NeverarGreat

Ha!

I had considered including that information, but hadn’t found a way to include it without overstuffing the crawl.

Here’s an idea:

The Jedi are only an informal order spread across the galaxy. The Knights directly serve the Republic, and can be called on in times of crisis to protect the galaxy, but mostly they are protectors of the individual planets they call home. They are allowed to marry and have children, although their children will not often be strong in the Force. The Skywalkers are outliers in this regard.

The Jedi Masters are entirely separate from the Knights, and are primarily teachers and soothsayers, more like eccentric local wizards than proud warriors. They are often pacifists.

A potential narrative for the prequels would be that Obi-wan was taught by Yoda (who is not the leader of the Jedi Order) on Dagobah, but doesn’t speak much of his master to Anakin. Instead, he decides to teach Anakin on his own and bypass Yoda entirely.

During the Clone crisis, the Senate convenes the Jedi Knights and any Masters who are willing to fight. They get dragged into a long conflict with no end in sight, and during this time Anakin secretly becomes Vader and begins killing the Knights. If there is a dangerous Jedi Master in hiding, Anakin will break their former student and learn of the master’s location. In this way, over the course of some years, he is able to hunt down and eliminate almost all of the Jedi that are of any real threat. The final student is Obi-wan, and Anakin is intent on learning of Yoda’s location so that he can become immortal.

For you see, Yoda had another living student, one who was an old man by the time of the Clone crisis. Anakin tracked him down and attempted to kill him, but as he delivered his killing stroke the man turned invisible, and Anakin heard a mocking laughter in his head. Desperate to learn the secret to evading death, Anakin tracks down Obi-wan, who tells him that contained in his Jedi training was the secret to immortality and peace, but Anakin had become too fallen to recognize it anymore.

Why would Master Yoda look in the mirror?

Ascertain pontiff you.

You must have gotten those from somewhere.

How did the Empire discipline Motti?
They fined his lack of faith.

Am I doing it right?

I really like this edit, especially the ‘damsel in distress’ line. The only improvement I could think of is to have more of that type of summation in the dialogue.

I’m having trouble coming up with a good analogy from a different franchise. A movie about figuring out how to blow up a Borg Cube? A movie about how Hans Zarkov built his rocket?

Perhaps the best analogy is from Star Wars itself. What if we have a whole movie about how the Bothans got the information about the 2nd Death Star? Or one with Lor San Tekka piecing together a map to Luke Skywalker?

I mean, any movie could be good, but why not just do new things?

Indeed. This could easily be a six paragraph crawl.

It’s just one of those things that’s been brought up many times, and quite recently.

timdiggerm said:

…Also because that’s how it was in STAR WARS. No “Red One”, just “Red Leader”. And “Gold Leader”.

Red One?! There is no Red One!

Sir Ridley said:

NeverarGreat said:

One more thing I noticed - there’s a low rumble when Finn sees the Finalizer, but I don’t think it’s loud enough for Finn to notice, at least with the music. Perhaps it would help to mix in a more conventional ship sound, something like when the Falcon enters Yavin IV’s atmosphere.

I think he originally reacts to the crowd reaction. But you may be right. If you could link to the ship sound you’re referring to it would help.

Something like this: https://youtu.be/-3TGJu39b5s?t=37s
Really, anything engine-like with some treble, even if it doesn’t continue into the following shots.

Hal 9000 said:

^ And as I believe has been requested already, bringing the music down very slightly around Han’s line, “Where’d you get that,” and Snoke’s, “Prepare the weapon” would be helpful, too.

In other news, Lord_Phillock, the guy behind the tremendous LOTR audio soundscape project, will be submitting options for the “Weapon fully recharged” line.

Nice!

One more thing I noticed - there’s a low rumble when Finn sees the Finalizer, but I don’t think it’s loud enough for Finn to notice, at least with the music. Perhaps it would help to mix in a more conventional ship sound, something like when the Falcon enters Yavin IV’s atmosphere.

I feel like there must be a mention of the base in the crawl, since otherwise it feels like the Starkiller comes out of nowhere halfway through the movie. Force Visions are going to be more prevalent in my edit, so I think there would be some payoff to establishing them here.

I agree that it’s still too complicated and full of information. Reading the Star Wars crawl yet again, I see how it tells a story in miniature with the battle, the plans, and the chase. The original TFA crawl tried something similar with Luke as the focus, but I think it was rather sloppy. Here’s Luke again, though not mentioned by name:

The last of the Jedi Knights
has vanished. In his absence,
a sinister FIRST ORDER has
risen from the fallen Empire,
constructing a weapon that
can devour entire stars.

Haunted by visions of this
deadly threat, General
Leia Organa mobilizes a
covert Resistance to search
for her long-lost brother,
now her only hope to save
the new Republic.

Sent on a daring mission,
Leia’s most trusted pilot
has discovered a clue
to the last Jedi’s fate,
while far overhead,
evil approaches…

Bannon’s big on this idea, for some reason.

