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oojason

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Join date
5-May-2004
Last activity
18-Oct-2025
Posts
8,938

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Post
#198778
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/198778/action/topic#198778
Time
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
Post
#198777
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/198777/action/topic#198777
Time
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:-


Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (it gives off heat) or endothermic (it absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some similar variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa - a classmate - during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Post
#198776
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/198776/action/topic#198776
Time
A man enters his tenth floor flat certain he'd find a man in bed with his wife... he searches all over the flat and finds only his wife... alone and naked... he looks over the balcony and sees a guy leaving the building.

he charges into the kitchen...picks up the fridge and launches it off the balcony...

the next day... 2 men wake up in hospital, next to each other covered head to toe in bandages... one says the the other... what happened to you?

i was just walking out from my block of flats when suddenly a large fridge crashed down on me... what about you?

you are not going to believe this said the other guy.....i was in the fridge!!
Post
#198775
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/198775/action/topic#198775
Time
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase...
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year"
Post
#197839
Topic
Broadband for the UK'ers out there - Advice!
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/197839/action/topic#197839
Time
G'day m8

I have wireless telewest broadband (about 512kb) - 'tis ok even on my ancient laptop and does the job. Haven't had a problem with it yet, and together with the Telewest 3 for £30 package (+ telephone line rental and a basicish cable tv package) is ok for me. Think it is still unlimted use of downloads.

The old man-in-law has BT Broadband - a Voyager 105 modem - 2.2mb - very quick, easy to use, and was most impressed with it. Does need a BT phone landline though. Not sure how much he pays monthly for it though - or if there is a limit on the downloads.
Post
#197248
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/197248/action/topic#197248
Time

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL AD'S:-


40'ISH - 49

ADVENTUROUS - SLEPT WITH EVERYONE

ATHLETIC - NO BREASTS

FEMINIST - FAT

VOLUPTUOUS - VERY FAT

AVERAGE LOOKING - MOOOO !

BEAUTIFUL - PATHELOGICAL LIAR

EMOTIONALLY SECURE - ON MEDICATION

OUTGOING - EMBARASSINGLY LOUD

FREE SPIRIT - JUNKIE

FRIENDSHIP FIRST - FORMER SLUT

OLD FASHIONED - NO BLOWJOBS

NEW AGE - BODY HAIR IN WRONG PLACES

PROFESSIONAL - BITCH

OPEN MINDED - DESPERATE

LOOKING FOR SOULMATE - STALKER

---------------------------------------------------------------


DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH ---

YES - NO

NO - YES

MAYBE - NO

WE NEED - I WANT

I AM SORRY - YOU'LL BE SORRY

WE NEED TO TALK - YOU'RE IN TROUBLE

SURE, GO AHEAD - YOU BETTER NOT

DO WHAT YOU WANT - YOU WILL PAY FOR IT LATER

I AM NOT UPSET - OF COURSE I'M UPSET, YOU MORON

YOU'RE VERY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT - IS SEX ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?
Post
#194933
Topic
BSG
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/194933/action/topic#194933
Time

The end few minutes of LDYB Pt2 has been seemingly recut - the musical score has been omitted and the CGI Cylons look a lot clearer and more menacing now...

Can be found here:-

http://www.scifi.com/battlestar/ and then click on the "In case you misssed it click here to watch the final few minutes of the season two finale. Plus the Seaosn 3 Teaser." in the top right corner of the screen.


Chilling.
Post
#193885
Topic
BSG
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/193885/action/topic#193885
Time
Originally posted by: PSYCHO_DAYV
I GOT IT TO WORK WITHOUT ANY PROBLEMS.



Cheers DAYV - am still having probs getting the page up - probably my old pc causing problems

will try again in a couple of days, or on another pc.


Ron Moore's wife - MrsRon - has a thread on the sci-fi forums - now at 55 pages long in just a week... MrRon must be worried... lol
Post
#193802
Topic
BSG
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/193802/action/topic#193802
Time
^ I THINK there were some very minor cuts on a couple of sex & battle scenes on the UK Sky One version - but only a second or to here and there - nothing major.

The 1st series here in the UK aired at 8pm - 1 hour before the UK tv 'watershed' - and so a couple of scenes/frames MAY have been omitted.

The 2nd series has aired at 9pm - so unlikely there'd be any cuts or edits.






Post
#193558
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/193558/action/topic#193558
Time
TWO MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE:


Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson -
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson -
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!



This ends your two-minute management course
Post
#192499
Topic
BSG
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/192499/action/topic#192499
Time
Originally posted by: ChainsawAsh
I've been waiting so long for Gaius to finally blossom into a true villain, and here it is.

I must say though, that I felt they lost a LOT of potential character stuff in that one-year gap - they've been doing these large gaps recently, and I don't like it. They're losing a LOT of character-development potential, which is what this series has always been from the beginning - a character drama. It seems like that's becoming lost in the let's-jump-ahead-to-the-good-parts attitude.



There may be a fair chance of the 1st half of next season going through the stories from that missing year - relationships and events in flashbacks etc - have to hand it to Moore, he certainly keeps things fresh - and us guessing with it... it's certainly got the viewers thinking and talking


(Ticks of another day off calendar to October...)

Post
#192092
Topic
BSG
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/192092/action/topic#192092
Time
Ron Moore's missus was quite funny on last week's podcast - could hear Ron nearly spitting out his whiskey when she told everyone she reads the SciFi website's BSG forums every day

I think Ron had David Eick - the other producer on with him for tonight's ep - should be quite interesting to see they get on - or not!
Post
#191982
Topic
OT.com fan edit blog: your thoughts please (Update: development underway)
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/191982/action/topic#191982
Time
The items that Zion and Moth3r mentioned would be great to have - no more repetitive questions (and sometimes incorrect answers) for the specs on all the differing sets.

I remember when there were only the 'Anamorphic' and 'Tr47' OT dvdr sets, and MagnoliaFan was just getting his Ep1 FanEdit out to people - it was a simpler time...


Looking forward to seeing the new look forums - keep up the great work Jay - 'tis most appreciated m8.

Post
#189729
Topic
BSG
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/189729/action/topic#189729
Time
Very much enjoyed the latest episode - and left with me the feeling for immediately needing to see the series finale as soon as the credits rolled on this ep

Poor Chief Tyrol - seems like Ron Moore has a penchant for punishing anyone who carries the rank of Chief in one of his shows (Chief O'Brien from TNG & DS9 regualary was regulary emotionally and physically abused and tortured)! Perhaps he never got on with the engineers and non/coms from his navy days...

Baltar is a joy to watch - so slimy and scheming - it's a joy to watch