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vranir

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Post
#1451881
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I like the first version better, but I do like the final line of the second.

Other thoughts:
“refuse to take sides” > “refuse to take a side”
“the Council of Neutral Systems” > “a COUNCIL OF NEUTRAL SYSTEMS”
“to preserve their peace” > “to preserve the peace” (but is it really even “preserving” at this point?)

I definitely don’t like “after destroying his flagship.” If you want the context in version 2, maybe use “With the Malevolence destroyed, the clone army hunts for Grievous, while Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies.”

Is there room to change “Now” to “Meanwhile?” But then it might sound too much like the “while” in the prior sentence.

Should the Attack on the Republic cruiser be shown briefly at the start of the episode, much like the battle with the Malevolence was shown at the start of the prior episode? Or would that be creating too much of a pattern, where something happens, then we go investigate it?

Post
#1450760
Topic
TFA: A Gentle Restructure (Released)
Time

Hello. Your edits are my go-to for both the prequel and sequel trilogies, but something has been bugging me about this one.

How is it possible for the First Order to be recharging the Starkiller? If it fired when the sun was depleted, do they have a spare sun? It seems to me that it was designed as a grand single-use weapon, or alternatively it would need to be moved after each use.

Have you considered removing the couple of references to recharging or acquiring a new target after the Hosnian system is destroyed? The threat to the Resistance could still be made, just with the implication that ships will be sent to eradicate them (as we see in The Last Jedi).

Thank you for your work and for your consideration.

Post
#1450362
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I’ve finished my pass and have sent a link to the video in a PM.

I actually ended up making a lot of adjustments, including trims and rearrangements in order to streamline the story and move things forward at a more even pace. I can’t replicate your excellent wipe-transitions, but I did what I could. Feel free to reintegrate or mimic any of my changes if you wish.

The full summary of changes are as follows:

  • Cut from the launch of the hunter droids to Anakin and Asoka with the Jedi Council.

  • Cut ObiWan’s line about learning from Anakin to maintain formality in the Council.

  • Replaced the scene with stale air and discovering a broken pod with the initial one where they intend to wait for rescue. The other scene adds nothing that isn’t repeated elsewhere - the pessimism, PloKoon valuing their lives, and the discovery of droids hunting pods are all introduced again later. This also reduces the number of scene-jumps for a smoother episode.

  • From the pod we go directly to the launch of Asoka and Anakin’s ship (a very short scene), and from there to ObiWan finding out. The scene with Grievous is gone, effectively dropping him off the map for the audience, as well as the characters.

  • Trimmed an establishing shot of Anakin and Asoka flying toward the wreckage and planet. We already got a similar shot when they first arrived, and the trim makes everything feel faster and the events here and on the pod concurrent.

  • Trimmed some of the reaction of the clones to the approaching hunter droids in order to smooth the transition and remove mildly awkward dialogue.

  • Cut Asoka’s reaction and “let’s go in” after R2 detects a signal. Her line was mildly annoying and removing it weakened nothing.

  • Removed the clone line “It’s Asoka!” I’m not sure how much name recognition she’d have yet. Jumping straight to the next line “She must be close!” is equally effective and dodges the question of whether these clones know her already.

  • Trimmed the Jedi Council talking again about the mystery weapon, mainly because I’m tired of the line and because it makes them seem fretful instead of deliberate/strategic. Instead, we start with Yoda’s line about Grievous being one step ahead of them.

  • Cut PloKoon’s reference to humor, since I cut the earlier joke line (and that entire scene).

  • Cut the entire Palpatine hologram conversation. Without it, we go straight from PloKoon concentrating to Asoka connecting to him.

  • Transitioned from Asoka comforting PloKoon to the first medical-station scene. By moving this scene later, we transition the focus of the episode to the showdown. We also have Yalaren reference the battleship, information that they presumably learned offscreen from PloKoon, who will momentarily show up aboard the Venator.

  • From the med station, we transition to Grievous en route to remind us that he exists and to announce that he is very close.

  • From Grievous’ short scene, we jump to Anakin’s speech to the troops. There is little lost by cutting the prior scene with PloKoon and the Y-Wings. This moves the fleet more quickly from preparation to action.

