I totally understand that. I just want to make sure that I let you in on anything I change, since you did 99% of the work I’m basing my personal copy on.
Thank you again for doing this. I makes a huge difference for the series’ watchability.
Very good episode. I still did go through it again myself though and made a series of tiny trims totaling about 2 minutes. All are pretty nitpicky. Specifics are below, and the file I created is available at the link I previously sent you via PM. As always, feel free to incorporate or mimic anything you like.
Trimmed the traitor’s early line about coming across as defensive
Trimmed out awkward pauses in Satine’s rooftop greeting to ObiWan
Trimmed rooftop mention of Death Watch being on Concordia, as this gets implied/mentioned three separate times, which is a lot for something mysterious
Trimmed “weak” from “weak, peace-loving government” in the talk w Dooku
Trimmed the governor’s random reminder of the idea that Satine is trying to ally with the Separatists. I get that he’s trying to undermine her and say he knows why ObiWan is there, but it feels random and irrelevant.
Trimmed ObiWan repeating to the governor that the man who bombed the shrine was a member of Death Watch.
Trimmed ObiWan’s semi-correction that he’s hoping to confirm that the mines aren’t operational.
Trimmed the warrior’s line about not respecting Satine and jumped straight to him shooting the lightsaber out of ObiWan’s hand.
Trimmed ObiWan’s line about Satine having not changed when she says “but you weren’t [killed back there].”
Trimmed Satine’s line on the platform about having hoped that ObiWan of all people would have understood her position. Instead, she offers a more direct rebuke of what he’s saying.
Trimmed the first elevator interchange about ObiWan having known Satine previously.
Adjusted the timing and volume of the loud door closing sound after ObiWan and Anakin enter the audience chamber.
Trimmed the line about it being weird that Artoo is scanning a lot (at least I think that’s what was said). Now the trooper reports Artoo acting strange and two men missing.
Trimmed another awkward moment where Anakin asks about ObiWan and Satine in the middle of trying to help. I understand the teasing but it seems a very unhelpful time for it.
Tightened up dialogue around the standoff with the advisor to make it a little less corny.
Trimmed Anakin’s final “What was that about?” because he knows and we all know he knows. He still has the line about Satine being a special lady.
Interesting. I like showing Anakin leaving Ahsoka behind, and I agree that this is the only logical place to insert it, but I’m not sure what purpose the second half with her at the computer serves. I think it would be fine to wipe-cut from Anakin flying off to ObiWan and Satine walking toward the ship, where Anakin meets them.
Is there anything that shows her getting recruited for the mission in Assassin? If so, the second half of this could be used as part of that lead-in footage, which could open out the next episode. It would then show her being bored and jumping at the chance to go back out into the middle of things, even if it’s not with Anakin and ObiWan.
Yes.
Why the comma after Council of Neutral Systems?
I get what you mean about “sides” in this context. My thinking was that each planet can only choose 1 side or the other, but I suppose the sentence leaves that detail up for interpretation.
True. The capitalization would almost imply that they are turning into a third major faction.
I like “independence” better than “peace.” I think it puts the focus more on their local interests and less on its larger implications for the war.
Maybe “and Anakin returns Ahsoka” instead of “while.” Then you can use “Meanwhile” in the next sentence, which really does need something at the beginning to transition into the current action.
I like the first version better, but I do like the final line of the second.
Other thoughts:
“refuse to take sides” > “refuse to take a side”
“the Council of Neutral Systems” > “a COUNCIL OF NEUTRAL SYSTEMS”
“to preserve their peace” > “to preserve the peace” (but is it really even “preserving” at this point?)
I definitely don’t like “after destroying his flagship.” If you want the context in version 2, maybe use “With the Malevolence destroyed, the clone army hunts for Grievous, while Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies.”
Is there room to change “Now” to “Meanwhile?” But then it might sound too much like the “while” in the prior sentence.
Should the Attack on the Republic cruiser be shown briefly at the start of the episode, much like the battle with the Malevolence was shown at the start of the prior episode? Or would that be creating too much of a pattern, where something happens, then we go investigate it?
That’s terrible! Glad you’re on the mend.
You had us spoiled with the frequency of those initial releases. Hope all is well.
Well done, sir. Your final version convinced me of a couple retentions. I also appreciate your transitions, which I will roll back into my personal copy. Thank you.
I can’t wait for the rest of 2.0. Feel free to keep running the intro text past us as you go.
Thank you. I can’t wait to see the result.
Also, I too listen to the credits because of the awesome music and artwork. The tune gets stuck in my head all the time.
Hello. Your edits are my go-to for both the prequel and sequel trilogies, but something has been bugging me about this one.
How is it possible for the First Order to be recharging the Starkiller? If it fired when the sun was depleted, do they have a spare sun? It seems to me that it was designed as a grand single-use weapon, or alternatively it would need to be moved after each use.
Have you considered removing the couple of references to recharging or acquiring a new target after the Hosnian system is destroyed? The threat to the Resistance could still be made, just with the implication that ships will be sent to eradicate them (as we see in The Last Jedi).
