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oojason

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Join date
5-May-2004
Last activity
1-Jul-2025
Posts
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Post
#134080
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/134080/action/topic#134080
Time
WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Post
#133329
Topic
Flash Gordon Rumor - now a 'general discussion' thread for Flash Gordon
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/133329/action/topic#133329
Time
There's been a bare-bones region 2 dvd of the 1980 Flash Gordon film for a couple of years - usually goes for around £7 (US$11?)

www.play.com

www.amazon.co.uk


For anyone with a region 1 dvd player the chances are that it can made into a multi-region dvd player - info at dvd.reviewer.co.uk or probably dvdhelp.com


Good to see a new special edition coming soon, though
Post
#132499
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/132499/action/topic#132499
Time
GENUINE MEDICAL NOTES
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by doctors...




By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for more than one year


On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared


She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night


The patient has been depressed ever since she started seeing me in 1983


Patient was released to out patient department without dressing


I have suggested that he loosen his pants without standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor


The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


Discharge status: Alive but without permission


The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him


Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful


The patient refused an autopsy


The patient has no past history of suicides.


The patient expired on the floor uneventfully


Patient has left his white blood cells in another hospital


The patient's past medical history has been remarkabley insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days


She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December


The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room


The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch


Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant


The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airoplane ran out of gas and crashed.


Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up


She is numb from her toes down


While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home


The skin was moist and dry


Coming from Manchester, this man has no children


Patient was alert and unresponsive


When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room


Post
#132443
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/132443/action/topic#132443
Time
^ lMAO


A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with an ink blot test.

He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."

He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
Post
#131710
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/131710/action/topic#131710
Time
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to be with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he's absolutely shattered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damn hole!"

Post
#131709
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/131709/action/topic#131709
Time

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure the headaches you've had for 20 years. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new under wear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Post
#131652
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/131652/action/topic#131652
Time

These are 'double enente sytle' clips from council complaint letters...



My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. >

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Post
#131704
Topic
terror in london
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/131704/action/topic#131704
Time
COPS' STOCK REPLY

by Brian Reade - The Mirror Newspaper (UK tabloid)

"WE now know that the Brazilian murdered by police in Stockwell wasn't a suspected suicide bomber.

We now know he didn't wear a bulky coat, didn't vault a ticket barrier or run when ordered to stop, and that he was executed after he'd been restrained.

So why am I not surprised that our police appear to have been grossly incompetent, recklessly gung-ho and obscenely dishonest in immediately issuing a pack of lies to cover their own backsides?

Mainly because I was at the Hillsborough football stadium in 1989 when 96 people were killed while under police supervision, and a similar train of events ensued.

While the dead were still being identified, a police story travelled the world that the fans were drunk, had forced down a gate, crushed their own to death, before pick-pocketing and urinating on the corpses. (Later it was found that Police had altered notebooks and statements on their views of the fans of the day to portray an unruly drunken crowd that had arrived late for the game)

Lord Justice Taylor eventually proved this was all lies, and he firmly blamed the police for the disaster.

But by then it was too late. The world had swallowed the lies, the police had investigated themselves and cleared every officer of blame.

No wonder Scotland Yard wanted to run its own inquiry into the Stockwell tragedy, too.

British police? The best in the world..."


I've no problem with the officer who made the split-second decision to fire the shot(s) - though the cover up and slur campaign is disgraceful.
Post
#131703
Topic
terror in london
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/131703/action/topic#131703
Time
British Police

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4163568.stm

Met 'resisted Tube death probe'

Scotland Yard "initially resisted" the investigation into the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, the Independent Police Complaints Commission has said.

The inquiry was not formally handed over to the IPCC until five days after the Brazilian was shot dead by police on a Tube, BBC News now understands.

Lawyers for Mr de Menezes' family said this "fatal delay" meant vital evidence could have been lost.

They called for a public inquiry to sort out the "chaotic mess".

After meeting the IPCC, solicitor Gareth Peirce said: "We expressed our extreme concern that although they have a statutory duty to investigate from the very moment of a fatal death at the hands of the state, they were not there."

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair wrote to the Home Office on the morning of Mr de Menezes' death to make sure the terrorist investigation took precedence over any IPCC probe.

This dispute has caused us delay in taking over the investigation

John Wadham
IPCC deputy chairman


Questioning 'shoot-to-kill'
Police shooting discrepancies
Timeline: Tube shooting

Scotland Yard said Sir Ian had believed the dead man was linked to terrorism when he made the request.

