit you.

That’s not true. Not liking one story doesn’t mean you’ll hate every story ever told.
I don’t like that Fullmeatal show, but I loved Cowboy Bebop.
Also, if someone has no interest in something, why try shoving it on them? I have friends with zero interest in Star Wars, and I’ve got no plans to make them watch it.

I agree, but I’m seeing from this guy’s point of view. He hates anime because he saw some episodes of Pokemon.

Why? Overhype? Sucky second half?

Conversation.

Density said:

Putting on my serious face for a second, I have actually seen no anime, except maybe a couple episodes of Pokemon years ago if that counts. But I have less than zero interest in it, so… Knock yourselves out if you like it.

Watch the first 3 minutes of this, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qd0i5KR4hIM , and if you aren’t hooked, anime doesn’t fit you. Brothers try to ressurect their mother, and awful shit happens. The English acting is one of the best in the business too, so that helps.

If you are hooked, watch the entire original series then move on to a reboot called Brotherhood. It was all available on Netflix, but it might not be there anymore.

EDIT: What you are judging from FUCKING POKEMON (shit series even in the beginning) is the equivalent of a Japanese person thinking American cinema sucks just from watching Michael Bay’s Transformers movies despite Pixar, Star Wars, the Godfather Part I and II, Casablanca, Vertigo, Citizen Kane, etc. I admit I only like the Fullmetal Alchemist series, Attack on Titan, and the Avatar series because I haven’t seen much of it, but there are some insane anime movies out there. There are things you can do in animation that are impossible in live action.

Yeah, popular anime tends to suck, but just look at Transformers and Twilight.

Dek Rollins said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

If you have seen it, can everybody who has just agree how much more sense it makes? The 2003 series’ Wrath is CONVOLUTED AS HELL (SPOILERS Oh, look! It’s a kid who was a failed human transmutation who is actually successful and was sacrificed to the Gate of Truth in a ritual that required sacrifice to make him in the first place and turned him into a weird black baby who took Edward Elric’s limbs to live in our world in an island for years until the Elrics’ found him, and yadayadada END SPOILERS), and the twists at the end are just too much for my brain to process (Parallel worlds? Nazis? Couldn’t Ed just kill himself to return back to Amestris? This doesn’t count as spoilers because knowing the twist before is better than going in blind).

I would recommend reading the original comic of FMA. If you have to watch it, then watch FMA: Brotherhood. The 2003 series surpassed the comic and just wrote it’s own story (which is why Brotherhood was made, in a way).

I disagree. The reason the 2003 series HAS to be seen first is because a. It’s good and cannot be enjoyed well after watching the fast-paced Brotherhood and b. It does total justice to Maes Hughes, who is EXTREMELY important to the main characters and their stories (especially Roy Mustang since an event involving Maes Hughes was practically the inciting incident for him to move on to Edward Elric’s level as a protagonist). If the 2003 series was created with the stories of the Homunculi and Dante in mind since the beginning, it might’ve made more sense.

Maybe you don’t want to watch the entire series, but at least watch the first 25 episodes, and that way you have around 10 episodes of recap in Brotherhood with a fast pace and as much new material as possible working from the manga/comic (counting Episode 1 and 11 as one because they do have 2003 series elements despite seemingly being their own thing).

Density said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

TV’s Frink said:

I’ve seen all of it. It’s all objectively bad.

Are you joking, or did you just not enjoy them because of overhype or cultural differences?

I too have seen all of them. I didn’t enjoy them, but not because they were overhyped or cultural differences. As a matter of fact, I wish American culture was more like Japanese culture as I wish it was socially acceptable to watch cartoon schoolgirls get molested by tentacles. I also like stuff that is overhyped because I like to be a contrarian to contrarians. So that wasn’t the problem.

No, I just didn’t think it was clear enough when anime characters were expressing emotions. I found the whole thing far too subtle and found it difficult to understand character motivations. It needed more ridiculously exaggerated character animation and more characters screaming things obnoxiously that no human would ever say. Plus, the acting wasn’t nearly bad enough for my tastes.