Thank you for your work and for your consideration.
I’ve finished my pass and have sent a link to the video in a PM.
I actually ended up making a lot of adjustments, including trims and rearrangements in order to streamline the story and move things forward at a more even pace. I can’t replicate your excellent wipe-transitions, but I did what I could. Feel free to reintegrate or mimic any of my changes if you wish.
The full summary of changes are as follows:
Cut from the launch of the hunter droids to Anakin and Asoka with the Jedi Council.
Cut ObiWan’s line about learning from Anakin to maintain formality in the Council.
Replaced the scene with stale air and discovering a broken pod with the initial one where they intend to wait for rescue. The other scene adds nothing that isn’t repeated elsewhere - the pessimism, PloKoon valuing their lives, and the discovery of droids hunting pods are all introduced again later. This also reduces the number of scene-jumps for a smoother episode.
From the pod we go directly to the launch of Asoka and Anakin’s ship (a very short scene), and from there to ObiWan finding out. The scene with Grievous is gone, effectively dropping him off the map for the audience, as well as the characters.
Trimmed an establishing shot of Anakin and Asoka flying toward the wreckage and planet. We already got a similar shot when they first arrived, and the trim makes everything feel faster and the events here and on the pod concurrent.
Trimmed some of the reaction of the clones to the approaching hunter droids in order to smooth the transition and remove mildly awkward dialogue.
Cut Asoka’s reaction and “let’s go in” after R2 detects a signal. Her line was mildly annoying and removing it weakened nothing.
Removed the clone line “It’s Asoka!” I’m not sure how much name recognition she’d have yet. Jumping straight to the next line “She must be close!” is equally effective and dodges the question of whether these clones know her already.
Trimmed the Jedi Council talking again about the mystery weapon, mainly because I’m tired of the line and because it makes them seem fretful instead of deliberate/strategic. Instead, we start with Yoda’s line about Grievous being one step ahead of them.
Cut PloKoon’s reference to humor, since I cut the earlier joke line (and that entire scene).
Cut the entire Palpatine hologram conversation. Without it, we go straight from PloKoon concentrating to Asoka connecting to him.
Transitioned from Asoka comforting PloKoon to the first medical-station scene. By moving this scene later, we transition the focus of the episode to the showdown. We also have Yalaren reference the battleship, information that they presumably learned offscreen from PloKoon, who will momentarily show up aboard the Venator.
From the med station, we transition to Grievous en route to remind us that he exists and to announce that he is very close.
From Grievous’ short scene, we jump to Anakin’s speech to the troops. There is little lost by cutting the prior scene with PloKoon and the Y-Wings. This moves the fleet more quickly from preparation to action.
Cut ObiWan’s reference to a shortcut (only elsewhere mentioned in the cut PloKoon and Y-Wing scene), along with some surrounding dialogue.
Swapped the order of evacuation/arrival scenes. Now we see ships undocking, hear the med station personnel discussing the evacuations, and see Grievous arrive.
Abbreviated some of Grievous’ orders at the start of battle to show more focus.
Trimmed and arranged the entrance of the Y-Wings to be faster and more direct. Now they appear, Grievous notices but orders the ion cannon powered, the fighters begin staffing, they take damage, and Asoka points out that they can’t all make it. (I trimmed her second “Master” to reduce annoyance and make him more responsive to her.) I also moved PloKoon’s comment about attacking the ion cannon until after Anakin changes their target. Now the idea was his and Asoka’s. PloKoon just explains why it makes sense.
Cut a redundant Y-Wing approach snd torpedo launch during the ion cannon attack.
Cut a shot of the ion cannon charging after it has already been shown more fully charged.
Transitioned directly from the ion cannon explosion to the Y-Wings returning to the med station.
Trimmed Anakin’s line about it being hard losing his men. It seemed a little too overtly sentimental for the moment. He says enough with his tone and mentioning the losses.
Cut some of the shots with Venators pursuing the Malevolence in order to move things ahead slightly faster. I also cut any shots with PloKoon suddenly on the bridge instead of in his fighter.
Total running time = 25 min
The downside of this secondary edit is that, in many ways, it feels more like two episodes that have been joined at the middle. But then again, so do most of the Star Wars movies themselves.
I just watched the new 1x02. Again, much improved. Grievous especially is much more competent. This episode still feels very busy though. I’m going to throw it into iMovie and see if any trims can streamline it further without compromising the content. Full feedback coming after I play around with it.
That works.
But then Anakin is the only one without a full name. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin, Ahsoka Tano, and Plo Koon.
I appreciate the intentionality with your 1x01 choices. In accepting/rejecting changes, it often comes down to making sure that the wording has been chosen for a specific purpose.
For the 1x02 crawl, I’d say that the wording is solid, but I would suggest breaking the sentences differently. It’s mostly subjective, but I think it would read slightly better as follows:
Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
The Republic faces a dire emergency. The leader of Dooku’s army, the droid general GRIEVOUS, strikes swiftly from the shadows.
