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EddieDean

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Post
#1454231
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

That’s really useful insight Paja, thanks!

Anyway folks, apologies for the confusion last week, I was on holiday and didn’t get things quite right.

Either way, now for real:

Workprint released - s01e04 - Assassin (v2.0)

The episode formerly known as Cloak of Darkness.

It’s a trimmed and polished version of the trimmed and polished original edit, with a few suggested tweaks such as reordering of the opening scenes, tighter dialogue, and slightly tighter characterisation. In context we’re interrogating Nute Gunray to get Grievous’ location, which makes it far more compelling than the original as it ties into what we’ve established as the key thrust of the first half of season one, and will be paid off next episode.

I’m interested in your feedback as ever!

All actual edits are final, but I’m still just calling this a workprint for now, as I need to source a few more bits of audio:

  • Ahsoka shouting “Assassin” at Ventress when she ignites her blades against her (I can probably source this from the actual episode originally called Assassin)
  • Anakin saying “Ahsoka” softly, to replace “I’m sorry Master”/“It’s OK, Snips”, becuase I don’t feel like ‘Snips’ is quite right in that context.
  • A slightly better fitting (more final/punctual) “You” for Ventress’ “Skywalker’s not here to save you.”

Shouldn’t take long to finish off, though if any of you know of good sources of that audio I’d be appreciative.

As an aside, with the news that Hayden might appear in the Ahsoka show, I guess the fire’s really lit under me to keep the pace up for this show now!

Post
#1454025
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Excellent, thanks Paja! I haven’t changed much of the original order at all, but have some questions!

  • Did you feel, in this batch, like the Maul content worked as standalone episodes, or would you rather have merged it?
  • Same question for the whole show.
  • Did the Mortis arc feel like it belonged here, as a dark hint at things to come? Or did it feel like it belonged earlier?
  • Did Scipio feel like an appropriate first episode after Ahsoka’s fall, or would another have served better? (There is no episode where Anakin outright addresses it emotionally)
  • Did the first Yoda episode feel like it should have been merged with the later three?
  • Did you watch the Son of Dathomir audio comic? Did you think it was necessary? Good?
Post
#1453255
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Oh man, looks like I failed to send my last message!

Workprint released - s01e04 - Assassin (v2.0)

The episode formerly known as Cloak of Darkness.

It’s just a trimmed and polished version of the trimmed and polished original edit, with a few suggested tweaks such as reordering of the opening scenes, tighter dialogue, and slightly tighter characterisation. In context we’re interrogating Nute Gunray to get Grievous’ location, which makes it far more compelling than the original.

This isn’t the final release version, as I need to source a few more bits of audio:

  • Ahsoka shouting “Assassin” at Ventress (I can probably source this from the actual episode originally called Assassin)
  • Anakin saying “Ahsoka” softly, to replace “I’m sorry Master”/“It’s OK, Snips
  • A couple lesser ones I forget right now.

But hey, all the actual cuts are final if anyone wants to review this version.

Post
#1452945
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Turns out I did get a little extra time, so I’ll get a workprint of this episode out.

Anyway, having reviewed all your comments guys, I’ve refreshed the crawl. I can’t include all of your suggestions since I’m limited on space, so often tighter words and phrasing is key. But I went through all your notes and commentary for your intents. I also modified a little more in the second half. It now reads:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • Having safely escorted the Duchess Satine off Mandalore, Anakin and Obi-Wan rejoin the clone fleet searching for General Grievous.
  • Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the Malevolence attack plan had been leaked to Count Dooku, and now fears Separatist spies.
    — new page —
  • The traitor NUTE GUNRAY, while attempting to sell the planet Ryloth’s military secrets, has been captured by Master LUMINARA UNDULI.
  • Escorting him to trial, Luminara has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to learn Grievous’ location and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow such information to fall into enemy hands…

I changed the first main para from protecting the Duchess from Death Watch to escorting the Duchess off Mandalore. That was the key there, since it was what brought Anakin into the new situation, and it emphasises the importance of protecting the Duchess for the sake of Mandalore’s independence. It’s also important to say the word ‘Mandalore’ as much as possible, to keep that plotline prominent.

