No better viewing order.
I would not reccomend the prequels, including the overrated Clone Wars TV show. If you like nurturing good imagination, you should not show this to ANYBODY. The prequels do little other than to retread what’s already been said in the original trilogy and therefore diminish the world building in the original trilogy.
The original trilogy relied on mystery to immerse the audience and improve its characters. When C3P0 introduces himself as Human-Cyborg Relations, it opens your mind to a racial conflict between humans and cyborgs, and the fact that it is just a cliff note makes the world seem grand. When the Clone Wars is mentioned similarly, it has the same effect, but that is diminished when the prequels are viewed.
Boba Fett would not work if his backstory was filled in because it was the mystery that made the character cool to some degree. Darth Vader is also miles less compelling if you watch even an optimized fan edit because the central story of Revenge of the Sith was flawed and only worked for how much better it was than the previous prequels. Ultimately, Darth Vader helps destroy planets and kills countless loyal Imperial Officers because… he had a dream his girlfriend would die. Darth Vader is almost too evil to have a decent backstory, and the final nail on the coffin is people’s imaginations. Any thing you can imagine for Darth Vader’s origin is more compelling to you than any movie prequel ever could.
tl;dr For a TV, only watch Star Wars Rebels and the to-be-release dStar Wars movies and nothing else because the prequels ruin the world-building and characters of the OT.
I think the more restrained Ren fits there, because that sort of rage beneath the surface seems more dangerous and already has a viewer wondering in the back of their mind, what’s he going to do when he really lashes out?
As far as the black comedy, it can work even with the context of the villains (what does one call the “apology accepted Captain Needa” scene from ESB if not calling for very dark laughs?), its just a little riskier in an opening because you don’t want the audience too comfortable in associating that tone with the antagonists unless its a consistent element.
With the First Order and their presence as a threat, I think the visual and symbolic shorthand is really potentially effective tool in demonstrating that. I’ve mentioned the example in ESB, but ANH as well paints the picture of what the Empire is with just with the Star Destroyer engulfing the Tantive IV and Vader surveying the dead Rebels on board.
The image you suggested in the opening crawl could be the key to selling why the Snoke’s forces are dangerous right now. Maybe we see images of the New Republic now scrambling to maintain order and the Resistance struggling with supplies and coordination (perhaps via surveillance/security video Hux and company are watching if you still want a villain opening) and then we cut to the First Order and it is organized, it is well maintained, and it is disciplined. One overt visual contrast and we immediately know that in a sea of galactic chaos, this is the group that is still in deadly control of itself. They lost their base/weapon, and not only haven’t they not fallen they’re still running like clockwork.
Finally as it pertains to Snoke, I don’t know your full story; it feels like there should be some kind of intrigue to his order of taking out Luke. Perhaps its something involving Rey or some weakness of Skywalker’s Snoke thinks he knows, but “evil overlord ordering destruction of one of the heroes” is such a standard scene in fiction like Star Wars that one kind of needs to have some sort of pizzazz or hook to keep the audience fully interested.
I nod in agreement at all of these, but in traditional OT fashion, the galaxy’s state will only be explained or shown if relevant to the plot or emotional story of the characters. The chaos is still coming.
Snoke is malleable to the drama of the protagonists: Rey, Finn, and Kylo Ren. For Episode VIII, he’s really similar to the canon version: an ancient obssesed with the Skywalker “bloodline” for its midichlorian count (I did say that midichlorians will be debunked). This will definetly change for my Episode IX, which I only have vague ideas about.
Kylo feels like he should be more active and the “miserable wreck” angle feels a little too played up. Force Awakens had the audience wondering who this person was, and I think it might work if the question is now “after killing Han and being beaten by Rey, what does he do?” Granted there’s potential in the scorned and pitied Ren gradually changing/evolving over the course of the film, but him appearing this, well, pathetic this early might be a bit of a turnoff to the audience.
Not helped by there being no real threatening hook with Hux or Snoke to really sell the threat of the First Order in significant fashion. It doesn’t have to be a typical “villains demonstrating how evil they are over the heroes” scene either, just something that really sets the tone for what the antagonists are in the rest of the film. Like in ESB, the scene with Vader sells the Empire’s scope with Star Destroyers/Executor, his intuition in finding the Rebels, and the subtle dismissal of lesser officers like Ozzel. From that you know the Empire is still dangerous, Vader obsessed with Skywalker, and get an idea of Darth’s place within the Imperial order.
