The Rise of Skywalker Expanded Edition by Rae Carson: The Faraday Edit (WIP) — Page 6

Jar Jar Bricks said:

The 3PO stuff is hilarious. Nicely done.

You’re definitely taking it very seriously to leave the original structure in place! I think that’s great. I know if I was rewriting some of these scenes I would just slap what I liked better in without considering the structure.

Thank you!

I’m probably going to lengthen the conversation just a little bit, to accomodate the fact that the replacement ideas I’m going with require a little more explanation, but I’m trying to keep it as brief as I can while still sounding natural.

RogueLeader said:

I love the new stuff with 3PO and the bowcaster! I see what you were saying about how BB-8 gets 3PO to shoot. I wonder if BB-8 could zap 3PO’s leg or something, which could make his finger squeeze the trigger.

I like your breakdown of the hangar scene.

Just to get your wheels turning, here is a version of that scene I did that doesn’t just drastically change the major points of the conversation:

Kylo Ren: Rey, I know the rest of your story.

Rey: Tell me.

Kylo: He saw what you would become. You won’t just have power, you’ll have his power. You… will kill Palpatine, and take the throne.

Rey is shocked.

Kylo: I feel the pull to the light. And you, the darkness. What Palpatine doesn’t know is that we’re a Dyad in the Force, Rey. Two that are one. Together, nothing will stand in our way. You know what you need to do. You know.

Rey: I do.

Luckily for you, you’re not beholden to what Kylo Ren dialogue exists out there, so you could potentially make something more interesting. One good thing about this limitation, though, is that the dialogue still feels genuine to something Kylo would really say.

Thanks! The issue I’ve got with BB-8 getting 3PO to shoot is that it has to be explained in half a sentence and not require any brain-processing-space on the part of the reader. Maybe there’s a split-level computer bank and he’s already rolled up a ramp or something, to give him the extra height. It’s contrived, but would preserve the key moment. I’m gonna keep tinkering with it.

I like your version. I try to keep my work on this project as close as an editor instead of a writer when possible, staying as close to the existing material as possible. I have a huge amount of power behind the keyboard compared to someone doing video editing. I could make Kylo Ren in the hangar scene declare that Rey should join him because he knows why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or I could change the film’s final shot so that Rey and the Skywalker Force Ghosts all rap an answer to the old woman. But the more it strays from the original, the more its soul is changed and lost, until eventually you reach a threshold where you have to ask, “what’s the point of any of it anymore?”. So ironically, even though the whole point is to change stuff from the original, the goal is simultaneously to maintain verisimilitude to it as much as possible.

I’m a big believer in restrictions causing creativity. All my favourite films from yesteryear had to work smart and hard to pull off impressive shots and visuals, and they’re all the more breathtaking and engaging for it (to me personally). I love watching a movie and marvelling at “how did they do that?”. Modern blockbuster cinema struggles to engage me the same way, because I know the answer to how they did literally any visual or impressive oner shot or anything like that is just “they stitched it together on a computer using a large team of people.” That’s why I love fanedits so much: they’ve got such tight restrictions to work with, that when they achieve something impressive, I’m once again left marvelling at “how did they do that?”.

Edit:

That’s not to diss the work of VFX people, I should specify. One of my friends works in CGI VFX for big Hollywood productions, and his stories about the insane difficulties of doing what it is they do are fascinating to hear, and I love watching VFX breakdowns. But that’s a very different experience than sitting in the cinema seat and being baffled at how they achieved something.

RogueLeader said:

Just to get your wheels turning, here is a version of that scene I did that doesn’t just drastically change the major points of the conversation:

I’ve kept thinking about your version of the hangar scene, and the more I think about it, the cleverer it gets. I love how vulnerable Kylo seems by mentioning his call to the light, and how it simultaneously preserves that great pair of rhetoric devices. It wouldn’t work in the book for various factors, but it works so well in the film, and achieves the same effects at the same moments, which I find really fascinating.

