CaptainFaraday

Yeah, it’s… something, alright.

And thank you!

A few things I felt compelled to share from the original text as I go:

A young woman about Rey’s age was riding toward them, atop a creature that looked like a fathier with tusks except large-boned and with a more generous coat of fur.

So… nothing like a fathier, then.

The woman had dark skin like Finn’s,

That feels… weirdly mildly racist? Like, why does her skin specifically need to be arbitrarily compared to Finn’s, just because they’re the only two black characters (other than Lando)? The text would never say “Beaumont had caucasian skin like Rey’s” or something, it just feels weird.

Anyway, here’s an insert scene I added on Kef Bir:

“The Wayfinder’s in the Imperial Vaults,” Finn said, as if saying the words would help him believe it. “In the Death Star.”
“I hate to be practical,” Poe said, “but it’s gonna take us years to find it.”
They stared at the horizon for a moment. Poe was right. How do you search something the size of a moon? Where do you even start?
Rey was willing to bet that the whispers would lead her straight to the room the Wayfinder was in, but the thought of letting them in again frightened her. She didn’t like the part of herself that they made her see – a part she wanted to stave off for as long as possible. She looked down at the blade, glinting in the light. The Dagger was ancient, but the inscription was Ochi’s, and he wasn’t a Sith himself. He’d made changes to the Dagger to reflect his knowledge. There must be a way of using it without the Force.
She blinked, remembering. From the southern shore, C-3PO had said.
“Only this blade tells,” she muttered aloud.
She squinted against the sea spray, looking along the treacherous shoreline extending in either direction. Nothing but rocks and tufts of coarse grass –
And then the whispers rose like the wind in her ears as she spotted it. A small dais, nestled among some rocks.
The group made their way down towards it. Concentric circles of orange and white rock, dulled by decades of wind and spray, had been set into a natural platform of black obsidian, its sheared surface smooth and glistening where moss and sea grass hadn’t grown across it. A piece of grey metal rose to head height from the centre, oddly shaped and jagged, and looking bizarrely out of place. As they approached, Rey felt the whispers grow excited.
Poe kicked the bottom of the giant metal shard appraisingly.
“It’s a chunk of Death Star debris,” he said. “It must’ve got stuck in this rock.”
BB-8 beeped curiously.
Rey furrowed her brow, staring at the piece of metal. The top of the piece of metal. Its shape was oddly familiar, but not from a vision.
Then understanding flashed across her face. Hardly daring to hope, she ripped the Sith Dagger from her satchel and lined it up with the top of the piece of wreckage. The underside of the irregularly shaped blade matched up perfectly. She slotted it into place, and it held fast with friction, fitting together like two halves of a whole.
She angled her head slightly, staring past the Sith Dagger at the horizon, as Finn and Poe watched. She let out a sharp intake of breath.
The jagged shape of the top of the blade now lined up exactly with the outline of the Death Star.
Poe leaned forward.
Rey peered closer. The Dagger’s crossguard was hinged. She gently swung the crossguard down until it clicked into place –
– And pointed out a very specific section of ruin, southwest of the superlaser lens: a star-shaped structure, nestled in a crook of the jutting wreckage.
“The Wayfinder’s there,” Rey declared.
The whispers hissed in anger and disappointment.

Burbin said:

I think the way I’d look at it is that the dagger would talk to those it chooses for their “darkened heart”, hence why it whispers to Rey on the cave, but you’d have to channel you inner darkness (“Embrace your anger, let your hate take part”) for it to actually guide you to the Wayfinder.

We’re basically reworking what the movie has (Rey reacting to something when she picks up the dagger). So on Pasaana she would pick up the dagger and hear some strange whispers no one else hears, she doesn’t know what it means and neither do we. Then on Kijimi both we and her would be like “oh the blade whispers, and only to those it chooses”, and also “oh the blade reveals the location of the Wayfinder!”. Then on Kylo’s quarters she hears them again, and I agree this time they should be louder when she picks it up, this time she’s trying to listen.

I don’t know which approach will work best here, it must be clear that Rey learned the location of the Wayfinder, so the simpler solution would be to show it: a shot of the Wayfinder floating inside the Death Star, a shot of the wreckage, the sound of waves. I said previously this could be used as an opportunity to expand things further, but I’m afraid the message could get muddled if we move to Kylo or Dark Rey, but I agree it’d be worth playing around with it. Whichever is the case I agree it would be good to have whispers say “Endor” and “Death Star” to further explain how she knows where to go.

I don’t think we should show the Death Star wreckage in a vision; first seeing it for real should remain a big moment of awe, in my opinion. But seeing a flash of the Wayfinder room and waves is a great idea - I was opposed to option B, but (minus the Death Star wreckage) you’ve sold me on it.