In a statement on Thursday, IPCC deputy chairman John Wadham said: "The Metropolitan Police Service initially resisted us taking on the investigation - but we overcame that.

"It was an important victory for our independence.

"This dispute has caused us delay in taking over the investigation - but we have worked hard to recover the lost ground."

Mr Wadham said the IPCC would now "search for the truth".

"We are confident that at the conclusion of this inquiry, we will be able to tell the family exactly what happened."

He added: "We are looking forward to meeting the family to answer their obvious questions and concerns directly.

"It is our policy to update families on a regular basis during investigations."

The inquiry was now "making good progress", would be thorough and impartial, and should be completed within three to six months, Mr Wadham said.

A public inquiry is the only kind of inquiry that can deal with the issues brought up in this case

Gareth Peirce - De Menezes family's lawyer "We will not be rushing to any conclusion," he said.

Investigation papers, leaked to ITV News, suggest the Brazilian electrician was restrained by a surveillance officer before being shot eight times on 22 July - a day after the failed London bombings.

The documents contradict initial eyewitness reports suggesting Mr de Menezes had hurdled a barrier at Stockwell Tube station and was wearing a padded jacket.

Ms Peirce said: "The situation demands something fast for public interest as well as the family's interest.

"There have been lies that have been told and there have been lies that have been allowed to remain uncorrected."

She also said: "A public inquiry is, in fact, the only kind of inquiry that can deal effectively with the big policy issues brought up in this case, whether or not there is a prosecution or inquest."

On the day of the shooting, Scotland Yard said that "his clothing and his behaviour at the station added to [the officers'] suspicions".

But the documents suggest Mr de Menezes was wearing a denim jacket and walked into the station, picked up a free newspaper, walked through ticket barriers and only started to run when he saw a train arriving.


An image leaked to ITV shows Mr de Menezes lying dead on the Tube.

Jenny Jones, a member of the Metropolitan Police Authority, told the BBC she had faith in what the IPCC was doing, but said she also wanted a public inquiry into what happened.

"The fact that there's been a leak has to demonstrate that there are problems with the procedure, and I therefore think it's time now to come clean and actually let us all know exactly what's been going on," she said.

Ms Jones also called for "the guidelines the police are using for this shoot-to-kill policy" to be made public.

"The guidelines are clearly confused if people can make a mistake.

"The best way of mopping up any confusion is to make sure that there is some sort of democratic oversight, so we have to see those guidelines."

The BBC's home affairs correspondent Daniel Sandford says there was also a "growing focus" on Metropolitan Police chief Cressida Dick, reportedly in charge of the firearms unit when the shooting happened, and reports there were "confused commands" about the shoot-to-kill policy coming from her.

The Daily Mirror newspaper said she told the surveillance team Mr de Menezes should be detained before he reached Stockwell Tube station.

But ITV News said the 44-year-old also told officers: "Whatever you do, do not let him get on the Tube."

Labour MP Ann Cryer, who sits on the Commons Home Affairs Committee, is calling for a review of the shoot-to-kill policy.

She told BBC News: "We normally go through the procedures of apprehension, prosecution, conviction and punishment.

"If you have a shoot-to-kill policy, where does all that go?"

But London Mayor Ken Livingstone said the bombings had presented the Metropolitan Police with their "most difficult challenge" and the approach taken by its commissioner, Sir Ian Blair, was the only way to defeat terrorism.

"The speculation and leaks taking place in the media are not the best way to deal with such a serious matter as the shooting at Stockwell Tube station," Mr Livingstone added.

"Everyone involved in this terrible tragedy is entitled to get their information from the IPCC at the proper time in the proper way, not through selective leaks and media speculation."

The brother and cousins of Mr de Menezes were due to travel from Brazil to the UK in the next few days, said another family lawyer, Harriet Wistrich.

She added that attempts were also being made to fly the victim's parents to Britain.

Post
#131076
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/131076/action/topic#131076
Time
An old classic...


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:-

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!!!"
Post
#128109
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/128109/action/topic#128109
Time
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said, "I don't
care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't undertand. I've had Sex
since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog
ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking
around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I
should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday...

Post
#127447
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/127447/action/topic#127447
Time
The Italian Tomato Garden...


An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able

to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love ,

Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning,

Special Agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie