NeverarGreat

I actually really like Version B because of the model look, and all it needs to match the aesthetic of these movies is some atmospheric distortion and an engine glow which is larger and more blue.

But either one is really good, though there’s something about Snooker’s original concept shot that I really like:

https://streamable.com/2c6vox

It’s that little slowdown of the Falcon as it reorients itself to go to Hyperspace, along with the punchy Hyperspace sound placed just so in the space between musical notes and the speed of its acceleration. It just feels right to me, though I do like your take on the path.

I wonder if it would be cool to see the Falcon flying directly toward the yellow sun as if it were going to fly into it, but then turn at the last moment and jump into Hyperspace.

RogueLeader said:

It was really fun overall! My thoughts will probably be very sporadic so bear with me. Also, my memory off all the plot points is a little foggy since I read it sporadically as you posted, so I definitely have forgotten things. Also, I definitely missed things too, like I totally missed that BB-8 “died” at first.

BB-8’s death was a last-minute idea I had when considering ANH and the trench run and realizing that no droid in the saga has ever specifically given its life for our heroes, at least to my knowledge. So it’s understandable based on the complete lack of buildup for that sacrifice. In the final version I’d definitely have some dialogue between BB-8 and Threepio about the Jedi ideals, and during the first Star Destroyer infiltration have dialogue about how BB-8 could navigate these hallways blind, that sort of thing.

You definitely came up with ideas I never really considered, like Maz leading a gang of pirates, the medieval-style planet, Hux fencing with a lightsaber and actually being good, everyone using the Force at the end. I think that works as nice counter to Thrawn basically wanting to destroy it.

Thanks! I had the collective Force idea right from the beginning and based the story off of that moment, but all of the other ideas came about through the writing process and my trying to push these characters into the most interesting versions of themselves, whether or not it actually succeeded.

I will say one thing I wasn’t expecting was your depiction of the Knights of Ren. I imagined them as entirely different characters than the one’s we glimpsed in TFA. In TFA they seem dark, rugged, and dangerous. Whereas the Knights in Shattered Sword feel like the valiant Knights of the Round Table. I do think the hellscape idea would be interesting.

Yeah, hindsight is 2020 on that one and I’ll definitely go in a different direction in the future.

One thing I liked was that every character had a moment, even background characters like Connix or the Resistance Doctor.

Exploring those side characters was really a lot of fun since they don’t need huge arcs, but once the battle required all hands on deck as it were, it forced them into battle situations where they could have interesting reactions. It was a happy accident for sure.

I think one thing I would do differently if I were rewriting Episode IX, would be to have a lot of conflict and tension between Kylo and the Resistance crew from the beginning, and have that relationship grow until they’re friends by the final act. I feel like after Kylo makes Finn the commander of the army towards the beginning of the story, a lot of that potential conflict within the group goes away.

Definitely. That’s actually one of the reasons I’m considering the Carbon Freeze aspect. In the first draft we have Kylo essentially die and go to the Netherworld in the first act, and this forces an abrupt 180 for the character. Another reason this 180 is required is because it’s the only good reason to keep him from returning to the First Order to seek revenge or reclaim his throne. So for the final draft, the Carbon Freeze forces his body out of the action while his spirit can continue to influence the plot through Rey. This also helps put her back in the spotlight where Kylo stole it when the fleet is training. I imagine that Kylo is speaking through Rey about how to best prepare for Thrawn but the crew doesn’t trust him, and by extension they start to mistrust Rey. She now has everything on her shoulders and is pulled in all directions at once. She must prepare the Resistance fleet while also seeking out a way to heal Kylo as well as find a way to somehow rebuild Luke’s saber and the Jedi order.

I also think the moment where Rey and Ben contemplate suicide in the dead ship is pretty dark for a Star Wars movie, but I guess we almost got Hux committing seppuku onscreen too. 🤷‍♂️

I went back and forth on that moment for a while, but ended up going for it because it was a rough draft and it’s usually best to be too extreme rather than too timid. But you’re right, and that moment will go if I decide to use the Carbon Freeze plot since Rey will be alone with no impetus to make such a dark choice.

