OMIT this entire scene (please!).
The only problem I can see with that is the fact that we don't know that Padme is leaving Jar-Jar behind with her responsibilities. I wa toying with shortening and re-editing this scene.
Padme: I do not like this idea of hiding.
Anakin: Well, I don't like this idea of leaving behind Jar-Jar to make political decisions. I know that idiot better than you do, Padme.
Padme: He's grown up. And so have you, Anakin.
I've kind of written myself into a corner, though. That whole thing may indeed go.
REPLACE it with the shots of Anakin asleep in a bed having a nightmare about his mother. This is the perfect place to reinforce Anakin's primary problem: his dreams.
That is definitely a perfect place to put it. But it could still work even if I used the other scene. The nightmare would end, and then wipe to Anakin staring out the window at the next scene.
Anakin/Padme romance scenes: I have made detailed plans as far as this goes. Here's what I've planned so far:
-Anakin/Padme talk on the way out of ship.
-Dinner scene. Edited so that scene ends with, "Yes. I'm afraid she is."
- Grassy picnic scene has been completely reworked. Starts with short montage of mountains while full-blown love theme plays (a la beginning of "Sound of Music". Fade to them rolling around on grass. Then, hard cut to heavily edited picnic scene. Boyfriend chat is removed. Scene ends with Anakin saying, "Well...if it works..." Clockwipe so as to reveal his smile at the last minute, similar to many of the Palpatine scenes.
-Heavily, radically edited version of the "first kiss" scene is in the edit. First of all, it's now a moonlit scene; not daytime. Secondly, Anakin isn't talking about sand; he's telling Padme, "I love you." It made more sense to have the kiss as the culmination of everything that had come before it.
See page 2 of this thread for screenshots of the rough cut.
Finally, on Naboo, the last scene to tinker with is Anakin deciding to leave. First, as the sunset begins the scene, we should be hearing a woman SCREAM and Tuskan Raider GRUNTS, Shmi saying "Anni!" and some man yelling "ANAKIN!" (That last bit from the voices that Yoda hears as Anakin kills the sand people later). This montage of sound should play until Padme comes out onto the porch with Anakin. Her voice should almost seem to make the yelling stop -- mirroring what Anakin says: "your presence calms me." Then, use editing to extend the last Padme beat -- let things soak in for her a little longer (using the close ups) before she says "I'll go with you." Then cut out before Anakin says anything else.
Great idea! I'll follow that by the letter.
The shots of Padme and Anakin traveling together by cart are awkward and unnecessary. Cut from the master of the ship landing to a one-shot of Wato as Anakin says his first line to the pathetic little creature. Then cut to the master with Anakin, Padme and Wato and play out the scene. A Jedi finds his man immediately -- we don't need to see the "shoe leather" of how he got there.
Precisely! That's a definite go. I really couldn't take the cart or the dumb droids.
Cut the lines when Anakin tells the dying Shmi, "Stay with me mom, everything's going to be fine" -- just let him hold her helplessly as she dies saying "I love..." and lays her head back. OMIT the wide shot where he closes her eyes and stay with the close ups -- first Anni, then repeat one of Shmi dead, then Anni's final glaring flash of anger before cutting outside. This reduces the awkwardness of this scene greatly.
Definitely. It will be done.
OMIT the awful eulogy. Bring up the music. After the sweeping master shot, cut to Anakin falling to his knees (omit his stepping forward). Then cut away to Padme before he reaches down awkwardly for a handful of dirt. Then come back to him for the lines "I promise I won't fail you again... I miss you so much." After adjusting the preceding Padme/Anakin scene (discussed upthread), this promise made over Shmi's grave will finally work -- meaning that he's trying to vow not to be a bad Jedi anymore. He's telling his mom what he wouldn't tell Padme -- he regrets killing all those sandpeople.
Yes! What I've also done with this scene is cropped the frames with a full view of Clieg so as to omit the hovering aspect of his wheelchair. Looks awkward.
As Obi-Wan's message finishes on Padme's ship and in the Jedi council, OMIT the Windu line "stay where you are," so Anakin and Padme do not disobey a direct order. As Obi-Wan's message ends, we see Padme watching, she looks to Anakin... CUT TO: Yoda's lines, then Mace Windu's lines, then CUT TO: Anakin's close up reaction. Avoid the master shot where Anakin looks too laid back. Then let Padme talk about how close Geonosis is, let Anakin say "if he's still alive..." and CUT TO Padme saying "I'm going to save Obi Wan. If you plan to protect me, you'll have to come along." Intercut the Anakin close-ups where he looks upset to break up her flight-prep action and cut it so his reaction changes from upset to smiling. Then he sits down to fly away...
Good idea about not disobeying Master Windu. As for this conversation, I have re-edited it differently so that Anakin is a stronger character, not being bossed around by Padme. Padme certainly contributes, but it's Anakin that ends up making the bad choice.
Your ideas for the droid factory sound awesome. As that scene ends, I recommend using part of the Dukoo/Padme meeting scene or, at the very least, the trial scene before Padme and Anakin find themselves shackled together in that cart for the...
I'll use the trial scene, with the Geonosian subtitles from the "lost edit" of Ep. II by Rebel Scumb. The dialogue is brilliant.
HEAVILY RE-EDIT this scene and it will work beautifully. First, the music is badly mis-cued in the original edit and secondly the dialogue is horrible. But the scene and the performances are good -- so try this: They stand together and Anakin reaches out to say "Don't be afraid." Padme replies "I'm not afraid to die." He looks at her. She looks at him with love. He looks at her with confusion, she looks at him with a little tear... closer we move until she says "I love you." He gives her a disbelieving look, but she looks at him with tears in her eyes -- we know she means it (this may require dropping out the dialogue on some shots and cutting so her lip-movement doesn't look like talking). Finally, they move in together to kiss and as they kiss the MUSIC CRESCENDOS! The current edit crescendos after they draw into the arena -- but by that time the important stuff is already over. This will work, the performances are there -- just held back by all that awful talking.
There's some really brilliant stuff in that last post. As Klokwerk said, some of it contradicts what I have planned already, but I will incorporate as much of this as possible. I'd also like to break your post down so as to comment on individual notes.