Bingowings

Mrebo said:

Several years ago I was in a bad place. My work situation improved and that helped a lot. The mental part takes work even then. If it means doing something radical (I moved to a city where I only knew one person and took a low level job) or finding professional advice, it’s worth it if you are in a better place three years from now.

This is the situation I find myself in. I’m moving to Glasgow where I don’t know anyone really well and it’s the first time in my life I’m moving to A) a big city and B) a place I haven’t lived before in on my own. So there are layers of anxiety there but also the potential for a new start.

I’d have Leia die in the bridge explosion and remove her from the rest of the film. I’d remove Yoda. I’d have Luke burn the tree. Sensing Leia’s death would prompt Luke to confront Ren.

Warbler said:

Bingowings said:

I misjudged the situation with my co-worker. I waited for a private moment and raised the matter and I upset him while doing so to the point of making him tearful. I justly feel guilty and crappy for it and all the apologies in the world wouldn’t be enough to rectify how wrong I have been. He is a great guy and my current confused state is no excuse. I just hope to learn from the situation.

If you feel comfortable answering, how come he had you blocked?

He said he didn’t so I have to take him at his word but it doesn’t really add up but it’s not really important. What is important is I need no validation from the outside to defend what I am on the inside. I know this when I’m well but it can be the first thing to be forgotten when I’m not. This weekend is very strange. Cooked food for my ex and myself. Watched our favourite television shows but as soon as my character reference is printable the forms to let my new home will be sent. Strange is my new normal.

Handman said:

It’s shocking how all of my friends seem to care so little about me. I don’t know. I feel empty and alone.

For what it’s worth and I appreciate it’s not the same, but we are here. When you aren’t well it’s like looking into bathwater with baby oil on the surface. The whole view is distorted. Things that seem so insignificant when you are well are magnified and the truly important things are obscured and hard to make out. If your friends don’t notice your discomfort you might need to tell them about it as it might feel obvious to you but be utterly invisible to them. If after that they don’t care, well what sort of friends are they? Make new ones if you can but if it’s currently too exhausting, vent your woes elsewhere while whatever you need to do to get a purchase on the problem is kicking in. Life is short, stand as tall as you can and the best people will notice your courage.

I misjudged the situation with my co-worker. I waited for a private moment and raised the matter and I upset him while doing so to the point of making him tearful. I justly feel guilty and crappy for it and all the apologies in the world wouldn’t be enough to rectify how wrong I have been. He is a great guy and my current confused state is no excuse. I just hope to learn from the situation.

Collipso said:

Bingowings said:

Hi fellas. Progress update. Last Wednesday I came back from the South of Englandshire. I hadn’t slept much for days worried how things would turn out. It’s quite a long journey back on the train 7ish hours so very tired. My now ex partner pressed me for details so I told him about the mental health problems and that I had to leave him if I were to get better. He was sober to start with was very apologetic. Got progressively drunk and tearful and asked me to stay and talked about leaving me his money in his will and feeling suicidal. I managed to steer him to his bedroom to sleep it off. The next day was my first day at work. When I got home my now ex was spending the night in Edinburgh with someone else. So I tried to cheer myself up by using social media.The silence got to me and the magnitude of what I had just done had got to me and I noticed something. The people I know on Twitter with a mental health background or training all had me on mute. Including people I considered friends. Real friends responded and a few random strangers but not these particular people who know what’s been going on. I felt very let down and humiliated. And I found myself looking at a packet of sedatives and thinking I could take half of one and sleep or take all of them and sleep. Thankfully those that did answer helped me decide the right course. But despite sedation I only got a couple of hours sleep. Next morning I had to go to work. I felt like a zombie. I had to take long bus journey and on the way I had a complete meltdown. Uncontrollable tears on a mostly full bus and nobody asked if I was okay. Just ignored. When the ex got home he decided that it would be for the best if he got an extension built to the house so I could have space. I reminded him that I was leaving. The next day I checked a couple of flats in Glasgow. I picked one and paid the holding fee. Letting a flat is much more complicated than it was so I need to get credit checks and references together. So I had to go through the weekend in the same house as my ex and the drinking resumed as did the shouting and the muttering of obscenities as he passed my bedroom door. As before help came not from the people I expected to help but from others. Fast forward to today. I called one of our volunteers at work to try and get some forms filled. She has bipolar disorder and I discovered she has been detained in hospital over Christmas and New year. So my first thought is to visit her. Then I think a card from everyone at the office would be a nice touch and might lift her spirits. So I get one and circulate it. And there is this one chap and he is umming and arring about signing the card because he doesn’t know her well. Bear in mind this is for a lady who gave the office a huge box of chocolates for Christmas with no stipulation as to who should or shouldn’t eat them. She’s got a known mental health problem and she’s in a mental health ward and the guy is our mental first aider and one of the people muting me knowing my problems. So I just felt really let down there. I got him to sign the thing under duress and went to visit her. She loved the card regardless she looked withdrawn and distant when I arrived and really perked up by the time I left. When I got home my ex was very helpful and supportive so that was better. TLDR I am single, I have a flat sorted. And I’m a bit wiser about who my friends are.