Yeah, I though so too, and would have done that from the start if I was thinking 😛 Maybe I’ll give that another go.

MalàStrana said:

I think your crawl is far too complex and contains too much information (a first time viewer wouldn’t understand half of it, especially in a movie which is a sequel to an episode where everything seemed to be resolved).

This is actually my issue with the original Force Awakens crawl:

Luke Skywalker has vanished.
In his absence, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen from
theashes of the Empire and
will not rest until Skywalker,
the last Jedi, has been destroyed.

In the first paragraph we are told about Luke Skywalker, the First Order, the Empire, and the Jedi. That’s a lot of information for a first-time viewer, and we are never given any indication of what the Jedi do or why they are so important. But I can understand why we might need to retain the line about the fallen Empire.

Here’s a version that explains a bit more:

The galaxy is in peril.
Rising from the ashes
of the fallen Empire,
a sinister FIRST ORDER
is building a weapon that
can devour entire stars.

Without the protection of
the mystical Jedi Knights,
The Republic is blind to this
deadly threat. Only General
Leia Organa, haunted by
visions of impending doom,
mobilizes a small Resistance.

On a mission to a distant
world, one of her pilots has
found a clue to the location
of Leia’s long-lost brother,
the last of the Jedi Knights
and their only hope against
the forces of darkness…

Good points, everyone. As I’ve said, the Rathtars will be reduced but not eliminated.

On the subject of the crawl, here’s another attempt, taking into consideration the previous suggestions:

The galaxy is in peril.
Far from the worlds
of the New Republic,
a sinister FIRST ORDER
is building a weapon that
can devour entire stars.

Haunted by visions of
this devastating weapon,
the disgraced Republic
General Leia Organa
mobilizes her remaining
officers to form a brave
resistance to this deadly
threat.

As evil gathers above him,
Leia’s most daring pilot has
found a clue to the location
of her long-lost brother,
the last of the Jedi Knights
and their only hope to save
a galaxy from war…

My own headcannon has it that they were traveling back along the last Hyperspace route that the Falcon took to get to Jakku, thus leading them closer to Han.

I think the last 10 minutes of Rogue One (minus the last minute) are some of the most rewatchable Star Wars yet.

The rest of the movie…exists.

After removing the pilot’s reaction shots during the Starkiller implosion, I had to move the music back so that the crescendo occurred when the base fully imploded. Before, it had happened during Poe’s triumphant ‘let’s go home’ line.

Because the music was pushed back, everything after the last Snoke scene was out of musical sync. I essentially had to re-synch the music and the visuals, and this required extending some shots and shortening a few others.

Rey looking at the Falcon headlight was slowed
The wide shot of Rey and the Falcon was slowed
The beginning of Chewie in the Falcon was removed
All shots from Rey getting up to them entering the Falcon were slowed
The end of Finn and Chewie in the Falcon was removed
The shot of the ships going to hyperspace was slowed, and the end of the shot removed

I’m sorry that this has caused so many headaches.

The first reactions to TLJ look very promising.

Fair enough 😃

It is quite theatrical, I’d argue not any more than this paragraph though:

Pursued by the Empire’s
sinister agents, Princess
Leia races home aboard her
starship, custodian of the
stolen plans that can save
her people and restore
freedom to the galaxy…

You’re probably right that I should make it more readable. How about this:

The galaxy is in peril.
Far from the worlds
of the New Republic,
a sinister FIRST ORDER
is building a weapon that
can devour an entire star.

Haunted by visions of
this devastating weapon,
the disgraced General
Leia Organa mobilizes
a covert Resistance in
an attempt to stave off
this impending disaster.

While on a daring mission,
her most trusted pilot has
found a clue to the location
of Leia’s long-lost brother,
the last of the Jedi Knights
and their only hope against
the evil First Order…

I’d add that if it was likely that R2 had the rest of the map, he would have already searched for it and Resistance technicians would probably have gotten involved. It kind of has to be something so unlikely that nobody thinks it worth their time to investigate, except for maybe the morose bundle of circuits himself.

While the crawl of Restructured is an improvement over the original and looks fantastic, It feels a bit cluttered when viewing it in a completed form. It lacks that…romantic feeling of the original, for lack of a better word. I feel like there should be more emphasis on Leia for my version, and less name-dropping, since the original Star Wars crawl only had four(!) names in it: Rebel, Galactic Empire, Death Star, and Princess Leia. TFA has eight, and Restructured has seven. I’ve managed to get it down to five:

The galaxy is in peril.
Far from the complacent
New Republic, a sinister
FIRST ORDER is building
a weapon that can devour
the very stars.

Haunted by visions of
this impossible weapon,
the disgraced General
Leia Organa and her
covert Resistance scour
the stars for allies to
forestall this impending
doom.

Arriving on a distant world,
one of her pilots has found
a clue to the location of
Leia’s long-lost brother,
the last of the Jedi Knights
and the First Order’s
ancient fear…