  • Cut ObiWan’s reference to a shortcut (only elsewhere mentioned in the cut PloKoon and Y-Wing scene), along with some surrounding dialogue.

  • Swapped the order of evacuation/arrival scenes. Now we see ships undocking, hear the med station personnel discussing the evacuations, and see Grievous arrive.

  • Abbreviated some of Grievous’ orders at the start of battle to show more focus.

  • Trimmed and arranged the entrance of the Y-Wings to be faster and more direct. Now they appear, Grievous notices but orders the ion cannon powered, the fighters begin staffing, they take damage, and Asoka points out that they can’t all make it. (I trimmed her second “Master” to reduce annoyance and make him more responsive to her.) I also moved PloKoon’s comment about attacking the ion cannon until after Anakin changes their target. Now the idea was his and Asoka’s. PloKoon just explains why it makes sense.

  • Cut a redundant Y-Wing approach snd torpedo launch during the ion cannon attack.

  • Cut a shot of the ion cannon charging after it has already been shown more fully charged.

  • Transitioned directly from the ion cannon explosion to the Y-Wings returning to the med station.

  • Trimmed Anakin’s line about it being hard losing his men. It seemed a little too overtly sentimental for the moment. He says enough with his tone and mentioning the losses.

  • Cut some of the shots with Venators pursuing the Malevolence in order to move things ahead slightly faster. I also cut any shots with PloKoon suddenly on the bridge instead of in his fighter.

Total running time = 25 min

The downside of this secondary edit is that, in many ways, it feels more like two episodes that have been joined at the middle. But then again, so do most of the Star Wars movies themselves.

Post
#1450323
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I just watched the new 1x02. Again, much improved. Grievous especially is much more competent. This episode still feels very busy though. I’m going to throw it into iMovie and see if any trims can streamline it further without compromising the content. Full feedback coming after I play around with it.

Post
#1449211
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I appreciate the intentionality with your 1x01 choices. In accepting/rejecting changes, it often comes down to making sure that the wording has been chosen for a specific purpose.

For the 1x02 crawl, I’d say that the wording is solid, but I would suggest breaking the sentences differently. It’s mostly subjective, but I think it would read slightly better as follows:

Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
The Republic faces a dire emergency. The leader of Dooku’s army, the droid general GRIEVOUS, strikes swiftly from the shadows.
With a new weapon, the battleship MALEVOLENCE, he has been medical stations, killing thousands of wounded clones.

Obi-Wan Kenobi urgently coordinates the evacuation of medical stations in the Naboo sector, where six have recently been destroyed.
While Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano lead the search for Grievous, Jedi Master PLO KOON picks up the battleship’s signal and moves to intercept.
But no fleet that has faced the Malevolence has yet survived…

I also got rid of “his new padawan” in order to make room for “and moves to intercept,” which I think paints the situation a bit more clearly.

Post
#1449199
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I like it.

If I were asked to edit this text (which I do professionally), I would question whether the word “military” is necessary when describing the energy shields.

I’d also ask about the need to call Ventress “a priority target.”

Both of those details could be inferred from the context and just make the sentences wordier.

Grammatically (especially if you remove the “priority target” phrase), you should add a comma before ASAJJ VENTRESS. The comma would make it clear that she is Dooku’s assassin (the only one). Without the comma, the technical meaning is that she is one of his potentially many assassins.

That’s as nitpicky as I can be. Every version of the text has been an improvement over the previous, and as it stands now, it’s quite good.

Post
#1448882
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

We watched 1x01 and really enjoyed it. Looking forward to the new 1x02.

My wife wanted you to know that she didn’t even recognize it as the same show we tried to watch last year. She’s always loved Star Wars, but we just couldn’t get through the original first few episodes of Clone Wars. Thank you.

Post
#1448805
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

Well done. My wife is going to start the series with me tonight using this version.

Two tiny nitpicks in the opening crawl, both on the second slide:

  1. “the duo” comes so far from the reference to ObiWan and Anakin that it might be better to say “the Jedi.”
  2. “But” and “However” are awkward starting sentences right next to each other. If you drop the “However” and start with “They are unaware…” it will read more smoothly.