As far what I would like to see happen, you actually hit a lot of the beats I would like to see. I, like many people, like the idea of the final battle taking place on Coruscant. We also get redeemed Ben, Poe as a leader, Finn with other stormtroopers.

Of course there are some things I would do differently. I have certain scenes in my head that I would like to see play out. I definitely think figuring out the climax is a hard thing to do, and I think that is part of the struggle for me. How do create a satisfying antagonist when you make the most compelling villain a good guy in the first or second act?

Indeed. That’s the reason for Thrawn. If I thought that Hux alone could carry the film, or even Hux and the Spirit of the Sith, that would be fine. But Hux is specifically described as being weak, and the Spirit of the Sith is a rather nebulous threat which directly impacts Rey and Kylo only. I suppose Hux could be made to threaten Poe and Finn together while the Sith battle Rey and Kylo, but none of these villains seem to have any interest in battle strategy. I don’t know, maybe Thrawn should go precisely because I like him so much. I just feel like the First Order needs some redeeming quality in terms of its leadership.

I think you do a pretty good job of it in a unique way. I think I followed it pretty well for the most part. I typically get lost in action scenes, but I think I kept up with what was going on for the most part! I do think your second draft ideas are interesting, although I’m skeptical about Kylo being in carbon freeze and seeing how that would play out.

You and me both. I’m hoping to go in a more fantasy/dark fairy tale direction with act 2 when Rey and Kylo are joined in this way and going on this journey to Kylo’s last stronghold.

I do think Rey and Ben need to be close together whenever the climatic moment happens. I think it felt weird to me, that Ben was having this dramatic moment but Rey wasn’t really there with him, even though they are the two main characters. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I can see where that would be an issue. I tried to make it clear that they were communing through the Force at this moment, but especially if they are physically apart for all of act 2 they should be physically together at the end. It will require some more thought.

A part of me is tempted to write out my own rewrite, but seeing how much you wrote, the prospect is slightly intimidating. 😂

I’d love to see your take on it, even if it’s a brief summary. Even if it’s not as visible as a fanedit, it’s definitely been more rewarding, at least for me. 😃

idir_hh said:

Neerb said:

drakesepi0l said:

Has anyone thought about changing the Rey Skywalker line for the one in the behind the scenes documentary? I feel it sounds better, Daisy delivered the line in a much more solemn way, even shed a tear.

Got a link? Or was this on the blu-ray?

I’ll send you a PM.

poppasketti said:

Here’s an update to the final shot:
https://vimeo.com/414985184
pw: fanedit

I made the falcon bigger, engines stronger, adjusted light speed jump direction, and smoothed the path a bit. There’s also a few other small enhancements, such as light wrapping as the falcon crosses the sun at snooker’s suggestion, and applying the general camera shake of the shot to the ship so it’s better integrated!

I also will be posting a version of snooker’s soon. He rendered out the falcon as a separate element for me to comp in, so we will have options!

Huge improvement! I think the turn that the falcon makes before it rises needs a little tune up, otherwise excellent job.

Yeah, for some reason there’s a bit less power in the jump to hyperspace than I was expecting. I don’t know how to describe it other than that.

I don’t have anything constructive to add to the crawl discussion.

ATMachine said:

That’s not a compositing error. That TIE is flying from the foreground into the background, in an opposite directon to the Falcon.

Shouldn’t they still be behind the Falcon though, based on their size? They’re clearly too small to be in front of the Falcon.

Speaking of weird compositing, one detail that I didn’t notice until recently was that some of the ships are composited into that first shot flipped the wrong way. Here’s how they should have looked, based on the lighting:

http://www.framecompare.com/image-compare/screenshotcomparison/7DK7PNNX

You can also see the error of the TIE composited over the Falcon’s antenna dish.

I think the compositing is vague enough here to support any interpretation as to where the lasers are coming from.