Calling Nute a traitor is the most correct and valuable descriptor for him, since he was a Republic trader (the Trade Federation is Republic and the Naboo blockade was a civil dispute) but has now turned Separatist (and is no longer associated with the Trade Federation, currently pretending to have gone straight). It also tells us he’s a Separatist without us needing that word.

I’m not quite sure about “Luminara has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray”, though, since I don’t know why she’d want Ahsoka’s help. I’d like to reformat that so she’s more the stand-in teacher for Anakin, while covering the same beats (and the same spacing). Though at a push, I suppose the fact that she’s escorting him to trial isn’t vital to the plot, plus it’s covered in dialogue.

Anyway, I should get a workprint out shortly. It’s missing a couple of changes to audio I’d like to make, but it’ll be worth the review.

Post
#1452555
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Hopefully get a quick turnaround on my s01e04 ASSASSIN (v2.0), as it doesn’t need much work. Bear in mind this episode is NOT the original episode called Assassin (where Ahsoka protects Padmé from Aurra Sing), and instead this episode is Cloak of Darkness with only light changes. I’m calling it ASSASSIN to help direct the viewer’s attention to a major character, and because ‘Cloak of Darkness’ was always a bit guff.

Now that I’ve restructured the first half of the first season, this episode fits in a place where it gives and takes context from the surrounding episodes.

So here’s my current idea for the crawl:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • The Republic have learned the the Malevolence assault plan was leaked to Count Dooku, leading to fears of Separatist infiltration.
  • Having safely protected Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the main clone fleet in its hunt for Grievous.

— new page —

  • The traitor NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending Ryloth’s military secrets to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to prison.
  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help guard Gunray, as they hope to learn the location of Grievous, and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands…

In this context:

  • The villains are correctly used: Dooku strategises and directs the others, Grievous is his huge military asset, Ventress is his surgical specialist, and Nute Gunray is a lesser military leader.
  • In Malevolence, Dooku somehow knew about the incoming assault and told Grievous about it. It was never explained how he knew this. In Cloak of Darkness, we see a Republic guard turned traitor for cash. I think it’s worth playing up the infiltration angle, because it ties up two potentially loose ends, but also because having this much infiltration early seems pretty powerful for our villains. It never gets massively developed in the show, though there are other traitors, most notably Pong Krell, so it adds a little value to attribute that all to Dooku the strategist.
  • I had to mention Anakin and Obi-Wan’s absence so I’ve tied it to the context of finishing up their Mandalore story (using the opportunity to remind the viewer that the Republic should fear a Mandalorian-Separatist alliance, and emphasising why it was important they leave the Grievous hunt to do that), and tied them into the next episode’s Grievous hunt, which wraps up this half-season.
  • I also mention Ryloth here. Our episode s01e06 will be the Ryloth episode, where another Neimoidian has taken Ryloth’s skies, so there’s an opportunity to tie it back to here - perhaps Nute Gunray had some intel he was able to give to Mar Tuuk.
  • The next paragraph sets up this episode, and highlights that the location of Grievous might be known by Gunray, explaining why Dooku’s sent Ventress to rescue or kill him, and tying in to this half-season’s plot.
Post
#1452421
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Cheers Cabijista, great to have you with us!

It has been quite a mammoth project, for sure! Luckily it grew over time and I’ve been able to develop and revise my plans as the strategy changed. I have a little less time lately but I’m glad I’ve still been able to find enough time to make some progress at least! I’m completely committed to getting through the whole thing.

Your feedback is VERY welcome, and it’ll be awesome to have it per episode if you’re up for it! Timed with my current re-releases would be awesome but I’ll take whatever you can give!

Your suggestion about Dark Force Rising is a good one. I hadn’t scrutinised Tartakovsky’s miniseries too much because I suppose I’d always treated it as something other, but now that it’s more officially included I should think about that! I’ll review your idea more closely soon!

Post
#1452280
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Thanks Vranir! With respect, as ever, I don’t think I’ll take on any of these particular changes since they’re more subjective and personal, rather than fixing things that are explicitly broken or bad. As a rule I tend to leave most dialogue alone unless I absolutely have to, functionally because the character work is usually well thought through (when it’s not just padding scenes), and technically because small trims like that can have an impact on the flow of the music behind it and leave a choppy feeling even if the viewer doesn’t consciously notice.

(I’m happy to talk through any of the points above that you think are particularly worthy, though! My decisions are never final enough that I want to shut down discussion.)