This is just the opening, and there’s plenty of places to go from it, but for the first scene with the antagonists, Snoke laying out Ren’s failures and little else other than talk of more training just doesn’t seem like it grabs an audience all that much. Just my take, though.
THANK YOU! I’ll try to push the menace of the First Order more here, but I’m not sure it works here, considering it initially starts out black comedy-ish and only Snoke has buisness being intimidating.
I’ll try to make Kylo more admirable as well. This is the one scene where Kylo will be “pathetic”, and I guarentee that later on, the First Order will be just as powerful as the Empire. I definetly need a stronger hook. Doesn’t the threat of Snoke to Kylo and the threat of the First Order to the Jedi hook enough?
EDIT: Edited the first scene, hopefully for the last time. What about the good in that scene?
The script is disengaging.
Dude, I don’t want to bother you anymore than I already have, but you are practically asking me to demand more feedback on the script! How is it disengaging?
I wouldn’t call it that. I wanted a Star Wars series made in the anime style.
The more that I think about, the more I start to like it. Everybody but Frink and Tyr. would like it. (Assuming it was objectively good, however)
And not done in that annoying Sailor Moon/Pokemon/whateverthebigeyedovertlycartoonishstyleiscalled style.
Considering Lucasfilm and Disney are American companies (don’t quote me; I don’t know shit about that), I would think a Star Wars anime would only be animated by a Japanese company or just try to mimick anime’s style like the Avatar series. When every character has a small head and big eyes, it gets annoying, but it’s not so bad when there is more character diversity (any good anime should have that; gotta bring up Fullmetal Alchemist again though it does have some annoying designs like the 2003 Wrath).
In all honesty, from what Iv read, it doesn’t interest me much. The banter between the Knights of Ren and Kylo is kinda cringey. Sorry, you were begging for opinions…even if they’re negative.
HUH? I cut out that scene… 😦 Or are you counting Snoke as part of the Knights despite there being no actual Knights.
EDIT: Prequels that cover the fall of Anakin and the Republic are inherently flawed for doing so, so there’s not much interest for me there. Are they good enough that I can learn more about screenwriting by reading the treatments.
I wholeheartedly disagree. The fall of Anakin is a great story to tell if done right. If it were executed better than it would make certain events of the OT that much more emotional. I think most of us can agree that we wish the prequels were done better with such an amazing premise. The fact that (IMO) George kinda fucked up that story, makes it all the more dissapointing.
EDIT:
I do enjoy Hal’s cut of Ep.3 and will watch it every once in a while.
I have another thread for this. Please stop being offtopic before I passively agressively do unto you what was done to me on Lord Haseo’s suck thread. I, at least, was ontopic then.
To my recollection that’s never happened in any Star Wars movie, and there’s no such precedent for such a thing happening. Doesn’t feel Star Wars-y to me.
Yes, because who would want to see new, unprecedented things happen in a sequel?
Yeah, but there are certain things that feel like Star Wars and things that don’t. This crosses the don’t line for me.
Didn’t happen but was planned to happen.
Lots of things in the development of a script happen. That doesn’t mean that they’re all good ideas.
It’s the reason Darth Vader has a breathing mask,
You sure about that?
and Anakin’s fall might be very different if the design wasn’t change to fit the story of the first Star Wars (could’ve been a bland grey suit; don’t buy the bullshit that George had everything planned out
I don’t.
because Darth Vader was basically a religious Nazi enforcer in the first Star Wars and nothing more).
Correct.
Star Wars fans have gotten incredibly close-minded since the prequels.
How have we got ‘close minded?’
I understand why, but man has it gotten old. You’d think after Rebels and the Force Awakens, people would stop craving the same.
Have you checked the TFA review thread?
If Episode 8 was the Empire Strikes Back again, maybe this would change.
I’m not sure what else VIII could be.
I too am glad that the topic has switched from bashing me to on topic.
Me too.
Wasn’t talking about whether or not ideas during development are all good ideas. That’s in the spirit of Star Wars because it was written for the first Star Wars. You said it wasn’t. Is having a farting baby Hutt good because it happened in a Star Wars movie (the Clone Wars)? Or romantic dialouge about sand?
http://www.starwars.com/news/from-concept-to-screen-bringing-darth-vader-to-life Can’t get any more sure than that. It’s kinda ordered wrong, but it does have a direct statement from Ralph McQuarrie himself, the guy who designed all of Star Wars.
I’m talking a little more specifically about you. You seem to only want copies of what came before in Star Wars and can’t even begin imagining something different.
