Mike O

Fuck me, another strong-ass episode. I’m so tired of these. Good news is my prescribing doc called, and she’s going to look into raising my meds, she’ll contact me again tomorrow. I’m on vacation now, so there’s time to work with it, at least. It’s hard to feel like I’ll ever kick this, especially since as soon as I hung up, I went back to the compulsions. But man, I am giving it some effort.

But fuck, these compulsions came back like a relapse, like all the ones I’ve fought came rushing back at once.

Thanks to everyone for their kindness and support. When I think about people fighting addiction or physically disability or trauma or loss, my problems seem to petty. But all the same, they’re what I have. There have been a few ups, and with 14 days of vacation due to me now, hopefully I’ll make progress. I’m calling my prescribing NP and hopefully she’ll be able to adjust my dosage. I hope I’m not looking that as an idealized cure-all, but it’s helped before and hopefully, it’ll help again.

Made it through a work shift today, went out with my friend the other day, took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing, seeing a shrink, calling about my meds, I am trying. Had another theology OCD slip up, and I’m so tired of it. God, it’s just hard. I am better sometimes, but it’s hard to stay that way. I’ll keep fighting though. And now I can get some rest. But God, it’s hard. Sitting with my dad now though. Family and love sure are nice.

Edit: my dad left, I immediately slipped up. I thought I was finally making progress with this.

The depression finally ebbed, then the “look at theological stuff” OCD came spiking up again. God in heaven, it’s like disability roulette: want to be depressed, obsessive, or anxious? My new therapist told me that having Aspergers means that my brain is very prone to this kind of overactivity, I just wish I could control it. I hope my faith in adjusting my medication isn’t groundless. Unfortunately, I found out that the lady who prescribes for me is only in on Tuesdays and Thursday, and it’s another damn weekend. I have one more workday tomorrow, the I’m off for two weeks. This is so not how I want to spend my vacation.

PS: The Counjuring 2 is way too long.

I wondered why it lessens at night?

Just took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sun. I still feel like my whole life is weighed down by the depression, I suppose it trades off with the anxiety. But I really am trying. It’s frustrating when it comes back. It’s so hard to fight. The walk didn’t give the endorphin buzz I was hoping for. It’s just frustrating to do something to fight it and still not feel like you’ve won a battle. I know, one day at a time.

Had another pretty good night last night, then crashed again this morning. Unfortunately, apparently my prescribing doctor only works Tuesday and Thursday. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon, but I left a message a number of hours ago. I’m kind of hoping she doesn’t have an answering machine and get this stuff through mobile, but who knows? I’m also hoping that like last time, raising the medicine will be helpful and I haven’t manifested this as some kind of idealized solution. But I just want to know either way, and in this state, waiting a few days seems like a long time.

It did seem like an improvement, but I did keep slipping again and again when I got home. God, this is hard. Hopefully my prescription will get tweaked tomorrow, God willing. I know one step at a time, but Lord, is it hard.

Had another terrific session with my new shrink today. The guy was amazingly warm and kind, and told me that even though he’s retired, he still works many hours every week because he loves what he does. We got around to some real discussion about my life-sexual dissatisfaction, how miserable my job makes me, my many limitations in my comfortable but small sphere of life and desire for more, how this likely reflect nuts and bolts problems with my own life, I outline for him my philosophy towards religion and life much like I did in the previous pages, how I kept having anxiety attacks just seeing churches. He talked about how I should shift my focus towards these real-life issues and the classic “where do you want to be a year from now.” He talked about how found his passion in his 40s and about current neurological research he was looking into, and about the satisfaction in such personal actualization. This was very satisfying. He’s a good listener and his experience clearly showed and he seems to have a genuine kindness and desire to help. I finally went out socially with my friend to go to a movie, spent some time with him. As his friend recently took his own life (I can’t even begin to imagine his pain), he was rather worried about me, but was a good listener too, and served as a nice reminder of the many good things I have and what I SHOULD be looking to.

Unfortunately, the compulsions started firing up again halfway through the screening (The Conjuring 2 is way too long, incidentally), and though I managed to resist indulging them in my car, I succumbed to them h the timer I got home. Again. It’s just so frustrating to know something in your mind but somehow not be able to control it. It just don’t get how my brain can literally feel like it’s betraying me. God, it’s frustrating. Still, God dammit, I put in some effort today. I head from my prescribing MD, and she said she’d call me back the following day to set up a meeting, hopefully tomorrow, about adjusting the dosage of my medication. I’ve had to work very, very hard to resist the temptation to take more, but I know that would be both dangerous and stupid. But goddammit, it’s just so hard to keep fighting like this and waiting through all of this, and it doesn’t feel like it’s a winnable battle. But I’m fighting all the same. I want my life back so goddamn badly.