That said, like always, I really appreciate the level of thought you put into this analysis, and I certainly wouldn’t want you to stop thinking through episodes in this way!

Post
#1452182
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Re-Released - s01e03 - THE DUCHESS OF MANDALORE (v2.0)

Our third episode of the season (formerly our second, but I’ve shifted the first season around and it fits better here).
Comprising the original episodes THE MANDALORE PLOT and VOYAGE OF TEMPTATION, featuring Obi-Wan and Satine on Mandalore, Concordia, and the Coronet ship. But notably NOT including any content from the original episode titled DUCHESS OF MANDALORE, featuring Obi-Wan and Satine on Coruscant.
Now brought up to my more polished 2.0 standard.
Running 37 minutes.
Download link in the tracker spreadsheet, PM me for access.

This is a really strong arc, so this edit is more of a gentle tightening than anything radical. The most major change is some very careful recutting to remove Obi-Wan getting put on a super goofy Bond villain’s production line OF DEATH, while still getting the characters from A to B. I also removed the small spider droids, which added nothing to the plot, whilst preserving the larger assassin spiders. Instead the story plays out as:

  • In the intro text we establish that Mandalore is formerly warlike, and now is a peaceful entity leading the Neutral systems in order to preserve their independence from the Republic-Separatist war. I also emphasise the threat of a Separatist-Mandalorian alliance being a real concern to the Republic (a plot thread which will continue through the entire show.) Placed here in the chronology we also establish that the republic is urgently pursuing Grievous (a plot thread that will continue for a few episodes), and so Anakin has escorted Ahsoka back to Coruscant, leaving Obi-Wan to investigate this new crisis solo.
  • We open with Obi-Wan arriving on Mandalore then continue as in the original with some Satine exposition, the bombing, the trip to Concordia, and Obi-Wan going to investigate the mines while Satine dines with Pre Viszla.
  • Then, Obi-Wan gets in the fight with the Mandalorians but we don’t see him captured, and we don’t see him on the conveyor. He calls Satine for backup (after seeing their armour, so he’s not knowingly drawing her into danger), then she comes in, distracts the guards, but then gets grabbed, as Obi-Wan springs from high up to save her.
  • After the main Obi-Wan/Pre Visla fight, I add a scene (from Assassin originally) where Anakin leaves Coruscant to help escort Satine from Mandalore (since that crisis now needs extra help and he’s not yet rejoined the hunt for Grievous), and Ahsoka complains about having to stay and study. This achieves a few goals: Having Ahsoka in the episode (since she’s our show’s main character), explaining future absences, adding useful pacing, and hinting early at a few continuing plot threads.
  • We then conclude the Mandalore Plot content with Anakin joining the pair to escort them all to Coruscant, which flows nicely into the Voyage of Temptation content.
  • I preserve the majority of the good dialogue from the Coronet, but we skip all of the early scenes of spiderbots in the basement of the ship, focusing on the relationships and the backstory. Eventually they go for dinner, but Anakin is called downstairs as some clones have gone missing. We then get the single scene of the Clone being puppeted by the large spiderbot.
  • Anakin calls up to Obi-Wan that one’s got loose - but as Obi-Wan kills it, we skip the scenes of the baby spiders entirely, with a clean cut to Merrik taking her hostage - he’s now just taking advantage of the chaos (since his plan’s been interrupted by the Jedi anyway) rather than waiting to be caught. Everything then plays out the same.
Post
#1452169
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Right, I think I’ve nailed the inclusion of the extra scene in Duchess of Mandalore that I was working on. It took a suprising amount of audio work.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1haU-GGxwf-4uz1cUYYrl441CKYI1ZNxh/view?usp=sharing

As much as I’d have liked to include the shots of Ahsoka studying, they just weren’t interesting enough, they didn’t give us anything that the scene of her talking to Anakin also gave us. They were far too sedate - which only worked in the original episode I took those shots from because they were broken up with her dramatic visions. But in this context they just would have slowed us right down.