The only other issue I noticed was a big drop in volume when Ventress jumps up the stairs, which lasts for a few seconds/lines of dialogue before returning to normal.

Post
#1447261
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

A couple of further thoughts on the crawl to make it fit more closely with how you now introduce the situation:

  • “A huge Separatist blockade has forced the Republic support fleet to retreat…” > “The arrival of a Separatist blockade cuts off all communications and forces the Republic support fleet to retreat…”

This would emphasize that the Separatist fleet took the Republic by surprise, explaining their disadvantage. The present-tense wording would allow the retreat to be happening as the episode starts, instead of having happened already.

The tying of the comms situation directly to the fleet also would explain why Anakin and ObiWan are in the dark about everything except Ventress.

The last line then becomes about Anakin and ObiWan. “Unaware of the Separatist fleet, Obi Wan and Anakin trace the signal of the dark warrior Asaj Ventress to a building on the far side of the city…”

The “far side of the planet” sounds good but doesn’t make sense if Anakin and ObiWan are using speeder bikes instead of a shuttle/fighter. It’s also too far to be the place from which the droids march the next day.

Finally, is “dark warrior” the best intro title for Ventress? Alternatives could be the “fallen Jedi,” the “Sith assassin,” the “dark assassin,” “Dooku’s assassin,” etc. “Agent” could also be a good choice instead of “assassin” or “warrior.”

Post
#1447195
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

Much improved, but there are still a few minor changes I would recommend to improve the flow of the opening scenes.

  • Instead of opening with Republic ships taking fire, open with the speeder bikes. Your opening crawl already said that the Republic fleet had been forced to retreat to a medical station. If you want an establishing shot, maybe use one that only shows the Separatist ships in orbit?

  • When you cut away to the fleet at the med station and the Yoda/Windu transmission, show the entire conversation right then and there. Splitting it makes the first few minutes feel jumpier than it needs to.

  • You could cut ObiWan’s line after “Bringing us here was a mistake,” which then would remove the odd line where he calls her his sweet and go straight to her response “You’ve served your purpose.”

  • With the Yoda/Windu scene completed earlier, we next would transition directly to Anakin and ObiWan seeing the shuttle land. This still implies the passage of time (they’re in a different location on the planet), but it is less abrupt than going straight from Yalaren saying that he will take a ship personally and then it landing.

  • Yalaren tells Yoda that it won’t be easy to punch through the blockade, but the next we see of the fleet is the reinforcements landing after the shield goes down. Is there any footage of a space battle that should be inserted somewhere in between, maybe even just the opening shot from the pre-2.0 version where Venators are exchanging fire with the blockade?

I feel like each of these changes would make a difference, but there are no major issues now with this episode. The opening crawl does a much better job of setting things up, and overall I rather like this. If I saw this and didn’t know what else was coming, I’d be interested to see more and I’d be willing to introduce it to someone else. Well done.

Post
#1445939
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

01x00 was always my least favorite of your episodes, but I must say that it is vastly improved.

If there was one Chang I’d still suggest, it would be cutting the Grievous and Dooku introduction, since it’s very similar to what we already saw with Ventress and doesn’t actually explain Grievous. Let him simply appear in the battle, directing the droids and fighting Jedi. That tells you all you really need to know at this point.

Bottom Line = well done. I can’t wait for the other revisions!

Post
#1428845
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I made it through the second half of the 1st season. For better or for worse, I have far less feedback. The last few episodes were simply tighter than the first few.

01x05 - Cloak of Darkness

  • In the crawl, you mention Ventress’ recent failures. You may want to make it “failure at Kamino” to root it in the immediate context and because I’m not seeing much of a recent track record outside of that. She didn’t really fail in 01x01, though the invasion itself was repelled. I guess you could say that she failed to kill Anakin in 01x00, but again that is kind of an optional part of the series.

  • This episode might make more sense coming before The 501st. It has a lengthier intro for Ventress and explains why Asoka isn’t with Anakin. Note that if you go this route, you need to remove the whole thing about Ventress’ failure(s) from the opening crawl.

