Bingowings

Hi fellas. Progress update. Last Wednesday I came back from the South of Englandshire. I hadn’t slept much for days worried how things would turn out. It’s quite a long journey back on the train 7ish hours so very tired. My now ex partner pressed me for details so I told him about the mental health problems and that I had to leave him if I were to get better. He was sober to start with was very apologetic. Got progressively drunk and tearful and asked me to stay and talked about leaving me his money in his will and feeling suicidal. I managed to steer him to his bedroom to sleep it off. The next day was my first day at work. When I got home my now ex was spending the night in Edinburgh with someone else. So I tried to cheer myself up by using social media.The silence got to me and the magnitude of what I had just done had got to me and I noticed something. The people I know on Twitter with a mental health background or training all had me on mute. Including people I considered friends. Real friends responded and a few random strangers but not these particular people who know what’s been going on. I felt very let down and humiliated. And I found myself looking at a packet of sedatives and thinking I could take half of one and sleep or take all of them and sleep. Thankfully those that did answer helped me decide the right course. But despite sedation I only got a couple of hours sleep. Next morning I had to go to work. I felt like a zombie. I had to take long bus journey and on the way I had a complete meltdown. Uncontrollable tears on a mostly full bus and nobody asked if I was okay. Just ignored. When the ex got home he decided that it would be for the best if he got an extension built to the house so I could have space. I reminded him that I was leaving. The next day I checked a couple of flats in Glasgow. I picked one and paid the holding fee. Letting a flat is much more complicated than it was so I need to get credit checks and references together. So I had to go through the weekend in the same house as my ex and the drinking resumed as did the shouting and the muttering of obscenities as he passed my bedroom door. As before help came not from the people I expected to help but from others. Fast forward to today. I called one of our volunteers at work to try and get some forms filled. She has bipolar disorder and I discovered she has been detained in hospital over Christmas and New year. So my first thought is to visit her. Then I think a card from everyone at the office would be a nice touch and might lift her spirits. So I get one and circulate it. And there is this one chap and he is umming and arring about signing the card because he doesn’t know her well. Bear in mind this is for a lady who gave the office a huge box of chocolates for Christmas with no stipulation as to who should or shouldn’t eat them. She’s got a known mental health problem and she’s in a mental health ward and the guy is our mental first aider and one of the people muting me knowing my problems. So I just felt really let down there. I got him to sign the thing under duress and went to visit her. She loved the card regardless she looked withdrawn and distant when I arrived and really perked up by the time I left. When I got home my ex was very helpful and supportive so that was better. TLDR I am single, I have a flat sorted. And I’m a bit wiser about who my friends are.

I saw it.
It’s a real mess.
I guess every flaw has been rolled over on the previous pages but the biggest problem for me is I felt no sense of engagement (maybe a bit with the Rey/Ren story thread). The plot had no forward momentum.
The characters learned nothing inspirational. It’s really badly edited, very jumpy.
It’s as flat and dull as any of the prequels. In fact I felt much more invested in what was going on watching ROTS than I did watching this thing.
Maybe after three decades of abuse it’s time to divorce myself from Star Wars.
I think I may have finally got too old to care about it.
Flying Frozen Leia and Crazy Ghost Yoda Puppet were so bizarre I thought I was watching something RLM put together.

Laura Dern’s hair was nice though.
Funny how with the amount of destruction caused by two ships colliding at hyperspeed nobody seemed to think about doing that during other battles or designing a hyperdrive torpedo that would have the same effect.

If our mistakes are our best teachers it’s taught me not to get too hung up over these things.
I used to love you Star Wars.
You filled my heart with wonder and filled my house with junk.
Now it’s time to say
goodbye… for a couple of years… probably.

Sorry to worry you folks.
I’m down visiting friends and family down south and while I have had some bleak moments (particularly activated someone I have begun to be rather stupidly keen on seems to be actively ignoring me for reasons yet to be known) and my tics have become almost comically uncontrollable, I had a small triumph in that a very nice (possibly too young man) got very keen on me the other night. It was kind of mystifying but nice while it lasted. It didn’t go beyond kissing but it showed me that someone likes what I have to offer and that’s a step in the right direction even if he will be hundreds of miles away. As Cole Porter put it : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Nxgc3zb7VE
Still dreading my return both to home and work. The support group I’ve been consulting seem to be not answering email either and now I have this added worry about if work is going to be made uncomfortable by uncomfortable silences. But for the time being mostly better than okay.

