BillionaireHobo Sequel Trilogy and more

Since people keep telling me to just post here, I’m doing it. NOTE: The genetic classism the prequels introduced will dealt with so that they can eventually be debunked. It seems that midichlorians aren’t really that bad of a thing, but they take what was a metaphor for spiritual enlightenment and turn into a superpower. Also don’t be biased against this because THERE IS ZERO ROMANCE HERE.

STAR WARS Episode VIII: A GALAXY TORN APART

Based on characters created by Lawrence Kasdan, George Lucas, JJ Abrams, and Michael Arndt

FINAL/FIFTH DRAFT

OPENING CRAWL:

Since the destruction of THE NEW REPUBLIC, chaos has engulfed the galaxy, and many factions are fighting for dominance of the galaxy.

Rey of THE RESISTANCE traveled to Ahch-To in search of Luke Skywalker, the last Jedi, and discovered him. Kylo Ren travels to a mobile base to be punished for allowing her to do so.

Little does she know, THE FIRST ORDER, vengeful from the destruction of Starkiller Base, has tracked down her ship and is preparing to strike…

PAN DOWN:

EXT. GALAXY - FIRST ORDER MOBILE BASE

Surrounded by Star Destroyers, a dark giant mobile base hovers ominously in space. KYLO REN’s ship hovers toward it. The mobile base’s hangar bay blast shields open up like the mouth of a monster, and the ship enters it and docks alongside TIE Fighters and other shuttles in a hangar bay organized like a gun, mechanical and dangerous.

INT. HANGAR BAY - KYLO REN’S SHIP

Black. Exit hatches open up, and let the light from the hangar bay flood in. Kylo Ren, facially scarred from his battle with REY, hesitantly exits his shuttle.

HANGAR BAY

Some of the previously hyper-organized stormtroopers stop to stare at him with condescension or, worse, pity. Kylo Ren feels guilt from losing his battle with Rey and dread for his inevitable punishment but hides it with growling anger. He marches forward but falls down because of his injuries. A nearby trooper tries to help him up but Ren pushes him away, now filled with rage and intimidation, marches forward to GENERAL HUX, unfazed by his injuries. Some troopers show restrained awe.

GENERAL HUX
(unsurprised)
Need a doctor?

KYLO REN
No. We lost the search for Skywalker because of me, and I deserve the punishment.

Hux and a nearby trooper exchange an expectantly bored look.

SNOKE’S LAIR

Kylo Ren and Hux march into frame. Ren kneels. A red First Order guard stands by. The room is only lit where they are. The rest is darkness. Both men try to conceal their terror. Hux considers speaking, but an unnervingly long and bony clothed arm slowly lifts down from the shadows towards Ren and near his face.

SNOKE
Unsurprisingly, once more, you have failed me.

Ren subtly tightens in sadness and fear, but has a flash of hope on his face when he realizes what he should say.

KYLO REN
(choking out the words with guilt)
I did it, you know. I killed Han Solo.

The arm retracts back into the shadows. Ben sighs in relief, but SNOKE limps forward and hunches into the light, revealing his disgustingly scarred and decrepit face, which towers above them.

SNOKE
Finally. That wretched scum deserved to die.

Hux rejects and restrains his shock. Ren jolts up, boiling with rage.

SNOKE
Anger? As pathetic as you are, you of all people should know this,
(emphasis)
Ben Solo.

GENERAL HUX
He needs medical attention.

SNOKE
So do I.

GENERAL HUX
Starkiller Base was destroyed under my command. I take full responsibility, and I will tolerate any punishment you deem neccessary.

SNOKE
(chuckling disbelief)
Damn fool. You desire punishment?

General Hux clenches his fist in anger but keeps his mouth shut.

SNOKE
(tired and annoyed)
Very well. Fail again, and you will lose everything you hold dear. Is that satisfying for you?

Hux can’t restrain his shock and anger anymore, but-

SNOKE
(impatient)
Dismissed.

Hux gives Ren a genuine look of pity then storms out of the room. Snoke steps toward Ben, no longer hunching, and more clearly visible. A towering giant that dwarfs his holographic appearance.

SNOKE
How is it possible for somebody to be as incompetent as you?

KYLO REN
(bitter)
I don’t know.

GUARD
Watch your tongue! You are in the presence of the future Supreme Leader of the galaxy’s First Ord-

KYLO REN
You think I don’t know that?

SNOKE
(eagerly sadistic)
Let’s just go over the reports. You were defeated by an untrained child in your specialty; lightsaber combat; you failed to obtain the map to Skywalker, and you let Starkiller Base, the key to galactic order and one of our three main bases, get destroyed. 20 years of Hux’s work down the drain.

Ren’s anger wanes and is replaced by more guilt and shame. He looks down.

SNOKE
I also think that you will be happy to know that billions of stormtroopers, Hux’s men, died pointlessly in flames at Starkiller Base… because of you. Even if he forgives you, I can order him not to and you would lose the closest thing to a friend you even have. It seems no amount of genetic talent can make up for your stupidity, but people have to apprieciate what they are given. I will still train you.