My idea of Episode 8 included alienation, discrimination, identity confusion, etc. (all things not in ESB) I don’t mean to sound pretentious (I know it’s all in the execution and that ideas are worthless) but it was really there. If only someone cared enough to read them. Why post the rest of it if people can’t critique my work beyond “it sucked, get the hell out of here offtopic ontopic person”?
Rebels made it so that the reasoning behind Yoda having a lightsaber is because he and ALL JEDI WHO FOUGHT IN THE CLONE WARS FELL TO THE DARK SIDE. Palpatine has a lightsaber because… I guess he’s just a dick from the dark side.
Now that I think about it, that was an insane retcon that could not be better. If only… a PT reboot. sigh
To my recollection that’s never happened in any Star Wars movie, and there’s no such precedent for such a thing happening. Doesn’t feel Star Wars-y to me.
Yes, because who would want to see new, unprecedented things happen in a sequel?
Yeah, but there are certain things that feel like Star Wars and things that don’t. This crosses the don’t line for me.
Didn’t happen but was planned to happen. It’s the reason Darth Vader has a breathing mask, and Anakin’s fall might be very different if the design wasn’t change to fit the story of the first Star Wars (could’ve been a bland grey suit; don’t buy the bullshit that George had everything planned out because Darth Vader was basically a religious Nazi enforcer in the first Star Wars and nothing more).
Star Wars fans have gotten incredibly close-minded since the prequels. I understand why, but man has it gotten old. You’d think after Rebels and the Force Awakens, people would stop craving the same. If Episode 8 was the Empire Strikes Back again, maybe this would change.
I too am glad that the topic has switched from bashing me to on topic.
Off topic. *obligatory series of insults and gifs
This is actually off topic though(unlike what I did), so shut the hell up.
Why even post about anime in a thread about anthology/spinoff films? Read the fucking title.
In all honesty, from what Iv read, it doesn’t interest me much. The banter between the Knights of Ren and Kylo is kinda cringey. Sorry, you were begging for opinions…even if they’re negative.
HUH? I cut out that scene… 😦 Or are you counting Snoke as part of the Knights despite there being no actual Knights.
EDIT: Prequels that cover the fall of Anakin and the Republic are inherently flawed for doing so, so there’s not much interest for me there. Are they good enough that I can learn more about screenwriting by reading the treatments.
Three stars.
Maybe two and a half.
I hate to be guilty of asking too much, but what was wrong with it for you? I’ve edited the story with what are hopefully-but-probably-not improvements.
Here’s what I would have done:
Episode I sets up everything that follows in the rest of the saga. It’s a “Godfather 2” like blend of scenes that show how the rise of Palpatine in the “present” mirrors the initial rise of the Sith in the ancient past. We get to see the historical foundations of the Jedi/Sith and their conflict, in addition to beginning to set the stage for the more immediate “future” of the OT. Most of the movie would have been set in a similar-ish time to TPM (albeit not with all that crap with the Trade Federation and Naboo - basically a totally different story), but no kiddie Anakin or anything. The story instead just follows some Jedi (Obi-Wan included) as they begin to discover that the Sith might be returning. These scenes occasionally cut to scenes showing some of the ancient Jedi Order’s first conflict with the Sith. These flashbacks are short but are strategically inserted for relevance, perhaps as the Jedi research the history of the Sith. Their placement also hints at (but doesn’t explicitly reveal) that Palpatine is the Sith the Jedi are looking for in the “present.” Maybe at the end of the movie, we first see a young Anakin (who is already a padawan) in a brief cameo to set the stage for the next couple movies. Maybe show how he is selected to become Obi-Wan’s apprentice. But he is not the focus and he sure doesn’t accidentally blow up a ship.
Episode II shows, like AotC does, the beginnings of the Clone Wars and again focuses on Palpatine’s masterminding these events. However, this time give him a real reason for a war and make the stakes higher. Open the movie with a series of “false flag” terrorist attacks across the galaxy set up by Palpatine and made to look like they were carried out by an enemy (Separatists, whoever, doesn’t really matter - but don’t make the soldiers droids, make them real people). Palpatine also leaves hints that raise questions if the Jedi might have been in cohorts with them, setting the stage for his plan in the next movie. Meanwhile, we see Obi-Wan and Anakin’s friendship in full bloom now. Make their first scene an exciting action sequence on a Jedi mission where they save each others’ asses, not just some vague talk in an elevator about “a nest of gundarks.” Give them a real rapport and invest the audience in their friendship.