Thanks for the kind words. Got a case of the Morbs at the moment but nothing too serious.

Someone is bound to love this awful thing : https://youtu.be/IgPgavmY99U

I had my first counseling session on Tuesday. It was pretty awful. I thawed out 47 years of suppressed weird misery. After a few minutes I had to stop looking at the counsellor because she was out of her depth. I don’t think she’d heard anything quite like it. And if I started to moderate my story to what her body language was saying I’d never get it out. The poor woman her hands were shaking as she took my money. And there I was. On the street with several tonnes of emotional permafrost melted and I had to get bus home and get more drunken abuse. But it did cure my tics for about 36hours. They then came back with gusto when I had my clandestine meeting with a domestic abuse prevention chap. I may get some assistance getting me the hell out of here. Got a new tic. I got to the location of the meeting earlier than I anticipated so I walked around the supermarket because it was the only thing open. There were these Batman toys on display. As I left the building I let out a yelp of " yay Batman!" I wish I could do it again. My partner is drunk downstairs and has spent much of the day texting me demanding my door key. I hate going home. I spend much of my time at work stressing about going home. Now have a weekend and everyone is telling me to have a good one. I will get through this but I really need a run of good luck and happiness because there hasn’t been much for a very long time. Sadly I don’t think the universe operates on a balanced tally system. I’m doing another couple of sessions before Christmas and after Christmas is when I blow the whistle on 16 years of mostly misery. God only knows how that will turn out. Not feeling very festive. I changed my Twitter name to Umjinglwings which is about as Christmassy as I can cope with at the moment.

I have a pal at work at he really feels bad about having what he feels is poor taste in music. True some of what he likes isn’t to my taste but I think he is being hard on himself. It struck me we could have a whiteboard and list guilty pleasures on it and point out the benile silliness of discrimination based on liking things that other people don’t. There is already a guilty pleasure thread and a so bad it’s good thread. This thread is to list recordings of songs that we feel are genuinely torturous, so bad that they should come with a health warning. If anyone likes them or loves them be brave quote the post and confess your love for the hated. So to get the bowels running my hated single is Doctor in Distress by the appropriately named Who Cares? It was an awareness raising single to try and prevent Doctor Who from being cancelled in the 80s. Money went to charity. All good and well BUT by Jingo is awful. Listen at your own risk. https://youtu.be/sJIDFsJE8GA if you like or… love this steaming pile, I’m not judging you.

I apologise for being in hermit mode myself. Sorry to read you are feeling low Warb. I hope things pick up for you soon. And it’s great that despite our troubles we are making good use of this space Ender constructed for us and we are breaking down the frequent misconception that these sorts of issues are rare or something to be ashamed of. Ash good friends don’t avoid friends when they are having a hard time. That’s when good friends step up to the plate and fill it with yummy beans on toast. My ticks have just got worse and worse. It’s effecting my work. But I have my first session with a counsellor on Tuesday and I’m taking professional relationship advice on Wednesday. It a really hard time. Saturday night I was constantly on the edge of tears, last night I was on caffeine free caffeine overdose, so hyperaware, jittery, quaking, shaking, racing thoughts. I never been in this state before so it’s all new and scary stuff. My soon to be ex-partner has gone from yelling at me to stop to becoming genuinely concerned for my health. It kind of helps but it it also makes things a bit difficult when it comes to implementing the changes I need to make. I’ve started looking for places to move to. Knowing that Christmas is soon and that once the decorations come down I have to man up and announce my intentions is adding pressure. I wish someone else could do it all for me to be honest but I can’t. Restless legs at night are making sleep difficult too. But help is on its way and I have a new pal at work who is going through something similar. As Leela used to say “if you are wounded, find a man with scars” so keep the thread going because there seems to be a lot of need for it at the moment. And we can all help each other by breaking down stigma.

This is quite recent

A. Duracell Love the Lene Lovich sig 😃
B. Those little metal bud things under Vader’s mask would look more disturbing if they went up his nose and presumably into what is left of his lungs. It would make the guy look a bit like the guild navigators in Lynch’ dune which is no bad thing as the design was pretty creepy. I prefer Vader without hair of any kind. and I would restore some of the redness around the eyes.

