Mike O

I know, I know. I’m prett proud of myself, all things considered, but at this point, something that could numb the pain might be nice. I’m out with my friends, but instead of joking around with them and having fun, I’m trapped inside of my own fucking head. Small above-water moments don’t feel worth it in the throes of the worst episodes. And this new psychologist I’m seeing Monday can’t prescribe. I know it’s a mistake to place too much hope in medication, but I think it might help somewhat. Maybe he can connect me with someone who can. I wish I had some way of erasing my memories, of putting myself back to where I belonged. That would be the easiest way. I’m so tired of hurting. Fighting doesn’t even help; even giving in and giving up means more of the pain, it’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t. There are better moments, but they’re harder to take solace in.

So, let’s recap: my mother’s best friend, not even 60, was barely able to walk last week. Upon medical examination, she has amazing levels of damage to her spine. God only knows what medical science will attempt to do. My uncle is almost having a nervous breakdown because he is attempting to get my grandfather, age 82, to undergo some tests for geriatric conditions, particularly regarding his balance, and install something in the shower for the same purpose. He has gotten angry, which I have never seen him do, insisting that he wants to continue with his life as it was even after the life-threatening fall he recently took, refusing to slow down. My aunt, who’s parents are geriatric and spends a lot of time helping them, is increasingly frustrated at him because of what she perceives as his inability to help, causing friction in their marriage, with my mother, and my grandfather, whom I live in fear every day of losing or of facing senility. My mother has also discovered that apparently one of her other friends has cancer, and that some personal information she sent to the post office has gone missing. She has long live in fear of identity theft. She’s near tears. This was all just today, mind. God only knows what awaits in the future.

I’ve been more comfortable coming home tonight, though from from where I should be. Though I’ve managed to set up an appointment with a psychologist, there’s not telling if he’s good or how effective he’ll be, and it’s a significant ride. More importantly, I need a fucking psyiatrist who can prescribe fucking medication. My OCD-Depression-Anxiety-whatever is not improving, particularly while I’m at work, nor is the dawning realization of what a mess I’ve made of my life. As I text my mother in the throes of some of it further stresses her, making her insist I’m suicidal. I’m not; sometimes, I’m OK, sometimes, I feel like my head will explode or the depression is an unmanageable weight. And I kind of need to keep fucking going to work.

I also have to face my other friend about the fact that this while scenario, not to mention my discomfort, means that we’re going to have to bail on our travel plans, so I’m going to have to deal with that when I get up, and I am not looking forward to it. Really, really, really, really not looking forward to, and shouldn’t have talked about it when I knew I’d chicken out, but I do feel like these recent psychological issues are a sufficient reason too. To be fair.

I wish I had a vice; I could use some smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, something to take the edge off. I’m sick of not being able to sit and relax and watch TV. At least I think that’s a reasonable request. So yeah. Fun day.

Warbler said:

He was not as responsive today as they would like and the his white blood cell count is off. Either he has more bleeding in his head or some sort of infection. Please pray if you are willing.

I am sorry, man. It sounded like things were getting better, this is so sad. I am truly sorry. I will continue to hope for the best for you and him. Jesus, man. I’m so sorry.

Found a guy on the International OCD Foundation’s website, called him after work today, and discovered that my insurance does in fact cover him, and the co-pay is inexpensive. I may hate my job, but the insurance can be pretty good. Unfortunately, he’s only a psychologist, so he’ll be unable to prescribe. I wasn’t hugely enamored of him on the phone, but hey, it’s a phone call. I did find one negative review of him on Google (Since when does Yelp let you review therapists?), so I’m hoping it doesn’t color my perception. It’s just a consultation. Now it’s a fair drive, but hopefully he can at least offer some advice. I have had patches where I seem to be feeling better, I think this is something biochemical. I hope maybe he can coordinate with the NP who prescribes for me if he’s good. I don’t know. It’s something. Maybe not something good, I don’t know, but I’ve tried something, anyway.

Warbler said:

let us hope so, but he has a long way to go.

I hope he continues to make progress. I sincerely do, man.