There can also be a “love story” here to show how Luke and Leia’s parents met, but make it just a minor subplot; maybe Anakin has to try to win a hard-to-get Padme (or whoever) over throughout the movie but doesn’t succeed until the end after he saves her or something, and their romance from then on out is implied. Again, establish a real rapport between the characters and make us care about their relationship. Don’t just tell us they are “in love” because. And skip all that shit about the Jedi not being allowed to love, there was no hint of this in the originals and it is stupid. Lucas seems to be under the impression that “forbidden” love is more romantic and meaningful, but this is not the case. Also give us actual hints that Anakin will turn to the Dark Side here. Show Palpatine beginning to manipulate him this early, show him beginning to research about the history of the Sith (put the “Darth Plagueis” thing here) and question whether the Jedi really are the “good guys,” etc. Make him doubtful and uneasy about the Jedi order.
Episode III skips ahead a few more years. Now the Clone Wars are at their height and the costs to the Republic are enormous. Terrorist attacks continue to be carried out regularly, and because the Clone Army is in short supply, men from around the galaxy must be drafted to supplement them. (Origin of Stormtroopers revealed here.) Basically, give the people a reason to be so concerned about the prospect of the war continuing that they would be willing to let Palpatine become a dictator to put a stop to it. Some clones and robots fighting each other doesn’t do that. We have to see actual consequences of the war on the people of the galaxy.
Otherwise, make the movie about Anakin’s fall as ROTS was, but make it more believable and pack more punch. Have Palpatine set up a complex machiavellian plan to make Anakin paranoid and convinced that the Jedi are out to betray him. Make Anakin feel highly protective about his family (have him already married at this point, and make Luke and Leia very young children - explains how Leia might remember her mother) and make him truly believe that the Jedi are planning to kill them. Perhaps have Palpatine point out that in the ancient past, the Jedi would “euthanize” children who showed signs that they might become too powerful and unstable, and suggest that Luke might be one such child himself and the Jedi–who are closely monitoring the children’s development–would be willing to do so again.
In fact, have Palpatine attempt to have a “Jedi” who is actually his apprentice infiltrating the organization attempt to kill Luke himself, and then have Anakin duel with and eventually kill this “Jedi,” unknowingly setting himself up to become the next Sith apprentice. Palpatine then reveals to Anakin that he is a Sith, and didn’t tell him earlier because he wanted him to discover for himself that the Sith were really “the good guys” and he had been “brainwashed” by the Jedi. Have him then tell Anakin that the Jedi were behind the terrorist attacks and the war, showing him the “proof” he planted in the last movie. Have him use all this to convince Anakin to join him and help him hunt down the Jedi - starting with Obi-myWan, to prove his loyalty. Anakin then runs to confront his friend and master, feeling extremely conflicted until, like in ROTS, he becomes convinced that Obi-Wan is attempting to turn Padme against him or even to “help” the Jedi kill his family.
Have Padme actually die as a casualty in the ensuing struggle between Anakin and Obi-Wan, driving Anakin to full-blown rage and pushing him all the way over the edge to the dark side. But in his passion, he makes mistakes and… he falls into lava or whatever. Have the movie end with Palpatine having his armies hunt down the Jedi (no “Order 66” crap though, and make the Jedi formidable opponents who don’t go down easily, and more than just Obi-Wan and Yoda go into hiding - set the stage for some EU stuff in between trilogies), taking power as the Emperor, and Obi-Wan and Yoda putting Luke/Leia into hiding. But Anakin, when he is revived as Vader, is told by Palpatine that they were killed by the Jedi, firmly burying any last hint of conflict within him and sending him into deep regret, giving him true motivation to help hunt down the remaining Jedi. This also explains how Vader did not know Leia was alive in the last movie and why he asks Palpatine how it is possible Luke was alive. Palpatine also kind of screws himself here, as his lie comes back to bite him in the OT when Vader begins to question whether he had been used once he discovers the truth. This may even explain why he wanted to overthrow Palpatine with Luke - it had really always been about his family to begin with.
The parallel between Anakin turning to the Dark Side and killing (who he believed) was a Jedi to save Luke and then turning back to the light and killing Palpatine in ROTJ for the exact same reason is also made stronger and more explicit this way. It also makes Vader a somewhat more sympathetic character who doesn’t look quite as stupid in how he was brainwashed and manipulated by Palpatine. It makes his actions and motivations a lot more understandable.