Hello bingo. I’m unaware of who you are or what you’re really going through (besides of what you said in the post) because I’m new here. However I can see you’re a really nice person, and that alone would make me wish all and only the best for you. Given that you’re also going through hard times, those feelings that you should only get the best intensify. I’m not religious, but I’ll pray for you. I truly hope things get better for you, and they will. Really.
Hope you, and everything, get better to you.

Thanks Collapso.
It’s a big step to move on my own to a pretty big city where I know almost nobody. So I’m pretty nervous anyway and I’m already aware of my deficiencies. I don’t need them reinforced by someone at work who is young enough to my child for heaven’s sake. It’s 2:40am and I still can’t sleep and I have work in the morning with this chap. Part of me wants to find out what’s going on and ask him but another part of me wants to keep my dignity intact.

TV’s Frink said:

Join date
22-Jul-2009

…at age 35…hahahahaha.

I was 39 when I started. Now I’m 32. (47)

Warbler said:

Man, I am so sorry all that is happening to you, Bingo. Yet with all that happening, you still were able to give your coworker a lift in spirits. wow. I really hope things get better for you, Bingo. I’ll be praying.

Thanks Warb. It’s nice to be included in your conversation with the infinite. It’s greatly appreciated. As are all the messages of support on this thread and a certain secret agent over on twitter (you know who you are).

snooker said:

There’s other gay people here? Yay!

I seriously hope that everything goes well for you, and for everyone else on this board.

There’s alot of it about, whatever your it is 😃

[suspiciouscoffee said:
In other news, I’ve suddenly fallen pretty hard for a guy. He’s probably straight, but even if he isn’t, any relationship I pursue with him would result in my execution and subsequent trip to hell. I continue to daydream nonetheless, and hope God has mercy on my soul whenever I do die.

I wish you the best of luck because you never know, it might come to pass that he isn’t straight. It’s bloody awful falling for someone you suspect doesn’t feel the same way. Part of you wants to be optimistic and not be too hard on yourself but another part of you is just protecting you from humiliation and disappointnent
. My advice for what it’s worth is to be a great friend first and foremost. Never expect anything. And one day you will be astonished by someone who wants what you have to offer.