  • Once again, we have the issue of Ventress knowing and being known by the characters, this time Asoka. She knows that Asoka is Skywalker’s apprentice, and Asoka clearly recognizes Ventress (who in your edit has never encountered her). As before, this could be resolved by slightly trimming the lines/scenes.

01x06 - Children of Night

  • This episode is very hard to nitpick. It’s long. The part where Savage kills his brother is pretty hard emotionally, but I get that it’s important. I like what this does with fleshing out Ventress and the people of Darth Maul. I also like how it introduces a level of valid distrust between Sidious and Dooku.

  • I suppose there is once again the issue of how well (or not well) Ventress and ObiWan/Anakin know each other. How do they know her name? The impression that I have of her in this series is that she functions a lot like Maul did in Phantom Menace - a mysterious and clearly dark-side user who appears sometimes and fights with them, then disappears. She should be recognized at this point, but they shouldn’t really know much about her besides her species and affiliation with the Separatists. Some dialogue/scene trims to remove her name from their lines (especially in the early fighter battle) could maintain this status.

01x07 - The Blockade of Ryloth

  • Should Twi’lek be capitalized in the opening crawl? We generally capitalize nationalities and races today (the British royal family, an African-American singer, the Cuban missile crisis).

  • Audio-synch issue during rescue of Anakin 29:10 - end. I don’t know if this was somehow an issue with only the file I downloaded and saved, but from the point where Asoka leaves the hanger bay to rescue Anakin through the end of the episode, the audio is off by a few seconds.

01x08 - The Duchess of Mandalore

  • I have no suggestions. This was excellent.

01x09 - A Strike at the Heart 1

  • Should Duros be capitalized in the opening crawl? Same issue as Twi’lek in 01x07.

  • Anakin w Padme at first is awkward, but not inconsistent w Attack of the Clones. They just seem immature/dysfunctional. I understand that we have to have him giving her his lightsaber and that the conversation is the explanation for that. It’s just slightly cringe-worthy.

  • Why does Cad Bane know Skywalker by sight? Again, are the faces of every Jedi just common knowledge? The dialogue could easily be trimmed in the couple places where he says “Skywalker” to remove the recognition but keep the rest of the interaction intact.

01x10 - A Strike at the Heart 2

  • The clone bonking his head on a pipe seemed beneath their usual level of competence. Maybe just show them with the night-vision enabled already?

  • What is the purpose of Asoka’s lesson about the lightsaber at the end? I get that it’s a callback to the Anakin/Padme scene in part 1, and I guess that lightsabers get dropped a few times in all of this, but it seems pretty random. My guess is that in the original version this was a major dialogue thread/lesson. Here it is less so, and this scene just feels vestigial.

Season 1 Final Thoughts:

  • Overall this is quite good and definitely watchable. The weakest point is the use of recurring villains like Ventress and Grievous. I am not sure how they were or were not built as characters in the vanilla series, but here they hop in and out pretty arbitrarily. That doesn’t really hurt any particular episode, but it does remove their ability to be compelling, especially Ventress (who has what is potentially a really great arc).

In your version we meet Ventress, an unknown dark-side enemy who we see being trained/coerced by Dooku. She lures Anakin away to kill him but fails. This mysterious introduction (actually quite good aside from some of the Dooku parts where it’s hard to see why she is working for him) occurs in an “optional” episode. Therefore, you’d think we would get a proper introduction for her later on. We do, but not until she’s had two more appearances, during which the other characters seem to immediately know who she is, who she works for, even the title (Assassin) that she has been given. She also knows who the good guys are. This is probably because she has fought with them several other times in episodes/content that you cut. The problem is that it feels like that content was cut. It’s like in The Force Awakens when they don’t explain the First Order or the Resistance and then say that you should have read tie-in comic books or novel to understand that. Yes, I guess that can work, but it’s not kind to your audience. Your show is part of a larger universe, but it also should strive to be self-contained, providing viewers with everything they need to make sense of what they are seeing.

