- Post
- #1612627
- Topic
- Ms. Marvel: The Ice Cream Pizza Cut (Released)
- Link
- https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/1612627/action/topic#1612627
- Time
I would like a link, pls. Thank you.
I would like a link, pls. Thank you.
Could I get a link to this, please!
This sounds very intriguing! I’d love to see this.
So excited for this. I really liked The Acolyte too, and have enjoyed your edits before, so I’m looking forward to this. So happy to see you’re just doing an edit, and not fix-it.
Must be something in the water. A further refinement:
The Galactic Republic’s golden
age is ending. As corruption
grows, Queen Amidala of Naboo
fights to defend democracy.In a show of force, the greedy
Trade Federation has sent a
deadly war fleet to surround
her planet. While the Senate
debates endlessly, the Supreme
Chancellor urgently directs the
Jedi Order, mystical guardians
of peace and justice, to help.Sensing a darker cause behind
this crisis, the Jedi dispatch
wise Master Qui-Gon Jinn and
his young apprentice to protect
the Queen and her people…
I like this, but I agree with @Mrebo that the first line doesn’t sound like a Star Wars crawl, it’s not present enough. I made a few small changes, going through all 3, and adding some of my own ideas. 88 words.
The waning golden age of the GALACTIC REPUBLIC faces exploitation by rogue opportunists. As corruption spreads, Queen Amidala of Naboo demands justice when the greedy Trade Federation traps her peaceful planet behind a blockade.
While the Republic Senate is mired in endless debate, the SUPREME CHANCELLOR chooses a secret path of his own, directing the Jedi Order, mystical guardians of peace and justice, to intervene.
Sensing a darker presence at hand, the Order dispatches Jedi Knight QUI-GON JINN and his apprentice to aid the Queen and her people…
I wanted to add something at the end like, “and uncover a possible threat to the galaxy…” but I couldn’t find anything else to cut, and I thought that might be too much anyway.
Well, after an excellent opening this season really did limp along with the finale being a bit of a disappointment. I really don’t think there is enough plot to warrant 2 films.
Spoilers Ahead
Omega’s M-count sub plot and faux Jedi training with Ventress went absolutely nowhere and Rex and his clones didn’t appear either, so most of the mid season is meaningless. Fennec, Bane, Ventress and the Teth arc aren’t needed at all.
It may be a challenge to bring this in under 3 hours, but the structure will be:
Act 1:
Omega and Crosshair escape and are reunited with Wrecker and Hunter.Act 2: Crosshair and the batch settle their differences. The Empire ambushed the Batch on Pabu and Omega sacrifices herself. The Batch free Rampart from the Imperial camp.
Act 3:
The Batch find a way to Tantiss and then the finale.I had already structured act 1 and it clocks in at just over 50mins. Act 2 is the narrative challenge but I’m almost there with that. Act 3 will be the challenge from a time point of view. The middle act has a lot of ground to cover, so will have to be faster paced than I would like. Annoyingly the return to the Outpost could be cut from a plot perspective, but it is crucial to the Batch mending their relationship with crosshair
I’ll get cracking tonight.
I disagree that the Ventress/faux-Jedi training was meaningless. It accomplished two important things. One plot wise, and one character wise.
With this long gestating possibility that Omega might be super Force sensitive because of her high M count, we needed an answer. The Jedi training gave us the first huge piece of the puzzle that no, a clone may have the high m count, but it doesn’t make them Force sensitive. So, that answered a pretty significant question. (And used the incredibly awesome Ventress to do so, which brings us to… )
You mention the batch mending their relationship with Crosshair, the use of Ventress was part of THIS arc. Ventress did awful, terrible things, yet she came there, she stayed behind to help Omega. She could have easily killed those three without breaking a sweat but she didn’t. Because she had changed. Just like… Crosshair. IOW, people can change, people can reform. And the three working together to protect Omega from someone bad, and then realizing together that she was a changed person was a huge step in the mending of their overall relationship.