Aside from the Godfather 2 structure and parallels, Episode 1 seems terribly uninspired because little is explained in detail.
I don’t like that Vader fell to the dark side because of misunderstandings and lies. You know people can’t write good motivations when they do this! Look at Batman v Superman. It’s a forced gimmick that required misunderstandings (cheapest motivation ever) to make it work, it feels just as forced here. I also don’t like the Darth Plageius/Revenge of the Sith motivation because it makes him look like a dick! I understand why he would fall to the dark side after hearing the story of Plageius, but being the unrelentingly evil Vader? No way!
I like the stormtrooper origin story. I don’t like the idea of euthanizing because it implies the Force as a superpower like in the prequels rather than spiritual enlightenment like the original trilogy. You don’t kill a person for having the potential to be good.
Vader NEEDS to be brainwashed if you want to keep him the same as in the OT: Unclear and left to the imagination. The lack of agency sometimes makes things more tragic because it makes the victim look like a better person.
Pretty much this was a waste of time that I condoned even in the title. This is revenge, huh? Lol
This is undoubtedly off topic for this thread. This is a sort of wish list, not a script rewriting club. Go to the appropriate place for that.
Where the fuck is that stated in the OP? That’s right! NOWHERE! You don’t have to follow the OP’s example, you follower.
EDIT: Sorry for lashing out, but what were people expecting? This is a thread for fanfiction, so people are obviously going to get notified a lot when a guy takes on the entire Episode 8/9 story, and refusing feedback only makes things worse.
Maybe you really do think all my work sucks and have read it, but for the other people, man up and have a fucking opinion!
Which of these words is causing you the most difficulty?
- We
- Don’t
- Care
I don’t deserve being harrassed like this
Yes you do.
and while my story-posting could almost be considered harassment
It is.
it’s not intentional.
Of course it is…you keep doing it! Does your finger keep slipping or something?
Man up and stop posting about this.
The first. You can’t generalize everyone.
Why?
At the end of the day, what am I doing? I’m posting stories here and asking for feedback. I’m not repeatedly ignoring a person’s work, seemingly irrationally saying that it sucks, and (albeit unintentional) practically alienating him from everyone by starting a bandwagon!
How can it not be unintentional? It’s not my fault you decided to post here with your usual snarky remarks instead of answering the title question of this thread!
I want to stop, but you don’t, and I have to respond because you manage to be so fucking aggravating every time(even when I try to be nice! I reposted this on Script Writing and Rewriting without responding to ANYBODY’S insults on page 8; THAT PAGE IS PURE HARRASSMENT; I could report a lot of people just based on that page, but I don’t do it). There’s a new thread for this stuff, so you man up and stop posting.
I’m not sure what you’re not getting here. This is not the place for fan fiction hence why everyone is ignoring it.
The insults are coming because you won’t stop cluttering this thread with stuff no one cares about.
In case you still don’t get it, NO ONE WANTS YOU TO POST YOUR FAN FICTION HERE. PLEASE STOP DOING THAT AND PLEASE STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT PEOPLE NOT GIVING YOU FEEDBACK EVEN THOUGH WE’VE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR WHY.
I’m not sure what you’re not getting here. The title reads: “What do you want to happen in the ST?”. So what it is you want in a work of fiction. We are fans. Fans creating fiction. Fanfiction. This is exactly the place for fanfiction.
At some point in time, Lord Haseo, Swazzy, and LuckyGungan seemed to care, but that all went to shit when I took terrible advice from people. I want some good advice.
In case you still don’t get it, I HAVEN’T POSTED ANY MORE FANFICTION AND INSTEAD MADE A THREAD IN SCRIPT WRITING AND REWRITING. PLEASE STOP BEING DICK ASSHOLES FOR A PROBLEM THAT NO LONGER EXISTS EVEN THOUGH I MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR BY LINKING TO THE THREAD.
Maybe you really do think all my work sucks and have read it, but for the other people, man up and have a fucking opinion!
Which of these words is causing you the most difficulty?
- We
- Don’t
- Care
I don’t deserve being harrassed like this
Yes you do.
and while my story-posting could almost be considered harassment
It is.
it’s not intentional.
Of course it is…you keep doing it! Does your finger keep slipping or something?
Man up and stop posting about this.
The first. You can’t generalize everyone.
Why?