Seventh chapter:
https://pastebin.com/NNHNKL4H
Password: CaptainFaraday

Changelog:

• Nothing significant. Just quality-of-life edits.

Eighth chapter:
https://pastebin.com/Wkn2psKV
Password: CaptainFaraday

Changelog:

• Added Ochi of Bestoon’s armour from the comics.
• Extended C-3PO’s explanation of the Sith Cultists, to set up the new explanation for why the dagger lines up with the Death Star wreckage.
• Kylo’s ship no longer explodes, just crash lands. He also wasn’t trying to actually kill Rey; it was more like a test to see how far she’s come and how in sync they are.
• Removed the cutaway to Kylo’s perspective as he climbs out of the TIE. It adds nothing, and stops the tension ratcheting up as Rey tries to pull the transport back down.
• Moved the reveal of Chewbacca still being alive to later, to give the reader longer to stew in Rey’s shock.

Jar Jar Bricks said:

CaptainFaraday said:

• Kylo’s ship no longer explodes, just crash lands. He also wasn’t trying to actually kill Rey; it was more like a test to see how far she’s come and how in sync they are.

Wait, did Rae Carson seriously say that he was trying to kill her? That’s probably the most stupid explanation for that scene I’ve ever heard LMAO. Glad to hear you fixed that. I always assumed that he was baiting her into using dark side powers to escape the situation.

Yeah, there’s a lot more of them actively wanting (and trying) to kill each other in the book. It’s really the only place where I completely disagree with Carson’s interpretation of events.

RogueLeader said:

The new additions blend in really nicely, Faraday.

Thanks!

Just thinking about the story itself. If 3PO can’t vocally translate it, I wonder why they couldn’t have 3PO write/type it out, or have 3PO pull up the planet on the nav computer.

I kinda wish 3PO didn’t know what it said at all. Maybe he couldn’t read it because Sith was a banned language in general. Then, they all go to Babu to download the illegal language program. But to install it, they have to do a complete system wipe.

I personally like C-3PO knowing exactly what it says but being unable to tell them. I find it funny in the right way - it brings them tantalisingly close to their goal, which still remains maddeningly just out of reach. I really feel their frustration in that moment, but it’s tempered with the dash of humour which keeps it enjoyable. I do think it might be worth specifying 3PO can’t provide any kind of translation from Sith, though, not just that he can’t speak it aloud.

Also, instead of the blade telling them the exact coordinates, I think it would’ve made more sense if the runes explained that if the wielder embraces/taps into the dark side, the blade will point them in the right direction. This would’ve allowed the blade to be ancient, but still lead them to the more modern Death Star ruins, since it would always lead the wielder to the wayfinder regardless of where it was.

Or, she has to let that vision of pain and anguish she first got a glimpse of continue, until she finally gets a glimpse of the Death Star ruins. Once she mentions seeing it, Poe would know where the ruins are. I like the line about sharing the secrets with only the blades victims, so it would be interesting if Rey had to prick her skin with the blade or something in order to have that secret revealed to her through a vision.

Then once they get to the planet, the whispers she hears grow louder as she gets closer to the wayfinder. Sort of how Hal has it right now in Ascendant. Then you don’t need the blade to line up with the Death Star ruins, which would’ve arguably changed in the years following the blade’s creation, as the metal structure kept degrading in the ocean water. But, hey, it’s Star Wars I guess.

But I like the idea of Rey having to tap into the dark side in order to find the wayfinder.

I really like the idea of having to tap into the Dark Side to use the Dagger - it’s a really neat way to keep turning the screw on Rey’s fears about the Dark Side. I also like your expansion on my idea that only the Dagger’s victims see its secrets! I originally only intended it as 3PO speaking poetically. I’d definitely like to figure out where both ideas could go.

