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Peter Pan

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30-Dec-2018
Last activity
1-Dec-2022
Posts
376

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Post
#1498535
Topic
Return of the Jedi Fan edit
Time

Maybe replace 3PO’s retelling of the trilogy with him translating for the Ewok chief, who could be telling the story how the Ewok fled from Had Abbadon to Endor.
Obviously it would have to fit with the available footage of the Ewoks and I think you should add some more details to the story, otherwise it might feel too tacked on and fan-edit-y.

Maybe Had Abbadon was the home to ancient Sith and the Jedi helped the Ewok relocate or sth, but I’ll let you figure the details to that story on your own 😉

Post
#1497592
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

EddieDean said:

Firstly, that initial transition. I agree that ideally you’d open on the Jedi going underwater, but this being Star Wars, we really should begin in space. We could follow the ambassador’s ship (now just anyone’s ship) into the Trade Federation ship, but then we should really have some scene on the ship itself, perhaps implying that the two Neimoidians have just arrived to oversee the situation. The invasion trigger shouldn’t happen until after the Gungan negotiations, but there is one scene of the two Neimoidians walking (away from the monitor) which might be usable with a zoomed shot and some alternate lines.

Secondly, context. Whatever the first scene with the Jedi is, it needs to carry some of the exposition we’d otherwise cut, setting them up as negotiators and mystics. I’ve had a bit of a play with this on top of Peter Pan’s ideas but haven’t finalised my thoughts yet, and you can’t do too much voice work without it becoming “fan-edity”. And while we don’t need the underwater fish stuff, some of the dialogue on the bongo can be a bit useful in emphasising what the Force is (“The force will guide us”, “maxi big the force.”)

Maybe use the original opening shot with the ambassadors ship going past the blockade and use the „I have a bad feeling about this“ scene, but replace the lines about the negotiations with the Federation with some remark about them already filling their supplies with war machinery. Ideally I‘d like to characterize the Federation as vultures that observe the situation from above, waiting for their turn to cannibalize upon the situation, but I can’t think of a good line that works in this context.

EddieDean said:

It’d also be nice to have them account for the failiure of the negotiations - probably using the line “Well you were right about one thing master; the negotiations were short.” But again you’re wrestling with voice lines there.

Maybe we could add the bongo speeding away from otoh gunga? Shouldn’t be too hard to find a shot of Obi-Wan talking in the bongo that fits his mouth movement closely enough for an edit.

Post
#1497518
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

NotTheDri0ds said:

Peter Pan said:
The idea behind the bongo in the first shot was actually to substitute the classic opening shot as it looks like space ship anyway. That‘s also why I’m fading between the starfield moving up and the underwater scenery, the idea was to make the upwards moving stars look like bubbles. Maybe I have to extend the shot before the bongo appears and add some real air bubbles.

Ah, I see. Honestly I’d like to see that idea more fleshed out. The disappearing Bongo’s still a bit of an issue though.

I think I’ve got an idea how to fix this. The solution has huge teeth… ;D

Post
#1497490
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

NotTheDri0ds said:

My suggestion is something like:

There is a Great Disturbance in the Force! For centuries, the peaceful people of Naboo and the neighboring warrior race of the GUNGANS have lived in a shaky state of peace. However now tension threatens to engulf the planet in CIVIL WAR, causing QUEEN AMIDALA to plead to the Senate for some sort of solution to this conflict.

Hindered by war profiteers and those that see instability as an opportunity alike, Supreme Chancellor Valorum has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, chivalrous warriors and ancient scholars of the Force, to aid the young Queen of Naboo in his stead.

Unknown to all, a dark force lingers within the shadows, waiting for the opportunity to strike, as Jedi Master QUI-GON JINN and his young apprentice OBI-WAN KENOBI make their way to the Gungan underwater city to settle the conflict between the two races…

(Note: Could probably use some condensing, but sorta trying to get the general ideas across. Keeping your proposed middle paragraph.)