In light of all that, I suggest taking a hard look at Ventress in particular and editing, deleting, spacing, or rearranging her appearances to emphasize her arc. I love her initially being an unknown enemy (a lot like Maul in Phantom Menace), but I hate that the good guys get to know her in scenes that I don’t see. I love her big episode on Dathomir, but I wonder if it should come even later in the season, after The Siege of Ryloth or even after the Duchess of Mandalore. Alongside the Mandalorian stuff, it is arguably THE arc of the season.

As for Grievous, he has a far simpler storyline. His big ship gets destroyed and then he leads a fleet against Kamino. Then we see them still looking for him, but he doesn’t show up again. The optional first episode paints him as an anti-Jedi assassin; the rest of the season paints him as a flag officer. I think he’s fine as a flagship officer, but I think that his three mentions/appearances (Malevolence, Cloak of Darkness, and The 501st) should be a more intentional set. This could be done easily by rearranging their order and adjusting the crawl text to emphasize that the hunt for Grievous is a big deal after the Malevolence is destroyed. Maybe (moving it further up in order) to immediately after Kamino, have the Duchess episode start with the line, With General Grievous having escaped again and Kamino being secured, Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin return to Coruscant to reunite with Asoka Tano and the Jedi Council.

All in all, I see the flow of the season going like this:

01x00 - Dark Force Rising: Mysterious Ventress and intro to Grievous. All else is basically getting the audience up to speed with the Jedi leading clone troops against Separatist droids who are commanded from a distance by Dooku.

01x01 - The New Padawan: Full introductions for ObiWan, Anakin, and Asoka, as well as getting the audience up to speed with the Jedi leading clone troops against Separatist droids.

01x02 - Malevolence: Reintroduces Grievous as a flag officer and builds the threat of the Separatist navy.

01x03 - The Death Watch: Introduces the situation on Mandalore and adds depth to ObiWan. By placing this episode later, we would hijack the reason for Asoka’s absence in Cloak of Darkness and The 501st and use it to also justify her absence here. This would require an adjustment to the opening crawl.

01x04 - Cloak of Darkness: Reintroduces (fully) Ventress while Asoka has her own adventure and ObiWan and Anakin are elsewhere. By placing this episode here, we can juxtapose it with the events of The Death Watch for ObiWan and Anakin, draw out the threat posed by Grievous, and set up The 501st.

01x05 - The 501st: Brings the Ventress threat and the Grievous threat together. This would also close out the hunt for Grievous thread where Asoka has been doing her own thing.

01x06 - The Duchess of Mandalore: Regroups our main characters on Coruscant.

01x07 - The Blockade of Ryloth: Sends our heroes out to the front again.

 This one feels very standalone, but it’s a good standalone episode.

01x08 - Children of Night: Brings back Ventress for her big episode, which also introduces Maul (sort of) and sends the season off with a hint of things to come.

01x09/10 - A Strike at the Heart 1 and 2: Again brings the main characters back from the front to Coruscant for the big finale of the season.

These changes would build the appearances of the villains more evenly and do more to justify the way the main characters come and go.

Post
#1427933
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [SEVEN episodes upgraded to v2.0 (s01e06)]
Time

I just started watching these (Thanks for the access) and am trying to take notes so that I can provide detailed feedback. What you have done is refreshing and makes this series much more watchable for me. Still, I think there are things that I would try to improve if I were the editor, and I’d like to provide my feedback in case you find any of it helpful.

Episodes 01x00 through 01x04:

01x00 - Dark Force Rising

  • While you did a good job with the material, I still find the differences in art style and characterization between this and the rest of the series distracting. It’s not bad by any means, but this episode is not going to be part of my normal rewatch, especially since 01x01 does such a good job of introducing the characters etc.

01x01 - The New Padawan

  • I love the intro with finding Maul, but there is no relevance for this in the episode, or in the next few episodes. Is this really the best place for that cold open?

  • Ventress talks with ObiWan as if she is an old girlfriend, but we get no context for that here. We also hear her talk about meeting them again, but outside of her mysterious fight with Anakin in episode 0, there is no known background for this ongoing interaction. She also mentions that ObiWan and the Republic were betrayed (as explanation for how the Separatists got there), but since that isn’t included in your series, is it really good to bring up? (Addendum: It becomes clear that Ventress talks with everyone as if she is an old girlfriend, but that’s not immediately clear in this encounter.)