As for the Goonies stuff with the Dagger lining up with the Death Star - for mer personally, it feels just like the kind of weirdly slightly-self-contradicting idea that the OT, in particular ANH, threw out all the time, but always just fuelled my curiosity about exactly how this strange Star Wars Universe works. It does stretch beyond my suspension of disbelief that she just stands in any old location on the shore and it works, though. My plan was to add some kind of Sith marker on the ground for her to stand on, like the amulet scene in Indiana Jones. But I think that’s a complementary idea to the Dark Side Whispers leading her there, rather than an incompatible idea.

It’s like Sith designed it so only dark siders could find it. And if they weren’t dark side users before, they could be well along their way by the time they find it.

I am so taken with this part of your idea specifically. It works so well.

I could imagine a scene where a holographic star field is projected in a room, and Rey reluctantly taps into the dark side, letting in all that pain and anguish she got a taste of when she first touched it. Then, with the blade extended in front of her, she points to the correct planet. Like a water diviner finding ground water.

There’s actually a scene in the DOTF screenplay that’s extremely similar to what you’re describing! I don’t know if there’s a good spot to try and work it into TROS, but it’s definitely worth thinking about, because it would recontextualise into what you’re describing really neatly.

I hadn’t thought too much about the marker - I think the interpretation of the Sith Dagger which ultimately emerged a few pages back was that it was an ancient dagger which Ochi had altered to reflect his unique knowledge of where the Wayfinder was. So I guess technically speaking, the marker would be of Ochi’s vintage, unless he uses an existing landmark.

I’m back! I’ve been having some computer and internet issues, but at least I’ve got very basic connectivity for the time being.

I’ve decided to go back and add Dark Side Whispers surrounding the Dagger, using RogueLeader’s idea:

RogueLeader said:

…if the wielder embraces/taps into the dark side, the blade will point them in the right direction.

It’ll require me to add that explanation from 3PO at some point (I think that’s the easiest and most unobtrusive way to explain it to the reader), and there’s a good place to add a small scene on the Falcon after they leave Kijimi where Rey can take out the Dagger and listen to it.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to change 3PO’s Sith translation to replace the latitude-and-longitude style coordinates with something that could only be useful to a Force-wielder. Here’s the original:

“The Emperor’s wayfinder,” he said, “is sealed inside the Imperial Vaults. At delta-three-six transient nine-three-six bearing three-two on a moon in the Endor system. From the southern shore. Only this blade tells, only this blade tells…”

But instead of naming Kef Bir directly, I want to give it a title - a counterpart to “the Sanctuary Moon,” as the Emperor calls the moon in ROTJ. A forest moon and an ocean moon; the Sanctuary Moon and the Something Moon. I don’t know what the Something should be, though. Is there an aquatic counterpart of a wildlife sanctuary, with hopefully as mystical-sounding of a double-meaning? Regardless, this is the type of fun detail that other people seem better at supplying.

Here’s what I have currently:

“The Emperor’s Wayfinder,” he said, “is sealed inside the Imperial Vaults on the [something] Moon of the Endor system. From the southern shore, only this blade tells. Only this blade tells…”

I personally prefer it as a different moon. It makes sense to me that the planet would have different moons, and those could have different biomes, so I enjoy it as worldbuilding. That’s why I really want to give it a matching title to the Sanctuary Moon. (I’m still unclear whether the planet is called Endor, or the forest moon is called Endor, even after looking it up on Wookieepedia, and I prefer it that way.) Each planet having its own biome feels quintessentially Star-Wars-y to me.

Maybe the Estuary Moon?

That’s all perfect and I’m gonna use it. Thank you!

Also, I’m thinking of changing the name. The scope has shifted slightly from just a quality-of-life edit, what with bringing in bits of DOTF and earlier script leaks, expanding extant sequences, and adding a few new scenes. But it’s already called the Expanded Edition; what more could I call it? The Supersized Edition?

It makes me think of that joke from Black Books, when he asks about the drink sizes in the fast food restaurant. “They come in Medium, Large, Goliath, or God.”

Or do I just lean into my nascent egotism and call it “The Faraday Edit.”