Instead, the focus is on Anakin being called away. There’re a few nice things with having this scene here:

  1. As discussed, we get Ahsoka in this episode, both keeping her in mind (she’s TCW:R’s main character) AND helping to justify future absences.
  2. Anakin and Ahsoka acknowledge that she “learns more in the field than from studying”. This is a great acknowledgment that, like Anakin, Ahsoka is one of the few Jedi who doesn’t adhere too closely to Jedi dogma. We know that Jedi dogma is one of the reasons for its stangancy and fall, and we’ll also come to see that Ahsoka’s independence is one of the reasons she becomes such a great Jedi (or perhaps simply a non-Jedi lightside force user) in future. This is a nice acknowledgment of both paths.
  3. Ahsoka is “uneasy”, and worries about “not having Anakin’s back”. Later in this episode, Anakin “brands himself a cold-blooded killer”, and with this scene now it works as light foreshadowing of what’ll happen to Anakin without Ahsoka’s moderating influence.
  4. Anakin tells her to “stay out of trouble”, in this context acknowleding her brashness as seen in the last couple of episodes, a plotline which’ll continue through this season.
  5. It also gives us some pacing between the preceding scene (Obi-Wan and Satine have fled the Death Watch on Concordia back to Mandalore) and the following one (The Death Watch are now believed to have have themselves fled Concordia).

So while it’s perhaps odd to just have a little flash of Ahsoka in an otherwise non-Ahsoka episode, I think it serves us nicely like this, and helps justify the movement of this episode earlier in the chronology. And there are other episodes which only have a flash of certain characters.

I’ve just got to tighten up the opening audio for the episode and then get this baby uploaded.

Post
#1451975
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Yes, I think that ending on Anakin flying away is best for the transition, and better than trying to improve the music out of the low-energy scene of Ahsoka snoozing.

Ideally I’ll keep the scene of Ahsoka actually studying, so we have the visual for that, but perhaps they should be flipped, starting with an establishing shot of night, studying, and then intercutting the two scenes with an establishing shot of day, before Anakin leaves. Maybe the day change should be a fade into and out of black. This would best give the Mandalore story time to progress offscreen, and also let us see Ahsoka’s frustration before asking to leave with Anakin.

But failing that I’ll just use the scene where Anakin leaves Ahsoka.

Post
#1451973
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

This isn’t quite right yet, but let me know what you guys think.

This is some scenes and shots from Assassin, now used to show Ahsoka back on Coruscant. I’ve put it during the largest time jump, between Satine and Obi-Wan escaping Pre Viszla on Concordia, and them them leaving Mandalore with Anakin for Coruscant via the Coronet.

This would be the only Ahsoka scene, unless I cut her snoozing in the desk and place that earlier, though it’d end up very short that way.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1W-ySDUiEfHwDhVffTW7sitvrlssRQy-U/view?usp=sharing

But it’s not quite right, and I could do with some extra eyes and ears on it.

Post
#1451971
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

It’s certainly an option I’ve teased myself with, but I won’t pick it up until long after I’m done with this project. With Rebels it would be less radical. Probably a group watchthrough and analysis, leading to the removal of some episodes and scenes, and some reinclusion of any good scenes from cut episodes.

Post
#1451967
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Cheers Knight, hope your studies are going well!

Perhaps we end up with something like this…

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • As the Republic’s war against the Separatists spreads across the galaxy, thousands of worlds still refuse to take sides in the conflict.
  • Having rejected its warlike past, the ravaged planet MANDALORE now leads the Council of Neutral Systems, to preserve their independence.
    — new page —
  • With the Malevolence destroyed, the clone army hunts for Grievous, and Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies.
  • Meanwhile a MANDALORIAN WARRIOR has attacked a Republic cruiser, sparking fears of a secret Mandalorian alliance with Count Dooku.
  • Obi-Wan must investigate alone, starting with an old friend…
Post
#1451888
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

Thanks again Vranir, good thoughts!

vranir said:
I like the first version better, but I do like the final line of the second.

Noted!

Other thoughts:
“refuse to take sides” > “refuse to take a side”

Surely sides? Since there are many neutral systems, and each might individually take a different side, as we see in the show.

“the Council of Neutral Systems” > “a COUNCIL OF NEUTRAL SYSTEMS”

Could do. By capitalising here we’re sort of saying it’s the focus of the episode (or the show at large), which it kind of is, though not as importantly as Mandalore.

I want to steer clear of the risk of confusion with the Confederacy of Independent Systems…

“to preserve their peace” > “to preserve the peace” (but is it really even “preserving” at this point?)