Cutting all of the above dialogue may leave the fight too short, but is this scene even needed in this episode? You could start with ObiWan looking through the binoculars at the marching droids, or even with the battle in the street where Anakin jumps onto the turret droid. This would require rewriting the crawl to remove Ventress and dropping us directly into the action as Star Wars often does, with ObiWan and Anakin trying to help the people stationed on the planet hold off a Separatist army until reinforcements arrive.

  • It is confusing trying to figure out who is holding what position on or around the planet. There are droids everywhere and Ventress is there, but the Separatists land/invade at the end of the Ventress fight. There are Republic ships in orbit, and seemingly ObiWan and Anakin recently arrived, but then there are no Republic ships and communication has been cut off until the one Venator arrives with Asoka.

By removing the initial space scene with the bombers and the Ventress part with the Seperatists landing, the situation could be simplified. We would see a planet locked in kind of a stalemate, hear that communications have been blocked (ObiWan hasn’t been able to contact the admiral), and see that a single Venator has been ambushed trying to bring supplies and needs to get reinforcements. ObiWan says that their previous support ships (likely the ones that brought them there) were all destroyed at some prior point.

  • The initial scene with the admiral, Yoda, and Windu is unecessary. The same information is communicated by ObiWan, the crew of the Venator, and Yoda when Asoka arrives.

  • Bail Organa only appears in two small scenes (one at the beginning and one at the end). Neither communicates much other than the easter egg of his presence. Should he really be there at all, or does it all flow better without him?

  • I’ve watched several edits of the Prequel Trilogy and one of my favorite “improvements” is the removal of dialogue by the battle droids. The idea is that they are all networked and therefore only need to speak when communicating to other characters. It makes them less goofy and more threatening. I don’t know if you’d want to do a similar thing in your edits, but it may be worth considering. (Addendum: This could be much trickier in later episodes like The 501st.)

  • Not knowing the original version very well, I don’t know if anything worthy can be added. If all of the above is cut, it will likely take the current 28-minute episode down below 20 minutes. Is that too short, especially for what is essentially the opening of the series? I’m not sure. The episode does an excellent job of introducing Asoka, ObiWan, and Anakin, along with a lot of the Separatist droid models. It’s a much stronger opening than episode 0 or the vanilla episodes 1 and 2.

01x02 - The Death Watch

  • The number of quick shots in the opening strikes me as a bit overdone. We don’t need to see ObiWan in the cockpit, because we know it’s him from the crawl and from when he climbs out. I’m not sure we even need to see him undock from the hyperspace ring. The approach to the city is a nice introduction and reminds me of the opening to Attack of the Clones, but I could also imagine the episode starting with him landing and climbing out.

  • There’s probably nothing that you could do about it (the available footage is the available footage), but it seems very foolish for ObiWan to call the duchess to help him check out what he knows is a Death Watch hideout when he knows that they are after her.

  • Again, there’s probably not much you can do, but it would be nice if Anakin said something about where Asoka is when he shows up for escort duty. Maybe the crawl could be edited to reflect not only that he is taking her somewhere else, but specifically that he is dropping her off somewhere (maybe to visit family or something, if that makes sense in the context of the larger series).

  • The “stand by for lightspeed” mini-scene seems almost unnecessary and distracting from the scenes around it. I get that it shows why the view outside the windows changes, but I’m not sure it needs to be spelled out like that. You could replace it with the slightly-later establishing shot of the ship in hyperspace and remove that, making the Anakin ObiWan conversation a longer less-broken sequence.

  • This is a great episode. I have the impression that there was a lot more stuff with the assassin spiders in the lower decks - the way you handled them seemed just right to me. Everything in this episode blended well together. It had a steady pace and made me care about the characters and world.

01x03 - Malevolence

  • The crawl tells us about the big bad battleship Malevolence, but what if it was a mystery to the audience? It seems to be a mystery to the characters. They could know that Grievous is behind the mysterious attacks that are leaving behind no survivors.