If you haven’t seen it, the Fullmetal Alchemist reboot may be exactly like what you are looking for. The story includes a new form of alchemy, and shows the Elrics’ adventures with goofy people from the China-parallel country of Xing and the terrifying hardened battle-machines from Fort Briggs.

If you have seen it, can everybody who has just agree how much more sense it makes? The 2003 series’ Wrath is CONVOLUTED AS HELL (SPOILERS Oh, look! It’s a kid who was a failed human transmutation who is actually successful and was sacrificed to the Gate of Truth in a ritual that required sacrifice to make him in the first place and turned him into a weird black baby who took Edward Elric’s limbs to live in our world in an island for years until the Elrics’ found him, and yadayadada END SPOILERS), and the twists at the end are just too much for my brain to process (Parallel worlds? Nazis? Couldn’t Ed just kill himself to return back to Amestris? This doesn’t count as spoilers because knowing the twist before is better than going in blind).

TV’s Frink said:

DuracellEnergizer said:

yhwx said:

Shouldn’t this be on the Script Writing and Re-Writing board?

He’s been dissuaded from posting there due to the lack of active participation.

Of course, refusing to actively participate does nothing to correct the state of affairs.

All irrelevant. I can post pictures of alligators until someone buys me one, but that doesn’t make it any less fucking annoying.

You can just ignore me genius. I’d like to ignore you too.

There’s nothing here.

TV’s Frink said:

I’ve seen all of it. It’s all objectively bad.

Are you joking, or did you just not enjoy them because of overhype or cultural differences?

yhwx said:

Shouldn’t this be on the Script Writing and Re-Writing board?

It will be when somebody gives positive feedback.

EDIT: Here’s the script of the first scene if anybody wants to give it a rewrite or dialouge: http://pastebin.com/kA9Ty9E0

TV’s Frink said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

EDIT: Did my second script suck too much for anyone to comment?

REY
Why won’t he stop?

[Luke hangs himself]

That’s a question, and not confirmation. Did anybody read the second script first scene?

Lord Haseo said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

Lord Haseo said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

Lord Haseo said:

Why can’t Kylo just be evil? lol

Also you should stick with your original act one and then write it from there.

The brainwashing aspect is very logical considering the way he acts and was designed (similar to religious crusader knights)

Ok, I’m kind of confused. Do you mean brainwashed as in convinced to be apart of something to the point of having little to no free will? Or do you mean brainwashed as in mind control?

It’s more like intense emotional and mental manipulation since childhood alongside indoctrination. For example, Ben was taught by Snoke that Darth Vader (not Anakin) was a good person, Snoke alienated Ben from all of his friends so that Snoke would be the closest thing to a friend (Rey was the exception), etc.

I’m fine with that so long as he was actually seduced to the Dark Side like Leia said and not tricked like Anakin was or had his mind dominated like Revan and Malak

EDIT: Any feedback on the third draft?

Deleted because it will not be updated here and instead here: http://originaltrilogy.com/topic/BillionaireHobo-Sequel-Trilogy-and-more/id/50736

Lord Haseo said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

Lord Haseo said:

Why can’t Kylo just be evil? lol

Also you should stick with your original act one and then write it from there.

The brainwashing aspect is very logical considering the way he acts and was designed (similar to religious crusader knights)

Ok, I’m kind of confused. Do you mean brainwashed as in convinced to be apart of something to the point of having little to no free will? Or do you mean brainwashed as in mind control?

It’s more like intense emotional and mental manipulation since childhood alongside indoctrination. For example, Ben was taught by Snoke that Darth Vader (not Anakin) was a good person, Snoke alienated Ben from all of his friends so that Snoke would be the closest thing to a friend (Rey was the exception), etc.

It’s really sad stuff that feels way too dark for a Star Wars movie. I thought the “I am God” line would be enough to convey the brainwashing, but apparently it ended up cheesy and laughable out of context.

Call me a weakling, but I can’t take it when a movie is all sadness, or isn’t actively trying to be as happy as possible (it can still have depressing stuff). If I portrayed all the brainwashing, the movie would start out extremely bleak and depressing with constant drama.

EDIT: I think I’ll hint at the brainwashing instead of showing it, and instead show how it affected Ben as a person.