So I sent this a few days ago:

I found your listing on the website of the International OCD Foundation. Do you accept my insurance? What would the co-pay be with it? I have Aspergers, and have been previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety, am on an SSRI, and am currently experiencing symptoms which appear like OCD. I was wondering if I could get a consultation. I work retail, so my schedule is often fluid. I can be reached at this e-mail, or via text or phone at…
Sent from my iPhone

Let us hope for the best.
As it’s a holiday weekend, no one has been available. Sometimes, I’ve actually been doing pretty well. Others? Well, let’s say not so well. More and more of the latter. I think I’m getting worse, and it’s a frightening experience, to say the least. The good times are all right. The bad times are not getting better.

I am sorry about the pooch, man. I’m no animal-lover, but I know how much they mean to their owners and how deep the bond goes, and I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain right now. I hope you heal and remember the happiness she brought you, and that over time, the pain lessens. That isn’t much, but it’s all I can offer.

Jeebus said:

I’ve had depersonalization panic attacks before, but I don’t think that’s what this is. I’ve fallen into a bit of a depression, but it’s strange this time. I’m not angry like I usually am when I’m depressed. My room feels smaller and darker than usual. Interacting with the family feels strange. I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning a little earlier, my left ear and the area behind it was pressed by a dull pain and I felt strange. I really don’t know how else to describe it but strange. My vision feels blurry, but I can see fine. I don’t know, man.

Have you consulted a doctor about it? I’ll be honest, I’ve been fortunate that my full-scale anxiety attacks have been fairly few. Not few ENOUGH, but fairly few.

moviefreakedmind said:

I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned this before, but are you able to look for another job?

I’m long overdue for that, a good many years. Right now, I just want my mind fixed. I’m going insane here.

Possessed said:

Have you talked to your supervisor about it?

I ask because I’m a supervisor at Wal-Mart myself and if an employee comes to me with something like this I can usually find something away from people for them to do until they calm down and just having their supervisor know and accept it seems to help.

I have the odd panic attack at work too but working with customers usually makes it go away after a few minutes cuz I’m more focused on them than my chest.

My weekend supervisor is not exactly the sympathetic type, and except for one guy who mysteriously NEVER does ANY work (don’t get me started), we’re going to need all hands on deck for the holiday weekend.

Warbler said:

My father is still in the hospital. He is in the intensive care step down unit. He sleeps a lot and tires easily. He spoken a few words but not much. He is still very much out of it. They are giving him some medicine today to try to wake him up more. He has been able to follow a few directions(like wiggling his toes and squeezing his hand). They it might a take a year for the blood in his head to absorb. We still don’t know if he has had brain damage or not. Last Saturday was tough, he didn’t look good and I thought he was going to die soon. He has improved a little since then, his vital signs are better. I wish I knew how this was going to end. If you pray, please keep praying for my family and my father. Thank you.

Slow progress is still progress. I hope to God he continues to improve.

No answer to the e-mail, sent I around noon. Another fucking attack. I did manage to cry a little after it, and during it, I was sweating. My mother even noticed how I appeared frazzled, sweaty, and altogether not right, though I passed it off as being out of shape. I guess that feeling better was a short-lived victory. I have to go back to work tomorrow too, and retail is a stressful job. I don’t know how I’ll manage another attack, especially during work, and parity lad given how one of the people who works on weekends is stressful to work with. All of these barriers and stuff I’ve set up in my mind seem too fragile. The thought of having to always live with this is frightening, but I guess it’s a reality I’m going to have to face. I suppose I was too complacent in thinking I was “better.” I actually feel like it’s ebbed a little bit right now, but it can come back in ages minutes if it wants to. I’m just getting sick of this; I’m gonna die from the anxiety and obsessiveness, oh look, I feel a little better, it comes back again. I’m tired of fighting and losing. Can’t even win by giving up. It’s just so crippling.

I’ve had scattered panic attacks throughout my life, a few this bad, but mercifully rarely this bad. I am mildly worried that I’m self-diagnosing, especially regarding the OCD symptoms, but whatever it is, I want it to fucking stop. Hopefully Dr. #2 will answer this e-mail, if not, third try will be calling, and then I’ll have to hunt elsewhere.