Maybe a tad bit to long but might be a good start. The line about „those that see instability as an opportunity“ is especially one I’d like to keep as it the exact wording palpatine uses in ROTS to manipulate Anakin.

Post
#1497489
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

NotTheDri0ds said:

Sorta agree. The base idea of the Jedi initially being sent to settle the feud between the Gungans and Naboo is an interesting idea, and could help tie together their cooperation at the end a lot better… but the Federation should be an established presence too.

Some suggestions:

The crawl needs a few more drafts imo. Alongside setting the Federation up as taking the Naboo v Gungan Crisis as an opportunity, it needs a few more drafts for the grammar and the like.

One thing that’d need new VFX is a proper pandown of the planet. Perhaps it can show the blockade arriving from hyperspace or something (if I had a good model of the donut ships, I could probably mock something up), before transitioning to the scene of the Jedi swimming to the Gungan city (removing that first shot of the Bongo, since I feel it was more confusing than anything else).

Better yet, said shot of the Federation arriving could be before the scene in the Queen’s throne room, suddenly throwing a wrench into the equation, while simultaneously properly setting the Federation up instead of them just kinda… appearing.

Some personal things: I’d remove the line from Panaka about the Federation needing Padme to sign a treaty, I think the bearded guy’s “They wouldn’t dare!” is enough, and Panaka’s line is pretty clunky. I’d also cut down the whole “Where are you taking them?” “To Coruscant” part.

Otherwise, this has gotta be my favorite of the proposed alternate openings. Definitely a creative idea.

Also gotta say, I love the addition of the Vulture Droids soaring overhead tipping the Jedi off about the invasion. I genuinely had to go back to see if they were in the original film or not.

Sorry about the grammar, I have a habit of throwing in commas at random, regardless of what language I’m typing.

In regards to the establishing shot of the invasion army, I‘d be glad if someone could help me with that.

The idea behind the bongo in the first shot was actually to substitute the classic opening shot as it looks like space ship anyway. That‘s also why I’m fading between the starfield moving up and the underwater scenery, the idea was to make the upwards moving stars look like bubbles. Maybe I have to extend the shot before the bongo appears and add some real air bubbles.
Also I could rotoscope the bongo passing above Jar Jar and the Jedi towards the city, if that helps.

Leaving the opening as it is and removing the federation ships blockading the planet might be another option to open the movie and a more star-warsy one add that, but I’m really not keen on the roto work.
And I simply like the underwater opening better as it is essentially the Star Wars formula, but with a small twist.

I really like your suggestions for the hangar scenes and will definitely play Amarion’s with them.

Regarding the vulture droids fly by, I originally wanted to include a short reaction from Jar Jar, but I couldn’t find anything that worked.

Post
#1497480
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

Maybe like this:

Crisis on Naboo! Mounting tension between her people and her he tribal Gungan pushed QUEEN AMIDALA, sovereign of the Naboo, to plead the Galactic Senate to intevene.

Hindered by war profiteers and those that see instability as an opportunity alike, chancellor Valorum secretly dispatched two Jedi, chivalrous warriors and ancient scholars of the force, to aid her in his stead.

As the TRADE FEDERATION readily gears their supply with war machinery, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi sped to the evergreen planet of Naboo to negotiate the tides and settle the conflict…

It mentions the Trade federation by name and hopefully indicates what will happen without being to concrete.

Post
#1497461
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

I spend the last week finishing my attempt at an fast paced Opening for TPM.
Key plot points are:

-new status quo at the beginning of the movie: The Trade Federation isn’t even in the picture yet, the main conflict is the tension between the Gungan (Warriors) and the Naboo (Pacifist)*

-the Jedi are send to diffuse the situation

-The Trade Federation exploit the instability and invades the planet

-The Jedi save the queen and speed away

But see for yourself:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CiqeDqziCzEtLhAEtYz6QHoP6qq3Z_Ex/view?usp=sharing

P.S.: * I think this set-up highlights on of the core dilemmas shaping the Jedi identity quite nicely, on the one hand they’re peaceful monks and on the other they practice cutting off peoples extremities or bisecting them.