I don’t think it’d be egotistic at all to use your name. You are putting your own words and spin on it more intimately than most fan editors can with that medium.

I probably will end up going with that. When fanedits have a focused goal in mind (eg. “make ROTS fit better with TCW”, “remove Palpatine from TROS”), it’s easy to give them names that evoke that goal. When it’s just “an edit that I personally like” it’s too vague to do that, so a name seems to fit the personal nature of that best.

Here’s the start of Chapter 14. There’s a lot of RogueLeader’s stuff in here:

Kef Bir was a moon of Endor, but to Rey, it seemed like a whole world. Flying into the bumpy atmosphere had revealed vast seas interrupted by tentative patches of land, covered mostly with grass. Shrubbery was scarce, settlements nonexistent.
C-3PO had informed them that Kef Bir was known as the Tempest Moon, due to its violent winds and dangerous oceans. This powerful weather led to the moon being a significantly less preferable place to visit compared to its forest counterpart, dubbed the Sanctuary Moon by early explorers who saw it as a vivid, if dangerous, paradise.
Rey hadn’t been to the Sanctuary Moon, but she was willing to bet that anywhere seemed like paradise compared to Kef Bir. Its high winds ripped at the Falcon as they tried to make their landing approach, making the ship swerve and slew wildly. There was a worrying bump as they hit a patch of turbulence that might as well have been an airborne rock.
Without Rose onboard, nobody had been able to fix the landing gear by the time they arrived. Which was why, when they all exited the Falcon bruised and shell-shocked, it was to the sight of a massive scar in the damp ground, running behind them in a straight line as far as the eye could see.
The ship’s fuselage was half buried in mud, and they’d had to exit out of the top hatch, but the Falcon remained almost flightworthy. With a few repairs and a little luck they’d be able to take off.
After Rey had gotten what she’d come for.
“Well, at least it’s nice out,” said Poe, blinking as he looked around, and he was only being half sarcastic.
They’d had to make their approach low and at an angle, and had escaped the worst of the wind by landing in a valley between two large hills. The air here smelled of salt and sun-kissed grass. Water prickled Rey’s skin, as spray kicked up from the ocean and got carried along on the breeze. The sky roiled with grey clouds, but everything remained bright, for the gas giant Endor reflected light in addition to the sun. Apart from the inclement weather, the moon was quite striking in its own way.
Poe and Finn stood, arms crossed, debating how best to repair the Falcon, as Rey trudged away from them across the field. When she was far enough away that she could no longer hear them, she withdrew the Sith Dagger from her satchel, and gripping it painfully tight, closed her eyes.
It was hardly necessary. She’d heard the whispers throughout their entire landing, getting louder and more excited. She could feel them goading her onwards, offering her what she needed to know, if only she would let them. She imagined what it would have been like to try and follow the Dagger without C-3PO’s translation to get them this far – the Sith had designed it so only those with the Dark Side could find the Wayfinder. And if they weren’t on the Dark Side before, they could be well along their way by the time they found it.
She felt a pang of guilt – her friend had sacrificed himself because she was too weak to resist it. But it was easy to make the guilt go away. He had wanted to do it. A Jedi was far more useful to the Resistance than a droid. The whispers soothed her, and opened up further; the better she felt about what C-3PO had done, the clearer their directions.
She slid the Dagger back into her satchel, less keen to let go of it this time.
“This way!” she called to the others.`

Jar Jar Bricks said:

CaptainFaraday said:

Without Rose onboard, nobody had been able to fix the landing gear by the time they arrived. Which was why, when they all exited the Falcon bruised and shell-shocked, it was to the sight of a massive scar in the damp ground, running behind them in a straight line as far as the eye could see.

Dang what is up with Rae Carson and mentioning Rose at every opportunity lmao. I noticed this while reading the first chapters of the original. I swear she wanted to have her come along on the journey or something but obviously couldn’t do that because it’s not canon.