I also found the finale really strong, and a great ending to the show. I still maintain that beginning an edit before a show/season is done is not always the way to go because a general framing starts building up of how it will play out. If the season/show goes in a different direction, there is inevitable disappointment. I don’t think that’s fair to the show. (Shrugs) that’s just my opinion, though. I know it’s become more the norm to do it this way. Anyway, I do think you’re a brilliant editor.
OK, just one quick thought. I like most of what you guys have here, but I was struck by something. Why does Kylo say: “in the forest?”
Kylo knows that when they first fought it was in the forest. Rey knows it was in the forest. Everyone watching this knows their first fight was in the forest. So, why that clarification? It sounds very clunky and unnecessary.
Everything else is really good.
A lot of that would work great in a novelization! The trouble is we have to choose our words very carefully due to space limitations. I’ll dig into some of the rewordings you have there to see if I can change some things around.
For example, I absolutely LOVE the idea of “But we can make our own fate.” Definitely replacing “But you and I don’t want it” with that.
I did try and look at how long the wording was in the original to match what you guys already had. I really love what you’ve come up with; I just want to help in any way I can (like I said: writer!) so if I can play around with you guys some more on this, I’m more than happy too. I can’t stress enough how much I am LOVING how this could fix TROS for me.
I’ve been reading this thread with tons of interest and as I said pages and pages ago the idea of Rey being like Anakin is the first one that has me OK with Ben Solo dying in the end. I fancy myself a writer (haha!) so I decided to take a stab at that dialogue you’ve all been working on blending the ideas. I used what was here as a template and then just went with it, striving for the goals intended here: Tying up the trilogies together and bringing this whole thing together.
“I pushed you in the desert because I needed to see. You needed to see who you are. The dark side is your birthright, Rey…”
“You’re lying.”
“I’d never lie to you. Your parents were no one. Junk traders who were nothing, knew nothing. You were an impossible child just like my grandfather.”
“Don’t!”
“There was no father, yet you were born…”
“I don’t want this!”
“Just like Vader.”
“No!”
“You’ve seen it, haven’t you? Your destiny?”
(Rey sees vision)
“Luke saw the same in me. But you and I, we reject that fate. We’ll make our own.”
“Stop talking.”
“Why? I know you better than anyone.”
(Cutaway to heroes capture)
"The Force showed me a girl before we met. It was you. In the forest when we fought, the power inside of you awoke. I saw it in your eyes. Rey, you revealed yourself not only to me, but to Palpatine… just as he’d intended.
(Visions of Rey & Kylo on Starkiller - their eyes meeting when she gained her strength and pushed him back, falling into the dark cave, etc.)
“No!”
(Pedestal shatters, Vader mask falls)
“So that’s where you are. Before you chose the Jedi, Palpatine wanted you alive.”
“No…”
“I’ll come tell you why.”
“Rey, I know the rest of your story.”
“Tell me.”
"Palpatine used the Force to create life itself. First with my grandfather and then with you. He’s been in my head my whole life, guiding me, leading me towards my destiny. But Vader had failed him and so might I, so there was you, without the tainted Skywalker blood. Rey, you are his vessel, the one he chose to bear his mantle, his power, his name.
“Palpatine wants a battle between us two so that his most worthy heir can claim his throne and he can witness the defeat of the last Skywalker. But he doesn’t realize the strength of our connection, Rey… a bond, not of blood, but of raw power in the Force. We can end him and the Sith, and create a new order, together.”
I thought tying in that Palpatine has been in his head all along added strength to what Kylo was saying. Also, Kylo feels that he and Rey are stronger than Palpatine so him not referring to him as the Emperor diminishes him. The reference to the “last Skywalker” adds a bittersweetness to Ben’s death (the bitter) but Rey taking on the name Skywalker (the sweet).
Using that moment on Starkiller in their battle when Rey realizes her power and Kylo realizes it too, I think, brings it home. Not his defeat, but THE awakening.
Anyway, just another stab at it.
I am sorry, I have no idea how to do the expand!
Yeah, I’m someone who is very-pro kiss. I think it needs to be kept for several reasons.