DuracellEnergizer said:

“I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe in the Tooth Fairy. But I don’t believe in you.”

^ ✓

I’ve made an appointment with my GP. People who advise people about mental health issues are often bad at taking their own advice. Felt better for making the call. Talked to my boss too. I couldn’t have a better job really for this situation. Meanwhile my twitching and ticks are getting much worse. Making some audible ones now. Random words, yelps. I was at a very important meeting the other day and had to sit on my hands because the tremors were so bad. I don’t feel as doomy though. Just wish I had the courage to be honest and open with my partner. I feel really bad cooking the dinner while contemplating arranging to dismantle our lives but with his SAD and Christmas coming up it’s just not the right time. It would be cruel and I never want to do that.

I was at a Multicultural Event held by our local Muslim Women’s Group yesterday. It was fantastic.

I have the Australian DVD set. It’s sufficient for my needs. I have multiple region free players and a 21inch telly so there isn’t anything significant that a Blu-ray set could offer me.

“Time will tell how much I love you.”

I just got around to seeing the pilot for Inhumans. It really is as bad as they say it is. I don’t know how I got through it. Part of me was ‘marvelling’ at the sheer awfulness. The dog is the only thing that made me sort of want to look at the screen. In a Facebook gif sort of way. Moon city that looks like a shopping centre and a Royal Family more loathsome than British one. Are they really meant to be worthy of our sympathy? Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh!

I’d touch you with a barge pole.

The slow response to your ex boss seems to be honest. I am not sure if you have any thoughts on the train station now that you can see how it works out for you. The future of this message was automatically generated.

I unprove this beard.

Wonder Woman.
Why?

Accidentally referred to Kevin Spacey as Stacey the other day… Oops!

I declare this thread to be officially gay. Not fabulously gay but the unethical abuse of authority gay. Top turn for public rooster abuse though.

“God isn’t interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how He spends His time! Forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!”

I’ve found myself feeling generally worried without any particular point of focus. I can’t sleep. My epileptic auras and ticks are becoming more noticeable. My stammering is beginning to return. I think out loud way too much and sometimes more loudly than I am comfortable with. I frequently start sentences and … <THAT

I think it could be that lots of my friends and family have more tangible problems and I am becoming aware that as time rolls forward and the canvas and frame of my face is becoming a bit more antique I might lose them.

My partner is particularly someone I worry about. His night terror attacks, heavy drinking and smoking are wearing me a bit thin. Especially now that I work quite a bit from home and while typing up reports in the night I hear these terrifying screams from his room. I want to help but I can’t force him to seek it and as much as I care I don’t know how much more of it I can take. If I left, which is something I constantly have considered for 15 years and something were to happen to him I would be utterly demolished. Then I feel guilty for turning his poor health into an issue of my own preservation.

It’s never been an easy relationship, when drunk he can be a very challenging presence and we haven’t been anything other than people who try to like each other and share a house for about ten years. We have separate rooms etc

I also worry that I have invested so much time with my life in it’s current mode that the bloom is somewhat of this particular rose. I am only 47 but with my own health problems and the low percentage of gay people in this neck of the woods my chances of building a new life may have already sneaked off down the pub and not come home.
Another vector in us staying together so long is that it makes financial sense. The mortgage is paid. The bills are easy to manage. If we broke up it would be very expensive and I would have to work much longer hours to keep a roof over my head. My partner is finding it impossible to find work at the moment. He feels that ageism is a factor, he is also very over-qualified in a market that likes to dangle skills incentives at younger, less expensive employees. He is angry all the time and much more so when drunk. He shouts and yells at the radio for hours at a go and while I sympathise it does set me on edge. Other times he be pretty supportive. Helping out with proof reading and that sort of thing. He looks amazing, he is 11 years older than me but looks younger than me.
I keep checking to see if he casts a reflection 😃

I don’t feel depressed. It’s just a sort of low hum of doom around my life at the moment. The whole political thing doesn’t help either. Maybe my mood will lift on its own. I have built up some savings on the off chance that if doesn’t. It’s good to vent though, it’s important to get some perspective.

It wasn’t brains that brought me here; I assure you that