EDIT: Almost forgot to mention that there are some quiet cracks with the audio (mainly during the Throne room scene), sorry for that, its a problem with my source, that I only discovered after it was basically finished.

Post
#1483065
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

EddieDean said:

If the Jedi begin on their mission to broker peace between Gungans and Naboo, then Jar Jar could simply be their go-between/guide/facilitator. (He could even be their Representative, which has supporting voice lines.) You also don’t necessarily need to have them leave in the bongo - after the Otoh Gunga scenes you could potentially cut to the second half of the scene where they originally meet Jar Jar, where the Jedi and Jar Jar talk more (ending with, for example, my ‘we must hurry’, eventually cutting back to them appearing in Theed having travelled there offscreen.)

I think I’ve got an idea for a good opening that does exactly that. Something like this:
-Crawl
-Jedi traveling to Otoh-Gunga
-Politicians in Theed, comunication disruption
-Trade Federation arrives above Naboo and start an invasion immediately
-Qui-Gon and company are surprised by battle droids while on their way to theed

I think I’ll have a rough cut ready next week.

Post
#1482791
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

EddieDean said:

I just watched over the original TPM opening and goddamn it just plods and plods. It saps all of your energy away. The Neimoidian ship stuff is fairly poor, but the Otoh Gunga content in particular just stops the story in its tracks.

I’m certain that Otoh Gunga has to go. And that’s feasibly fixable via Jar Jar dialogue.

What’s lost in doing that though, is the context about the Gungans and Naboo land-dwellers not getting along, so you lose some of the context that’s paid off later when Boss Nass reappears and is won over by Padmé.

I was thinking about this a little more, and wondering what could be done. Potentially, we could allude to it a little plus explain the Jedi starting in the swamp if they’re on the planet (and near the swamps) to broker peace between the Gungans and Naboo. This would demonstrate their role as diplomats, and be a plotline that’s paid off later.

Challenge there would be that you could only carry that information in the crawl.

Which then got me thinking - what if the entire movie is framed as the story of Naboo? In many ways it is - it begins and ends there, and the Tattooine and Coruscant sections are about Padmé trying (albeit failing) to get help back to the planet.

If the entire story was centered on Naboo, that’d be quite easy to grasp - the jeopardy is to the citizens, and our main characters are ultimately working towards saving it from the Trade Federation (and shadowy benefactor). The audience would need less politics up front, but through the lens of Naboo the plot would slowly (in this movie and beyond) expand to a more galactic scope - which I think is fitting for the movie which comes chronologically first.

Perhaps then the crawl could be almost entirely Naboo focused, something like:

The planet Naboo is in danger.
The Jedi Order, mystical wielders
of THE FORCE and defenders of the
Galactic Republic, have foreseen
a crisis.

As tensions mount, Jedi Knight
Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice
have been dispatched to the
planet’s swamps in an attempt
to broker peace between the
people of Naboo and the native
Gungans.

As Naboo’s Queen Amidala, champion
of the people, waits, the greedy
TRADE FEDERATION have massed a
deadly fleet around the remote
world, the Republic’s Supreme
Chancellor has sent a small team
of ambassadors to defuse the
situation…

This could fit nicely with the treaty that legitimates the Neimodian occupation of Naboo. The Neimodian would basically frame their invasion as a security force. That would surely strengthen them as villains, because Putin is employing the same narrative right now, but I’m not sure how I feel about this connection.

On to another, less depressing note, I actually had a rather similar idea for a 3 in 1 edit a while ago, that puts the opening of AOTC first. The Federation jumps at the opportunity and blame the Gungan for the assassination, ally themself with the Naboo and blockade the planet, only to occupy it. In the mean time Palpatine has steped in as the new Senator of Naboo and the Jedi are send to force a diplomatic solution.