Also,

You seem to know your stuff better than me CaptainFaraday, so I’ll take your word and say that’s it!

everyone on this forum is so lovely to me

Also, following on from Burbin and RogueLeader’s excellent work, here’s my reworking to maintain the ABAB rhyme scheme and iambic pentameter Burbin’s inscription implied:

It whispers only to a darkened heart
Revealing where the Sith Wayfinder dwells
Embrace your anger, let your hate take part
To those it chooses, only this blade tells.

I like the iambic pentameter, because Shakespeare used it to denote either speeches of key importance and/or members of the nobility speaking, which is definitely how I imagine the Sith would see themselves.

I like C the best, because it sticks with the established rules for the dagger, and avoids yet another vision as a device to move the story along.

This is really nice work! I’m glad my chapter was helpful to structure it; I feel like the text of that chapter is my weakest chapter, and I’m going to go back and revise it at some point. I really like your additions. The turnabout of the “it doesn’t scare me enough then” line is inspired.

A couple of minor observations:

• “But nothing was all she heard” is a weird sentence construction. That’s kind of my fault since it comes from my own rewrite, but it was a follow up to the previous sentence there, and the emphasis had to fall in a certain way as a result. Since that sentence isn’t in your version, there’s probably a better way to structure the sentence for your purposes.
• I really like your description of the crackling saber. In my opinion, though, you shouldn’t compare it directly to Kylo’s - I think the subtext is clear enough without explaining it, and it’s a nice “show don’t tell” way of indicating her rising darkness.

This was such a messy and aimless chapter in the original, and your version is very engaging and streamlined.

Burbin said:

CaptainFaraday said:

Here’s what RogueLeader and I have got for Sith-3PO’s translation of the dagger:

We whisper to a darkened heart
Unveil the way with secret art
For faithful Sith whose hatred swells
Wayfinder, only this blade tells

I think the first line is a perfect opening line, anyone paying attention would immediatley connect it to the whispers Rey heard in the cave. However maybe it could be “we only whisper to a darkened heart” to really drive that point home.

I also think the inscription should say ‘Wayfinder’ somewhere, it not only makes things simpler to follow, but it also would warrant 3PO’s reaction to finding the blade, he knows for sure “it’s the clue Master Luke was looking for”, a clue to find the Wayfinder. Though now it doesn’t say exactly where it is, it shouldn’t be too cryptic.

Lando specifically says that Ochi “was carrying a clue that could lead to a Wayfinder”, so I think the dagger should be tied to the Wayfinder. As long as it doesn’t mention Endor and there’s no thingy that lines up with the DSII wreckage it could still be seen as an old Sith artifact. Both the dagger and the Wayfinders could be ancient, or at least far older than 30 some years. Lando says only two were made, but doesn’t say when, perhaps they’ve been carried down through Sith generations, wich would tie to the rule of two and the fact Vader had one and Sidious the other.

Well, the Wayfinder is mentioned by name in the final line. Originally, the third line described Kef Bir (“Beneath the depths of misty fells”), but we decided to change it because the dagger is supposed to point the way to the Wayfinder regardless of where it is, so having a description of its current physical location inscribed on the blade would contradict that.

Cinefy said:

Started compositing Vader Castle shot for my personnel version today, just tweaking the lighting and mist levels to match the film right, I’ll probably leave a download link somewhere on here when It’s finished if anyone on here still wants it.

WIP: https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/msh6oBBAoHku6nWnYjVdLkownes-kgRKgJNeO2otDWw/https/media.discordapp.net/attachments/501825149469851659/828019953726128138/Screenshot_2021-04-03_at_22.33.48.png

Looking good so far!

To better explain how Ochi’s dagger works, replace the ambiguous sith whispers with this audio.

Thank you all for the kind words! I’ll try tomorrow to do a take where I emulate the existing voice. I deliberately didn’t go back and listen to it before doing this; I did a C-3PO impression and then tried to drop it down into an evil version.

@Jarbear, that reminds me of Jack Sparrow’s compass in Pirates of the Caribbean, which is a neat idea. I like the idea of a blade literally “pointing” the way.

Here’s a recording of the poem. I’ll rerecord it at some point if there’s a demand; I’m not 100% happy with it, but I’m out of time for tonight. But it gives you the idea of what I’m thinking. No, actually, I’m going to rerecord it in a moment.

Edit: Here’s a recording I’m happy with.

EddieDean said:

someBODY once told me
that you just gotta hold me
but I am not a knife made for cutting

at the second deathstar’s grave
where the land meets crashing waves
I will point to a further macguffin

Okay, I’ve got another one:

There once was a Jedi named Rey
Who needed help finding 'er way
Give yourself to the Sith
And the whispers we give
Will say where it is right away

For real, though, I’m provisionally of the opinion that it would work fine as long as the visuals support it - tracking in on Rey during “darkened heart,” for example, that kind of filmic language. But the proof (or disproof) of that would be in the end result. I’ll record something and let people play around with it if they want to, and we’ll know pretty quickly if it’s going to be tenable or not.