1.) Every SW trilogy has had the space kiss.
2.) It wraps up the Kylo(Ben)/Rey story that began in TFA when he asked “What girl?” and then later carried her onto his ship, continued through their Force bond in TLJ, and followed through in “I wanted to take Ben’s hand” in this film.
3.) Based on the Kylo Ren comics, the novel/stories that feature his childhood, anything we know about him from other media/information, and from the films themselves, this guy has experienced very little happiness in his life. Come on, you’re really gonna take away these few moments of happiness? You’re gonna take away when he gets to kiss the girl?
4.) Carrie Fisher promised Daisy Ridley she would get her space kiss! Why you wanna take that away?
5.) Finally, as JJB said, we get the reversal of Anakin/Padme with Kylo(Ben) actually achieving what he said he wanted to do: Finish what his grandfather started. Anakin’s goal was to save Padme, the woman he loved. He failed. Ben does it. He succeeds in saving the woman he loves.
For all of the above reasons, yeah, the kiss between Ben and Rey absolutely should stay.
I have to say that I have been very, very against any version of TROS where Ben doesn’t live, BUT keeping the Dyad alive, the Rey/Ben kiss still there, Rey as someone created from the Force via Palpatine and still a nobody thus of the two bloodlines as well as described in the last couple of pages kinda works for me. This is the first time that I can see Ben dying making sense as long as Rey lives. I have always just been vehemently against the last Skywalker dying. Rey taking the name is nice, but it’s not enough for me. It feels like a band-aid. But I digress. This, however, if done well, yeah, it could work.
I would like a copy, please, and thank you.
No problem.
Ah, I did miss that bit about the request to Hera, but then isn’t there still the, well, the Senate said no bit?
I know the film is close to 3 hours, but honestly, I think it’s OK if you hit 3 hours or even a 5-10 minutes over it. You’re taking a series and you’ve made a BRILLIANT, practically seamless film out of this that just works so dang well.
I do get that it’s about Ahsoka and Sabine, but as I said… Ezra is WHAT/WHO they’re fighting for and so the viewers have to understand WHY Sabine does what she does, and why Ahsoka understands/forgives her. In the show, Ezra (and his awesome) made it understandable. My nephew – who hadn’t seen the later (awesome Ezra) years – and he didn’t get it at all from this edit why anyone would go to such great lengths for him.
I look forward to seeing what you do when you come back to this eventually. I’ll be here!
Thank you, Kestrel, for the link. I have watched it and I haz thoughts (lots of them!)… along with my nephew’s.
OK, my nephew watched Star Wars a lot when younger, but not as much lately. He watched The Clone Wars, and half of Rebels, and up to S2 of The Mandolarian. He has not watched Ahsoka. These are his thoughts of your edit:
It didn’t play like a fanedit to him.
There are only three edits that weren’t seamless.
– After Sabine was stabbed, the quick, boom of the white to the hospital room was too quick, too much. He would have preferred a softer, slow white fade-in. Less jarring.
– When Sabine was figuring out the map, there was one quick, jumpy glitch.
– During the fight (when you cut out the group of fighters), Shin just came up behind Ezra and it didn’t make sense to my nephew. He was like, ‘why doesn’t she just walk up to them?’ Obviously, this is because you so expertly edited out the other guys fighting/attacking them.
He said that it didn’t feel even remotely like a bunch of episodes strung together. He couldn’t tell where one episode ended and the other began. Each moment blended into each other nicely.
But for one thing, he didn’t find himself asking any questions, like huh? That one thing was when the Republic fighters/Hera showed up after Hera told them the Senate said no. That didn’t make sense and had him scratching his head.
Also, Jacen kinda showed up did have him wondering a little bit, but there was an explanation later. He would have preferred to know who he was beforehand, but it was OK.
A lot of what made Ezra such a great character was missing. (I showed him all of his scenes afterward and he did feel that the lightsaber making scene should have been included definitely, and the first scene in its entirety probably as well. He also said after watching the longer storming the castle scene that your editing was superb because he would have never guessed that there was any editing done in that scene.)