Bingowings said:

Having good and bad days during the early stages of a new round of medicines is expected. I can say don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it (<see😉). You will worry but you don’t need to and knowing that might take the edge of it.

Don’t have the new meds yet. My prescribing doc called today and says she’ll check my chart and call back tomorrow about spiking up the dosage.

Man, I was a rock star last night. I felt way better. At least for a few hours. Then this came back, and worse than ever. And I woke up this morning and it’s still buzzing. I contacted my prescribing doc to see if she can spike up my medicine. This is truly torture inside of my head. God, please, make it stop. Hopefully she’ll call back soon.

Just randomly went on Google and found a guy who’d lost his faith because he was suffering with disease. What a happy story. Why can I stop reading this? Why can’t I stay off these goddamn websites?!

EDIT: And again. And again. And again.

I sure don’t feel strong enough. I’ve been spending so much time indulging these compulsions today alone that it’s hard to believe. I am trying though. I wouldn’t be here and in therapy if I had another choice, so I guess that I’ve accepted that this is something beyond my control. But will I ever reconcile my beliefs? Will I ever be able to watch TV again and see something related to religion without it sending me further down the hole. Spiritual pain is different than physical pain because there’s no pill you can take.

Of course my whole premise is flawed: if I’m not, as I’ve said I’m not, a hardcore theist And I don’t define myself that ways I’d never bregudge a person who suffered evil and loss for not believing, I rarely every even discuss these things with anyone because I prefer to keep them private, and I certainly don’t believe that the views I was taught were the only ones, and I’m full capable of thinking that an atheist can be a moral person, or that various other spiritual or religious beliefs constitute a path to some sort of enlightenment or transcendence. I can hear the sneering atheists telling me that it’s cognitive dissonance as I come to “the truth,” but as mentioned, I’d reconciled that long ago with the fact that I’d mutated my beliefs into something more deistic, spiritual, and broad, and have never claimed to have all of the answers.

I’m not a Bible-reader, an every-Sunday churchgoer, or deeply religious. It was a personal cultural and spiritual thing to me which I rarely ever ventured too deeply into not because I didn’t care, but because I’d simply achieved a sort of happy medium in my own personal beliefs. I liked having personal faith. I didn’t look to it for EVERYTHING by any means (And certainly not politics, God knows!), but I liked seeing “God” in a gorgeous sunset or a beautiful baby with chubby cheeks. That comforted me. It sustained me. I don’t want to be an atheist.

Besides that, I don’t like simply sneering at “zombie Jesus bullshit.” My mother or my friend are people of deep faith. It sustains them. It makes them strong. It makes them hopeful. It gives them purpose. I don’t sneer at that. I envy it. I have no interest in being an anti-theist or fighting religion, and liked my more liberal religion. Of course I don’t literally believe that Noah’s Ark happened, by having the knowledge of theology was cool and interesting in stories. Yeah, I picked and chose. But I liked keeping the things which promoted compassion and enriched my life amd throwing out the parts that were in any way hatful or archaic. I had my own views. If this is all it takes to make them collapse, they must not have been very strong.

I’m tired of it. I want to be able to watch a TV show with a priest or an angel in it without going down this hole. I like superheroe comics and mythology, is it too much to ask thay I be allowed to enjoy it without this happening. I want to be able to focus on what’s actually wrong in my life, in my REAL life, without this inane problem. Fuck me, I’m tired of this. I don’t want to feel this bizarre compulsion to watch Dan Barker and William Lane Craig and these countless videos and debates. I want to stop reading about problems of evil and ontological arguments and fine-tuning and gaps and all of the endless arguments that run in circles. Why isn’t what I personally had good enough for me anymore? Why can’t I play Link’s Awakening and watch Agents of SHIELD and go out with my friends and have my appetite and libido back. I want to be able to think what I want to think instead of what my OCD wants me to think. Where does it begin and where do I end? Am I really depressed, or just selfish? How long will it take to adjust the medication? Can I? God, this is torture. All day, every day, this endless circular insanity. Why do I feel these urges? Why can I control them? This isn’t like wanting to check locks or something. This is more serious. That’s what really scares me. I’m sor tired of this shit.

I apologize for the ranting. I thank everyone for listening and for their kindness. I just needed to get some more of this out.