The peace I’m referring to here (but perhaps failing to make clear) is the peace belonging to the neutral systems. Therefore it’s THEIR peace they want to preserve through neutrality, not THE peace (which I’d read as being the Galaxy’s). But perhaps I need to convey that in a different choice of words.

I’m trying to convey that the neutral systems want to keep out of the war, so they’ve formed their council.

(I like my wording that implies that Mandalore was chosen to lead the council due to their commitment to abandon their own warlike ways due to the cost it had to their planet.)

I could maybe replace peace with independence, though.

I definitely don’t like “after destroying his flagship.” If you want the context in version 2, maybe use “With the Malevolence destroyed, the clone army hunts for Grievous, while Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies.”

That sounds sensible, I can try tidier versions of that.

Is there room to change “Now” to “Meanwhile?” But then it might sound too much like the “while” in the prior sentence.

It might be a bit tight, but I could perhaps just drop “Now,” and leave it as it originally was, “A MANDALORIAN WARRIOR”

Should the Attack on the Republic cruiser be shown briefly at the start of the episode, much like the battle with the Malevolence was shown at the start of the prior episode? Or would that be creating too much of a pattern, where something happens, then we go investigate it?

No option here! It wasn’t shown in the episode, only in hologram shown by Obi-Wan early on.

Post
#1451871
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

So here’s the current crawl(s) for our episode s01e03, THE DUCHESS OF MANDALORE. (This is my episode with Obi-Wan and Satine on Mandalore and the Coronet ship, NOT the original episode titled ‘DUCHESS OF MANDALORE’, which is set on Coruscant.)

This episode is all polished up to 2.0 standards for opening, closing, and transitions, with a fixed shot so the spider bot doesn’t suddenly disappear. I just have to improve the opening transition, insert the Ahsoka shots, and check one bit of audio, then it should be ready for QC and release.

This episode immediately follows the Malevolence episode, which ended with Grievous’ flagship destroyed, and Grievous fleeing. Bear in mind, for context, that I’m going to treat the pursuit of Grievous as a mini-focus for the first half of the season, with the next episode (s01e04) featuring Ahsoka fighting Ventress (while Anakin and Obi-Wan pursue Grievous), before the following episode (s01e05) has Ventress and Grievous attack the Kamino cloning facility.

This episode doesn’t originally feature Ahsoka, but I’m going to add some scenes of her studying on Coruscant here, to give her a little presence early on where it’s more important, keep the beginning of the show consistent, and also to explain why she doesn’t appear in all episodes.

Crawl Option 1 (slightly more emphasising Mandalore)

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • As the Republic’s war against the Separatists spreads across the galaxy, thousands of worlds still refuse to take sides in the conflict.
  • Having rejected its warlike past, the ravaged planet MANDALORE now leads the Council of Neutral Systems, to preserve their peace.
  • Now, a MANDALORIAN WARRIOR has attacked a Republic cruiser, sparking fears of a secret Mandalorian alliance with Count Dooku.
  • As the clone army hunts for Grievous, Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies, leaving Obi-Wan to investigate alone.
  • But his old friend SATINE may prove more than he can handle…

THE CLONE WARS
THE DUCHESS OF MANDALORE

Crawl Version 2 (slightly more emphasising the season’s context)

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • As the Republic’s war against the Separatists spreads across the galaxy, thousands of worlds still refuse to take sides in the conflict.
  • Having rejected its warlike past, the ravaged planet MANDALORE now leads the Council of Neutral Systems, to preserve their peace.
  • As the clone army hunts for Grievous after destroying his flagship, Anakin returns Ahsoka to the Jedi temple to continue her studies.
  • Now, a MANDALORIAN WARRIOR has attacked a Republic cruiser, sparking fears of a secret Mandalorian alliance with Count Dooku.
  • Obi-Wan must investigate alone, starting with his old friend SATINE…

THE CLONE WARS
THE DUCHESS OF MANDALORE

Post
#1451848
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [FOUR episodes upgraded to v2.0, 3/5 seasons released to v1.0]
Time

CMMAP said:

Just a fun fact: everytime, literally eveytime i just watch the whole credits for the sake of the musical composition:)

I’m doing more editing now and reminded again how pleased I am that I lined up the ‘John Williams’ credit with just the moment when the original theme kicks in and swells.