Hi fellas. Progress update. Last Wednesday I came back from the South of Englandshire. I hadn’t slept much for days worried how things would turn out. It’s quite a long journey back on the train 7ish hours so very tired. My now ex partner pressed me for details so I told him about the mental health problems and that I had to leave him if I were to get better. He was sober to start with was very apologetic. Got progressively drunk and tearful and asked me to stay and talked about leaving me his money in his will and feeling suicidal. I managed to steer him to his bedroom to sleep it off. The next day was my first day at work. When I got home my now ex was spending the night in Edinburgh with someone else. So I tried to cheer myself up by using social media.The silence got to me and the magnitude of what I had just done had got to me and I noticed something. The people I know on Twitter with a mental health background or training all had me on mute. Including people I considered friends. Real friends responded and a few random strangers but not these particular people who know what’s been going on. I felt very let down and humiliated. And I found myself looking at a packet of sedatives and thinking I could take half of one and sleep or take all of them and sleep. Thankfully those that did answer helped me decide the right course. But despite sedation I only got a couple of hours sleep. Next morning I had to go to work. I felt like a zombie. I had to take long bus journey and on the way I had a complete meltdown. Uncontrollable tears on a mostly full bus and nobody asked if I was okay. Just ignored. When the ex got home he decided that it would be for the best if he got an extension built to the house so I could have space. I reminded him that I was leaving. The next day I checked a couple of flats in Glasgow. I picked one and paid the holding fee. Letting a flat is much more complicated than it was so I need to get credit checks and references together. So I had to go through the weekend in the same house as my ex and the drinking resumed as did the shouting and the muttering of obscenities as he passed my bedroom door. As before help came not from the people I expected to help but from others. Fast forward to today. I called one of our volunteers at work to try and get some forms filled. She has bipolar disorder and I discovered she has been detained in hospital over Christmas and New year. So my first thought is to visit her. Then I think a card from everyone at the office would be a nice touch and might lift her spirits. So I get one and circulate it. And there is this one chap and he is umming and arring about signing the card because he doesn’t know her well. Bear in mind this is for a lady who gave the office a huge box of chocolates for Christmas with no stipulation as to who should or shouldn’t eat them. She’s got a known mental health problem and she’s in a mental health ward and the guy is our mental first aider and one of the people muting me knowing my problems. So I just felt really let down there. I got him to sign the thing under duress and went to visit her. She loved the card regardless she looked withdrawn and distant when I arrived and really perked up by the time I left. When I got home my ex was very helpful and supportive so that was better. TLDR I am single, I have a flat sorted. And I’m a bit wiser about who my friends are.

I saw it.
It’s a real mess.
I guess every flaw has been rolled over on the previous pages but the biggest problem for me is I felt no sense of engagement (maybe a bit with the Rey/Ren story thread). The plot had no forward momentum.
The characters learned nothing inspirational. It’s really badly edited, very jumpy.
It’s as flat and dull as any of the prequels. In fact I felt much more invested in what was going on watching ROTS than I did watching this thing.
Maybe after three decades of abuse it’s time to divorce myself from Star Wars.
I think I may have finally got too old to care about it.
Flying Frozen Leia and Crazy Ghost Yoda Puppet were so bizarre I thought I was watching something RLM put together.

Laura Dern’s hair was nice though.
Funny how with the amount of destruction caused by two ships colliding at hyperspeed nobody seemed to think about doing that during other battles or designing a hyperdrive torpedo that would have the same effect.

If our mistakes are our best teachers it’s taught me not to get too hung up over these things.
I used to love you Star Wars.
You filled my heart with wonder and filled my house with junk.
Now it’s time to say
goodbye… for a couple of years… probably.

Sorry to worry you folks.
I’m down visiting friends and family down south and while I have had some bleak moments (particularly activated someone I have begun to be rather stupidly keen on seems to be actively ignoring me for reasons yet to be known) and my tics have become almost comically uncontrollable, I had a small triumph in that a very nice (possibly too young man) got very keen on me the other night. It was kind of mystifying but nice while it lasted. It didn’t go beyond kissing but it showed me that someone likes what I have to offer and that’s a step in the right direction even if he will be hundreds of miles away. As Cole Porter put it : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Nxgc3zb7VE
Still dreading my return both to home and work. The support group I’ve been consulting seem to be not answering email either and now I have this added worry about if work is going to be made uncomfortable by uncomfortable silences. But for the time being mostly better than okay.

Thanks for the kind words. Got a case of the Morbs at the moment but nothing too serious.

Someone is bound to love this awful thing : https://youtu.be/IgPgavmY99U

I had my first counseling session on Tuesday. It was pretty awful. I thawed out 47 years of suppressed weird misery. After a few minutes I had to stop looking at the counsellor because she was out of her depth. I don’t think she’d heard anything quite like it. And if I started to moderate my story to what her body language was saying I’d never get it out. The poor woman her hands were shaking as she took my money. And there I was. On the street with several tonnes of emotional permafrost melted and I had to get bus home and get more drunken abuse. But it did cure my tics for about 36hours. They then came back with gusto when I had my clandestine meeting with a domestic abuse prevention chap. I may get some assistance getting me the hell out of here. Got a new tic. I got to the location of the meeting earlier than I anticipated so I walked around the supermarket because it was the only thing open. There were these Batman toys on display. As I left the building I let out a yelp of " yay Batman!" I wish I could do it again. My partner is drunk downstairs and has spent much of the day texting me demanding my door key. I hate going home. I spend much of my time at work stressing about going home. Now have a weekend and everyone is telling me to have a good one. I will get through this but I really need a run of good luck and happiness because there hasn’t been much for a very long time. Sadly I don’t think the universe operates on a balanced tally system. I’m doing another couple of sessions before Christmas and after Christmas is when I blow the whistle on 16 years of mostly misery. God only knows how that will turn out. Not feeling very festive. I changed my Twitter name to Umjinglwings which is about as Christmassy as I can cope with at the moment.