God, please, make it stop! I hope the next session is a bit more helpful. I know this takes time, but I hurt so much.

Just had another big slip. I can’t control this. I’m not strong enough. I don’t know what to do.

Nice guy, but detached even for a shrink. I get that’s their job, but he was awfully aloof. When I told him that I may switch, he was quite kind and said that the compatibility of therapist and the patient was of paramount importance, and if I felt that way, to let him know. Basically just ran down the whole list of what’s going on, what I do, etc. I know this will take time, and grow was just a session to get ready. Slipped again almost immediately afterwards, and have a nasty nasal infection which is draining into my throat, so no I’m sick mentally and physically.

Bingowings said:

One good treatment for an obsession is a different one. I don’t know if you have ever had an earworm (catchy tune you can’t shake) but if you listen to something similarly catchy it will overwrite your desire to listen catchy tune number 1.
Clearly watching Atheist videos is causing some of the fixation and anxiety, There are other similarly moreish video types (game walk throughs, unboxing videos etc) so the next time you get an urge to watch a theological video try watching something like that instead, and then another one. Are there any topics that you were fascinated by before your current religious debate fixation?

I had all kids: movies, music, books, comics, all of the stuff we talk about around here. Why don’t I look at that instead of all this shit which is upsetting me, you might ask? That’s an excellent fucking question! And fuck, do I wish I had an answer.

EDIT: It just keeps getting worse! Fuck! What the fuck is happening to me?!

Had another bad bout. I. can’t stop watching these atheist videos and theist debates and stuff. It’s driving me fucking crazy! I did manage to get an appointment with a local shrink in a few hours.

I’m calling a shrink tomorrow morning. This is getting worse and worse. I’m worried that the damage is too done at this point. God, please help me. Please. I had other problems, but this philosophizing may have changed me in ways I can never fix. It just keeps going further and further and further down the hole. Please, make it stop. Please.

Tyrphanax said:

Fight it. Don’t let it win.

Make some calls Monday. You can do this.

It’s so discouraging. I finally thought I had a victory. Then BAM, back I went.

And God damn, did I slip badly.

As of this writing, I did manage to resist a compulsion. Will I continue to? Got me. But it felt like a mild victory.

Edit: the compulsion is back. So much for my victory. I’m still resisting. Doubt it’ll last.

Edit 2: It didn’t. Unbelievable. One step forward, two steps back.

I’m trying hard to get a therapist, but it’s the weekend, and management gave me a horrendous schedule that’ll be difficult to work around.

Just had a screaming match with my mother on the phone because my depression/anxiety/OCD is so bad. She got righteously angry at my negativity about hoping for the improvements the therapists we’re desperately trying to schedule (and God will, drugs he prescribes). I hope her faith is not misplaced, and I do understand her anger at my obsessive negativity.

Speaking of faith, it’s what was the instigator of this whole situation. Have broken my years-long vow to avoid any and all discussion of religion, a simple set of forum posts led me down a rabbit hole, and my OCD inexplicably manifested itself as a desire to watch a whole variety of atheist-atheist debates and journey down into some of the darker and nastier parts of contemporary atheism. Having some time ago come to the conclusion that my views were broader, more liberal, spiritual, and somewhat deistic, I don’t know why I chose to do this (and I cannot offer any valid reason as to why I literally felt unable to stop watching these things, knowing fully how upsetting I would find them), but it has in turn manifested itself as a Bergman film-style existential crisis of “Oh, my faith is gone, what will I do, everything I believe is a lie, oh God,” and a nonstop series of anxiety attacks and further obsessive thoughts. And I am not ending figurative when I say that I literally cannot stop. I know that some parities here are not particularly sympathetic with religion (I hear angry atheists in the back of my mind telling me I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance as “see the truth”), but I hope for some sympathy and prayers if there are any such types around. Because of the particular focus, I remain highly skeptical if any therapy can be helpful, but hopefully my mother’s faith in it is rather more likely than my own.

This is destroying my life. I saw an adorable baby today who was so cute that a few week ago, I’d have been seeing marvelous happiness, but today, I wasn’t able to muster up much enthusiasm. I’ve haven’t watched a single film or television show in weeks, barely read, don’t eat much, and the strain it has put on my relationship with my parents is getting hard to manage. They’re fearful I may be suicidal (which I’m not), and it’s hurting them almost as much as me. It’s becoming hell to attempt to work day-to-day in retail and attempt to function, but I can’t afford to take time off.

I haven’t indulged any of my compulsions yet today anyway. Doubt that’ll last.

