Tyrphanax said:I wish you’d give this therapy a chance, but like you said, if you’re not willing to participate then nothing will change.
[img]http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m495ru4wYU1qiz3j8o1_r1_500.gif[/img]
Thank you for that. I needed it.
I have done fairly well this week. Haven’t watched any videos, and only had a small slip-up reading stuff. I had a couple of days when I was riding fairly high. Don’t know where these bipolar endorphin buzzes come from, but sometimes they’re nice. But I haven’t been doing the homework he’s been giving me: exposing myself to smaller levels of stress to build up. I just don’t know I have the strength to do that. I know he won’t be mad, but I am pretty sure he’ll be disappointed. But I just don’t know if
I can right now. I’m really pretty scared to see him tomorrow. The obsessiveness does seem to have temporarily subsided, the anxiety seems to have cooled for a little while, but the depression spikes up and down. I do genuinely understand some of the changes I need to make in my life, and that
Facing the “depression” won’t change that, I have to get some courage. But every small thing seems huge. Sometimes I just get sick of hurting. I’m so fortunate in my life, my feeling like this is selfish and unfair. There are good patches. But I’m so scared to go see him tomorrow and tell him the truth. I don’t think he’ll be pleased. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’ll go; I’ll see what he says; but if I’m not willing to commit, there really isn’t anything he can do. Those anxious obsessions could spike up at any time for no reason. The depression is still a yo-yo. I don’t know, I still don’t feel like I can sit and relax. I’m scared. And I have to go to work now. And I’ll be honest, I really don’t want to work today. I wish I could just sleep all day.
EDIT: Getting out of bed was hard, but I feel a little better now. These ups and downs are really a roller coaster.
So I started seeing another new psychologist. He’s an OCD specialist. I have to admit, I’m not huge on his methods, but he’s the professional. He wants me to exposure therapy; make a list of things that upset me in a hierarchy, start exposing myself to the least stressful ones for a while to acclimate myself and work up. It’s a pretty well-known treatment method. I’m still not sure if this is really OCD; I think there’s something else going on. But he’s the professional. Sometimes I’m OK, sometimes I’m not. And there’s still the issue of the depression; I slept in until noon again today and am
Eating less. But it’s his job to make me feel better, not to make me feel good. I’ll give him a few more sessions. I still think looking into different medication might help, but I’m worried I’m putting too much faith in that. I could just be too much of a cowardly piece of shit to face my problems and do the therapy. That’s a possibility. But I think that issue is more what the existential obsessions get at than just the anxiety itself. When I feel OK, my posts almost seem hyperbolic and foolish. My last therapist probably had the right idea about looking at other problems in my life too. It’s just so much. I’ve been having fucking anxiety attacks thinking about the therapy. The guy’s a bit more intense (which is his job) though he’s warm and kind. I’ve still barely watched any of my stuff on the DVR. I haven’t watch any of the videos since Monday though, so that’s good. I think I’m too much of a coward to do what he says: start keeping a journal, starting pushing hard to do the exposure therapy. Even a small step feels so fucking hard for me. I’m such a fuck up.
I’ve heard so much about this show, but it wasn’t in syndication back in the days when I devoured reruns. It’s a shame it’s not stream anywhere or in reruns now.
thank you both.
Just got back from planning the funeral. Its on Monday. I am not looking forward to it. Its going to be a hard day.
I wish I could say something to comfort you, but I feel it’d be hollow. I only wish you the best and hope that the pain heals in time.
I’m so hard to hear that, Warbler. Death is hard, but you and I know it’s not the end. Prayers and best wishes, my friend.
I envy your faith. I really, really do.
thank you. I know I keep repeating that, but I just don’t know what else to right now.
You don’t need to say anything else. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. It’s hard for me to imagine that anything I can say would make you feel consoled.
Jesus, Warbler. I’m so sorry, man. I wish I could say something to offer comfort, but I feel like I’d be hollow. We’re here for you in whatever capacity we can be, and I am truly sorry. I can’t even imagine your pain. That’s honestly all I can think of to say.
iOS 10 if a fucking pain in the ass.
Also, my God, why does the fucking VUDU app on my Samsung Smart TV just not fucking work? I can’t get it above SD! My wifi is fine, the other apps work, and VUDU works fine on my BD player, excepting the fact that it can’t run 24p. Samsung have had me reset the damned internet connection (the 8.8.8.8 and 8.8.4.4 thing) several times, their customer service sucks so much that their chat has been jammed for months, and their e-mail responses aren’t much use.
Had my first session with this new guy yesterday. He’s quite nice, and we’ll see how things go, he gave me a bit of homework as it were. I stopped off for pizza afterwards, and got home around 6:00. I went to bed, and good Lord, when I woke up, it was 11:00 the next day! I finally pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, and ate some food. I still feel groggy and out of it a little bit, but hopefully the food will sync up with my metabolism. The new guy is nice, and we’ll see how things go with him. My mother’s friend’s daughter is seeing a psychiatrist who can actually prescribe medication and is seeing if I can get an appointment there as well. I don’t have super high expectations or feel particularly well right now, but at least this is an attempt at something.
Set an alarm for these sorts of things. If you are having long periods of insomnia you have to be wary of the rebound and not getting things you need to do done.
Well, it hasn’t interfered with my work as of yet. But it’s burning away my days off.
Seeing another psychologist today, might have a yet another lined up who’s an actual psychiatrist who can prescribe. My nerves are about as shredded as tires after a drag race, God only knows what will happen. I’m going to try to eat in a few minutes. Slept for a long, long time, and I’ll be honest, I’d still be sleeping if it weren’t for the appointment. I’m a mess.
I don’t understand exactly what is going with you, but I do really hope you get the help you need. I’m praying for you.
I appreciate it. It’s hard.
Hang in there Mike. You can do it.
I hope so. Thanks to everyone for their kindness.
Seeing another psychologist today, might have a yet another lined up who’s an actual psychiatrist who can prescribe. My nerves are about as shredded as tires after a drag race, God only knows what will happen. I’m going to try to eat in a few minutes. Slept for a long, long time, and I’ll be honest, I’d still be sleeping if it weren’t for the appointment. I’m a mess.
A few months ago, I was fine, now I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life? Doesn’t sound appealing. My brain has been an endless cycle all day at work while I keep going, it’s like Cartesian mind-body dualism, and it seems to be a worsening mental spiral. Hopefully I’ll get some sleep tonight, anyway. I’m so tired of this. I don’t know how much longer I can take it, and from where I am now, it’s pretty fucking hard to feel like I’ll ever feel any better or like I did once before. I see that new psychologist tomorrow, hopefully he can refer me to a psychiatrist who can prescribe something, if anything will help. I’m scared half to death of the appointment, and have no idea how compatible, if at all, I’ll be with him. It takes so long to get help, if it’ll help, so long for medication to work. I’m just tired of this.
Warbler, I am certainly glad to hear about your father! Hopefully his health will continue to improve. It sounds like there’s a long way to go, but it does sound like some genuine progress, and that is marvelous.
I’m beginning to understand what the expression “envy the dead” means. God, this is fucking hell. I’ve barely eaten or slept in a day and a half.
I don’t mean this to sound harsh or uncaring but it’s the internet and text only communication can come out that way. But eat something and go to bed. Even if you don’t want to, even if you don’t sleep. Rested insomnia is less harmful than restless insomnia. Force yourself to lie in bed under cover for six hours. Don’t take the phone. If you must read something take a book. Treat food as medicine. Depression can utterly wipe out appetite but people shouldn’t eat to sate appetite they should eat for fuelling physical health. If you must combine the two take a packed lunch to bed. Something balanced and healthy. And make yourself eat all of it. And drink water. Once again even if it’s a chore. Avoid stimulants like coffee and tea. Eventually your sleep patterns will return and your appreciation of food will return but give it time. You have an illness. If you had a cold or flu you would probably lose sleep and appetite but you would probably be less hard on yourself about it.
A cold or the flu would go away eventually. This won’t ever. But I did finally get some food. I slept through like half of my last day off, and that threw off my sleep Schedule for the next couple of days. I’ll catch up tonight, I guess. This is not good for physical health as well as my mental health now. I feel like…I don’t know anymore. This is taking my mind. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I’m beginning to understand what the expression “envy the dead” means. God, this is fucking hell. I’ve barely eaten or slept in a day and a half.
They would have done it for one of the 4 releases they brought out this year.
I’m surprised that DS9 isn’t getting remastered given that apparently TNG sold well. I kind of hope that the DC remaster of II is testing the waters to see if we can get remasteres of the others (particularly the DCs of I and VI), but we’ll see. Paramount just don’t seem interested.
Damn Dom, I’m sorry.
Breakups are hard. Went through a massive one myself last year.
All I can say is keep moving forward because it will get better.
Aww dammit, sorry man.
Breakups can leave just as much if not more of an negative impact as a bereavement.
When you enter a relationship you merge the threads of your individual lives into a single cloth. If that has to come to an end it’s better, where possible to carefully unpick the stitches.
All the cliches about being torn up, ripped to bits, falling to pieces, they don’t come from nowhere. It’s all real human stuff.
Thanks guys. This helped me more the other day than I thought it would. It’s rare that I’m a slave to my emotions but this has been tough.
The real pain of it is that we were a great pair. She didn’t break up with me because we were having arguments or we didn’t get along anymore or she became bored or found someone else or whatever it is that usually ends things. No, she was still very much into me. It’s just, it had become long distance (well it had been for awhile but had just recently become a distance at which it would be very hard to see each other) and was to remain long distance indefinitely, which was just scary for her and she couldn’t handle it. So I don’t know in some ways this has been harder to come to grips with.
I’m feeling a bit better now. I’ve decided that even though I might not be able to (or want to) get over it I can get used to it (and I’ll have to). The hard part is the despair. It’s just very hard to see a scenario in which we can get back together. I’ve always been an optimist so coming to terms with this fact is a real bitch. And I know I know there are more fish in the sea and blah blah and I know I’m a pretty young guy who doesn’t know much but I’ve never met a girl who’s made as much sense to me as her.
Thoughts are with your father Warb and with you Mike.
Thanks, man. I really wish I could offer some sort of advice to you, but I’ve nene been in that kind of a relationship. I can only imagine what you’re going through, and hell, without any range of experience, I’m not even sure I can imagine it. It must be like losing part of you. I wish I could offer some wise words, but I’m not a wise man, and feel like anything I said would be empty platitudes. I am sorry, man. I hope someone here can off you good advice, or better still, someone in your real life as well or a professional. Hopefully you’ll heal over time, and come away stronger. I don’t know if you will or can, but it’s all I can offer. I hope you feel better, man.
Warbler, if you want to keep us all updated on your grandfather, feel free to. I can at least try to empathize with you, and it’s horrible to think that you could still still have a sad outcome after all of this fighting. As someone having a horrific crisis of faith, I can only say that I hope that God smiles upon you and that you have some good fortune in this. I feel like there’s a limit to the amount of pain you should have to suffer through. I don’t think that the universe works that way, but I hope you get some good luck.
My mother called again today afraid I was suicidal (I wasn’t), which was no fun, and my depression crippled me to sleep through half of my day off. I’m still running, but I’m getting a better understanding of what “dead inside” means. The yo-yo of this obsessive-compulsiveness and depression and endless circle of obsessive thinking, to the eventual functioning anxiety while I work, an endless spiral. I’m sick of it. It’s just a way I shouldn’t have to live. It’s so hard.
I got an appointment with a new shrink on Monday, but he can’t prescribe. I hope I’m not too hopeful about his or havr unrealistic expectations, but I really do think a change in it would be helpful. It’s about all I can think of at this point. I’m tired of fighting. But even giving up hurts just as much. I just don’t know what to do.