Despite his best efforts, tears stream lightly out of Ren’s face.

SNOKE
Luckily, the Millenium Falcon has been tracked down to Ahch-To, one of the farthest planets in the Unknown Regions. A place I’ve recently sensed to be the hiding place of Luke Skywalker. If that bastard wants us to find him, he will have a plan, but let him live, and you  die. Now-

Ben looks up with dread.

SNOKE
Let us begin with your training.

TO BE CONTINUED

yhwx said:

Three stars.

Maybe two and a half.

I hate to be guilty of asking too much, but what was wrong with it for you? I’ve edited the story with what are hopefully-but-probably-not improvements.

darthrush said:

In all honesty, from what Iv read, it doesn’t interest me much. The banter between the Knights of Ren and Kylo is kinda cringey. Sorry, you were begging for opinions…even if they’re negative.

HUH? I cut out that scene… 😦 Or are you counting Snoke as part of the Knights despite there being no actual Knights.

EDIT: Prequels that cover the fall of Anakin and the Republic are inherently flawed for doing so, so there’s not much interest for me there. Are they good enough that I can learn more about screenwriting by reading the treatments.

darthrush said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

darthrush said:

In all honesty, from what Iv read, it doesn’t interest me much. The banter between the Knights of Ren and Kylo is kinda cringey. Sorry, you were begging for opinions…even if they’re negative.

HUH? I cut out that scene… 😦 Or are you counting Snoke as part of the Knights despite there being no actual Knights.

EDIT: Prequels that cover the fall of Anakin and the Republic are inherently flawed for doing so, so there’s not much interest for me there. Are they good enough that I can learn more about screenwriting by reading the treatments.

I wholeheartedly disagree. The fall of Anakin is a great story to tell if done right. If it were executed better than it would make certain events of the OT that much more emotional. I think most of us can agree that we wish the prequels were done better with such an amazing premise. The fact that (IMO) George kinda fucked up that story, makes it all the more dissapointing.

EDIT:
I do enjoy Hal’s cut of Ep.3 and will watch it every once in a while.

I have another thread for this. Please stop being offtopic before I passively agressively do unto you what was done to me on Lord Haseo’s suck thread. I, at least, was ontopic then.

BillionaireHobo287 said:

darthrush said:

BillionaireHobo287 said:

darthrush said:

In all honesty, from what Iv read, it doesn’t interest me much. The banter between the Knights of Ren and Kylo is kinda cringey. Sorry, you were begging for opinions…even if they’re negative.

HUH? I cut out that scene… 😦 Or are you counting Snoke as part of the Knights despite there being no actual Knights.

EDIT: Prequels that cover the fall of Anakin and the Republic are inherently flawed for doing so, so there’s not much interest for me there. Are they good enough that I can learn more about screenwriting by reading the treatments.

I wholeheartedly disagree. The fall of Anakin is a great story to tell if done right. If it were executed better than it would make certain events of the OT that much more emotional. I think most of us can agree that we wish the prequels were done better with such an amazing premise. The fact that (IMO) George kinda fucked up that story, makes it all the more dissapointing.

EDIT:
I do enjoy Hal’s cut of Ep.3 and will watch it every once in a while.

I have another thread for this. Please stop being offtopic before I passively agressively do unto you what was done to me on Lord Haseo’s suck thread. I, at least, was ontopic then.

I give this response a 1/5.

yhwx said:

The script is disengaging.

Dude, I don’t want to bother you anymore than I already have, but you are practically asking me to demand more feedback on the script! How is it disengaging?

Kylo feels like he should be more active and the “miserable wreck” angle feels a little too played up. Force Awakens had the audience wondering who this person was, and I think it might work if the question is now “after killing Han and being beaten by Rey, what does he do?” Granted there’s potential in the scorned and pitied Ren gradually changing/evolving over the course of the film, but him appearing this, well, pathetic this early might be a bit of a turnoff to the audience.

Not helped by there being no real threatening hook with Hux or Snoke to really sell the threat of the First Order in significant fashion. It doesn’t have to be a typical “villains demonstrating how evil they are over the heroes” scene either, just something that really sets the tone for what the antagonists are in the rest of the film. Like in ESB, the scene with Vader sells the Empire’s scope with Star Destroyers/Executor, his intuition in finding the Rebels, and the subtle dismissal of lesser officers like Ozzel. From that you know the Empire is still dangerous, Vader obsessed with Skywalker, and get an idea of Darth’s place within the Imperial order.

This is just the opening, and there’s plenty of places to go from it, but for the first scene with the antagonists, Snoke laying out Ren’s failures and little else other than talk of more training just doesn’t seem like it grabs an audience all that much. Just my take, though.

CWBorne said:

Kylo feels like he should be more active and the “miserable wreck” angle feels a little too played up. Force Awakens had the audience wondering who this person was, and I think it might work if the question is now “after killing Han and being beaten by Rey, what does he do?” Granted there’s potential in the scorned and pitied Ren gradually changing/evolving over the course of the film, but him appearing this, well, pathetic this early might be a bit of a turnoff to the audience.