  • I’m not sure about Grievous’ line about concern for troops being a weakness to exploit, because I’m not seeing how that’s being exploited at all in this episode, particularly in relation to the opening battle.

  • I’m not sure that the initial scene on the medical station is necessary. It confirms that the threat is a warship (reduces the mystery and suggests that they know for a fact that it is coming - how?). The danger to the station is logically deduced later by Anakin, so this scene might be able to be skipped without losing anything.

  • It seems to me that there are too many short scenes in the escape pod. Maybe the first one could be joined into the end of the opening battle to increase plot cohesion. Maybe this could happen right after Grievous says to destroy the escape pods.

  • The first scene with the Malevolent in hyperspace is probably not necessary. It also contributes to the idea that Grievous doesn’t know exactly what he and his ship are doing.

  • It’s strange that ObiWan contacts Anakin via holo after telling Yoda and Windu that he’s been in contact with Anakin. Is the ObiWan Anakin scene really needed? If cut, you would still have searching and the scene with Yoda and Windu, but the next time you cut to the shuttle, R2 would find the signal.

  • When Anakin is talking near the Y-Wings he surmises the next target of the Malevolent. That would then make sense as the setup for the evacuations. If you cut the initial scene on the station and move the second one, where they discuss evacuation progress to sometime soon after this scene, the plot will make more sense. Note that the transition from the Y-Wing conversation directly to the Malevolent in hyperspace is excellent - don’t change that. It will be even better if we lose that earlier shot of the ship in hyperspace.

  • Why does Grievous know that Skywalker is leading the fighters? Why does he care? I suggest trimming his battle lines/scenes to eliminate the Skywalker references.

  • Grievous says “impossible” twice, almost as if he doesn’t anticipate things going wrong ever. Since he clearly has an escape plan for himself, perhaps consider cutting the number of times he reacts with surprise to the battle going badly. Instead, keep him angry but deliberate in responding to the situation as it develops.

01x04 - The 501st Legion

  • While I really like most of your crawls, this one gives a lot of information that is later supplied contextually. It’s good to introduce the idea of the cloning facilities and Grievous being hunted, but the part about the trainees is hit pretty hard and explained thoroughly right after this. The sentence about Captain Rex supporting Anakin but also inspecting facilities is a bit strange. Maybe change it to something like “Meanwhile, CAPTAIN REX, who normally supports Anakin and the 501st Legion, has been given a special assignment to inspect the local clone outposts, in order to prepare them for possible Separatist attack.”

  • I’m not sure that you need as many scenes about the trainees at the beginning. They seem a bit repetitive, especially with the one bounty hunter/trainer trash-talking 99. At the same time, I’m not sure quite what to trim without losing too much.

  • Though not by your choice, there remains a lot of battle droid oddness in this episode. The droids communicate a lot with each other verbally and are unable to pick up on things going on around them, like when the clones are trying to pass for a droid at the door to the facility. It may not be possible to make the battle droids fully appear an efficient and lethal force, but you may wish to make adjustments that direction. Again, I’ve seen Prequel edits where they eliminate the droid chatter and imply that they are all networked - it helps.

  • When Ventress meets Anakin in the DNA room, we again get the feeling that it isn’t the first time. Most of their interaction can go either way, but his line “without saying hello” directly implies that they know each other. If we accept episode 0 and maintain her presence in episode 1, that works. If you skip 0 and remove her scene from 1, this line also needs to be trimmed.

I personally think that this episode can serve as a good introduction for Ventress. When she first appears, Grievous calls her “assassin,” and she says that she was given orders from Dooku. This is pretty much everything that has been established in her prior appearances (besides claiming to be a Sith). If this is the first time we see her, we learn what need to know, and she gets to do something integral to what is going on.

  • Why would Grievous know ObiWan by name? This again implies a prior interaction that was never shown. It wouldn’t be hard to trim that out of the scenes, making ObiWan (to Grievous) just some random Jedi that happens to be on Kamino. I like that the first time we see Grievous fight (if you don’t count episode 0) is vs ObiWan, who will eventually kill him in a rematch.