Unfortunately, I work retail and don’t get sick days. I had a big argument with mother because she insists, perhaps partially correctly, that I’m not putting in the effort to contact professional help, but it’s so fucking hard to do around my schedule at work and so fucking hard to do my job while I have his going on. It takes so much of me.

Why the hell can’t I make this any better? I takes all of my energy to get up in the morning. Why is this so hard? God, I have to go to work in five minutes. It’s so fucking hard.

Chewtobacca said:

Mike O said:
The compulsions are getting worse, and with less time between them.

Again, have you taken steps to restrict your access to material that distresses you?

No. I’m not sure I can. I keep doing it on breaks at work. I just don’t understand why I can’t stop.

My parents called me scared because I texted them a message about how much I loved them and they thought I might be suicidal. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s not like I ever had an overt interest in religion or theology previously, this has manifested as something horrific. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

I get that these are important issues. I think that existential, spiritual, philosophical, and religious issues are complex things to think about, but surely I can go a day without thinking about it and live normally?

The compulsions are getting worse, and with less time between them. I’m definitely thinking that this isn’t fixable, and I don’t know if even a shrink can help. Not looking is almost worse. The compulsions are getting stronger. I’m barely eating.

Got on the phone today and found a place which would take my insurance, and their price is good. Unfortunately, I had another really bad attack, and they’re getting worse, this time fixated on Dan Barker, an evangelical preacher turned militant atheism activist who makes Christopher Hitchens look like a priest. Again, feel like I can’t stop. The guy has a particularly militarized rhetoric, which is fine, and beliefs he’s entitled to and free to espouse, but my obsession is starting to worsen. It was better last night and then it spiked up this morning. I feel sick to my stomach. This is destroying my appetite. I really want to stay asleep and stop getting up in the morning. Can therapy really help with this? I don’t know anymore. I want to cry in he corner. I feel the compulsion again even though I’ve indulged it several times in the last couple minutes. I can’t make it stop. I don’t think a therapist can help. I don’t think anything can help. It’s starting again. God, I wish I hadn’t woken up this morning.

It’s starting again: “It’s destroying my faith! If he’s a former preacher, he must be right! Oh, God! Look at all of the comments! Here are more video links!”

What’s being discussed, as I mentioned, isn’t necessarily even what I believe (as outlined above, my own views are broader and more different). But it still eats away at my mind. Now I’m going “Well, therapy can’t help, because he’s disproven my “beliefs!” The therapist can’t tell me something to restore my faith! I’m doomed!”

God Almighty, help me. I have to work in 60 seconds. I CANNOT stop. This is destroying me. I wish I hadn’t woken up this morning. This is horrible. A few months ago, I’d gone through all of this and come out the other end as what I described above. Now I’m in this hell, and it IS a hell.

Chewtobacca said:

Mike O said:
I just slipped again. This is horrible. I can’t stop. It’s getting worse.

You might try to find some way of limiting your internet access so that you’re not tempted to look at things that distress you. I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to stop yourself from accessing these videos in the same way that someone who is trying to lose weight mustn’t have certain foods in the house. What you have described is almost certainly a form of obsession, but it also sounds like a kind of addiction too, so you have to avoid people, places, and paraphernalia – in other words, anything that might cause you to slip.

I don’t know how to articulate this, but I feel like I CAN’T stop. It’s incredibly stupid, but it feels like some sort of physical compulsion. Like a need. To do something which I know will upset me. It’s so stupid. All of this stuff is old anyway. These arguments-on both sides-have been pretty throughly run through. Hell, I went through them in philosophy classes in school endlessly. I don’t want to think about this anymore!! I outlined my personal spiritual beliefs above. That’s what I think. I went through all of this shit before! I came to these conclusions! It just endlessly circular! I can hear the sneering atheists arguing that I’m attempting to convince myself of something I “know” is “wrong,” but as outlined above, I don’t see it that way. And so what? How does theological debate help me with my day-to-day life? I’d give my soul to the devil to take back the forum posts that caused this whole debacle. I want to be able to watch a television show which depicts or has characters talking about these issues and observe the intellectual distance I did previously. I want to be able to read books and comic again, watch movies again, watch TV again, do things I enjoy again without this literally gnawing away at my mind. But I can’t. It’s horrifying. I can’t stop! I don’t know how to take this to a therapist because I have absolutely no idea what she’ll say! My mother found one, we’re checking if my insurance covers her. She’s well-reviewed. I want to cry, to sob. I’m tired of this. I want it to stop! I want to just go to sleep. Stay asleep so this will stop. It’s so horrible.