Hi nightsalkerpoet, apologies that it took me so long to review this. Anyway, I’ll preface this by saying that I definitely enjoyed this much more than the regular Phantom Menace and you’ve done a wonderful job removing the Gunguns. All the sequences removed weren’t missed at all, and it was a generally enjoyable experience.
Now here’s what I have to suggest, and please do forgive me if I go too far in some places. This is what my advice is, feel free to take it or leave it. I mean absolutely no offense. I took notes while watching this, so I suppose I’ll just list them out in order. Prepare for a lengthly review.
Firstly, I think that Obi-Wans’ line about Yoda telling him to be mindful of the future should be cut since Yoda criticizes Luke for doing the exact same thing in ESB. Secondly, I do agree with haraldo23’s suggestions about restructuring the sequence onboard the Trade Federation ship. Cut out the “Is that legal line?” It seems odd, as does the ill-fated captain who says “Shields up,” as I doubt that even shields would protect you at that range. It could work to cut straight from the gas filling the room to they’ve gone up the ventilator shaft. It cuts out some goofiness and makes the Jedi look wiser. If you don’t do this, at least cut out the protocol droid coming out first, it diffuses too much necessary tension.
When on Naboo, can you smooth the audio cut after Jar Jar says “More you say?” It sounds a tad bit rough. Also, there’s a sequence oft-used in fanedits that shows Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan at the steps to Theed Palace; this should be instated to get a better sense of the Jedi traveling and not suddenly appearing before the Queen. When in the hangar, the droid’s “Does not compute” stuff can be cut, too slapstick. You can also cut Jar Jar’s “Hello boy-os” and “How rude!” once in the ship, just two annoying lines.
When on Tattooine, as suggested by haraldo, cut out the murderous sun to skin line as it sounds very awkward and just misplaced. Another visible audio cut appears when you skip Jar Jar stepping on the poop. Is there a way to remedy this? During the Watto sequence, I don’t think it would hurt to cut out some of Jar Jar’s antics, for instance: sticking his tongue out at Qui-Gon, instead you could cut directly to the “Angel” conversation. I think it feasible to cut Jar Jar messing with the droid you hit on the nose as well as him juggling stuff. You could cut straight from Padme’s “This is a strange place to me” to Qui-Gon and Watto talking.
By the way, I liked the captions when Watto, Anakin, and Jabba talk. They look decent and I prefer them over the font used in DVD’s subtitle tracks. It was during the desert sequences that I noticed most the pink tint that plagues the original DVD; would you consider just a minor color correction to lessen pinkness? It’s always noticeable in most fan edits, with two exceptions that I know of. When Anakin brings the group home, I think the transition there looks out of place, almost like an uber-quick fade to black; maybe a wipe like in most Star Wars movies would be better. Also, you could cut some off Jar Jar’s dinner/tongue antics through focusing on Padme more after Shmi says “The republic doesn’t exist out here.” There’s also a hard cut (video and audio) between Qui-Gon having a feeling and the Pod Race; however, I must say, you did skip a lot of scenes, but nothing from them was missed. J
Overall, the Pod Race was excellent. Jabba acts more like a ruler like the Gangster Hutts are supposed to be, and it worked better that way. You might want to add some music to the first two laps of the race, perhaps something from the original trilogy. It always seemed far too quiet to me, a fault of the original movie. You may want to cut out the line “Skywalker’s been forced onto the service ramp,” as it is obvious. Also, Sebulba’s “poo-doo” isn’t really needed.
I know I’m suggesting a lot of cuts to Jar Jar, but if you only take one suggestion to altering him, take this one please: cut out his “Did he crash-ed line?” This, in my opinion, is very insensitive and kills any sympathy the audience may have for Jar Jar. It stuck out to me in the original movie as well. Furthermore, he even says it in front of Anakin’s very worried mother; he just comes across as a mean fellow with this line.
I must say kudos on cutting Maul’s arrival scene; it is a cut that I really enjoyed, which I didn’t expect to. It makes as know only what the protagonists know and this works well; however, for this to take full effect I think you should cut out the scene where the probe droid reports back to him and replace it with the deleted scene of Qui-Gon slicing the droid following him and Anakin. This would give a mystery to the owner of the droid and momentarily increases suspense. Perhaps the Trade Federation has found them and will stop their ship from leaving. Maybe Sidious himself has come to kill them all. It also explains why Anakin and Qui-Gon are running to the ship.
On Coruscant, everything was superb. By cutting out Padme’s scenes except the vital Senate one, you’ve affirmed our main characters of the Jedi and Anakin. Also, it takes out Palpatine’s obvious manipulation. In Coruscant, there are two rough audio cuts: one from showing Palpatine on the landing platform to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan at the Jedi Temple and the other at the end of the Senate sequence. I think that cutting out the “Too old” stuff about Anakin would be prudent, as he seems to be only a child still so it doesn’t make much sense.
Completely leaving Jar Jar on Coruscant was an idea I loved in your first version and that I love now. However, to suggest some time passing between events, I think Star Wars-esque wipes between Qui-Gon telling Anakin to watch him on Coruscant and after the ship lands on Naboo would work well. They would seem more natural that way. As suggested by haraldo, cutting out autopilot would be good, making Anakin a willful and more likeable character.
The final thing I must commend you on is the climax. In the original TPM, the audience was split 4 ways during the end, now with the GunGuns gone, it’s a tighter climax that lets the audience get more involved. This was a fantastic improvement, though if I may be so bold, can I suggest a slight restructuring of the climax, which I personally believe would make things absolutely perfect. I think you should remove Qui-Gon and Darth Maul getting caught in the force field and instead continue the battle so only Obi-Wan gets caught in the field. Then cut to Padme and company getting captured only after Qui-Gon dies and Obi-Wan shouts no. After Padme is captured, you can cut to Anakin being in the Trade Federation hangar bay with the droids ominously approaching and everything overheated. All of this allows it to appear that everything is going to hell and all the characters are utterly screwed. However, after showing Anakin, you can cut to Padme gaining the upper hand and taking the Viceroy captive. Also, replacing her “We will discuss a new treaty” with a new line somewhat like “I am Queen Amidala” would explain in one sentence that “the handmaiden” is the real Queen, resolving the issue of the revelation scene being cut. You can then cut to Anakin blowing up the Trade Federation ship, so Obi-Wan fighting and defeating Maul can be the last thing to get resolved (as one continuous sequence).
All right, so that’s really all I have to say and apologies for the lengthliness. I did enjoy this edit quite a bit and this is just advice. For one of your first fanedits, this is an amazing work nightstalkerpoet. If you do take any of my advice though, please take the last piece about the climax, as I really do think it would work very well. I can even make a rough video if need be to better illustrate what I’m talking about.
EDIT: FYI, this is a huge improvement over V1, and much more technically enjoable.