With a new weapon, the battleship MALEVOLENCE, he has been medical stations, killing thousands of wounded clones.
Obi-Wan Kenobi urgently coordinates the evacuation of medical stations in the Naboo sector, where six have recently been destroyed.
While Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano lead the search for Grievous, Jedi Master PLO KOON picks up the battleship’s signal and moves to intercept.
But no fleet that has faced the Malevolence has yet survived…
I also got rid of “his new padawan” in order to make room for “and moves to intercept,” which I think paints the situation a bit more clearly.
I like it.
If I were asked to edit this text (which I do professionally), I would question whether the word “military” is necessary when describing the energy shields.
I’d also ask about the need to call Ventress “a priority target.”
Both of those details could be inferred from the context and just make the sentences wordier.
Grammatically (especially if you remove the “priority target” phrase), you should add a comma before ASAJJ VENTRESS. The comma would make it clear that she is Dooku’s assassin (the only one). Without the comma, the technical meaning is that she is one of his potentially many assassins.
That’s as nitpicky as I can be. Every version of the text has been an improvement over the previous, and as it stands now, it’s quite good.
We watched 1x01 and really enjoyed it. Looking forward to the new 1x02.
My wife wanted you to know that she didn’t even recognize it as the same show we tried to watch last year. She’s always loved Star Wars, but we just couldn’t get through the original first few episodes of Clone Wars. Thank you.
Well done. My wife is going to start the series with me tonight using this version.
Two tiny nitpicks in the opening crawl, both on the second slide:
The only other issue I noticed was a big drop in volume when Ventress jumps up the stairs, which lasts for a few seconds/lines of dialogue before returning to normal.
Not the greatest episode, but thank you again for your continued efforts.
A couple of the shots are a little unsteady (particularly the shuttle launch and one pan across the bridge), but that’s all I noticed.
I’m looking forward to the next couple.
Interested. PM sent.
A couple of further thoughts on the crawl to make it fit more closely with how you now introduce the situation:
This would emphasize that the Separatist fleet took the Republic by surprise, explaining their disadvantage. The present-tense wording would allow the retreat to be happening as the episode starts, instead of having happened already.
The tying of the comms situation directly to the fleet also would explain why Anakin and ObiWan are in the dark about everything except Ventress.
The last line then becomes about Anakin and ObiWan. “Unaware of the Separatist fleet, Obi Wan and Anakin trace the signal of the dark warrior Asaj Ventress to a building on the far side of the city…”
The “far side of the planet” sounds good but doesn’t make sense if Anakin and ObiWan are using speeder bikes instead of a shuttle/fighter. It’s also too far to be the place from which the droids march the next day.
Finally, is “dark warrior” the best intro title for Ventress? Alternatives could be the “fallen Jedi,” the “Sith assassin,” the “dark assassin,” “Dooku’s assassin,” etc. “Agent” could also be a good choice instead of “assassin” or “warrior.”
Much improved, but there are still a few minor changes I would recommend to improve the flow of the opening scenes.
Instead of opening with Republic ships taking fire, open with the speeder bikes. Your opening crawl already said that the Republic fleet had been forced to retreat to a medical station. If you want an establishing shot, maybe use one that only shows the Separatist ships in orbit?
When you cut away to the fleet at the med station and the Yoda/Windu transmission, show the entire conversation right then and there. Splitting it makes the first few minutes feel jumpier than it needs to.
You could cut ObiWan’s line after “Bringing us here was a mistake,” which then would remove the odd line where he calls her his sweet and go straight to her response “You’ve served your purpose.”
With the Yoda/Windu scene completed earlier, we next would transition directly to Anakin and ObiWan seeing the shuttle land. This still implies the passage of time (they’re in a different location on the planet), but it is less abrupt than going straight from Yalaren saying that he will take a ship personally and then it landing.
Yalaren tells Yoda that it won’t be easy to punch through the blockade, but the next we see of the fleet is the reinforcements landing after the shield goes down. Is there any footage of a space battle that should be inserted somewhere in between, maybe even just the opening shot from the pre-2.0 version where Venators are exchanging fire with the blockade?
I feel like each of these changes would make a difference, but there are no major issues now with this episode. The opening crawl does a much better job of setting things up, and overall I rather like this. If I saw this and didn’t know what else was coming, I’d be interested to see more and I’d be willing to introduce it to someone else. Well done.
01x00 was always my least favorite of your episodes, but I must say that it is vastly improved.
If there was one Chang I’d still suggest, it would be cutting the Grievous and Dooku introduction, since it’s very similar to what we already saw with Ventress and doesn’t actually explain Grievous. Let him simply appear in the battle, directing the droids and fighting Jedi. That tells you all you really need to know at this point.
Bottom Line = well done. I can’t wait for the other revisions!
I’m actually far more impressed with the Asoka lightsaber lesson knowing that you connected the dots to put it there. It definitely felt like the original ending of the episode due to its echoing of the Anakin/Padme conversation.