I think that “Resistance militia” just sounds a little clumsy. I’d prefer either term by itself, and the common use of “the Resistence” in the movie means that it’s the term we have to keep.
Yup
ChatGPT helped a little. Thoughts on this take?
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENSIt is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, destined
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.Becoming restless with
endless debate in the
Senate, New Republic
leaders have secretly
armed a brave and daring
RESISTANCE to locate
the last Jedi, hoping to
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
Does anyone here have the high quality 1080p clip where Rey daydreams of the island while sitting in the desert with the Rebel helmet on? I can’t find it anywhere.
The name’s Lawson. Noah Lawson.
Does anyone here have the high quality 1080p clip where Rey daydreams of the island while sitting in the desert with the Rebel helmet on? I can’t find it anywhere.
Check your PMs.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
As far as the crawl goes, I think everyone was pretty happy with it a few days ago, apart from some wording tweaks, so I don’t think big changes are necessary. Just changing ‘striving’ and adding that the Republic has acted in secret are enough:
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Desperate to unite these
planets in RESISTANCE,
a militia armed in secret
by the New Republic has
sent its pilots in search of
the last Jedi, seeking to
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Perfect. I see nothing wrong with it. We can get the added context of some Senators being wary of action from the deleted scene with Leia.
😃
Hey @Nev, @JarJar made my point for me why I suggested changing from this:
Desperate to unite these
planets in RESISTANCE,
a militia armed in secret
by the New Republic has
sent its pilots in search of
the last Jedi, seeking to
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
To this:
Becoming restless with
endless debate in the
Senate, New Republic
leaders have secretly
armed a brave and daring
RESISTANCE to locate
the last Jedi, hoping to
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…
The problem with the paragraph as you have it now, it doesn’t explain why the New Republic has to have the Resistance be secretly created. By making clear that the Senate is in endless debate, and that some of the leaders are impatient and want to act, and are going around the system makes sense in the context of the movie. It explains the reintegrated deleted scene with Leia explaining that the Senate thinks she’s crazy, and Hux’s anger about how the New Republic leaders secretly support the Resistance.
The New Republic is described as fragile in the second paragraph, but how are they together enough to support a Resistance to counter the First Order threat? There needs to be something more. I think the new paragraph helps to sell that more.
I don’t want to seem pushy, just want to help if I can. Totally understand if you are fine with how it is, it is your edit after all! 😃
JEDIT: If you want to keep pilots in the last paragraph:
Becoming restless with
endless debate in the
Senate, New Republic
leaders have secretly
tasked pilots of a brave
RESISTANCE with locating
the last Jedi, hoping to
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
You’re not wrong. It just depends on how much we want to clearly set the stage in the crawl versus letting the audience figure these things out in the movie itself.
The problem I feel… is that if the Resistance being born out of the New Republic stalling on action against the First Order ISN’T included in the crawl, that just leads to confusion and questions as to why it isn’t just the New Republic that is searching for the map.
The original crawl states how Leia is desperate to find Luke and leads the Resistance. I feel like something is missing without that context leading into the movie.
That being said, I looked at the crawl again from V1.1 and made a few small tweaks, this should hopefully be my final crawl I ever write for TFA HAHA:
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENSIt is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.Restless from endless
debate in the Senate,
several leaders have
secretly formed a brave
RESISTANCE, and have
tasked its pilots to
find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
Does anyone here have the high quality 1080p clip where Rey daydreams of the island while sitting in the desert with the Rebel helmet on? I can’t find it anywhere.
Check your PMs.
Thanks, NeverarGreat!
The name’s Lawson. Noah Lawson.
Does anyone here have the high quality 1080p clip where Rey daydreams of the island while sitting in the desert with the Rebel helmet on? I can’t find it anywhere.
Check your PMs.
could I get this as well? it’s the first I’ve heard of it
I like you, let us burn things together.
PM Sent.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Would love a look at 1.1 please! Been following this project for years, it’s been a blast 😃
• Ahsoka - Feature-length Edit • Alien Resurrection Resurrected • 2049: EYE-MAX Edition • The Siege of Mandalore • Star Wars: The Last Skywalker Awakens • TRON: Legacy (ISO Edition) •
PM Sent.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
I really love Hal’s TFA Restructured Fanedit and I would really love to see this one. Could I get a link please?
PM Sent.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
I lied. @Nev, here is another one with some minor tweaks to the last version of paragraph 3 that you had:
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENSIt is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.Desperate to unite these
planets in RESISTANCE,
a brave militia, secretly
armed by New Republic
Leaders, has sent its
pilots in search of the
last Jedi, hoping to
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars….
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
I’m not convinced that a nine line final paragraph is needed.
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Against this rising threat,
a daring RESISTANCE
secretly aided by leaders
in the New Republic has
sent its greatest pilots
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
JEDIT: ‘of’ is now ‘in’.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
I would change “of the New Republic” to “in the New Republic”. There’s a very subtle difference there. Using “of” seems to imply that they are the main leaders there, whereas “in” could be any of the leaders regardless of status.
I agree JarJar. But very happy to say, I think we have a final contender!
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
For what it’s worth, I like “of” better.
I also recommend commas after “Resistance” and “New Republic” since it’s that’s an added phrase in the middle of the larger sentence.
I’ve changed it to ‘in’, but either way works for me.
Extra commas may be a bit more legible than no commas, but either way is grammatically correct I think, though I was trying to avoid them, however, because I wanted to avoid the dreaded ‘excess comma disease’ that tends to affect my writing, as this sentence so tediously demonstrates.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Well there aren’t many commas in the second paragraph and those in the first are using them in the same manner/way that the final paragraph would be. So, if nothing else, it would make the sentence structure more rhythmic and almost poetic.
Well, it would be wrong to remove the commas from the first paragraph, since they are actually required.
Thinking more, the reason it feels like there’s a need for commas is probably due to an over-complication of the clause. I think it would help matters to avoid mention of leaders in the Republic, since that’s getting too into the weeds. The important point is that the Republic is helping the Resistance, however fraught that help actually is. On the other hand, it feels like I need more specificity when referring to the New Republic, so I could say that it is armed by the Republic Starfleet, which is basically true. Poe was originally from there, and their ships are undoubtedly New Republic military in origin. It also gives a clear hint as to how it’s so obvious to the First Order that the New Republic is involved - they find Poe’s shiny New Republic X-wing on Jakku. Referencing the starfleet also helps to prime expectation for talk of pilots.
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Rallying against this evil,
a valiant RESISTANCE
armed in secret by the
New Republic Starfleet
has sent its daring pilots
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Or perhaps we should have something entirely different for the final paragraph:
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to reforge the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, soldiers of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Across this dark expanse,
only one valiant militia
stands in RESISTANCE,
its daring pilots secretly
entrusted by the Republic
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)