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Jokes thread : Reloaded
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, " I want to have sex with you right now. I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I will have sex with you from behind, and then be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the £500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That son-of-a-bitch had £500 in 20p coins!!!"

Jokes thread : Reloaded

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies,
"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Red Dwarf US pilot's
The US pilot and a couple of interviews and a documentary as to what happened with it, is on series 5 Red Dwarf region 2 dvd bonus disc. I havn't watched it yet myself, though other bonus material from the previous RD releases has some open and candid thoughts on what was good or not...

It may well be on the region 1 dvd too?
Jokes thread : Reloaded

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longerduring the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
Jokes thread : Reloaded

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads ,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:

"You're next fatty".

Jokes thread : Reloaded
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies.."
Jokes thread : Reloaded
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take
a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and proceeded to walk out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"

Scroll Down :-
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Jokes thread : Reloaded

an oldie, but a goodie...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Jokes thread : Reloaded
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough
of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Jokes thread : Reloaded
> > Snappy Answer #1
> >
> >A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
> >to check tickets.
> >As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
> >ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed
> >her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to
> >see your ticket, not your stub."
> >
> > Snappy Answer #2
> >
> >A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
> >grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
> >her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys
> >get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
> >they're dead."
> >
> >Snappy Answer #3
> >
> >When the cop got out of his car, the kid who was
> >stopped for speedingrolled down his window. "I've been
> >waiting for you all day," said the cop. The kid
> >replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
> >When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
> >on his way without a ticket.
> >
> > Snappy Answer #4
> >
> >A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
> >sign comes up thatreads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he
> >knows it his truck gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
> >are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
> >up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the
> >truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
> >"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was
> >delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
> >
> >Snappy Answer #5
> >
> >A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
> >single agent was re-booking a long line of
> >inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
> >pushed his way to the counter. He slapped his ticket
> >down onthe counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
> >flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent
> >replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
> >you, but I've got to help these folks who are ahead of
> >you in linefirst. I'm sure we'll be able to work
> >something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He
> >responded loudly, so that the passengers behind him
> >could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without
> >missing a beat, the agent smiled and grabbed her
> >public address microphone. "May I have your attention
> >please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout
> >the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
> >who doesnot know who he is. If anyone can help him
> >find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
> > With the folks behind him in line laughing
> >hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
> >gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!" Without so
> >much as a flinch, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
> >sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
> >
> >And that brings us to Snappy Answer #6, the best of
> >2005...
> >
> >A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's
> >final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
> >for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
> >nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> >illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
> >that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass
> >guy in the back of the room raised hishand and asked,
> >"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
> >sufferingfrom complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
> >The entire class did its best to stifle their
> >laughter and snickering. When silence was restored,
> >the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student,
> >shook herhead, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd
> >have to write the exam with your other hand."

Jokes thread : Reloaded
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & have sex for the 1st time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insisted on the family size pack - telling the pharmacist he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his 1st time & all.

That night the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I am so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still in deep prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Jokes thread : Reloaded
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £300, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now
get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said. She reached
in and grabbed it with both hands ....

Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ...

"Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, ....

..tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

Jokes thread : Reloaded

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Janet, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Janet said.

The next day, Janet ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Janet."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Jokes thread : Reloaded

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After
3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

Jokes thread : Reloaded
At a world brewing convention the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, calls to the barman:

In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next:

"In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next:

"In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real king of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward:

"Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks a million."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies: "Well, if you bunch o' pansies aren't drinkin', den neither am oi."
Jokes thread : Reloaded

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the
skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the
barometer will equal the height of the building."

This answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He
appealed on the grounds that his answer was
indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to
decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer
was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To
resolve the problem it wasdecided to call the
student in and allow him six minutes in which to providea verbal answer which
showed at least a minimal familiarity with the
basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied
that he had several extremely relevant
answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it
over the edge, and measure the time it takes
to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the
formula H = 0.5g x t squared.But bad luck
on the barometer.

Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set
it on end and measure the length of its shadow.
Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a
simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work
out the height of the skyscraper.

But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece
of string to the barometer and swing it like a
pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The
height is worked out by the difference in the
gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq rroot (l / g).

Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easierto
walk up it and mark off the height of the
skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use
the barometer to measure the air pressure
on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in
millibars intofeet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and
apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the
best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would
like a nice new barometer, I will give you this
one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

Some claim that the student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Jokes thread : Reloaded
^ lmao

"This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) Staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their
children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those
children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

"To complain about what we do - Press 3

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack
of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"
Updating the Thread Indexes
Some suggestions for inclusion:-


OCP's Empire Edit thread:-

Revenge Of The Sith : Extended Edition ? :-

Episode 3 : Fan Editing Discussion thread:-

Citezen's NTSC/PAL XVid.... thread:-

*** Dr. M's Reinventing The Wheel Edition (PAL to NTSC+) *** :-

***The Official Dark/Sega Special Collection*** Release Thread (Not an SE Transfer)

***The Official RowMan*** Release Thread:-

OCP's 'Pan & Scan O-OT Project' thread:-

Preserving the...*cringe*...Star Wars Holiday Special Thread:-

Mentasm's "Well yes, it's another OT project" Thread:-

Greetings from Wookie Groomer; Split Screen News thread:-


***Hi-Res Star Wars Image Submission Thread*** :-

Rikter's ***The Official ANGRYSUN*** Release Thread:-

Printing out DVD Labels Thread:-

Star Wars Executor Boxset VHS (1995) Info Thread:-

Gundrosens SW covers(1-6+classic+bonus) thread:-

Segaflip's a.b.starwars Posting Info thread:-

Updating the Thread Indexes

Deleted and cut scenes are very well chronicled at these websites (not only for the Original Trilogy, but for the Prequel Trilogy as well):- *includes info on 'The Lost Cut'

Sites which feature the many different releases, and their varying formats, of the OT and PT over the years are featured at:-