At the same time, we could try and collectively come up with something that retains a poetic/ancient tone to it but conveys the information in a literal way - the writing style of The Epic of Gilgamesh could work as inspiration, for example, as it includes a lot of verses like that.

sade1212 said:

So does it rhyme in Sith? And Threepio had to carefully come up with a English Basic translation that preserves the rhyme? Or does it not rhyme in Sith, but is designed in such a way that is does rhyme when translated accurately to Basic? Is there no indication of rhyming whatsoever in the original Sith, and Threepio just added that to make it sound spookier?

Seriously though, I love this dagger idea (RogueLeader for Lucasfilm CEO when??¿¿¿?) and that’s a great way of implementing it, if you can manage to deliver it convincingly.

He made up the stuff about not being allowed to translate it to give himself more time to come up a translation that rhymed.

It wouldn’t be too hard to change any male pronouns, either - just find a /sh/ phoneme for each character needed, and blend it onto the start of “he.”

The real trick would be finding a really good actress to dub it all over.

Here’s what RogueLeader and I have got for Sith-3PO’s translation of the dagger:

We whisper to a darkened heart
Unveil the way with secret art
For faithful Sith whose hatred swells
Wayfinder, only this blade tells

The poetic form hopefully gives it a sense of ancientness and mysticism, while the information conveyed still explains to viewers how the dagger works.

The first line establishes the whispers, and that Rey will need to embrace the Dark Side to hear them. The second line explains what the whispers will tell her - they show the way forwards. The third line repeats and reinforces the core takeaway we want the audience to remember - the dagger requires Rey to use the Dark Side. But it also adds to that idea, giving a more specific instruction to her than vague “darkness” again - she has to use the hatred and anger that plagues her, which ties more closely into how the remainder of the story actually plays out. (I’m especially fond of how this line directly references the Emperor’s speech to Luke in ROTJ, where he literally says Luke’s hatred is swelling when he goads him to give into his anger and the Dark Side.) And finally, we had to have the line Rey repeats later in there, explaining that the blade specifically points to the Wayfinder.

I’ll do a test recording as 3PO tonight if I can; I’ll need someone else to add the audio effects he speaks with, though.

Jar Jar Bricks said:

While I’m not sure there are enough Leia lines in the TFA LEGO game for that, I’m sure there will be a lot for both Holdo and her in the upcoming Skywalker Saga LEGO game.

I could check it out though. What exactly did you have in mind for her to say?

Just something about there possibly being a spy on board. The specifics would depend on what audio we can get.

Anakin Starkiller said:

Dub Snoke with the voice of an old woman to further distinguish him her from Palpatine. They actually considered making Snoke a woman when making TFA. Does anyone ever refer to Snoke with male pronouns? Those would have to be fixed.

Imagine Helen Mirren as Snoke. That would have been great.

SparkySywer said:

Replace all of John Williams’s music with a low-pitched droning sound

David Lynch’s Star Wars

Chase Adams said:

Finn:
“The Endor system? Where the last war seemingly ended but actually didn’t?”

Use clips from TFA and TLJ to make this:

Finn: The Endor system? Where the last war ended?
Rey: No, Jakku.
Finn: Why does everybody want to go back to Jakku!

Replace John Williams’ music from all nine movies with Wagner’s Ring Cycle.

Wait, I’d actually watch that.

Still belongs in this thread though.

Jar Jar Bricks said:

Good to hear! I hope the modifications I’ve made since your first read are good enough. Hopefully they aren’t too different from how you would have patched it up.

Yep, I think it all reads well.

I don’t remember actually seeing Rey in the throne in the theatrical cut - is that footage from somewhere else?

My only real suggestion is to make the clips of the First Order’s defeat more brief - the star destroyer crashing is quite a long shot, and I think it works better for quick flashes in the vision.

I really like this opening chapter, especially your explanation of essence transfer and how it factors into the motivations of Palpatine and Kylo.

I feel like our guiding philosophies are so different from each other that we’re going to produce two extremely different versions of the text, which is really interesting. I’m excited to read more!

That’s a good point, yeah.

Wait, does he really say “‘Battle of Chiron Belt’ Admiral Holdo”? I always thought it was “‘Battle of Chiron’-built Admiral Holdo,” referencing the battle that got her the position of Vice-Admiral.

Is this how it felt to be one of the people who thought Rey asked Kylo to put on a towel??

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, but it might not be worth it if it’s only two syllables’ worth.

Could he be subtitled, or just dubbed over? (I don’t have a way to watch the scene right now.)