EDIT: Oh, and btw I like what you have going here. It’s definitely making me consider whether I would prefer what you have or having it be the forest moon of Endor.

I think that’s basically it, yeah. She’s tried to give Rose more of a presence in the story, but as a result, it just sort of highlights her absence. I’ve cut most of them, but this one felt organic to me, and works for the humour of revealing they crashed the Falcon.

And thanks! I think the forest moon thing works either way, it just comes down to personal preference.

Well, if it ain’t broke! (Edit: That sounds kind of dismissive now I read it back! I used what you wrote with minimal changes because I liked the way you phrased it. Especially the line about becoming a Dark Sider before the end of the journey.)

3PO’s infodump was in the original text, so that was a great opportunity to add the extra ideas about the forest moon. I just changed the info he subsequently dumps to yours instead.

A few things I felt compelled to share from the original text as I go:

A young woman about Rey’s age was riding toward them, atop a creature that looked like a fathier with tusks except large-boned and with a more generous coat of fur.

So… nothing like a fathier, then.

The woman had dark skin like Finn’s,

That feels… weirdly mildly racist? Like, why does her skin specifically need to be arbitrarily compared to Finn’s, just because they’re the only two black characters (other than Lando)? The text would never say “Beaumont had caucasian skin like Rey’s” or something, it just feels weird.

Anyway, here’s an insert scene I added on Kef Bir:

“The Wayfinder’s in the Imperial Vaults,” Finn said, as if saying the words would help him believe it. “In the Death Star.”
“I hate to be practical,” Poe said, “but it’s gonna take us years to find it.”
They stared at the horizon for a moment. Poe was right. How do you search something the size of a moon? Where do you even start?
Rey was willing to bet that the whispers would lead her straight to the room the Wayfinder was in, but the thought of letting them in again frightened her. She didn’t like the part of herself that they made her see – a part she wanted to stave off for as long as possible. She looked down at the blade, glinting in the light. The Dagger was ancient, but the inscription was Ochi’s, and he wasn’t a Sith himself. He’d made changes to the Dagger to reflect his knowledge. There must be a way of using it without the Force.
She blinked, remembering. From the southern shore, C-3PO had said.
“Only this blade tells,” she muttered aloud.
She squinted against the sea spray, looking along the treacherous shoreline extending in either direction. Nothing but rocks and tufts of coarse grass –
And then the whispers rose like the wind in her ears as she spotted it. A small dais, nestled among some rocks.
The group made their way down towards it. Concentric circles of orange and white rock, dulled by decades of wind and spray, had been set into a natural platform of black obsidian, its sheared surface smooth and glistening where moss and sea grass hadn’t grown across it. A piece of grey metal rose to head height from the centre, oddly shaped and jagged, and looking bizarrely out of place. As they approached, Rey felt the whispers grow excited.
Poe kicked the bottom of the giant metal shard appraisingly.
“It’s a chunk of Death Star debris,” he said. “It must’ve got stuck in this rock.”
BB-8 beeped curiously.
Rey furrowed her brow, staring at the piece of metal. The top of the piece of metal. Its shape was oddly familiar, but not from a vision.
Then understanding flashed across her face. Hardly daring to hope, she ripped the Sith Dagger from her satchel and lined it up with the top of the piece of wreckage. The underside of the irregularly shaped blade matched up perfectly. She slotted it into place, and it held fast with friction, fitting together like two halves of a whole.
She angled her head slightly, staring past the Sith Dagger at the horizon, as Finn and Poe watched. She let out a sharp intake of breath.
The jagged shape of the top of the blade now lined up exactly with the outline of the Death Star.
Poe leaned forward.
Rey peered closer. The Dagger’s crossguard was hinged. She gently swung the crossguard down until it clicked into place –
– And pointed out a very specific section of ruin, southwest of the superlaser lens: a star-shaped structure, nestled in a crook of the jutting wreckage.
“The Wayfinder’s there,” Rey declared.
The whispers hissed in anger and disappointment.