Sorry about that melodramatic little outburst, but I really did feel what I said at the time. Jesus, that was bad. I was straightforward with my parents about it, and they were supportive as usual. My mistake, no doubt, but I guess that because I was feeling a little better, I made the rookie mistake of assuming things were “back to normal” or that I was “better.” After a good night’s sleep, I will hunt for a new therapist, or go back to my old one if things don’t pan out. I know it’s a process, and it’s hard to think that way when the suffering is so concentrated, and it’s hard to think about how long it will take, but I do appreciate the reminder to keep fighting.

Holy fuck, so much for progress! I had another COMPLETELY random set of compulsions followed by an anxiety attack unlike any I’ve ever had, I actually thought I might go crazy. I’m still sweat hours later, my heartbeat doubled, my hands shook, my face went numb, it was easily of the scariest experiences I’ve ever had. I think I’ll hope for a heart attack from it if that shit happens again. Don’t know if I can hide it from my parents. I dot know what the fuck to do. I’m amazed I managed to make it through the rest of my work shift. Jesus fucking Christ. That was…God.

Moth3r said:

Mike O said:

SilverWook said:

I still see blank cassette tapes for sale in drugstores. They often still have VHS tapes too.

We have 90 minute tapes where I work super-cheap, but I need 120s.

EDIT: I think. I need a way to determine the length of certain tapes.

Rewind to the start of the tape, press play, then time how long it takes to reach the end of the tape in minutes. Then multiply by 2. E.g. if it takes 45 minutes to play one side, then it is a C90 tape.

Your audio books will probably be a bespoke length and not correspond to the standard C60, C90 or C120 lengths. I’d be very surprised if you actually need a C120 as these were more vulnerable to being chewed up because the tape was thinner.

Yeah, the math doesn’t come out to 90-120 a tape, so they must have a particular kind. I found some 120s on eBay, I’m just going to hedge my bets.

I don’t feel like listening to the whole thing 😉.

TV’s Frink said:

Tyrphanax said:

As an aside, it always shocks me when people mention great-grandparents. Mine were all long gone before I could remember.

Both my grandmothers are alive and healthy at the age of 90, and my daughters will be fourtunate enough to remember them after they’re gone.

My grandfathers have been gone for years and years, long before my daughters were born.

I hope to God I get that much time with mine and that he still has some more years ahead of him.

Tyrphanax said:

That sounds incredibly lucky. Hopefully he’s okay.

As an aside, it always shocks me when people mention great-grandparents. Mine were all long gone before I could remember.

It’s lucky, but I think it’s really broken him mentally. He’s trying to take longer walks to get back to where he was after less than a week, he’s frustrated that he can’t cook as much yet, he’s trying hard to fight against it. I’m worried he’ll strain himself or hurt himself again. Let’s hope he’s able to take things down a bit. God, I’m so fucking scared.

Over at the AV Club After Dark I got (retrospectively deservedly) called out on some sexism in some jokey posts I put up. Rather than directly apologizing, I kind o whined about it in another thread, exacerbating the problem. I got called out on it rather harshly by a particular poster. I am kind of upset, I’m not going to lie. But if that’s what I’m upset about, I suppose I need to reevaluate my life. I just feel pretty crummy for what I did and for being called out in, somewhat harshly in a particular case. I’ll live, I know. It also ties into the morass of issues I have about my own sexuality, but that’s a whole other discussion.

I have had a few episodes with the compulsions returning too. It’s probably related to the spates of anxiety surrounding recent events, but I’m worried that whatever Walls I had built up there could start coming down. I should try to contact that other therapist again. I don’t know anymore, every time I even try to push back against this, I panic and retreat. I can’t hide from this forever. But every attempt I make to face it seems to end in retreat. I’ve insulated myself too long. I just don’t know what the fuck to do.

SilverWook said:

If I see something local, (and cheap) I’ll let you know.

Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to make CD’s out of them at this point?

I have like three of this particular audiobook, and two are missing different tapes. I’d like to just complete them.

SilverWook said:

I still see blank cassette tapes for sale in drugstores. They often still have VHS tapes too.

We have 90 minute tapes where I work super-cheap, but I need 120s.

EDIT: I think. I need a way to determine the length of certain tapes.