Happy 50th. Hopefully we’ll get remasters of the movies besides WOK at some point, maybe it’ll be the soften the blow on the lack of DS9 remasters. But knowing Paramount, I doubt it.
So, let’s recap: my mother’s best friend, not even 60, was barely able to walk last week. Upon medical examination, she has amazing levels of damage to her spine. God only knows what medical science will attempt to do. My uncle is almost having a nervous breakdown because he is attempting to get my grandfather, age 82, to undergo some tests for geriatric conditions, particularly regarding his balance, and install something in the shower for the same purpose. He has gotten angry, which I have never seen him do, insisting that he wants to continue with his life as it was even after the life-threatening fall he recently took, refusing to slow down.
Warn your Grandfather about my father’s story. This started out as balance problems. He has fallen many times(though not as serious as this recent time). Last October he fell and had a gash in the back of his head that he needed staples in. He fell again in January and we think it had something to do with causing his sciatica. This inflicted terrible pain on him for about six months. He finally got an operation that cured it and was recovering when this latest fall happened. He has had severe bleeding on the brain and may never recover and be sane again. Ask your Grandfather if he wants all that. If he is on a blood thinner, it increases the risk of the bleeding on the brain.
He’s just not wanting to face up to be fact that he’s 82 years old now. He’s fiercely independent, and that’s fine, but he’s pushing hard against it and getting frustrated by the fact that he can’t operate the way he could even a few years ago. I think it’s pushing him to fight against it harder, and it’s not health. I’m very fortunate to have him still around and in relatively good health, but I fear something happening to him every day. I know I’ll have to lose him eventually, but hopefully he still has more years in him, but he really needs to bite the bullet and accept that he needs help and some lifestyle changes.
My aunt, who’s parents are geriatric and spends a lot of time helping them, is increasingly frustrated at him because of what she perceives as his inability to help, causing friction in their marriage, with my mother, and my grandfather, whom I live in fear every day of losing or of facing senility. My mother has also discovered that apparently one of her other friends has cancer, and that some personal information she sent to the post office has gone missing. She has long live in fear of identity theft. She’s near tears. This was all just today, mind. God only knows what awaits in the future.
man, that is terrible. I don’t what to say. I will keep your family in my prayers and hope things get better.
The prayers are kind, it’s a shame in the midst of a horrific crisis of faith which I’m fairly sure won’t end well. I just want my mind back, I want to be Able to feel comfortable again, like my mind isn’t a car with the clutch out.
I’ve been more comfortable coming home tonight, though from from where I should be. Though I’ve managed to set up an appointment with a psychologist, there’s not telling if he’s good or how effective he’ll be, and it’s a significant ride. More importantly, I need a fucking psyiatrist who can prescribe fucking medication. My OCD-Depression-Anxiety-whatever is not improving, particularly while I’m at work, nor is the dawning realization of what a mess I’ve made of my life. As I text my mother in the throes of some of it further stresses her, making her insist I’m suicidal. I’m not; sometimes, I’m OK, sometimes, I feel like my head will explode or the depression is an unmanageable weight. And I kind of need to keep fucking going to work.
I also have to face my other friend about the fact that this while scenario, not to mention my discomfort, means that we’re going to have to bail on our travel plans, so I’m going to have to deal with that when I get up, and I am not looking forward to it. Really, really, really, really not looking forward to, and shouldn’t have talked about it when I knew I’d chicken out, but I do feel like these recent psychological issues are a sufficient reason too. To be fair.
Good luck getting the help you need. I hope for the best.
I hope so too. But I’m not very confident at this point.
I wish I had a vice; I could use some smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, something to take the edge off. I’m sick of not being able to sit and relax and watch TV. At least I think that’s a reasonable request. So yeah. Fun day.
trust me, you do not want to get addicted to drinking or drugs. This would only make your situation worse.
I know that, I do. But at this point, even some temporary relief would be nice.