At the end of the day, what am I doing? I’m posting stories here and asking for feedback. I’m not repeatedly ignoring a person’s work, seemingly irrationally saying that it sucks, and (albeit unintentional) practically alienating him from everyone by starting a bandwagon!
How can it not be unintentional? It’s not my fault you decided to post here with your usual snarky remarks instead of answering the title question of this thread!
I want to stop, but you don’t, and I have to respond because you manage to be so fucking aggravating every time(even when I try to be nice! I reposted this on Script Writing and Rewriting without responding to ANYBODY’S insults on page 8; THAT PAGE IS PURE HARRASSMENT; I could report a lot of people just based on that page, but I don’t do it). There’s a new thread for this stuff, so you man up and stop posting.
I do feel a little bit sorry for the guy. Not enough to say that he should keep posting here, but a little bit.
I don’t disagree with this, but I do agree that his approach is wrong.
This site isn’t really a fan-fiction-oriented site, so looking for writing help here (unless you can get a hold of yotsuya and his team of professional writer friends) seems like it’s kind of a waste of your time, BillionaireHobo.
I can write, sure, but I don’t know the first thing about writing natural dialogue or how to write a compelling romance subplot or action scene. I can’t critique your work because mine would be just as amateur, and I’m willing to bet most of the people here are the same way, which is why the Script Rewrite thread is so barren all the time.
Coming to the main Star Wars board and holding a thread hostage is going to get you more visibility, yeah, but what do you want from us? This isn’t a writing help community, man. And trying to force a community of non-writers and people who (obviously) aren’t interested in fan fiction is only going to garner the reactions seen in these last few pages.
At least just give this a read: http://originaltrilogy.com/topic/BillionaireHobo-Sequel-Trilogy-and-more/id/50736 then a 1-10 rating. I also deleted most of the stuff I wrote here besides this draft since either nobody apprieciates it anymore(people went from praising it in page five to being too annoyed to even read it), or everybody just jumped on the Frink bandwagon. Seriously, yhwx seems to mold his opinion based on anybody who comes before him. I admit the second draft might be terrible out of context of the cut scenes, but I cut out ALL the initial Kylo Ren scenes from the first and second drafts.
Maybe you really do think all my work sucks and have read it, but for the other people, man up and have a fucking opinion! I don’t deserve being harrassed like this, and while my story-posting could almost be considered harassment, it’s not intentional. I asked for a simple 1-10 rating before, but HansiG set the example by just stating that it sucks.
Since people keep telling me to just post here, I’m doing it. NOTE: The genetic classism the prequels introduced will dealt with so that they can eventually be debunked. It seems that midichlorians aren’t really that bad of a thing, but they take what was a metaphor for spiritual enlightenment and turn into a superpower. Also don’t be biased against this because THERE IS ZERO ROMANCE HERE.
STAR WARS Episode VIII: A GALAXY TORN APART
Based on characters created by Lawrence Kasdan, George Lucas, JJ Abrams, and Michael Arndt
FINAL/FIFTH DRAFT
OPENING CRAWL:
Since the destruction of THE NEW REPUBLIC, chaos has engulfed the galaxy, and many factions are fighting for dominance of the galaxy.
Rey of THE RESISTANCE traveled to Ahch-To in search of Luke Skywalker, the last Jedi, and discovered him. Kylo Ren travels to a mobile base to be punished for allowing her to do so.
Little does she know, THE FIRST ORDER, vengeful from the destruction of Starkiller Base, has tracked down her ship and is preparing to strike…
PAN DOWN:
EXT. GALAXY - FIRST ORDER MOBILE BASE
Surrounded by Star Destroyers, a dark giant mobile base hovers ominously in space. KYLO REN’s ship hovers toward it. The mobile base’s hangar bay blast shields open up like the mouth of a monster, and the ship enters it and docks alongside TIE Fighters and other shuttles in a hangar bay organized like a gun, mechanical and dangerous.
INT. HANGAR BAY - KYLO REN’S SHIP
Black. Exit hatches open up, and let the light from the hangar bay flood in. Kylo Ren, facially scarred from his battle with REY, hesitantly exits his shuttle.
HANGAR BAY
Some of the previously hyper-organized stormtroopers stop to stare at him with condescension or, worse, pity. Kylo Ren feels guilt from losing his battle with Rey and dread for his inevitable punishment but hides it with growling anger. He marches forward but falls down because of his injuries. A nearby trooper tries to help him up but Ren pushes him away, now filled with rage and intimidation, marches forward to GENERAL HUX, unfazed by his injuries. Some troopers show restrained awe.