Post
#1482654
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

I liked it, especially Jar Jar’s new lines, thats a massive improvement. The only thing I would add is a line like this after the ambassadors ship exploded: “Sir, two escape pods have been launched right before landing.” This would explain how the Jedi were separated in the forrest, add a bit of tension, because we know the Jedi will show up any minute and connect the opening scene to the following Zoom-meeting with the Queen. It would also amplify the impact of the explosion, if we have a character reacting to it.

Post
#1482023
Topic
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace
Time

You’d have to change the Neimodians holo transmission after the invasion force landed. It doesn’t make sense for them to search their ship for the Jedi, if they landed on Naboo directly.

However now that I saw this, I had an idea. What if we show how the Jedi pass the blockade, without the Neimodians taking notice? I’m imagining something like this:

-Crawl
-Sidious hologram
-Obi and Qui-Gon are briefed by pseudo 3PO
-Gunray contacts the Jedi’s ship, they’re asked to land onboard
-Wide Shot of the Jedi’s ship approaching the droid control ship, add in a tiny escape pod flying away
-we follow the pod and see the droid invasion fleet lowering to the surface
-from here on we’re back on track with the original plot

This would bridge the Jedi and the invasion plot and mirror the opening of ANH nicely.
All we would need is a model of an escape pod.

Post
#1481516
Topic
AOTC: JEDI NO MORE (finished)
Time

Thanks for the reply, I agree with a lot of what you said.
For example the point about the rough transition between the arena and all the coruscant stuff that happens immediately after that. I have been thinking about adding a scene like this in between: https://youtu.be/a9MtRYmqkRc

Obviously with some different dialogue about the arena battle, but I don’t really see myself returning to this project any time soon, because I’ve got a lot going in n at the moment.

About the whole Anakin/Padme stuff and the republic not having an army/trying to negotiate with the separatists, I’m afraid that I didn’t manage to get my ideas across. The Gunships in the beginning are supposed to belong to the jedi.(I cut out most of the clones, however there are still some in the background)
I see that the Republic is still pushing for a diplomatic solution after Geonosis seems stupid, but it’s the only thing I can do with the footage. I’m reading it as the republic desperately trying to settle a diplomatic spoliation as there is no other way for them left, while the separatist happily negotiate with the republic while completing their army. That is also the reason why the Jedi don’t openly blame Dooku for the assassination attempts. Not because they are not convinced that it’s him who is responsible, but because they have to have to be damn sure of the consequences if they publicly blame the separatist, that’s why they spent so much energy on the investigation.

However I see that this is a stretch. Maybe I’d have to drop the last beat in the arena sequence where the gunships arrive and have them show up simultaneously with the Jedi, this might level out the power imbalance between the Republic and the separatist, because we wouldn’t get to see most of the Jedi being decimated.

Now to Anakin/Padme: My main problem with their romance as it is portrayed in the original is that it feels so forced that they fall for each other, so I skipped all the questions whether they love each other or not (because nobody thinks the do) and build up the forbidden nature of their relationship to be the single conflict that their subplot is about. Sort of like Moulin Rouge, the plot is not about them falling in love, but rather what challenges their love can endure.

Post
#1479608
Topic
Community Focus Thread 2: Return of the Jedi
Time

You could also add a throwaway line to the Vader Boba scene that indicates that Jabba might get in the way of their plan. Now that I think about it, this might work better if we enter the scene mid conversation, something like this:

Vader walks off, cut to the Slave 1 approaching Jabba’s palace

Cut to a schematic diagram off the Sarlacc, we hear Boba:
“…I can guarantee that, Jabba rules with fear.”

Cut to Vader in his chamber talking to Fett via a monitor:
“I want him alive”

Boba: “He’s a Jedi, He’ll survive”

Vader: “A fierce plan, bounty hunter, but I hope you do not underestimate Jabba’s temper.”

Boba: “So I have your approval to proceed?”

Vader: “Don’t disappoint me.”

Slave 1 lands near Jabba’s palace