He was very happy that the WBW stuff was included as a CW fan.
Overall, he really liked it. It was solid.
(I should point out my nephew is a film student in college.)
OK, now my thoughts: (This will be longer, LOL!)
First of all! Wow, this is overall amazing. I think you did a fantastic job (except in one area). This was seamlessly done, except really for the one jump/glitch. There was nothing else where I thought the editing was off. It just did not look/sound/feel like a fanedit film. You really did a stellar job. Kudos, kudos, kudos. Now, details (the good with the critique, I promise!)
I’m still gonna harp on that Sabine intro, LOL! I just say cut the whole Sabine on the speeder period because you show her on a speeder in about 10 minutes or so and the way it’s shot, it’s the EXACT same angle, everything. Unless you want to show it as a chase, and her being let off by the governor’s guys. If not, it’s so same-y. Go from Clancy Brown-dude turning to look “Where is she?” to her door opening of her house and she steps in. Boom, there you go.
So, I’m pretty sure it was this way in the show, but since you cut most of the speeder scene chase when she goes into her place and listens to the Ezra message it’s a long enough scene, so the wipe going into her little sleep, wake up, and then “Ezra!” is fine. However, as you have it now, it’s teeny speeder, walk in home, short Ezra message, wipe, wake up, “Ezra!” So it’s like a minute (if that scene) wipe, 30 second scene. And it’s just why the wipe? So, I’d cut the wipe there.
As mentioned when she’s figuring out the map, there’s a jump/glitch about 25:21-23.
I didn’t have a problem with the white!boom to the hospital, but I do see what my nephew meant, a softer fade-in there would probably work better.
I just have to point out that you acheived what I thought was practically impossible! You made Ahsoka going out on the ship and fighting in space work for me. It was cool, and didn’t leave me going but why didn’t they? why didn’t she? this is so stupid? That was fantastically done! YAY!!!
We really need that scene with Hera deciding to go help Ahsoka & co. herself and Carson and others joining her because Morgan being like ‘oh, Republic fighters are coming’ is a big huh? Because the last we heard was ‘Hera said the Senate said nope’ and we as the viewer are like, ‘welp! our heroes are on their own!’ but all of a sudden the Republic fighters are coming and then we see Morgan & co go through the ring and some Republic fighters get kilt. Then a few scenes later, Hera lands, her comrades land and we’re all like… wait, what? And they’re talking about: ‘They gonna get big mad!’ Hera’s all, ‘I’ll cover for you!’ And my nephew’s like, ‘wait, what?! What did I miss?!?’
And that was the one part here where this fanedit screamed fanedit. So, yeah, we need that scene.
Sorry, I disagree with my nephew. I think that Jacen needs an intro. I don’t quite recall, but isn’t there something of him and Hera in the Ghost that would be a nice little scene that would to give us a little ‘hey, this is who this kid is!’ before he randomly shows up.
I loved how you intercut Ahsoka, “I have another idea,” she uses the Force to call Sabine, we cut into the Ezra/Sabine convo, back to Ahsoka, back to Ezra/Sabine, back to Thrawn & Co, she’s been found, back to Ezra/Sabine, back to Ahsoka, boom! She’s attacked. That was awesome! awesome! awesome! I’d only suggest BEGIN that section on the Ezra/Sabine convo so we get the whole thing and then cut to Ahsoka/Huwang and continue, so, ahem, we get more Ezra. I have a bit more about Ezra later on.
Now, if a scene does need to be cut, I think the Baylan & Shin scene where he’s saying that this place is the land of dreams and madness, of folk stories, and she’s all stories are just stories. And he says it’s all just a cycle that repeats and he’s going to end it could be cut. I mean, nice sentiment. We all love Ray Stevenson (RIP), but it could be cut.
Alright before I get to the next bit, I want to reiterate again how fantastic this is. I mean, truly. You made Sabine more likable. Truly got across the meat of the story. Ahsoka was great. You cut the fat. We got who Ahsoka, Sabine, Thrawn, Morgan, even Hera was beautifully. And there was a clear throughline of this story. And other than the one Hera/Republic Rebels scene that I feel is truly needed, this did not feel like a fanedit.