GENERAL HUX
(unsurprised)
Need a doctor?
KYLO REN
No. We lost the search for Skywalker because of me, and I deserve the punishment.
Hux and a nearby trooper exchange an expectantly bored look.
SNOKE’S LAIR
Kylo Ren and Hux march into frame. Ren kneels. A red First Order guard stands by. The room is only lit where they are. The rest is darkness. Both men try to conceal their terror. Hux considers speaking, but an unnervingly long and bony clothed arm slowly lifts down from the shadows towards Ren and near his face.
SNOKE
Unsurprisingly, once more, you have failed me.
Ren subtly tightens in sadness and fear, but has a flash of hope on his face when he realizes what he should say.
KYLO REN
(choking out the words with guilt)
I did it, you know. I killed Han Solo.
The arm retracts back into the shadows. Ben sighs in relief, but SNOKE limps forward and hunches into the light, revealing his disgustingly scarred and decrepit face, which towers above them.
SNOKE
Finally. That wretched scum deserved to die.
Hux rejects and restrains his shock. Ren jolts up, boiling with rage.
SNOKE
Anger? As pathetic as you are, you of all people should know this,
(emphasis)
Ben Solo.
GENERAL HUX
He needs medical attention.
SNOKE
So do I.
GENERAL HUX
Starkiller Base was destroyed under my command. I take full responsibility, and I will tolerate any punishment you deem neccessary.
SNOKE
(chuckling disbelief)
Damn fool. You desire punishment?
General Hux clenches his fist in anger but keeps his mouth shut.
SNOKE
(tired and annoyed)
Very well. Fail again, and you will lose everything you hold dear. Is that satisfying for you?
Hux can’t restrain his shock and anger anymore, but-
SNOKE
(impatient)
Dismissed.
Hux gives Ren a genuine look of pity then storms out of the room. Snoke steps toward Ben, no longer hunching, and more clearly visible. A towering giant that dwarfs his holographic appearance.
SNOKE
How is it possible for somebody to be as incompetent as you?
KYLO REN
(bitter)
I don’t know.
GUARD
Watch your tongue! You are in the presence of the future Supreme Leader of the galaxy’s First Ord-
KYLO REN
You think I don’t know that?
SNOKE
(eagerly sadistic)
Let’s just go over the reports. You were defeated by an untrained child in your specialty; lightsaber combat; you failed to obtain the map to Skywalker, and you let Starkiller Base, the key to galactic order and one of our three main bases, get destroyed. 20 years of Hux’s work down the drain.
Ren’s anger wanes and is replaced by more guilt and shame. He looks down.
SNOKE
I also think that you will be happy to know that billions of stormtroopers, Hux’s men, died pointlessly in flames at Starkiller Base… because of you. Even if he forgives you, I can order him not to and you would lose the closest thing to a friend you even have. It seems no amount of genetic talent can make up for your stupidity, but people have to apprieciate what they are given. I will still train you.
Despite his best efforts, tears stream lightly out of Ren’s face.
SNOKE
Luckily, the Millenium Falcon has been tracked down to Ahch-To, one of the farthest planets in the Unknown Regions. A place I’ve recently sensed to be the hiding place of Luke Skywalker. If that bastard wants us to find him, he will have a plan, but let him live, and you die. Now-
Ben looks up with dread.
SNOKE
Let us begin with your training.
TO BE CONTINUED
This thread is called what do you want to happen not how you want it to happen. Just list the main plot points of your script here and the whole thing in the proper subforum. I know it’s not frequented that much, but that’s probably because most people don’t want to read the walls of text that such stories usually are. Forcing these walls of text on us here is highly annoying.
Same thing. I actually already did that though. Sorry. If somebody critiques my third draft (which I’ve edited to hell) and tells me how to improve my writing, I will never post stories here again
This is like my daughters promising to go to bed if I give them a second dessert.
Third draft sucks. No more fanfiction.
This is to both HansiG and Frink. I have a right to post ontopic material, and I keep doing it because everybody ignores it! If I post it in Script Writing and Rewriting, I sacrifice all chance for feedback, which is exactly why I’m here.
Saying it sucks isn’t constructive. One post telling me how to write better, and I won’t post here even to shout F-bombs to Frink. Seriously, you aren’t any better than me, Frink. You repeatedly post here saying the exact same thing: your fanfiction sucks and stop posting. While my story is fanfiction, there is no romance to be seen anywhere in the plot, so don’t be biased and stereotype it, and all scenes play out very differently than both the first and second drafts.