I think it’s almost essential that Han no be merely a memory, Force sensitivity be damned. So I’m all for it!

But that would make three of the planets in this movie Sith in nature. Four, if you count the Death Star moon.

Considering this ranking, I find your choice of username and avatar…curious.

Done!

For the future it would be nice to know how many questions there are, since it goes over several pages.

DominicCobb said:

Just add the sand crawler shot beforehand. Should work fine.

Indeed.

Hal 9000 said:

If the Falcon chess scene is moved to the end of the movie, it gives something of a tangle with Klaud.

Either the earlier scene begins with “hey Klaud hows that air conditioner coming,” or with the better starting point of Poe in the cockpit directing things. The shot of the Falcon heading toward the iceberg could be extended to serve as the longer, take a breath establishing shot that the hyperspace shot used to provide. Without that initial intro of Klaud or his continued presence in the lightspeed skipping sequence which I will not feature, he’d be too weird to have just in what’s left. I guess he could still appear at the end as a weird rando for Merry to hug, though.

I mentioned in the other thread how the chess scene could possibly be split in two, keeping a bit of the scene at the beginning and paying off the joke at the end. I think there’s actually several ways to do this, for example you could keep Chewie perusing the board and Poe getting impatient, then the proximity indicator and them turning off the board anyway (cut all talk of him cheating). Then at the end have the accusation of cheating and the argument when the Falcon has already landed on Tatooine.

krausfadr said:

This is the ST so just give Hux boobs.

Buxom Hux

stevepaynter said:

snooker said:

https://streamable.com/cekikp

This edit helps cement the idea that these people are a family now, instead of Rey being completely alone on a desert planet at the end. Her friends are there waiting for her : )

It also helps explain why BB-8 is there, he’s just a curious little friend : )

I like how you can still hear Poe, Finn and Chewie still arguing as Rey leaves the Falcon. This is great…well done.

It is wonderful, though perhaps the sounds of arguing should stop before the wide shot of the Falcon.

For this idea, would you be keeping the very end of this scene in the beginning of the film? You might be able to re-use the shot of Chewie looking intently at the game board, then the sound of the proximity indicator, ‘We won’t turn it off’, and run the rest of the scene from there to establish the ‘cheating’ joke in reverse.

It’s a classic.

Hal 9000 said:

Oh, boy, a truther…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEPazLTGceI

First of all, thanks for reading it all! I’m actually surprised you managed to keep up with my scatterbrained third act 😉

But it’s been great, really rewarding to finish a story and give some real closure to these characters. The work’s not done of course, I want to do a final novel-style version with quite a few changes, but even if this is what I saw onscreen in December I would have been quite happy.

The biggest issue I still have with the story is that Ben’s death and redemption has never felt quite right, especially in light of my later decision to have him be the vessel for the Sith spirit. If he were to die and the Sith with him, the Force should return to balance and the Sith should not return. However, being vanquished in the first act without Rey even knowing about them is a massive miss, so I brought them back in the final act. On a related note, if Ben were to die then Rey should lose her power before she could bring him back.

As you can see, although it’s an interesting and crucial set of scenes they are fraught with complication and contradiction. After a lot of thought I have an idea for fixing them though: The mission of the Resistance is to capture the Supreme Leader and win the war. When this goes wrong, Rey tries to save Kylo after his attempted assassination but she cannot as he is already too weak. She makes the decision to put him into some sort of carbon freeze while she goes to the Knights of Ren to plead for their help in reviving him. The doctors are horrified at this as carbon freeze will keep him suffering as he slowly dies, but Rey knows that if his power dies hers will as well. So it is done. Kylo can still commune with Rey through the Force while his body is in stasis, and over the course of act 2 their power will weaken until he finally ‘dies’ at the end of act 2. It is at this point that he has the reunion with the Force ghosts and the spirit of the Sith flees from his mind.

Rey awakens in a pirate brig, a sinister voice inside her head…

That’s one of the new ideas I’m playing with right now.