I have a pal at work at he really feels bad about having what he feels is poor taste in music. True some of what he likes isn’t to my taste but I think he is being hard on himself. It struck me we could have a whiteboard and list guilty pleasures on it and point out the benile silliness of discrimination based on liking things that other people don’t. There is already a guilty pleasure thread and a so bad it’s good thread. This thread is to list recordings of songs that we feel are genuinely torturous, so bad that they should come with a health warning. If anyone likes them or loves them be brave quote the post and confess your love for the hated. So to get the bowels running my hated single is Doctor in Distress by the appropriately named Who Cares? It was an awareness raising single to try and prevent Doctor Who from being cancelled in the 80s. Money went to charity. All good and well BUT by Jingo is awful. Listen at your own risk. https://youtu.be/sJIDFsJE8GA if you like or… love this steaming pile, I’m not judging you.

I apologise for being in hermit mode myself. Sorry to read you are feeling low Warb. I hope things pick up for you soon. And it’s great that despite our troubles we are making good use of this space Ender constructed for us and we are breaking down the frequent misconception that these sorts of issues are rare or something to be ashamed of. Ash good friends don’t avoid friends when they are having a hard time. That’s when good friends step up to the plate and fill it with yummy beans on toast. My ticks have just got worse and worse. It’s effecting my work. But I have my first session with a counsellor on Tuesday and I’m taking professional relationship advice on Wednesday. It a really hard time. Saturday night I was constantly on the edge of tears, last night I was on caffeine free caffeine overdose, so hyperaware, jittery, quaking, shaking, racing thoughts. I never been in this state before so it’s all new and scary stuff. My soon to be ex-partner has gone from yelling at me to stop to becoming genuinely concerned for my health. It kind of helps but it it also makes things a bit difficult when it comes to implementing the changes I need to make. I’ve started looking for places to move to. Knowing that Christmas is soon and that once the decorations come down I have to man up and announce my intentions is adding pressure. I wish someone else could do it all for me to be honest but I can’t. Restless legs at night are making sleep difficult too. But help is on its way and I have a new pal at work who is going through something similar. As Leela used to say “if you are wounded, find a man with scars” so keep the thread going because there seems to be a lot of need for it at the moment. And we can all help each other by breaking down stigma.

This is quite recent

A. Duracell Love the Lene Lovich sig 😃
B. Those little metal bud things under Vader’s mask would look more disturbing if they went up his nose and presumably into what is left of his lungs. It would make the guy look a bit like the guild navigators in Lynch’ dune which is no bad thing as the design was pretty creepy. I prefer Vader without hair of any kind. and I would restore some of the redness around the eyes.

DuracellEnergizer said:

“I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe in the Tooth Fairy. But I don’t believe in you.”

^ ✓

I’ve made an appointment with my GP. People who advise people about mental health issues are often bad at taking their own advice. Felt better for making the call. Talked to my boss too. I couldn’t have a better job really for this situation. Meanwhile my twitching and ticks are getting much worse. Making some audible ones now. Random words, yelps. I was at a very important meeting the other day and had to sit on my hands because the tremors were so bad. I don’t feel as doomy though. Just wish I had the courage to be honest and open with my partner. I feel really bad cooking the dinner while contemplating arranging to dismantle our lives but with his SAD and Christmas coming up it’s just not the right time. It would be cruel and I never want to do that.

I was at a Multicultural Event held by our local Muslim Women’s Group yesterday. It was fantastic.

I have the Australian DVD set. It’s sufficient for my needs. I have multiple region free players and a 21inch telly so there isn’t anything significant that a Blu-ray set could offer me.

“Time will tell how much I love you.”