I know, I know. I’m prett proud of myself, all things considered, but at this point, something that could numb the pain might be nice. I’m out with my friends, but instead of joking around with them and having fun, I’m trapped inside of my own fucking head. Small above-water moments don’t feel worth it in the throes of the worst episodes. And this new psychologist I’m seeing Monday can’t prescribe. I know it’s a mistake to place too much hope in medication, but I think it might help somewhat. Maybe he can connect me with someone who can. I wish I had some way of erasing my memories, of putting myself back to where I belonged. That would be the easiest way. I’m so tired of hurting. Fighting doesn’t even help; even giving in and giving up means more of the pain, it’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t. There are better moments, but they’re harder to take solace in.
So, let’s recap: my mother’s best friend, not even 60, was barely able to walk last week. Upon medical examination, she has amazing levels of damage to her spine. God only knows what medical science will attempt to do. My uncle is almost having a nervous breakdown because he is attempting to get my grandfather, age 82, to undergo some tests for geriatric conditions, particularly regarding his balance, and install something in the shower for the same purpose. He has gotten angry, which I have never seen him do, insisting that he wants to continue with his life as it was even after the life-threatening fall he recently took, refusing to slow down. My aunt, who’s parents are geriatric and spends a lot of time helping them, is increasingly frustrated at him because of what she perceives as his inability to help, causing friction in their marriage, with my mother, and my grandfather, whom I live in fear every day of losing or of facing senility. My mother has also discovered that apparently one of her other friends has cancer, and that some personal information she sent to the post office has gone missing. She has long live in fear of identity theft. She’s near tears. This was all just today, mind. God only knows what awaits in the future.
I’ve been more comfortable coming home tonight, though from from where I should be. Though I’ve managed to set up an appointment with a psychologist, there’s not telling if he’s good or how effective he’ll be, and it’s a significant ride. More importantly, I need a fucking psyiatrist who can prescribe fucking medication. My OCD-Depression-Anxiety-whatever is not improving, particularly while I’m at work, nor is the dawning realization of what a mess I’ve made of my life. As I text my mother in the throes of some of it further stresses her, making her insist I’m suicidal. I’m not; sometimes, I’m OK, sometimes, I feel like my head will explode or the depression is an unmanageable weight. And I kind of need to keep fucking going to work.
I also have to face my other friend about the fact that this while scenario, not to mention my discomfort, means that we’re going to have to bail on our travel plans, so I’m going to have to deal with that when I get up, and I am not looking forward to it. Really, really, really, really not looking forward to, and shouldn’t have talked about it when I knew I’d chicken out, but I do feel like these recent psychological issues are a sufficient reason too. To be fair.
I wish I had a vice; I could use some smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, something to take the edge off. I’m sick of not being able to sit and relax and watch TV. At least I think that’s a reasonable request. So yeah. Fun day.
He was not as responsive today as they would like and the his white blood cell count is off. Either he has more bleeding in his head or some sort of infection. Please pray if you are willing.
I am sorry, man. It sounded like things were getting better, this is so sad. I am truly sorry. I will continue to hope for the best for you and him. Jesus, man. I’m so sorry.
Found a guy on the International OCD Foundation’s website, called him after work today, and discovered that my insurance does in fact cover him, and the co-pay is inexpensive. I may hate my job, but the insurance can be pretty good. Unfortunately, he’s only a psychologist, so he’ll be unable to prescribe. I wasn’t hugely enamored of him on the phone, but hey, it’s a phone call. I did find one negative review of him on Google (Since when does Yelp let you review therapists?), so I’m hoping it doesn’t color my perception. It’s just a consultation. Now it’s a fair drive, but hopefully he can at least offer some advice. I have had patches where I seem to be feeling better, I think this is something biochemical. I hope maybe he can coordinate with the NP who prescribes for me if he’s good. I don’t know. It’s something. Maybe not something good, I don’t know, but I’ve tried something, anyway.
let us hope so, but he has a long way to go.
I hope he continues to make progress. I sincerely do, man.
