I am blessed to work in the behavioral health field as a nurse at our hospital (in fact, I’m using their computer right now! Shhhhh…). I therefore am a big believer in the benefit of medication as well. As Bingowings stated, beta blockers are effective. Designed as blood pressure meds, they bring down your BP and heart rate, but in so doing they also lower your fight or flight response, and thus reduce your anxiety. Inderal, or generically known as propranolol, is a good choice as it does not usually tank the BP of a person with normal blood pressure, but it will still reduce the heart rate and the anxiety. First generation antihistamines can also be effective, such as Atarax or Vistaril (slightly different compounds of hydroxyzine). Be wary of bezodiazepines, such as Xanax (alprazolam), Ativan (lorazepam), Klonipin (clonazepam), etc. While these medications are very effective, they are also addicting. Prescribers will often turn to them for long-term treatment of anxiety disorders, but the problem is, as with most addictive drugs, that not taking the medication on a regular basis will result in tremendous anxiety, even if the thing that used to trigger such anxiety is not present. They’re best only in brief treatments, while the others I’ve mentioned are better for the long haul.
But be aware that while I am an advocate for medication, I also do believe in the power of self. Not trying to sound harsh, but you are defeated before you begin. You talk about one step forward and two steps back and other statements with the expectation to fail. You do not even grant yourself the benefit of a doubt. You have already lost each day when you first wake up because you do not believe you can succeed.
I work with a number of addicts. Not one of them has ever successfully achieved sobriety from alcohol or drugs without relapsing, usually several times. But the fact of the matter is any time they have maintained sobriety for even a day, a week, a month, they have achieved a victory, even if they fall short again. When they relapse, they cannot tear themselves down, consider themselves worthless failures, and expect to keep on failing, or else they will fulfill their own prophecies. Every addict who states, “I can’t do this,” can’t do it. You are, in a sense, an addict with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. If you tell yourself daily that you are a failure, that you will continue to fall short, you will continue to fail and fall short. If you tell yourself daily that you will do better, and then fall short, at least you can count the hours you succeeded. Eventually the hours will turn to days, which turn to weeks, which can hopefully turn into a lifetime of stability. But you will never get to that point if you continue to get down on yourself.
Finally, counseling is indeed a good first step. It will help you work through and process your anxieties and their triggers. Don’t be embarassed. Even therapists have therapists these days. All of us could use an unbiased person to whom we can share our feelings. You can do this, but only if you believe you can.