Not helped by there being no real threatening hook with Hux or Snoke to really sell the threat of the First Order in significant fashion. It doesn’t have to be a typical “villains demonstrating how evil they are over the heroes” scene either, just something that really sets the tone for what the antagonists are in the rest of the film. Like in ESB, the scene with Vader sells the Empire’s scope with Star Destroyers/Executor, his intuition in finding the Rebels, and the subtle dismissal of lesser officers like Ozzel. From that you know the Empire is still dangerous, Vader obsessed with Skywalker, and get an idea of Darth’s place within the Imperial order.

This is just the opening, and there’s plenty of places to go from it, but for the first scene with the antagonists, Snoke laying out Ren’s failures and little else other than talk of more training just doesn’t seem like it grabs an audience all that much. Just my take, though.

THANK YOU! I’ll try to push the menace of the First Order more here, but I’m not sure it works here, considering it initially starts out black comedy-ish and only Snoke has buisness being intimidating.

I’ll try to make Kylo more admirable as well. This is the one scene where Kylo will be “pathetic”, and I guarentee that later on, the First Order will be just as powerful as the Empire. I definetly need a stronger hook. Doesn’t the threat of Snoke to Kylo and the threat of the First Order to the Jedi hook enough?

EDIT: Edited the first scene, hopefully for the last time. What about the good in that scene?

I think the more restrained Ren fits there, because that sort of rage beneath the surface seems more dangerous and already has a viewer wondering in the back of their mind, what’s he going to do when he really lashes out?

As far as the black comedy, it can work even with the context of the villains (what does one call the “apology accepted Captain Needa” scene from ESB if not calling for very dark laughs?), its just a little riskier in an opening because you don’t want the audience too comfortable in associating that tone with the antagonists unless its a consistent element.

With the First Order and their presence as a threat, I think the visual and symbolic shorthand is really potentially effective tool in demonstrating that. I’ve mentioned the example in ESB, but ANH as well paints the picture of what the Empire is with just with the Star Destroyer engulfing the Tantive IV and Vader surveying the dead Rebels on board.

The image you suggested in the opening crawl could be the key to selling why the Snoke’s forces are dangerous right now. Maybe we see images of the New Republic now scrambling to maintain order and the Resistance struggling with supplies and coordination (perhaps via surveillance/security video Hux and company are watching if you still want a villain opening) and then we cut to the First Order and it is organized, it is well maintained, and it is disciplined. One overt visual contrast and we immediately know that in a sea of galactic chaos, this is the group that is still in deadly control of itself. They lost their base/weapon, and not only haven’t they not fallen they’re still running like clockwork.

Finally as it pertains to Snoke, I don’t know your full story; it feels like there should be some kind of intrigue to his order of taking out Luke. Perhaps its something involving Rey or some weakness of Skywalker’s Snoke thinks he knows, but “evil overlord ordering destruction of one of the heroes” is such a standard scene in fiction like Star Wars that one kind of needs to have some sort of pizzazz or hook to keep the audience fully interested.

CWBorne said:

I think the more restrained Ren fits there, because that sort of rage beneath the surface seems more dangerous and already has a viewer wondering in the back of their mind, what’s he going to do when he really lashes out?

As far as the black comedy, it can work even with the context of the villains (what does one call the “apology accepted Captain Needa” scene from ESB if not calling for very dark laughs?), its just a little riskier in an opening because you don’t want the audience too comfortable in associating that tone with the antagonists unless its a consistent element.

With the First Order and their presence as a threat, I think the visual and symbolic shorthand is really potentially effective tool in demonstrating that. I’ve mentioned the example in ESB, but ANH as well paints the picture of what the Empire is with just with the Star Destroyer engulfing the Tantive IV and Vader surveying the dead Rebels on board.

The image you suggested in the opening crawl could be the key to selling why the Snoke’s forces are dangerous right now. Maybe we see images of the New Republic now scrambling to maintain order and the Resistance struggling with supplies and coordination (perhaps via surveillance/security video Hux and company are watching if you still want a villain opening) and then we cut to the First Order and it is organized, it is well maintained, and it is disciplined. One overt visual contrast and we immediately know that in a sea of galactic chaos, this is the group that is still in deadly control of itself. They lost their base/weapon, and not only haven’t they not fallen they’re still running like clockwork.

Finally as it pertains to Snoke, I don’t know your full story; it feels like there should be some kind of intrigue to his order of taking out Luke. Perhaps its something involving Rey or some weakness of Skywalker’s Snoke thinks he knows, but “evil overlord ordering destruction of one of the heroes” is such a standard scene in fiction like Star Wars that one kind of needs to have some sort of pizzazz or hook to keep the audience fully interested.

I nod in agreement at all of these, but in traditional OT fashion, the galaxy’s state will only be explained or shown if relevant to the plot or emotional story of the characters. The chaos is still coming.

Snoke is malleable to the drama of the protagonists: Rey, Finn, and Kylo Ren. For Episode VIII, he’s really similar to the canon version: an ancient obssesed with the Skywalker “bloodline” for its midichlorian count (I did say that midichlorians will be debunked). This will definetly change for my Episode IX, which I only have vague ideas about.