So I sent this a few days ago:
I found your listing on the website of the International OCD Foundation. Do you accept my insurance? What would the co-pay be with it? I have Aspergers, and have been previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety, am on an SSRI, and am currently experiencing symptoms which appear like OCD. I was wondering if I could get a consultation. I work retail, so my schedule is often fluid. I can be reached at this e-mail, or via text or phone at…
Sent from my iPhone
Let us hope for the best.
As it’s a holiday weekend, no one has been available. Sometimes, I’ve actually been doing pretty well. Others? Well, let’s say not so well. More and more of the latter. I think I’m getting worse, and it’s a frightening experience, to say the least. The good times are all right. The bad times are not getting better.
I am sorry about the pooch, man. I’m no animal-lover, but I know how much they mean to their owners and how deep the bond goes, and I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain right now. I hope you heal and remember the happiness she brought you, and that over time, the pain lessens. That isn’t much, but it’s all I can offer.
I’ve had depersonalization panic attacks before, but I don’t think that’s what this is. I’ve fallen into a bit of a depression, but it’s strange this time. I’m not angry like I usually am when I’m depressed. My room feels smaller and darker than usual. Interacting with the family feels strange. I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning a little earlier, my left ear and the area behind it was pressed by a dull pain and I felt strange. I really don’t know how else to describe it but strange. My vision feels blurry, but I can see fine. I don’t know, man.
Have you consulted a doctor about it? I’ll be honest, I’ve been fortunate that my full-scale anxiety attacks have been fairly few. Not few ENOUGH, but fairly few.
I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned this before, but are you able to look for another job?
I’m long overdue for that, a good many years. Right now, I just want my mind fixed. I’m going insane here.
Have you talked to your supervisor about it?
I ask because I’m a supervisor at Wal-Mart myself and if an employee comes to me with something like this I can usually find something away from people for them to do until they calm down and just having their supervisor know and accept it seems to help.
I have the odd panic attack at work too but working with customers usually makes it go away after a few minutes cuz I’m more focused on them than my chest.
My weekend supervisor is not exactly the sympathetic type, and except for one guy who mysteriously NEVER does ANY work (don’t get me started), we’re going to need all hands on deck for the holiday weekend.
My father is still in the hospital. He is in the intensive care step down unit. He sleeps a lot and tires easily. He spoken a few words but not much. He is still very much out of it. They are giving him some medicine today to try to wake him up more. He has been able to follow a few directions(like wiggling his toes and squeezing his hand). They it might a take a year for the blood in his head to absorb. We still don’t know if he has had brain damage or not. Last Saturday was tough, he didn’t look good and I thought he was going to die soon. He has improved a little since then, his vital signs are better. I wish I knew how this was going to end. If you pray, please keep praying for my family and my father. Thank you.
Slow progress is still progress. I hope to God he continues to improve.
No answer to the e-mail, sent I around noon. Another fucking attack. I did manage to cry a little after it, and during it, I was sweating. My mother even noticed how I appeared frazzled, sweaty, and altogether not right, though I passed it off as being out of shape. I guess that feeling better was a short-lived victory. I have to go back to work tomorrow too, and retail is a stressful job. I don’t know how I’ll manage another attack, especially during work, and parity lad given how one of the people who works on weekends is stressful to work with. All of these barriers and stuff I’ve set up in my mind seem too fragile. The thought of having to always live with this is frightening, but I guess it’s a reality I’m going to have to face. I suppose I was too complacent in thinking I was “better.” I actually feel like it’s ebbed a little bit right now, but it can come back in ages minutes if it wants to. I’m just getting sick of this; I’m gonna die from the anxiety and obsessiveness, oh look, I feel a little better, it comes back again. I’m tired of fighting and losing. Can’t even win by giving up. It’s just so crippling.
I’ve had scattered panic attacks throughout my life, a few this bad, but mercifully rarely this bad. I am mildly worried that I’m self-diagnosing, especially regarding the OCD symptoms, but whatever it is, I want it to fucking stop. Hopefully Dr. #2 will answer this e-mail, if not, third try will be calling, and then I’ll have to hunt elsewhere.
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