OK, I have some audiobooks with a missing tape. Now, I have a second copy of them, and I want to complete them. Where I work, we actually sell 90 minute tapes, but the Math doesn’t add up on some them to figure the length of them all. The only thing I can figure is that need 120s, and unfortunately, the only places I’m finding those is for high prices online which aren’t worth the trouble. Is there any way to tell the length of a tape? Is there any place that might still sell analog audio tapes? There’s got to be an easier way to do this.

My 82 year-old grandfather fell and hit himself on some pavement. I had a nightmare about losing him not eight hours before I got the news. It continually haunts me and brings on panic attacks. My mother took him to the hospital. Our worst fear was broken bones, which would be a death sentence at his age, but the nurses all said nothing is broken. He’s badly banged up, cut and bruised something fierce, but hopefully his old body still has enough life in it to heal up. My uncle was watching for the day before having a miniature breakdown of sorts. My mother called me and asked if I’d stay with him tonight, and possibly tomorrow since I’m off work. I of course said yes, I would, and am there now. He’s asleep, hopefully healing. Horrible thoughts about loss run through my head, bit for now, I’m glad he seems to be handling it, and hope for more years out of him yet. God, I was frightened.

yhwx said:

Mike O said:

God dammit, I want the Despecialized Edition and several other fan edits around here, but I still fear legal repercussions! First world problems!

I don’t think the FBI has ever knocked down someones door and searched a person’s computer for piracy.

I don’t know, my brother is studying to be an Internet intellectual property lawyer and recently heard about a case where someone he knew got into serious trouble for downloading some movies or something off of BitTorrent. Of course, it sounds like the guy wasn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp, but still, it scares the hell out of me…

suspiciouscoffee said:

Maybe that’s because they’re hiding outside Mike’s house waiting to strike in the event that he does download the edits 😉

I just have horrific nightmares about sitting down to enjoy some OOT Star Wars only to have someone knock on my door and tell me that orange really is the new black. And I don’t think I’d get Nina Rausch for a cellmate either…

Tyrphanax said:

That’s great, Mike!

Thanks, man. I’m still not dealing in any meaningful way with any of the nuts and bolts problems in my life, and I still feel the compulsions bubbling under the surface. I don’t know how long this respite will last, and I have fears that it’s temporary and whatever was wrong could come back worse. And like I said, I still have real-life problems to deal with. For now though, I am pleased to have some semblance of my own mind back. I won;'t lie, it’s awfully nice. Thanks to everyone for their continued kindness and support!

God dammit, I want the Despecialized Edition and several other fan edits around here, but I still fear legal repercussions! First world problems!

yhwx said:

Mike O said:

yhwx said:

Mike O said:

So my iPhone just isn’t importing pictures anymore. Not explanation, no reason. It just…isn’t. Great.

Where is it importing from?

The iPhone itself. I used to plug it in and it would import the pictures.

What are you plugging it into?

That fixed itself, but I plugged the phone into my PC via lightning USB. Not having the same luck with Samsung, unfortunately, and their Customer Service chat has been jammed since last night.

yhwx said:

Mike O said:

So my iPhone just isn’t importing pictures anymore. Not explanation, no reason. It just…isn’t. Great.

Where is it importing from?

The iPhone itself. I used to plug it in and it would import the pictures.

Basically it’s telling you to extract the zip file that the firmware came in, format a USB drive, then copy the firmware to the USB Drive. I haven’t used Windows in a while so you someone else could give you more specific instructions.

Yeah, I need them. I don’t know what that means.

So due to a loose joystick, I dismantled my N64 controller in an attempt to fix it. Two problems: 1) I don’t know how to put it back together and 2) how do I tighten the stick (Fishing line? Dental floss? tape?)? I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten so many different YouTube videos that it’s hard to sift them all. I need moron instructions 😉.

These are mine, but I’ll have more at some point, I’m sure and don’t feel like bookmarking this post, so if anyone wants to make it a general thread for such things, that could be fun. My issues are, in no particular order:

So I can hook my Chromecast up to the HDTV in the waiting room at my auto shop, and the pause button works fine. But on my $1400 HDTV at home? Nope. Thanks, Samsung.

I am so sick of AT&T’s throttling…

Vudu dumped my whole disc-to-digital queue.

