I like it.
If I were asked to edit this text (which I do professionally), I would question whether the word “military” is necessary when describing the energy shields.
I’d also ask about the need to call Ventress “a priority target.”
Both of those details could be inferred from the context and just make the sentences wordier.
Grammatically (especially if you remove the “priority target” phrase), you should add a comma before ASAJJ VENTRESS. The comma would make it clear that she is Dooku’s assassin (the only one). Without the comma, the technical meaning is that she is one of his potentially many assassins.
That’s as nitpicky as I can be. Every version of the text has been an improvement over the previous, and as it stands now, it’s quite good.
Lovely detail, thanks!
I had just deleted ‘military’, to replace it with ‘powerful’, but then went back to ‘military’ again. I know the context is there, but this season I really want to emphasise that the Separatist’s attacks are against really sensible military targets, and that they’re targeting them all as a matter of real strategic priority. This adds threat to the Separatists and our villains, that the first season of the show really suffered from. The word ‘military’ was the most explicit way to convey, well, the military theme to the season, in the context of this episode.
Ventress being ‘a priority target’ was also a late addition. My entirely new context for these scenes, which wasn’t present in the original episodes, was that Ventress has drawn them away (whilst jammed) so that the Republic force doesn’t detect or disrupt the landing of the large Separatist fleet. This adds competency to her character, and adds to the episode’s main threat. Making it explicit that the Republic now “fear invasion” but that Obi-Wan and Anakin have really had to drop their duties to pursue her, I think gives the viewer the best possible shot at putting two and two together.
I think I’m OK with leaving it ambiguous how many assassins Dooku has. In my mind he has a whole bunch of non-force assassins, whom he hires as he needs to, but only one capital-A ASSASSIN. I think it’s flexible enough to not be vital, and that adding a comma there leaves you with a few too many in that sentence (“Dooku’s Assassin, Asajj Ventress, a priority target…”).
I know I’ve effectively just said “Yeah nah” to all of your suggestions, but I still really appreciate being challenged in this way, as it forces me to think through my priorities in greater detail, so please do keep this up!