not sure if i should be posting this here or in the bitching thread, but here goes:
first of all i should provide some backstory. summing it all up: i love this girl, and i’ve been loving her for a while now. thing is, we were in a relationship before and i fucked up pretty bad. i stopped answering her phone calls and her text messages, stopped talking to her. and she was extremely sad about it, she wasn’t expecting it. i had my reasons, but damn it, i fucked up bad. once i realized that, i went crawling back to her. what happened was she gave me a second chance and the relationship was stable and perfect once again. then… the same thing happened. for the same reasons. i started ignoring her again and acted like a dick.
so basically what’s happening now is, she’s giving me a third chance. third time’s a charm. but this time, i feel like i truly love her. like, for real, i love her with all my heart. i loved her with all my heart the other two times as well, but i feel as if i didn’t want to admit that to myself then. now i do, and i’m pouring my heart and soul into the relationhip. and because of that, i’ve never been happier and she’s just the brightest spot in my currently happy life.
or at least that’s how things go 50% of the time.
the rest of the time is a bit of a pain for me. i’m constantly afraid of losing her, not to someone else, but because of me, because of my demons. not only that but she doesn’t trust in me comitting to a relationship with her anymore - given the recent events between us. so i’m trying extremely hard for things to work out nicely and that has been exhausting me. but i feel like it’s the least i can do;
i’m not jealous, mind you, but i’m just so afraid of losing her. this time our relationship is different. it’s not that purely happy thing anymore. i’m not even sure if she still likes me, or if she wants this. i really don’t know and i’ve been suffering because of that.
another thing is that she’s basically a better version of me. we like the same stuff, we like doing the same stuff, but she’s better at everything. i try comparing myself to her, because i admire the f out of her, but i always end up in the same situation - thinking i suck. and that has been killing me. i always think i’m not enough for her - which is true in several ways (even though she insists i am enough for her).
i don’t know guys. i just feel bad. i feel like i’m not enough for her, like i don’t do nearly as many things to help her as she does to help me, like i could lose her at any point during the day. i’m 100% commited, i’m on her hands. she decides wether she keeps this going or not. like, really. and it feels weird to be on someone else’s hand, and it feels bad when you know that 3 words from that person could destroy your world.
so yeah, that’s pretty much it. i’m scared guys. very scared.