I just have one true issue. It’s a biggie though. I feel like you shortchanged my boy, Ezra. Ezra, I think, is the heart of this show. While Ahsoka is trying to get to Thrawn, Hera cares about getting to Ezra truly in her heart. Sabine cares about getting Ezra back. When it comes to making that choice, Sabine chooses Ezra. Ezra stands for peace and family. Thrawn for war and violence. Ahsoka learns the lesson, the choice to live for peace, for family in TWBW and so she realizes, she understands that Sabine made the right choice. Ezra is the heart of the show. You cut a lot of Ezra’s scenes.
His first scene where we meet him? Not even 30 seconds. The actual scene is nearly two and half minutes, and it ends with Ezra saying he’s gonna go home. His last line, THE last line of the season (in the mid-credits scene)? “I’m home.” I understand why you cut the bandits fight with Sabine, but part of that scene (trimmed as much as possible) needed to be kept with Baylan & Shin if only because it’s during that fight with them that Ezra explains why he doesn’t want a lightsaber or gun, but how he uses the force. You also cut off his “Or you could take us as prisoners?” after “Can we talk?” which is a VERY Ezra thing to do, a stalling tactic, looking for anything, any advantage to stay alive longer.
And, oh boy, that making the lightsaber scene! First of all, when he ran out with the lightsaber, I was like wait what? So there was that. But then, yeah, the making the lightsaber scene, so much great characterization of WHO Ezra is, the quick-moving, quick-talking, quick-thinking, and then sweet soft heart of him coming to the fore when Kanan is mentioned and THEN we got some great characterization and backstory on Sabine and Ahsoka on why they are who they are. Ah, that scene was utter gold!
Finally, that final scene (pre-mid-credits) on the ship where he knocked out the guard… but wait, back up: I loved how you mildly tweaked the jump/push onto the ship where he did just immediately grab onto the ship and pulled that stormtrooper over. That worked so much better than how it did on the show. OK, back to that final scene on the ship. I think it’s important to keep that for two reasons:
– It shows Ezra’s intelligence and quick-thinking. Even though he’s been out of the game for so long, he is able to jump right back into the swing of things.
– In the end you showed where all the major players were: Ahsoka, Sabine, Huwang, Thrawn, Shin, Baylan, and not Ezra. Seriously, what you got against my boy, Ezra?
So, again, overall, you did an absolutely fantastic job. Just needs more Ezra! Really, though just marvelous, Kestrel, marvelous! I just can’t say enough about the tightness of the editing and music. It’s just so expertly done.
Still don’t have a link… wah! Pretty please!
Oh yes. Inspiration just struck me.
The Jedi, the Witch, and Ron.
OH, YES!!! THIS IS IT!!! LOL!
I don’t disagree with your reasons for honestly. Master and Apprentice is generic, and I definitely agree with the others. Even commented on the latter title myself. Actually, if you think of the Jedi as plural, you really are encompassing the main characters (Ahsoka, Sabine, Ezra=Jedi, Morgan=Witch, Thrawn=Warlord). In that sense, it really does work. And, frankly, I do love the whimsy of it.
Now, you know I would love a link!
Although I was pleased with your initial planned edit, I was sad to see the Anakin/WBW go, however, since it was your edit and I was pretty happy with everything else, I didn’t want to say anything. OTOH, knowing that you’re keeping that stuff makes me SUPER happy!! YAY!
As for the last ep’s title as the overall title? As much as I adore that title, I just don’t think it works overall because as important as Thrawn and Morgan are, at this point they really are plot points. They aren’t the heart and soul of the show. I think that will change via Thrawn in season 2, but not in S1. However, I think the first ep title: Master and Apprentice works really, really nicely for the series overall.
I’m really excited to see what you have cooked up in the end for Ashoka, Ezra, Sabine, a Soca Tana, and Admiral Ron. 😄
While I do really like Dany, Arya is my favorite character, so I’d be interested in something like this as long as Arya is in it and doesn’t die.