I tried writing the bullying scene, but I can’t write good uncliche bullies, and the only aspect from it that matters is that it sets up his reactive attachment to Snoke and the brainwashing. Considering I can implement the brainwashing into the first scene, and the reactive attachment isn’t enough to keep Kylo as Snoke’s pawn, I’m keeping it cut out.

EDIT: I’m open to a cowriter because events in real life have destroyed my writing ability.

TV’s Frink said:

Does anime have to be bad?

Yes.

However if it is bad that doesn’t automatically make it anime, so we’re at a bit of a standoff here.

Watch Fullmetal Alchemist and then tell me all anime is bad. I may write crappy scripts, but you don’t have to be a snob to have decent taste for anime.

It’s about two brothers who try to revive their mom but end up damaged. One brother ends up a disembodied soul in a suit of armor, and the other loses an arm and a leg (then gets artificial limbs from his childhood friend). They try to restore their bodies via the sinister Philosopher’s Stone, but discover a conspiracy involving immortality and primal embodiments of the Seven Deadly Sins. Alongside them is a total fucking badass who can create explosions by snapping his fingers and a mysterious serial killer.

There’s an original series and a reboot called Brotherhood. Watch the original then the reboot and ignore the movies (except probably the live action adaptation which is coming out).

There’s a lot of “good” anime like Cowboy Bebop and Evangelion, but I haven’t seen more than one episode of Bebop and nothing of Evangelion.

I think I need to make it clearer that Kylo Ren was brainwashed, and maybe cut out the Knights of Ren scene so that they are more menacing. Then I need to improve the dialouge somehow, or remove as much of it as possible. Any more feedback?

EDIT: I’m realizing the screenwriting tips I followed were totally pretentious lol

I have officially lost my writing ability.

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Imagine you could have a talented director makes the prequels, but you would have to sacrifice one backstory to the devil himself, George Lucas. Who would you pick?

I think it would be Boba Fett for me. He is the definition of overrated. He’s cool, but not that cool and does nothing except help find Han Solo.

EDIT: Choose a major and/or popular character.

I want to see:

• Film Noir Crime Drama set in between the original and sequel trilogies about a space cop trying take down the gangsters that have been trying to fill the power vaccuum caused by the death of Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi.
• Science Fiction movie about discrimination against droids, droid rights, and the nature of droids.
• Old Republic movie retconning as much stupid stuff from the prequels as possible
• Drama Horror about a survivor of the Jedi Purge hunted by monsterous Inquisitors with parallels to the Holocaust
• Jar Jar biopic about his tragic childhood in Naboo with cameos by young Han Solo explaining that Han Solo only acted tough because Jar Jar stole his candy once (equivalent to Anakin’s terrible motivations in Revenge of the Sith: Why does Darth Vader personally murder children and destroy planets? He had a dream his girlfriend was going to die.)
• Darth Vader v. Goku: Dawn of… America? I dunno…

1. The Empire Strikes Back
2. Star Wars(1977)/The Force Awakens
3. Return of the Jedi
4. Revenge of the Sith
5. Attack of the Clones/The Clone Wars
6. The Phantom Menace

The Empire Strikes Back is obviously the best.

Star Wars and the Force Awakens are so similar in quality and execution that I had to make it a tie. The Force Awakens can be a bland rehash, but it has better cinematography, acting, dialouge, etc. than the original Star Wars.

Return of the Jedi is by default better than all the prequels.

Revenge of the Sith is the most enjoyable of the prequels (not saying much), but it’s an inherently flawed retread of what we already know from the original trilogy explained in pointless detail.

The worst three movies are all very similar in quality to me (unwatchable garbage), but the Phantom Menace is the worst for its historical value: it ruined Star Wars forever and is the most dissapointing movie of all time. Now, the Jedi are really boring, the Force is exclusive instead of inclusive, Darth Vader is portrayed by a terrible child actor, etc. The only solutions to fix the saga after the Phantom Menace came out is to reboot or just force the non-George-Lucas writers to work around all the dumb stuff introduced in the movie.

TheQuazz said:

We’re not talking about The Clone Wars and viewing orders, we’re talking about The Clone Wars viewing order.

Well, my Clone Wars viewing order is to not view the Clone Wars. It makes perfect sense.