So my iPhone just isn’t importing pictures anymore. Not explanation, no reason. It just…isn’t. Great.

OK, and the big one: I’m trying to update the firmware on two of non-Internet connected HDTVs from Samsung via USB. I contacted their customer service, and they sent me this:

Thank you for contacting Samsung. I would be glad to help you with the instructions to update the firmware version on your TVs: UN32EH4003FXZA and PN64H5000AFXZA. Please follow the instructions mentioned below to update your UN32EH4003FXZA TV with the latest firmware version through USB method:

1. You can update the firmware using the USB flash drive method. Before upgrading your TV firmware, please you check the current firmware version on the TV. Using the TV’s remote, follow Menu>>Support>>Contact Samsung to find the current firmware version on the TV. You will find it beside the Software version.

2. The latest firmware version available for your TV is 1008.0. If the current firmware version on the TV is older than ver. 1008.0, please upgrade the firmware. You can download the firmware update for your TV by clicking on the link given below. It starts downloading automatically once you click the link.

http://org.downloadcenter.samsung.com/downloadfile/ContentsFile.aspx?CDSite=US&CttFileID=5611985&CDCttType=FM&ModelType=C&ModelName=UN32EH4003FXZA&VPath=FM/201401/20140107144547285/T-M9RHAUSC.zip

3. Here are the instructions to upgrade the firmware version through USB:

4. Download the latest firmware file onto your computer

5. Using the WinZip/WinRAR software you need to extract the firmware version file

6. Connect a USB flash drive to your computer.

7. Once you find the USB flash drive in My Computer, please right click on it and select format FAT 32 which will then format the USB flash drive

8. If there are previous versions of firmware in the folder on USB flash drive, will be deleted

9. Copy the extracted file to USB flash drive.

10. Connect the USB flash drive to the unit and it will upgrade the firmware version.

Note: Please format the USB flash drive with FAT 32 format and load the extracted file in the USB flash drive. You will have to use windows PC/Laptop to download the file as it may or may not get extracted with MAC devices.

Please follow the instructions mentioned below to update your PN64H5000AFXZA TV with the latest firmware version through USB method:

1. You can update the firmware using the USB flash drive method. Before upgrading your TV firmware, please you check the current firmware version on the TV. Using the TV’s remote, follow Menu>>Support>>Contact Samsung to find the current firmware version on the TV. You will find it beside the Software version.

2. The latest firmware version available for your TV is 1006.0. If the current firmware version on the TV is older than ver. 1006.0, please upgrade the firmware. You can download the firmware update for your TV by clicking on the link given below. It starts downloading automatically once you click the link.

http://org.downloadcenter.samsung.com/downloadfile/ContentsFile.aspx?CDSite=US&CttFileID=5938476&CDCttType=FM&ModelType=C&ModelName=PN64H5000AFXZA&VPath=FM/201407/20140717022110389/T-NT14LAKUC.zip

3. Here are the instructions to upgrade the firmware version through USB:

4. Download the latest firmware file onto your computer

5. Using the WinZip/WinRAR software you need to extract the firmware version file

6. Connect a USB flash drive to your computer.

7. Once you find the USB flash drive in My Computer, please right click on it and select format FAT 32 which will then format the USB flash drive

8. If there are previous versions of firmware in the folder on USB flash drive, will be deleted

9. Copy the extracted file to USB flash drive.

10. Connect the USB flash drive to the unit and it will upgrade the firmware version.

Note: Please format the USB flash drive with FAT 32 format and load the extracted file in the USB flash drive. You will have to use windows PC/Laptop to download the file as it may or may not get extracted with MAC devices.

I hope the above instructions would helpful. If you are experiencing any issues with your TVs, please get back to us with the detailed description of the issue so that we can assist you further.

If you have any more questions related to Samsung devices, feel free to contact us. We are available 24/7 to assist you.

Is any of this English?

P.S. I was, at long last, successful in my attempts to get Command and Conquer: The First Decade to run on Windows 10 thanks to a convoluted series of patches which intrepid fans have put together. God bless them. Now, I wonder if they have any for Dune II or Dune 2000…
Why aren’t they on Steam or Origin?

P.P.S. Or the original Doom? Is that on Steam?