Bumping this thread up again since there are now AI-voice possibilities.
Wow, thanks for the extensive feedback! I did think about including “A long time ago…” But I’m going to wait till I get to ep6 and decide if I want to keep Huyang’s line where he says it. If I decide to keep that, I want it to remain a meta reference to the Skywalker saga, and not an awkward meta reference to itself. I’m leaning toward that, so decided to leave it out.
Maybe someone will come up with some workaround suggestion. I only watched the show once so I dunno.
I get what you mean in not wanting to not do the exact same thing, but it’s really not the exact same thing at all. The situations are just different enough, and they are spaced apart. Morgan is talking about the one who stole the map from her and just gives Baylan her name (which is literally how it happens in the show), and Clancy Brown introduces her by name to the crowd (again, literally how it was done in the show). By doing it this way, you’re given us what the show gave us, but allowing them to mirror each other and say: These are our protagonists.
After watching through it again, I think I’ll compromise and further tighten Ryder’s speech, then cut to Sabine’s intro after he says “Where is she?”
That could work, but the other guy says “I don’t know” immediately after that, I’m not sure if you can make a clean cut. If you can do it, though, that would be perfect.
For the lightsaber issue, I’ll see if I can keep in the scene where Hera briefs Ahsoka on Home-One while retaining a brisk pace. Baylan asking Morgan “Who is this Jedi” prevents any implication that he and Ahsoka have encountered before.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Since you’re cutting the NR story out, this would just be something like the Ryder scene where it’s someone from our main characters’ past they have a scene or two that moves the plot along. We don’t know need anything more than the info we glean from that scene just like with Ryder (or like the ppl on the ship in the first scene).
I watched it and overall it’s very well done. I do have notes:
…
Wow, thanks for the extensive feedback! I did think about including “A long time ago…” But I’m going to wait till I get to ep6 and decide if I want to keep Huyang’s line where he says it. If I decide to keep that, I want it to remain a meta reference to the Skywalker saga, and not an awkward meta reference to itself. I’m leaning toward that, so decided to leave it out.
No problem, it was a fun watch. With WIP, well, it’s a work in progress, LOL!
As for the Star Wars title into, I’m not sure if that’d fit with the music. The current one fades in well with the eerie violins. But I’ll play around with it.
Cool.
I knew the lightsabers were going to be the iffiest thing retained. I thought it might be implied she’s encountered them before but I know that’s a stretch. It can’t be easily cut because it’s integrated into her conversation with Sabine and the subsequent reveal that Sabine has taken the map – and it’s a good development to Baylan and Shin’ characters. I may alter the crawl to make a reference to some “previous encounter with Morgan’s allies” though I am not a huge fan of altering canon.
Maybe someone will come up with some workaround suggestion. I only watched the show once so I dunno.
When Ryder tells that guy to cover for him, it always gets a laugh from me. I know most people would probably cut it, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I may play around with tightening up the awkward moment so it’s not quite as cheesy though. Plus, having a character revealed after someone else says their name was already done to introduce Ahsoka. I didn’t want to do the exact same thing again.
I get what you mean in not wanting to not do the exact same thing, but it’s really not the exact same thing at all. The situations are just different enough, and they are spaced apart. Morgan is talking about the one who stole the map from her and just gives Baylan her name (which is literally how it happens in the show), and Clancy Brown introduces her by name to the crowd (again, literally how it was done in the show). By doing it this way, you’re given us what the show gave us, but allowing them to mirror each other and say: These are our protagonists.
Yeah, I’m wondering too!
I watched it and overall it’s very well done. I do have notes:
Overall, again, this is really good. Introduces your antagonists and protagonists beautifully. Sets up the plot well. It’s tight, focused, good action, with a few scenes to slow things down. The only issue is how did Ahsoka know about the lightsabers. Other than that (and I threw in my few recommended small cuts), this is looking really, really good so far.
This sounds like a fantastic idea!
This sounds amazing. I would love a link!