Other ideas include turning Gramelon from a primordial fantasy forest into a primordial fantasy hellscape to better match the look of the Knights of Ren in Rey’s TFA Force vision.

Speaking of the Knights of Ren, I plan to have her actually beseech the gathered knights in their castle before the arrival of Hux since the knights are definitely underwritten right now.

The Jedi texts disappear from the story after act 1, so that feels like it should be more important going forward.

Thrawn’s master plan is still not worthy of a military genius, but this is a good time to plan something better, though I don’t know what right now.

There are a good dozen other things but you get the idea 😃 What I’m really interested in knowing is what you think of it in its broad strokes. Is there some big aspect of plot or character that is off base for you? If you were to write an Episode 9, what would you have done? What is the one thing that you would have really liked to see happen in a Star Wars saga episode?

It’s been proven that a station the size of a small moon can’t generate enough heat to melt the crust of an m-class planet.

It’s more of a writing-stage set of ideas than something that could be accomplished in an edit, I think. The whole issue with Rey being tempted by the Dark Side is that there’s no temptation, especially after using dark powers seemed to kill Chewie.

A potential direction would be to lean on the idea that Rey is a feral Force user who can’t distinguish what her power actually comes from. In that case when she confronts Sheev it is the first time her power is being put to the test, so it isn’t if she can defeat him but whether she can do it using only the light side that counts.

Huh, that had never occurred to me, but actually makes sense.

That was a good video.

Across the galaxy, the spark of hope lives on. To quell the growing unrest, the tyrannical First Order deploys its forces to any system threatening rebellion.

In a race against time, the wounded General Leia Organa dispatches her brave agents ever farther across the stars to fan the flames of RESISTANCE.

With his forces spread thin, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has traveled to Mustafar in search of a legendary Imperial fleet which could assure his victory once and for all…

^It’s miserable when that happens. In the early days of the internet I was so hyped for the Hitchhiker’s Guide movie and when it arrived it was quite a disappointment. But at least with these adaptations you still have the original material, with Star Wars there really is no story other than what’s up there on the screen or earlier scripts.

idir_hh said:

Just curious, when finished will you be releasing it in script format?
I read the first act and I enjoyed it very much, I’d rather read it in full when your completely done with it.

Glad you enjoyed what you read!

I’m thinking about the final draft being more of a novel format since there’s no chance of it ever seeing the screen. It will still move at a fast clip but will at least have all the dialogue and maybe some illustrations 😉 There are already so many big changes for this final draft that it will feel entirely different, but hopefully in a very good way.

StarkillerAG said:

krausfadr said:

It’s ok it’s just a movie. You have to stop this wallowing in despair now or forever will it dominate your destiny.

Consume you it will! As it did the people on Twitter and Reddit.

In all seriousness though, I agree. I’m not the biggest fan of the ST, but I’m not depressed and miserable about it like Neverar seems to be.

Depressed and miserable implies investment. I’m invested in this community, which at the moment is talking about TROS so I feel obliged to contribute to the discussion both here and in the fanedit section. I’m invested in the ST as well, these characters and their stories. But for me this is the first Star Wars movie that I can definitively say isn’t part of my personal canon. I always thought such a concept was rather silly until this point, but now I get it. So I apologize if I come across as miserable or biting when talking about TROS, it’s just that I can’t pretend like there’s something secretly good or even interesting that this movie is trying to say. If you find something about it to enjoy I’m genuinely happy for you, but for me there’s just nothing there.

Oddly enough, I’m actually pretty pleased with one aspect of these events because it’s given me an excuse to set aside fanediting and return to writing in order to complete the saga to my satisfaction. The Shattered Sword is the longest complete story I’ve written in years (50 pages) and it’s really a blast. I’m having endless fun working on the final draft as well but that’s in the scriptwriting section of the forum, not the most trafficked area.

So, since I’ve nothing nice to say here I’ll endeavor to say nothing at all on the subject from now on, and just stick to mostly writing quietly in the corner.