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oojason

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5-May-2004
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Post
#80889
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80889/action/topic#80889
Time
Glad you're liking 'em...

Here's one doing the email rounds, that you Americans may not be so keen on :-



BRITAIN HAS REVOKED AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE!

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect an acceptable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who
have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
with correct pronunciation.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" eg.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should
instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2006. You should stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game, which is not played outside of America.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler.

8. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

9. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine".

12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon
- get used to it).

13. You will hand over Mel Gibson to face charges of treason, and recently making bad films.

14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Post
#80726
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80726/action/topic#80726
Time
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:-


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.




HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Have a piss.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Post
#80725
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80725/action/topic#80725
Time
another oldie, but goodie...


Thought for the day .......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by the year 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...
Post
#80711
Topic
The Star Wars Kid...
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80711/action/topic#80711
Time
Anyone where I can find the clip where the Star Wars Kid has appears as a hologram in place of Leia in Ben's hut from Ep 4?

Saw a glimpse of it ages ago, but havn't managed to track it down yet...

My fave remains the original Matrix clip (with Morpheus voiceover), though another clip with SWKid blocking loads of blaster fire lase with his sabre was kind of impressive and made look like he knew what he was doing


SWKid at JediMaster

SWKid at StarWarsKid

anyone have any others?

Post
#80577
Topic
Lucasfilm acknowledging fan hate
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80577/action/topic#80577
Time
Given their reply to the audio probs on the 04 dvd set is anyone really surprisied by the contempt they the show the people who paid good money and put them where they are today?

I really don't want to hate Lucas, but his people have got to start treating their fans better - or maybe they think they don't t have to anymore as the £££ are drying up with the last film on the horizon?
Post
#80461
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80461/action/topic#80461
Time
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Post
#80460
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80460/action/topic#80460
Time
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A man at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge, ignoring the outbust continues... "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The man in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the man in the back of the courtroom "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you - or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b'stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Post
#80459
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/80459/action/topic#80459
Time
^ lol




I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole 'Women from Venus and Men from Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do".

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up... and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??..What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man!" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, where she picked up a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you....she was soooo excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all I'd like, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it". Her face just went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while...........You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either...