Look at the title! This is completely on-topic! In three or more pages, barely has a guy posted his idea for the ST, so unless somebody else starts doing what I’m doing, It’s going to be this way, sorry.
yeah, look at the post above this rant. I TRIED to bring this back on topic. if we were voting, i would vote you don’t post any more scripts in this thread. we are not voting.
What you and I are doing is ontopic, but the Force Awakens answered your question. The Jedi are myths. In Bloodlines, Luke makes sure that the Jedi Academy is so secret that not even his closest friends know about its location or teachings. The Sith is a religion long since lost and dead, and the Knights of Ren are desperate preservers (think Despecialized Edition but evil).
In my version, Supreme Leader Snoke does not think of himself as a Sith because he is so ancient that there is no way he could not notice and utilize the dark side of the Force. The Force flows and penetrates everything and everyone, so how could he not notice it? Since normal people have a shorter lifespan, they are less likely to notice the Force. Kylo Ren can’t learn enough to be a truly faithful Sith because Luke’s Jedi Academy actively destroyed Sith artifacts.
This thread is called what do you want to happen not how you want it to happen. Just list the main plot points of your script here and the whole thing in the proper subforum. I know it’s not frequented that much, but that’s probably because most people don’t want to read the walls of text that such stories usually are. Forcing these walls of text on us here is highly annoying.
Same thing. I actually already did that though. Sorry. If somebody critiques my third draft (which I’ve edited to hell) and tells me how to improve my writing, I will never post stories here again, and this will all be in the “proper” subforum. Since Frink is the only one who posted in Script Writing and Rewriting, I’m afraid the torment will never stop lol. Nah, I’ll just make a new thread.
I know this is all seems trivial to you, but I want to see if I have writing talent. I want to know if the last months of my life thinking about stories were wasted. I mean, come on, I don’t mean to be annoying. I’ll look at as many alligator pictures as you want if you just give the third draft a quick read and a 1-10 rating.
My consensus:
Some okay ideas, hampered by atrocious dialogue and iffy character moments.
How do I improve the dialouge? Why are the character moments iffy? I get the impression that the actors are what makes the dialouge work well. Just look at this line from Revenge of the Sith where Palpatine kills Mace Windu:
PALPATINE
POWER!It sounds cheesy as hell on paper, but Ian McDiarmid is such a masterful actor that he sells it perfectly. Who the hell just screams out “Power!”?
No, he doesn’t.
Mace Windu death scene: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cXjT6Dg4E68
In actuality, Palpatine screams out this:
PALPATINE
POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!
I know this is all seems trivial to you, but I want to see if I have writing talent. I want to know if the last months of my life thinking about stories were wasted. I mean, come on, I don’t mean to be annoying. I’ll look at as many alligator pictures as you want if you just give the third draft a quick read and a 1-10 rating.
My consensus:
Some okay ideas, hampered by atrocious dialogue and iffy character moments.
How do I improve the dialouge? Why are the character moments iffy? I get the impression that the actors are what makes the dialouge work well. Just look at this line from Revenge of the Sith where Palpatine kills Mace Windu:
PALPATINE
POWER!It sounds cheesy as hell on paper, but Ian McDiarmid is such a masterful actor that he sells it perfectly. Who the hell just screams out “Power!”?
ALLIGATOR PICTURES IMMINENT
Seriously, this thread is not for feedback on your fanfiction. Why is this so hard to understand?
My email is bullshit that doesn’t notify me. Bring them on, and I’ll report you anyway.
Look at the title! This is completely on-topic! In three or more pages, barely has a guy posted his idea for the ST, so unless somebody else starts doing what I’m doing, It’s going to be this way, sorry.
I know this is all seems trivial to you, but I want to see if I have writing talent. I want to know if the last months of my life thinking about stories were wasted. I mean, come on, I don’t mean to be annoying. I’ll look at as many alligator pictures as you want if you just give the third draft a quick read and a 1-10 rating.
My consensus:
Some okay ideas, hampered by atrocious dialogue and iffy character moments.
How do I improve the dialouge? Why are the character moments iffy? I get the impression that the actors are what makes the dialouge work well. Just look at this line from Revenge of the Sith where Palpatine kills Mace Windu:
PALPATINE
POWER!
It sounds cheesy as hell on paper, but Ian McDiarmid is such a masterful actor that he sells it perfectly. Who the hell just screams out “Power!”?
